feedback for "Personal Essay: Grandmother's Lament"

1. Interesting article.  I would like to say that the paternal grandmother will not take backseat when my twins are born, but that isn't true.  She is not a warm person, she is germaphobic, OCD, and calls my normal weight husband fat.  So, yeah, she's going to take backseat to my own mother who is warm, practical, supportive, friendly and helpful.  Oh, and not grossed out by poopy diapers.  Still, my mother took backseat when my brother's son was born so maybe it's just that usually the mom is more in charge of that sort of thing than the dad is.  Sounds like you and your famliy are making the transition nicely.
   

   posted by : Marj on 5/8/2009 at 12:20 AM Flag For Abuse

2. I am fully aware that the paternal grandmother frequently gets ripped off. My mother only has to go through me--her daughter-- to get to her granddaughters, while my MIL has to go through her DIL to get them, which is a very different dynamic. I try my best to be accommodating to both sets, though. Honestly, the difference in dynamics makes me happy I have girls, though, and will never be a paternal grandmother!
   
   And yes, the author is right--support is needed, not advice. Wise woman.
   

   posted by : daughter in law on 5/8/2009 at 7:56 AM Flag For Abuse

3. Aha! I realize. So this is how it works. No matter how much we love the new baby, no matter how deep the feelings run when our child has a child of his own, grandparents are back-up, part of a support team of secondary players — sort of like relief pitchers in baseball who sit on the bench until the coach sends them into the game.
   What a great paragraph!  I wish I could send this to my daughter's grandparents.  After 20 months, it's still quite a balancing act.  
   I wrote a lot of other things after that sentence, but they were all complaints about my mother-in-law, so I think I'll just stop here and say that I wish all grandparents had that kind of perspective.

   posted by : Jenn Vickery on 5/8/2009 at 9:40 AM Flag For Abuse

4. "...sort of like relief pitchers in baseball who sit on the bench until the coach sends them into the game."
   
   Nonna, every baseball fan knows that baseball teams would be toast without good relievers, not to mention the closers (akin to your narcoleptic effect on the baby). Take heart! Maybe you're not the starter, but you're still integral.

   posted by : ChiLaura on 5/8/2009 at 9:56 AM Flag For Abuse

5. Great article. You are doing awesome! The simple fact that you question your role, that you worry about offending your daughter-in-law, and that you realize how what you say can come off to a new mommy, makes you a perfect grandma.
   
   I struggle with this with my mother-in-law, whereby little of what I do is right. That is my interpretation when she repeatedly tells me I need to talk to my sister-in-law about sleep, naps, discipline... (the list goes on). On our second child right now and after nearly 5 years of this my learned response to her is, "do you really think my kids have turned out this bad so far? Am I doing THAT bad of a job?" 
    
   My mom is better with the advice offering, I don't think I have ever heard her tell me what I should be doing, though I imagine she has bitten her tongue more than once. She tends to be more of the one who wants to hold the baby all.the.time. This is where I have learned to step back a touch too. My mom lives out of state and sees them a few times a year, I can compromise here. She loves her grandchildren - what more could I ask for?

   posted by : April C on 5/8/2009 at 1:00 PM Flag For Abuse

6. I think maternal grandmothers get "dibs" on seeing the baby first, etc. because it was their daughter who had just given birth, and SHE needed care, too.  After I gave birth, my mother came first, and then my mother-in-law came later.  Still very much appreciated, no doubt.  But when I was sore and still had lochia and was in hormonal craziness, I needed MY mom.  My husband doesn't keep in touch with his parents like I do with mine.  He doesn't just call them up and chat a few times a week like I do with my parents.  There is a different dynamic, as others have written.
   
   I did get into a vicious argument once with my mother, because I was disciplining my kids and she stepped in and tried to, in my eyes, take over and assume authority (in other words, be the mother).  I freaked out and told her (away from the kids) that they were my responsibility, and I was their mother, not her, much to her shock.  I think it's hard for some mothers to truly step back and allow their adult children to fuddle through parenting themselves.  Yes, the water may be a bit too warm, but the baby will fuss and let you know.  I appreciate the wisdom that this author has to offer on the subject, and perhaps one day will be able to put it into use when my own children have kids of their own.
   

   posted by : Jaybird on 5/8/2009 at 1:09 PM Flag For Abuse

7. Being a parent is constant learning.  Becoming a grandparent should also be considered a time to continue to a new phase of parental learning.  We transition as parents  from newborns, to toddlers, kids, teens, adults-becoming a grandparent is a new situation and an extension of continued learning in how to parent your child, not your grandchild. 
   
