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3/5 of our kids call my husband by his first name, despite the fact that I always refer to him as "Daddy" when talking to them. I have no idea why they don't all call him the same thing, but the point is that calling you by your first name is not indicative of your being his biological father or not. If you don't insist on using Daddy/Dad/etc., some kids will end up using your first name, regardless of whether or not you're their bio dad. Obviously we don't insist on Daddy/Mommy either. I've never been called Mommy, always Mom... He sounds like a smart kid though!
posted by : Maureen in Sammamish on 6/15/2009 at 3:23 AM Flag For Abuse
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Beautiful story.
posted by : justanothermom on 6/15/2009 at 3:36 AM Flag For Abuse
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This is the best thing I've read on Babble. Bravo!
posted by : KnittyMN on 6/15/2009 at 12:09 PM Flag For Abuse
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I loved this piece, simply loved it. So much so that I'm crying as I write this.
posted by : knoxmom on 6/15/2009 at 12:43 PM Flag For Abuse
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Fantastic article. I look forward to reading more of this author's work!
posted by : Chimom on 6/15/2009 at 1:12 PM Flag For Abuse
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This is such a sweet story, it reminds me of my relationship with my daughter. I mean, err, stepdaughter. LOL
posted by : nahrie on 6/15/2009 at 2:15 PM Flag For Abuse
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My step-dad's name is Kevin, too. He married my mom when all of the children in my generation were grown, but is a wonderful grandfather. My three-year-old son sometimes calls him "Grampa Kevin," and my nieces refer to him as their Grampa, but they all call him Kevin. My son, in fact, seems to think that a "Kevin" is something that everyone has--it's a classification that goes naturally with "Grammie." So when he's playing with stuffed animals or dolls and naming family members, there's always a Kevin in the mix.
posted by : Jessie in MA on 6/15/2009 at 2:17 PM Flag For Abuse
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I love happy endings! Great article!!
posted by : NJSmommy on 6/15/2009 at 2:33 PM Flag For Abuse
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um, dude. Sorry ti burst all the happy bubbles, but you are not his dad. And his "bio dad" may not appreciate the way you "resent" him. It is nice that you love him and all, but seems a little disrespectful
posted by : stepmom on 6/15/2009 at 2:38 PM Flag For Abuse
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I love his answer. Did you figure out what he meant by "I wanted you to notice"? Maybe he had some anxiety near the beginning of your relationship, worries he'd be overlooked? But it sounds like he's managed to really work around them, if so - and I'm so happy for both of you that he was able to say what he did.
posted by : leahsmom on 6/15/2009 at 2:39 PM Flag For Abuse
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Cute story, and don't listen.. you are his dad just as much as his "real" dad. A dad isn't about genes, it's about love, nurturing, and being present in a child's life. Sounds like an easy call to me. :)
posted by : Lin on 6/15/2009 at 3:01 PM Flag For Abuse
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this was the best thing I have read on babble.thank you.
posted by : childless on 6/15/2009 at 3:17 PM Flag For Abuse
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Great piece. I was teary at the end, I'll admit! You are his dad in every way that counts and his biological dad is really missing out, like so many absent parents. I'm sure you realize this, but you are so lucky to have each other!
Just curious - now that you've 'noticed' does Gavyn call you Kevin or dad?
posted by : Voice of Reason on 6/15/2009 at 3:34 PM Flag For Abuse
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Don't listen to Bitter Stepmom, above. Who gives a crap about DNA? My stepdad has been my "real" dad since he moved in with me and my mom 30 years ago, just like you're Gavyn's REAL dad. I love that strangers now gush about how my son looks like my stepdad, just like they used to gush about how he and I have the same eyes. Only one of my dads walked me down the aisle, and it wasn't the sperm donor, I'll tell you that much. It sounds cheezy, I know, but love builds a family, and that's what you've got, Kevin.
posted by : Mhristie on 6/15/2009 at 3:44 PM Flag For Abuse
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I can see what caused Patrice to overlook the posters and the bong.
None of us are ready for parenthood when it happens, whether it happens the way we plan it or not. How we adapt once children have come into into our lives is the important thing. And you seem to have turned into a really great Dad.
posted by : Jaelithe on 6/15/2009 at 4:54 PM Flag For Abuse
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Oh, he's hilarious. And this story is very, very sweet. Thank you.
posted by : zpetals on 6/15/2009 at 5:11 PM Flag For Abuse
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Great story! Gave me a reason to stop and think about why I still call my stepdad (after him being in my life for 20+ years) by his first name to him, but refer to him as my dad to friends. Either way... he IS my kids' grandpa.
posted by : April C on 6/15/2009 at 6:48 PM Flag For Abuse
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Best Babble story, hands down! The "real" factor, that's what this author has been able to connect with where most other authors fail. Thank you for this amazing essay.
posted by : bravo on 6/15/2009 at 8:17 PM Flag For Abuse
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Like hell, Bitter Stepmom. The poor kid's father BAILED on him. This was his first visit with the seven-year-old in TWO YEARs. Assholes like that don't deserve to be anyone's dad, DNA or not. Who gives a crap what bailout dad "appreciates" or not? I, for one, couldn't care less what a man who abandons his child for the joys of surf-boarding thinks about anything, much less the responsible adult who steped in to take over the job he ditched.
posted by : KnittyMN on 6/15/2009 at 8:19 PM Flag For Abuse
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That made me cry. Thank you and congratulations on caring for and cherishing your entire family.
posted by : ceecee on 6/15/2009 at 11:17 PM Flag For Abuse
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I think Stepmom makes a good point.
