feedback for "Bad Parent: Me and My Shadow"

1. Awww, Jillian is SO CUTE.  I think that's the first photo I've seen of her.

   posted by : KnittyTzu on 4/23/2009 at 2:06 AM Flag For Abuse

2. I work part-time, and have a complicated childcare set up, so I always like to read about how other people do the work/family balance.
   
   But, I'm curious about why the author felt the need (like so many others do) to poke at people who don't have these options. Phrases like "park my kid in daycare" and "I didn't sign up for easy" are inflammatory and insulting to people who either because of choice or necessity have childcare for their children.
   
   Personally, I would hate to have my kids with me at work. Part of what I like about working is the chance to actually focus on my work and not need to schedule potty breaks or juice clean ups!
   
   There are pluses and minuses to all work situations (including not working). Why can't writers explore these issues without insulting those who have chosen differently.

   posted by : Ws that necessary on 4/23/2009 at 1:20 PM Flag For Abuse

3. What Ws said.
   
   I work full-time in academia: my oldest daughter has been in an excellent daycare program since she was 3 mos. old. The women there love her, and teach her the way I would do it, if I didn't have to work to pay the bills (or stay sane). My son, now 4 mos., is in the same school; his sister checks on him multiple times a day. I don't "park" my kids there: I choose to send them to a fully accredited daycare so that I can work (and before anyone snarks, I am the top wage-earner in my family, and we can't live without my benefits).
   
   My daycare announced two weeks ago that it's closing for good on June 12, and it has been like an extended funeral. The "grandmas" who help the teachers care for the children have been there a long time, some more than 20 years.
   
   I am looking at the possibility that I will have to have my son with me on campus, because accredited infant care is hard to come by around here. This presents me with a number of issues, not the least of which is that I cannot teach with him screeching at me from a bouncy seat.
   
   I am glad the author has the flexibility in her job to be able to bring her daughter along, but I agree with "Ws"--the language that she uses just fans the flames of the SAHM vs. WM fire.

   posted by : katy and xanders ma on 4/23/2009 at 2:06 PM Flag For Abuse

4. Jeanne, that sounds like a great set-up; you're very fortunate.
   
   And no wonder why you only want to have one kid!

   posted by : ChiLaura on 4/23/2009 at 2:45 PM Flag For Abuse

5. love the article...you're shedding light on alternatives for women who want to work *and* raise their own small kids...I do the same, except from home, so I don't have the added challenge of taking my one child with me...bravo for making it work!
   

   posted by : GP on 4/23/2009 at 3:12 PM Flag For Abuse

6. To the moms who thought I was "poking" at moms who park their kids in daycare, I apologize.
   
   But if you'll notice, my daughter ALSO goes to daycare twice a week. I'm hardly judging parents who use daycare; I do it myself!
   

   posted by : Jeanne Sager on 4/23/2009 at 3:23 PM Flag For Abuse

7. Great story. I work from home three days a week with my son and he spends the other two with grandparents. Sometimes I question if he gets enough "quality time" with me, but I also know that if we were at home all day without paid work I'd likely fill my time doing more house chores or cooking (which now largely get done with daddy after the baby's asleep). Overall, the advantages outweigh any doubts I have. I'm always there for skinned knees, impromptu story times, and to help with his elaborate living room tent cities, and he's learned to play by himself better than most 2 year-olds (and without the help of TV, I should add).  Like the author's little girl, he's also had some adventures tagging along to mama's occasional work functions. 
   
   While my days are often stressful (and I've been known to answer emails while sitting in the sandbox with my laptop), I am generally appreciative that I've found a way to keep my career, while also getting far more play time than most working mothers. 

   posted by : terram on 4/23/2009 at 4:19 PM Flag For Abuse

8. And how is this qualifying for Bad Parent status?  Perhaps if there were a Lucky Parent column, I'd buy it.  I made the choice to take some time off to stay home with my infant son figuring I'd be able to get back into the swing of things, and am now finding myself searching, fruitlessly, for a job in my field...or in any field, really.  The only options would have me making just about enough to cover child care and gas. If only I had the option to bring him along with me to work....I'd be amped for the opportunity to be such a bad parent.