   

   posted by : anon on 5/8/2009 at 1:50 PM Flag For Abuse

8. To all of you who are moaning about trials and tribulations you have with your kids' grandmas---stop complaining for a minute and appreciate what you have. Both my mom and mother-in-law died well before my daughter was born. It breaks my heart that she will never know her grandmothers. In fairness, I'm sure I would have had issues come up with both of them if they were alive---nothing's perfect, but I would gladly trade small inconveniences to have them here. 
   

   posted by : marie on 5/8/2009 at 1:51 PM Flag For Abuse

9. Really thoughtful article. In tough moments, try to keep my future self as a MIL in my mind's eye when I get frustrated, and consider how I would like to be regarded at that time, if it comes, because I know that we only really "get it" when we're there (as we realized about parenting the day our son was born.) I totally get how complex it must be from a MIL's perspective, and thank goodness, mine is a good hearted, well meaning woman who actually loves me, too. You are right on target with "what a MIL says and how a DIL hears." All advice feels like an indictment, because new mothers love their children fiercely. I'd love to read your book. :) Thanks for the essay.

   posted by : Sharon West on 5/8/2009 at 1:59 PM Flag For Abuse

10. Oh, see, you're one of THOSE grandparents - you've named yourself. Just do me a favor and when that adorable girl comes up with a name for you on her own (and she will), don't worry about if it's "hip" or not - just be glad that she loves you so much that she has made up something to call you, and go with it!

    posted by : jessicamama on 5/8/2009 at 3:21 PM Flag For Abuse

11. I am grandmother to 3 adorable children, ages 4,2, 9 months, children of my daughters.  It has been a learning curve, let me tell you!  But like the author, my place in their lives is very clear to me, back up.  I am grandma, not mama, and whether I agree or disagree, my daughter is the boss, from clothes to bed time to bath time to foods to religious training, or lack there of. 
    
    If I think the kid needs a haircut, I will offer to take him or her to the salon, and if I get a green light, ok but if not.  In the case of litte Boo, I was vetoed.  Her daddy wanted to take her for her first haircut.  So she looks like she has an orange cloud on her head, so what..That's my girl! 
    
    My hubby and I have no kids together, but his mom is constantly pointing out how much work the gkids are, and I should rest, or relax (ie, pay more attention to her son) but I stand firm.  I am aware that this special time is very very short, and very very soon, grandma's lap will no longer be required as sleeping aid, nor will she be able to kiss the boo boos and chocolate chip cookies won't cure all ills.  I'm hanging in as long as I can.

    posted by : lalahem on 5/8/2009 at 3:55 PM Flag For Abuse

12. I think grandparents need to practice seeing their own child as an adult first, before the grandchild is born.  And the spouse as an adult, as well. Then it isn't so shocking to be a non-parental (though extremely close and loving) figure to the grandchild.

    posted by : sorrybutyouwerentincharge on 5/8/2009 at 4:01 PM Flag For Abuse

13. I think this is my favorite essay on Babble ever (and I've written a few of my own).
    
    Ohhhh, Nonna. Nonna! I have so done to my own mother what your son/DIL do to you and your acceptance of it -- how you've reflected on it -- just makes me feel so sad/happy/sheepish.
    
    When I had my first daughter I all marched around and just KNEW my mom didn't know what the hell she was doing with a baby, for god's sake she didn't raise kids with the Internet so how COULD she have?
    
    But weird ... she could get my babies ... MY babies! ... who needed to nurse to go to sleep -- who needed ME! ... my mom could hold and rock them in a way that even their father couldn't and get them to drop in less than a minute. Oh, and lay them down without waking them up. And get them to take a bottle. How? Luck, I was just sure.
    
    After doing this with my third, I reluctantly agreed that she probably had a few tricks from the old days and that her success with my kids wasn't just freakish luck.
    
    I swear your kids will loosen up but you're absolutely doing the right thing -- letting them call the shots (oh, and then writing about it for the rest of us). Rock on, Nonna!
    
