feedback for "Dispatch: The Cult of the Bad Mother"

1. I know a stay at home mother. Her house is filthy. Her three children have no manners and regularly give each other black eyes and bite marks. They are all having trouble in school both academically and behaviorally. (The children are all in school for full days.) When she is with them she rolls her eyes at them when they approach her for anything. She also yells at them. 
   When I am out with this lady and her friends, she constantly complains about her kids and how much work she has to do. Her friends then all nod and take turns telling their similar stories. They reassure each other that they are all good mothers. It is all I can do to refrain from saying anything. 
   Maybe that's what the problem is. We are all so busy being polite no one wants to name the elephant in the room. No one wants to be the one to say:
   Your kids are a mess. There is stuff smeared on your walls and towering piles of laundry everywhere. Stop watching Regis & Kelly, and Oprah, and who knows what else on TV, get up off of your lazy behind and get to work! 
   
   
   
   
   

   posted by : Hmmm on 5/28/2009 at 7:00 PM Flag For Abuse

2. I think you raise some good points, here - but what I would like to see is some discussion of things that do seem to happen, even if they are actually bad, and what to do about them.  I don't think I know a single parent who hasn't forgotten offspring once.  Maybe you are right that instead of excusing you, we should castigate you for it.  But what does it mean that it happens to almost everyone? If it's really "bad" and it happens anyway - then what? 
   
   I'm not so big on public criticism and shaming.  I've done a lot of research into the effects of punishments intended to reform through shame, and I no longer believe they cause anything but harm.  Some people might need to be confined or imprisoned; some lose the privilege of parenting, some punished in other ways, and some treated for illness - but shaming isn't the way to go about any of these.  I disagree with "Hmmm."  I'm not sure this mother is someone who needs to be shamed to improve things with her children and home.  It sounds as though she is, indeed, doing a bad job, at least on some fronts.  But I don't know that neighbors being scornful, derisive, and nasty is going to stop it.  She sounds like someone who needs some help - who might be overwhelmed by there three children; who might be depressed.  She sounds like she could use some help with parenting, which doesn't come naturally - she might need to be taught why boundaries and discipline are important, even if they're hard to mete out at first.  This stuff doesn't come naturally. And you don't learn it through nastiness. Nastiness makes you defensive, prompts you to deny what problems there are as a defense, rather than being open to help. You learn by example or by instruction.  And if the situation still continues, then maybe other things are warranted.  But I don't think "Get off your lazy a**" is going to improve things for this family.
   
   How about if we stop caring about who is a bad parent and who is a good parent.  How about if, instead, we start talking about when it is hard to be a parent of any sort, and what we can do to make it easier?

   posted by : leahsmom on 5/29/2009 at 9:19 AM Flag For Abuse

3. Have we really abondoned the Good Mother concept?  There could be no Bad Mother without the Good Mother reference point.  Aren't some moms attracted to the Bad Mother stories so they can say "well at least I don't do THAT."  "Confessions" of Bad Mothers imply that they've done something wrong or unacceptable.  Aspiring to be a Good Mother (i.e. perfect June Cleaver mother) and "confessing" that you're not, are two sides of the same coin.

   posted by : njsmommy on 5/29/2009 at 11:16 AM Flag For Abuse

4. Seems to me that this is just another way that mother's compete.  The bad/slacker parent title seems to be worn like a badge of honour.  Somehow the "this is hard and I'm struggling" confession has turned in to "I'm too cool to bother".  It kinda makes me sick.
   

   posted by : SS on 5/29/2009 at 12:11 PM Flag For Abuse

5. I wouldn't equate "previously taboo subjects like date rape and domestic violence and abortion was both healing and empowering" with the current dishing about chardonnay in the sippy cup or parking tots in front of the TV...that's really kind of ignorant.
   