   posted by : jobless and jealous on 4/23/2009 at 5:22 PM Flag For Abuse

9. Really? Bad Parent? Can I write a piece for bad parent? I think it will be about how when I go to the farmer's market on the weekends to buy our organic food for the week, only 80% of it is locally grown. Oh the shame!
    No,  but really, I would have read this piece even if it hadn't been a "Bad Parent" article. What's wrong with a personal essay, or a new series called "Our real life" or something,  where people just write about how they live? Unless you don't believe in ever bathing your children or like to give babies shots of whiskey for teething or for fun, you don't belong in the Bad Parent series. Hear that editors? Okay, I'm done.

   posted by : banana on 4/23/2009 at 6:06 PM Flag For Abuse

10. Heh, I hear you banana, but after last week's crapfest I'm grateful that the author of Bad Parent is at least, you know, a parent.

    posted by : Apples on 4/23/2009 at 6:45 PM Flag For Abuse

11. Smug much? I don't work 9-5 and "park" my kid in daycare because it's "easier" (and I question whether it is easier..)...I'm not fortunate enough to have a job where I can bring my kid with me. There's a very self-righteous air about this article...

    posted by : theresa on 4/23/2009 at 9:15 PM Flag For Abuse

12. You "didn't sign up for easy" but it sounds like you certainly got easy.
    
    
    1. You work in an interesting environment that allows your child age-appropriate activities, time to run around and be both indoors and out, and doesn't present the sort of work place hazards that many women deal with daily (think doctors, nurses, lab or factory workers, for instance).
    
    2. You are lucky enought to have a supportive employer.
    
    3. You don't take your daughter to sit in a cubicle, or even an office, day in and day out, where there is nothing but fluorescent lights and a copy machine or her own personal laptop to keep her amused, and where you are surrounded by busy, focused coworkers who don't need or want the constant interruptions most children would bring into such a setting.
    
    4. Your child has a temperament that is suited to what must surely be frequent solo playtime, with coloring books and dolls, while you conduct your interviews.  This is absolutely not true of all children.
    
    So please don't condescend to the rest of us with "I didn't sign up for easy."  We may have highly social, interactive or physical children who require hours a day of play with other children, or tree climbing, or talking.  We may work in places where children are either not safe, or not appropriate, or where they would simply not thrive.  We may have duties that don't allow for breaks every 30 minutes for kid interaction.  We may simply need to work whatever job we have, to keep food on the table.  Or, heaven forbid, we may truly enjoy our "grownup time" and be better parents for the time we spend following our own hearts in a workplace while providing a day care environment that allows our kids to follow theirs.  I do not park my child.  I do both him and myself the courtesy of understanding that the needs of a 3 year old boy may be nothing like the needs of a thirty year old woman, and I make sure we are both in environments where we can each thrive.
    

    posted by : but you got easy on 4/23/2009 at 11:14 PM Flag For Abuse

13. You forgot that part about "parking" your child in front of the TV for upwards of six hours a day as a strategy for being able to work full time without parking her in front of day care full time. Just saying!
    

    posted by : nitpicker on 4/24/2009 at 11:56 AM Flag For Abuse

14. Good point, Nitpicker.  She really should have provided the link in interest of full disclosure:http://www.babble.com/bad-parent-screen-queen-humor-essay-my-daughter-watches-six-hours-of-tv-a-day-jeanne-sager/
    
    

    posted by : Linky on 4/24/2009 at 12:54 PM Flag For Abuse

15. Why do authors of Bad Parent repeatedly lie about the realities of their choices?

    This is the problem with the whole Bad Parent column.
    
    Plus, they all say the same thing.

    1. I do this thing most people think is ridiculous (silly, childish, bad etc....).

    2. But actually it works for me.

    3. You see, I’m just like you. Except you’re lame and I’m the coolest parent ever.

    4. No, seriously, I’m super awesome.

    5. I’m not kidding. It’s actually true. My friends tell me so all the time.

    6. My amazing child is a reflection of this fact.

    7. Don’t hate me. I have problems too.

    8. Except, common sense can’t solve my problems.

    9. Did I tell you, my amazing child is a reflection of my greatness?

    10. In conclusion, I’m cool and you’re lame. (Unless you’re like me.)

    Lather, rinse, repeat.

    posted by : JJ on 4/24/2009 at 4:52 PM Flag For Abuse

16. You remind me of the parents at my local YMCA who bring their children into the adult exercise class with them, after the rest of us have arranged for childcare.  Has it ever occurred to you that perhaps not everyone welcomes children in all environments?  I find this attitude very disrespectful of other people's time and space.

    posted by : SS on 4/27/2009 at 10:16 AM Flag For Abuse

17. I couldn't help remembering the unschooling article a few months back about the mom who is "unschooling" her kid by keeping him up late at bars, letting him sleep til noon, and then bringing him to bbqs so she can drink with her friends.  (Yes, I remember the comments, she's a great mom and I just don't get her British humor...)
    