    PS: sending link to my mom right now.
    

    posted by : Madeline Holler on 5/8/2009 at 4:22 PM Flag For Abuse

14. @marie-I can't speak for everyone here; however, I am personally extremely grateful for two sets of grandparents who are not only alive, but also supportive, helpful, loving, etc.  I am fully aware that my kids and my husband and I are so blessed to have them.  Despite that, it is still a new relationship for everyone to navigate.  Everyone has a role, feelings, boundaries, desires, etc. and those things take time and trial (and error) to figure out.  I don't doubt that you wish with every fiber of your being that you and your family had grandmothers, but try not to hear people's discussion of the issues as a lack of gratitude or appreciation for what they have. 
    

    posted by : JCF on 5/8/2009 at 4:23 PM Flag For Abuse

15. I just lost my MIL and let me tell you, she is truly missed. Not because it wasn't difficult at times (she couldn't stand to see my son disciplined and gave me a hard time about working outside the home), but because she gave my son something I can't--pure unconditional love. Grandparents aren't responsible for discipline, putting food on the table, getting kids to do homework, etc., so they can focus on making their grandkids feel like the most important people on earth. It's a precious gift. I'm lucky enough to still have my mom and she does the same thing for my son. Again, not easy because my relationship with my mother has always been fraught, but I'm so grateful she's there for my little boy.
    

    posted by : Miss Her on 5/8/2009 at 4:30 PM Flag For Abuse

16. I don't think parents should be so touchy about receiving advice. It's not like they are forced to do something that someone suggests. Of course it could be annoying if it was happening all the time and if it was always of a critical nature but I'm quite passionate about choices I've made for my children and I can only imagine that I'll find it hard not to pass along some of that to my own kids when/if they have babies. I know a lot of people get irritated when strangers and relatives give unsolicited advice - but you can always just explain yourself confidently as to why you are doing something the way you are. My own mother gives me a lot of advice and I know that I don't do many things the same way she did... but she adores my kids and so I see her as part of my son and daughter's "tribe" and I back off when she is telling them something even if I might not say it or do it just the same way. It isn't just parents that teach their kids and give them the knowledge they need in the world, it is grandparents, relatives, teachers etc. So we should let them have their say and be involved in the lives of the kids they love.
    
    

    posted by : hma on 5/8/2009 at 5:54 PM Flag For Abuse

17. This is an incredibly patronizing article. Perhaps your kids don't want your advice not because it is "threatening" because you are right, but because, despite the fact that you seem to assume all your "advice and wisdom" is correct, times have changed, modern parents do things very differently than thirty years ago, and things accepted then as good parenting have been rejected as harmful by younger, wiser, and more educated parents. Plus they want to develop their own path. You probably actually have a lot of antiquated ideas that are just annoying to those that you try to advise.
    
    If you approach the situation like you are holding your "wise" tongue letting them blunder through the start of parenthood, that is going to transmit to them and they are going to start resenting you and not wanting you around.
    
    
    

    posted by : Keri Larson on 5/8/2009 at 7:39 PM Flag For Abuse

18. I thought it was the job in every culture for the grandparents to help raise the child.  They are the experts not the new parents who read a few books and ask their friends.  In my culture and my husbands culture the grandmothers come over or move in for a few weeks to teach the parents what to do.  They also help care for the new mother.  How are we going to learn otherwise?  When we had our second child and adopted our next two the grandmothers kept the older children for a couple of weeks.  They took turns.  Luckily our children, even as babies, viewed them as other caregivers and had no problem with this.  I think todays parents are like little kids with a new toy when they get a new baby.  My goodness, invaluable insight and wisdom is worth so much more than my doing it my way.

    posted by : Ali on 5/8/2009 at 9:43 PM Flag For Abuse

19. Ali, the wisdom of the ages is wonderful to have, but old mistakes do happen as well. My grandmother doesn't understand why car seats are necessary, nor why cow's milk or solid foods should not be given to newborns, and I'm not risking losing my son so that she can feel validated.
    

    posted by : zaksmom on 5/9/2009 at 4:03 PM Flag For Abuse

20. This article is sweet. It affects me differently than the rest of the posters, probably because my parents took such a "backseat" that they left for vacation while I was on my third day of induced labor to deliver a two-week late baby--their first grandchild. Ended up with a c-section and lost so much blood I nearly needed a transfusion. They stayed on their vacation. When we told them it hurt us that they went away, and stayed away even though our son was born the day after they left, they stopped speaking to us (after several rounds of hate mail and other abuse), and to this day, have spent no time with their grandson. I love that this author desires deeply to be a part of not only her grandchild's life, but the lives of her granddaughter' parents. I am sure it is a balancing act, but her heart is in the right place and she is trying to be there for everyone as respectfully and graciously as possible. I admire her efforts. There must be challenges to that transition to grandmother that I cannot yet imagine, having just started out on the mothering part of it all. It's good to know there are loving grandparents out there, and ones who are willing to do the work to make it work.