   posted by : GP on 5/29/2009 at 1:18 PM Flag For Abuse

6. I think some of this is reflective of how distracted everyone seems to be in our culture.  My friend was texting while driving her car with her two small children in the back and hit a mailbox and everyone laughed about it.  It probably wouldn't have been so funny if it had been her in a ditch or a sprawled dog or mowed down pedestrian.  But somehow we have accepted that texting while driving is okay in the same ways that other faults from multi-tasking are okay (until you leave a baby in a hot car and she dies).  I live next door to my mother and on an almost daily basis I remind myself and my husband that we need to ALWAYS always look every direction when we are backing out of the driveway since she walks between our houses.  I think some degree of helicopter parenting is necessary in this regards but there is a whole slew of blogs about how it is wrong to be so (in my mind) observant.  And, of course, there needs to be a balance so our children learn independence. 
   

   posted by : mamatried on 5/29/2009 at 1:39 PM Flag For Abuse

7. Great essay, Katie. I've definitely noticed that it's "cool" to call yourself a slacker mom or a bad mother now...even when the infractions are something relatively minor, like watching too much TV one day so Mom can have a break. In my opinion that doesn't make you a bad mother, or particularly unusual or cool. It's just...pretty average.
   
   Honestly, I've had my run-ins with the "sanctimommies' that I hear talked about online ad nauseum, but I've found that it's pretty easy to avoid and/or ignore them if you try, at least in real life. Most people I know are neither the mythically perfect "good mother" nor a total slacker. They're somewhere in the middle, doing the best they can, just like me.
   
   Mamatried, I consider myself a laid-back mom--a very laid-back mom by some standards, and I allow my children more freedoms than I think is the norm right now--but I'm observant at the same time. I can guarantee you, if I hit a mailbox with my kids in the car because I was texting and driving, nobody in my circle of friends would be laughing about it. I'm not saying they'd shame me or outwardly judge me, but nobody would find it funny...unless perhaps I was sitting in my driveway texting, and the mailbox fell on ME.
   

   posted by : Meagan Francis on 5/29/2009 at 2:55 PM Flag For Abuse

8. "The mostly-white, mostly-college-educated mothers (like me) who pen "momoirs" about things like letting their third grader navigate public transportation sans adult supervision get appearances on talk shows. However, a poor, minority or immigrant mother who made the same parenting choice would more likely get a visit from Child Protective Services." 
   
   I think a poor, minority mother making that choice just wouldn't be considered coverage-worthy by the media.  As for CPS, that threat gets thrown around a lot by people who have no idea what actions CPS determines necessitates their involvement.  A third grader taking the subway by himself is legal.  Many do it every day.  Most are not white.
   
   On SS' comment, I agree.  The proud 'bad mother' sounds to me like the parent equivalent of the fashion model who boasts, "I eat junk food and never think about my weight."
   

   posted by : MSM on 5/29/2009 at 3:00 PM Flag For Abuse

9. I have to say I love every second of exposing the "bad parent!" The point of these articles, for me, is to show everyone (including myself) how ridiculous we are for giving ourselves and/ or other moms SUCH a hard time over things that, most of which, end up being pretty harmless in the end. What is it that makes us so ready and willing to crucify other women for being "bad?"
   
   Hmmm-- if you had known this woman before she was a mother, I'm sure you would have found another reason to criticize her. Maybe she partied too hard on the weekend or something. Just leave her alone and mind your own business. What's so hard about that? "Bad Parent" is made possible by the contributions of "good parents" such as yourself who always need to show the rest of us the way.

   posted by : Meck on 5/29/2009 at 3:09 PM Flag For Abuse

10. I think we judge mothers way too harshly most of the time.  Mothers are just people who have children.  Having children doesn't mean you are or should be perfect.  I think there is a whole culture out there that exists to judge mothers for all kinds of ridiculous offenses.
    