    Not for nothing, Jeanne, but you seem to be a better "unschooler" without even trying!  (Although, I bet her son will be able to make a great mixed drink before your daughter--maybe you should start doing some bar interviews to level that advantage.  :)  ).
    

    posted by : getmedrunkkiddos on 4/27/2009 at 12:52 PM Flag For Abuse

18. What a smugfest! The "patting-myself on the back" tone of the whole article is really offputting! Oh yeah, that sounds soooo "hard"! 30 hours workweek, one child, an accomodating boss and a cool job plus two days of daycare...what a joke! As a lawyer supporting my whole family working 11+ hours a day I feel lucky to be able to "park" my sons in daycare (where they are NOT the center of attention, btw, and that's a GOOD thing in my book!) and I don't think I have it hard compared to so many people struggling to make ends meet AND trying very hard to be good parents in this economy. Please get off your cosy little cloud and have a look at real life.
    

    posted by : I wanna smack Jeanne Sager on 4/27/2009 at 3:25 PM Flag For Abuse

19. Jeanne, as a professional writer, how is it you don't know that the word "park" as in "park my kid in daycare" has a negative connotation? If you didn't mean to "poke at" working parents who don't have the options you do, then why on earth did you use such a negative word? You use a negative word to describe daycare, then show us all the lengths you're willing to go to to avoid childcare as much as possible, then claim you aren't stoking the fires of the work vs. sahm debate.
    
    

    posted by : notbuyingit on 4/29/2009 at 11:35 AM Flag For Abuse

20. Again, notbuyingit, et al - my daughter goes to an in-home daycare center. So if I am criticizing daycare, I am criticizing my own choice to not be a stay-at-home mother and avoid daycare entirely.
    
    This piece was not meant to criticize other parents, actually, but to show how another working mother makes it work. "I wanna smack Jeanne Sager" - I'm sorry you're struggling to make ends meet. So am I. That's why I don't put my daughter in daycare every day, because the cost eats up my paycheck.
    
    In fact, I'm jealous of parents who have the luxury - yes, the luxury - of daily daycare. Because it isn't just financial. If I have to cover a board meeting at 7 p.m., there is no daycare open for me to take my daughter to. If I have to take my daughter to a pig farm, I have to keep one eye on her, and the other on my interview subject.
    
    Many people have very tough jobs, and I respect the heck out of them. They also wish they could spend more time with their kids, again, I'm lucky for the chance to do something they wish they could do. For all the hours I work (because as you might have noticed, I also work for Babble and other jobs beyond the 30 hours at the newspaper), I am very grateful to spend time with my daughter. If that makes me smug, I'm sorry. I just think it makes me a parent.
    
    But I am not criticizing your choices. I'm merely showing you the way another working parent has to do it to make things work. So, go ahead, smack me, but don't tell me how easy my life is. I too have to put food on my table, and I too have to keep my daughter safe. This happens to be the only way I've figured out to do it.
    

    posted by : Jeanne Sager on 4/30/2009 at 3:30 PM Flag For Abuse

21. Why did you agree to write an article for a section called "bad parent" if you didn't expect to be criticized?
    I don't agree with the personal attacks on you, but I do find it unprofessional for you to object to the way others interpret your writing. People found your tone smug, and your choice of words offensive. You may not have intended that, but it sounds like a Freshman writing workshop for you to explain yourself and explain why the interpretation of your words is wrong. 
    Once the words are on the page (screen) you lose control of them. All you can do is take in people's criticisms, think about whether or not any of them are valid. If you don't think they are, then shrug it off. Professional writers don't argue with their readers!
    

    posted by : stillnotbuyingit on 5/2/2009 at 11:03 PM Flag For Abuse

22. Oh, I see.  I never understood that the Bad Parent column was supposed to be an opportunity for snarky mums to tear each other up.  I thought it was for parents who are doing something a little different from the mainstream to explain it; the BAD PARENT label was meant to be ironic. 
    
    I see I was wrong.  Regularly, the comments after a bad parent essay are either condemnation of the activity described in the article, often in some of the most accusatory language I have seen on the internet, or some kind of offended lament that the behaviour isn't bad enough.  Have at it, snarky mums. 
    

    posted by : sheesh on 5/7/2009 at 4:43 PM Flag For Abuse