    posted by : jessiebird on 5/10/2009 at 5:46 AM Flag For Abuse

21. Interesting article, I was just talking to my mom about this (she'll be the maternal grandmother) and her thought was that she took her cues from the parents with regard to how much advice/help they wanted. Having said that - my sister had the first grandchild and has been very needy in terms of help and advice (daily calls to grandma to ask what to do for the past three years), so I'm concerned that the role has been cast and it'll be difficult to change (I'm nowhere near as needy, have lots of sick baby experience and have a spouse who's an equal partner). As for the MIL...I love mine to bits, absolutely the best MIL in the world - she loves me and counts me as one of her daughters, and I can't wait to see her with our child.

    posted by : M on 5/11/2009 at 11:17 AM Flag For Abuse

22. I try to do everything I can to keep my son's paternal grandparents involved.  They live out of town, so this is more difficult.  And I leave it to their son (mostly) to decide when we go visit them or call them.  But I want them to feel as much a part of my son's life as possible.  I'm all about family. 
    
    Advice is a touchy subject sometimes, on both sides.  My mom didn't breast feed, so whenever my son cried, she thought he was hungry or wasn't getting enough milk, though he clearly was gaining weight and growing like a weed.  That kind of irked me.  My MIL has different potty-training ideas than I do.  I don't see the use in rushing my son, seems like it will only add to MY stress.  I just hold my tongue, though.  This comes with the territory and they have a right to their opinion.  They raised us and did a damn good job.  And in the end, we raise our child our way anyway.

    posted by : Melissa Andrews on 5/11/2009 at 12:38 PM Flag For Abuse

23. If in 30 years my kids share with me that the nonantiquated way to feed a baby was through the opposite end, I wouldn't do it, and I pray that my children won't be one of those parents who can't simply share how something has changed, which in my opinion, can't be much more, if anything, compared to today. I mean, c'mon, how on earth did any of us survive? You CAN give a baby baths withOUT a baby tub and you CAN choose to do things differently than the rules created for morons who actually hurt their child with a Q-tip or an overheated bottle or bath, or baby powder dictate for us all. Some of grandma's tips are the best there are and rules have been created for the general public as a whole in response to a few.....common sense is key. I am very grateful for the very useful tips my mother shared with me upon bringing my first and second new babies home since they were different genders. Of course, I trusted my mother and didn't spend 20 months reading up on the "new" ways to raise children. I trust my own instincts, and my mother's. Of course, I don't believe in pretending with people or in relationships and find overly-sensitive people really annoying.
    

    posted by : CEP on 5/15/2009 at 1:40 AM Flag For Abuse

24. My MIL is very, very involved and my mother isn't right now because she is mentally ill and typically more like the author.  As a result I'm constantly trying to give my own mother a place with her only two granchildren.  My MIL, is a very nice woman, but culturally we have had many differences and she likes to be very involved with all of ther 8 grandchildren, to the point where she has alienated her SIL and DILs.  I wish she would find a middle ground.  Maybe I should send her this article?  Sigh.

    posted by : adjm on 8/4/2009 at 1:12 AM Flag For Abuse

25. Keri Larson,
    You're the patronizing one: "modern parents do things very differently than thirty years ago, and things accepted then as good parenting have been rejected as harmful by younger, wiser, and more educated parents."
    
    Younger, but WISER parents? I think this si the problem with a lot of parents today (and I am a parent in my 30s...so I speak from that point of view): we think we know it all; we brush off all advice, assistance, and are so easily annoyed by our parents' attempts to help. But you know what? It doesn't kill a new mom to get some advice from her mom sometimes. Maybe the advuce sucks; maybe in retrospect--when one has loosened up a tad--it resonated. Either way, you can look beyond it if you have an ounce of compassion and gratitude, and see it for what it is: a grandparent wanting to help.
    
    I realize I'm generalizing here, but seriously, what makes Today's Mom the expert? And yesterday's mom the antiquated doozy? The pendulum always swings, and our babies are not the first babies born to the world.
    
    Nonna, I hope your son appreciates the love you bring to the table and that he loosens up a tad when the babe grows. There's nothing like the support of loving grandparents who are ready and willing to take a child nd give the parents a break. S what if Grandma doesn't mash the avocado in quite the same way as the Perfect New Mom. Its the thought that counts. And unless you're an intrusive one-upping, critical grandparent (which clearly you are very far from being, Nonna) then the kids should be grateful. And honor your role as much as you honor theirs in this article.
    

    posted by : Amanda Gersh on 9/1/2009 at 12:36 AM Flag For Abuse