    And by the way, I read your blog and I really think that you judge yourself too harshly about leaving C with "the babysitter."  I really don't think forgetting your child is with her grandmother is on the same level as forgetting your child is in the backseat.  Your baby was not with you, in your care, at the time.  She was with a family member and in the back of your mind you knew that she was safe.  Even if you left her with an actual unrelated sitter, it's not the same.  It's a whole other level of distraction to drive somewhere with your kid in the car, and leave that car for a period of time without the kid (sun or no sun, winter or summer).  I know those people didn't mean to do it, but I just don't understand how you ever leave a small child in a car (except perhaps to quickly run into the house or something).  How do you forget who you are with?

    posted by : Melissa Andrews on 5/29/2009 at 3:13 PM Flag For Abuse

11. Let's face it. Sometimes, it is better for some to just go back to work and let someone who wants to and can do a better job of taking care of the child. Just being home and being there is not enough. When the parent's  attention is elsewhere, like on the tv or computer or on the phone constantly, it may be better if they just went to work.  Things do happen. No one is perfect.  As long as no one is hurt and in danger, then I guess it can slide.  However, when it puts the children in danger, that is another story.   Children become how their parents are. You have to be a good role model in order for them to listen to what you say.  It can't be do as I say, not as I do.

    posted by : Advocate for safe children on 5/29/2009 at 4:17 PM Flag For Abuse

12. i loved this post.I do love reading the Bad Mommy columns :) - but i don't think they are actual bad mommies - i wish i could read some "awesome mommy" posts - but you know, i read them and either feel depressed bcz i'm not that awesome :) or i think they are lying LOL!I did love Jack Black's comments when he had his first child - about how "I'm gonna be the greatest daddy in the world, and i will win the daddy olympics and all the other daddies will have to bow down to me"...
    i think the whole "good Mother" was something societally useful, in encouraging mothers to put their children first (which is what has to happen), and setting up a healthy standard.  Problem is, how many different areas are you allowed to be a bad mother?  It's hard to excel in every single area - some can paint, some can sing, some can cook.  some are great at peekaboo, and others at discussing novels with preteens...  And people who are insecure struggle with unrealistic standards.
    There was a book awhile ago about "the Good Enough Mother" which is what i think most of us are :) - but i do want to aspire to be "the best mama", and maybe reading the bad mommy posts encourage me that there is hope there :)

    posted by : mamazee73 on 5/29/2009 at 4:28 PM Flag For Abuse

13. I don't know. I think there are a lot of bad parents out there, and frankly, I've ended several friendships because I just couldn't stomach the way these people "parented" their offspring. (And I'm not talking about letting your toddler watch an hour of tv a day.) Does that make me sanctimonious? Maybe so. That's fine with me. There are "bad parents" and there are really, truly bad parents. I think most of us know that.

    posted by : JessicaMama on 5/29/2009 at 4:46 PM Flag For Abuse

14. I aspire to be a "Good Enough Mama." That's exactly right. Some days I hit the mark. Some days I don't.
    
    -Katie Allison Granju
    

    posted by : katie allison granju on 5/29/2009 at 4:56 PM Flag For Abuse

15. Such a good article, and I love all the commentary. A reminder that at the heart of it, parenting is an important, serious job with huge consequences.
    

    posted by : Avril Archibald on 5/30/2009 at 12:51 AM Flag For Abuse

16. I disagree that the difference between being a bad mother and being a good mother is the freedom to discuss the challenges openly.  I think that in many ways the June Cleaver attitude was much healthier: at least she put a smile on her face and some effort into the whole process.  Now it seems like moms just want to slump back into the sofa with a glass of wine and tell themselves that they're "good enough".  Is that any way to approach parenthood?  I know I'm not a perfect mother because I'm a fallible human being, but I do aspire to be the best mother I can be every single day.  That means that I shut off the tv when it would be easier to just let my daughter veg in front of it a little longer, that I only give her fast food as a rare treat (and certainly not when she was a baby!), that I suck it up and go to that long, boring PTA meeting because my daughter's education is important to me.  I bake cookies from scratch instead of buying them at the supermarket and my kitchen floor is clean enough to eat off of.  I'm not saying these things to brag, just to say, I TRY.  It requires a little extra effort, but my daughter is worth it and in the end, the effort I expend makes motherhood that much more fulfilling.

    posted by : Doing My Best on 5/30/2009 at 9:05 AM Flag For Abuse

17. "It is worth considering whether our ever-increasing media appetite for maternal imperfection might be leading us down a slippery slope of misplaced tolerance, where passing any sort of judgment against any sort of parenting — no matter how clearly unsatisfactory — ceases to exist."
     I don't think that there is any danger of this happening: just read the comments on any Bad Parent posting about breastfeeding, vaccinations, circumcision, work vs stay at home moms, watching TV, eating fast food...pretty much anything. Posters seem to be plenty eager to slam other parents' decisions.
    There is such a thing as too much tolerance: there are plenty of behaviors that endanger children's health and/or well-being. I'm talking about leaving a baby home in their crib to run "a quick errand", use of illicit drugs in a home with children, not using child restraints, domestic violence. Things like that. I think it's a mistake to confuse being a bad parent (one who beats or neglects their child) with being a laid-back parent who might have a regular pizza night or let their kids watch 3 hours of TV on a Saturday. And lay off the people who chose to get their kids vaccines - I've never heard of a pediatrician who recommended not getting them, and they don't make money off giving those shots. Getting your kids their MMR and making them wear a seat belt even though they don't like it is kind of exactly the same idea behind not drinking while you are pregnant and taking prenatal vitamins: a healthy child. That's the goal at the end of the day. If you are making that one, you are being a good parent. Deal with it. We need more like you.

    posted by : the mommy on 5/31/2009 at 3:34 AM Flag For Abuse

18. Of course it varies.  I've enjoyed some bad parent columns.  But most are penned by santimommies or sanctidaddies in disguise.  It's like highschool posturing all over again.  Usually what the writers mean is they are amazing parents with even more amazing children.   We just can't understand with our lame rules and common sense.
    
    It's rarely every about real struggles with how to balance parenting and other aspects of yourself or the world's demands. 
    
    It is.  I guess babble just doesn't attract many writers of that caliber.  Few are capable of being really honest and  hard to really grapple openly with one's failings.  But good writers should be able to share the reality of their experiences.  Instead what we mostly get are sanctimommies in the disguise. (This is true with a lot of what is on Babble.  Though there are few stand out bloggers.)
    
    Sager is the worst of the bunch.  Though it might be because she writes so many more Bad Parent columns.  Easy paycheck I guess.  Smug is easier to do than honest.
    
    MSM, you said exactly what I wanted to say.  CPS would NOT take a 9 year old boy from his home because he rides public transportation alone.  Nothing that Lenore Skenazy did was bad parenting.  She never postulated she was a bad parent.  She adopted the title of Worst Mother in America as a funny way to reflect on what others said about her.  If you listen to her or read her work, you'll find she admits to many parental failings, but letting her boy ride the subway home alone is not one of them. But her writing is FAR superior to most of the stuff that Babble publishes.  She's not another mommy blogger who needs attention.
    
    It is quite common for kids from lower income homes to have far more freedom than what is given to those from wealthier homes.  This is NOT neglect.   You just have to think about what you did at what age.  At 6 I was going to the park by myself and the nearby convience store about 20 minutes away (on short legs).  This was not neglect.  This was perfectly normal.  My current neighbourhood is every bit as safe as the one I grew up in.  Skenazy proves this by doing the research.  That crazy old timey reporting!  Who knew you could still do research?
    
    Often social agencies in my city give bus tickets to lower income families so their kids can attend subsidized extra curriculars.  It's fully undestood that their hard working low wage earning parents cannot take them.  They are too busy trying to make ends meet.

    posted by : anon on 5/31/2009 at 7:08 AM Flag For Abuse

19. Wow, Anon... why do you even visit this site if you despise it so much?

    posted by : kiwi mum on 5/31/2009 at 8:12 AM Flag For Abuse

20. or is anon Lenore Skenazy?
    

    posted by : anon2 on 5/31/2009 at 3:20 PM Flag For Abuse