Who gives a crap about the biological father? I’ll bet that little boy does. Look, people have a great capacity to love. Just as this father can love a boy that is not his biological son, this son can love a man who is not his biological father.
In my experience, children whose fathers abandon them or really let them down still love their fathers. But not all people will feel the same way. Plus, this father wants to re-connect and we don’t know why. He made a mistake, but he has every right to fix that. No matter what happens, he’s the boy’s father.
Even if the biological father flits in and out of this boy’s life, the boy will probably still love him. A stepfather in this situation has to accept the reality that this other man is the boy’s father. No amount of tucking in and school plays will change that fact. It’s unfair. But life’s unfair. If he can’t accept that, it will sour his relationship with the boy.
posted by : Anon on 6/16/2009 at 8:40 AM Flag For Abuse
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@stepmom-
With this story I dont' think you can burst any happy bubbles. He is the DAD in that home... bio or step. Now...Is he the child's "bio/birth"? Nope. Do we know this? Yes. Does he know this? Yes. Does his stepson/ son know this? Yes.
Will we always know it? Yes. Will they always know it? Yes. But this is a wonderful example of true rawness in the blended family working some definite love. (and IMHO you can never have too much love)
With regards to being disrespectful to the bio-father....I don't think he was being disrespectful. He stated some of the facts without going into detail about the bio-father. It's upon our shoulders to not think disrespectful of the bio-father. We don't know why he did what he did ....and frankly it's none of our business. He is trying and that is wonderful! Period. Nothing less nothing more.
Something tells me the bio-father's postion is very much respected in their home. We step-parents may vent very little about what we don't like about our situation (which is perfectly fine) but in most households the respect for the bio-parents is HUGE in the home....it's just others don't get to hear about all of the GREAT examples of how we're respecting the bio-parent on a daily basis. Most want to take the one thing we vent about or say in a negative context and blow the damn ship out of the water. Ha!
@anon
I'm sure Keck understands the fact that he is the boy's stepfather. He's the one who lives it everyday. He's remineded of it everyday. He sounds as though he's accepting of this reality.
Will anything change this reality???? Nope.
Does anyone want to change this reality?? Nope, I seriously don't think so.
You commented that it was unfair. What's unfair? Keck gets to participate in this amazing boy's life everyday. He gets to be there on the front lines for everything. He gets to love this boy.....and he gets to recieve this incredible gift of love back from this boy....And now the boy's father is visiting!....so their is this huge possibility that the boy will have more of a relationship with his bio-father......how is any of this unfair?
Oh! THAT'S RIGHT! We're talking about the name people choose to call us instead of the love and understanding humans give to one another....my bad.
(Yep...life's unfair. lol!)
It's all about what's in the heart.... which is the warmth of this story
posted by : knoxmom on 6/16/2009 at 11:56 AM Flag For Abuse
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Great article! I write with tears in my eyes.
posted by : Scandinavian Mom on 6/16/2009 at 12:53 PM Flag For Abuse
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Wow, all you have to do to delete a comment here on Babble is click the little "Flag for Abuse" link and it magically vanishes. That's so awesome! Way to make sure there's no dissenting opinions or actual discussion!
posted by : Testing on 6/16/2009 at 1:42 PM Flag For Abuse
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I'm curious as to why my comment was deleted? Anyone know?
I would appreciate a response. Thank you.
Just curious....but isn't this the place we come to in order to discuss the article?
posted by : knoxmom on 6/16/2009 at 2:34 PM Flag For Abuse
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Knoxmom, it was deleted because someone clicked the Flag for abuse link, which automatically removed the comment. That's it... no reason, no explanation, no email from the site admins, just someone clicks and link and presto, your comment is gone. Apparently anyone who reads this site has full admin powers to censor the discussion. If that's how Babble wants it, fine, but I'm done.
posted by : Testing on 6/16/2009 at 5:59 PM Flag For Abuse
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so that's what happened to my other comment on that "Dreamhouse" snooze fest! wow! Babble should look into it before someone just deletes everything!
posted by : ack on 6/16/2009 at 6:29 PM Flag For Abuse
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The man I call my dad is my stepfather. My biological father dropped out of my life much like the boy in the story and I can tell you with authority that the one dad that I have, the one that walked be down the aisle, the one that my kids call Grandpa, is the man who raised and loved me, the man who showed me what qualities to look for in the father of my own children.
The biological father in this story is no more deserving of the title "dad" than anyone else you see every couple of years. He isn't a father. It doesn't matter if he loves the child if he is not parenting the child, IMO.
In the years to come, the biological father may want to reestablish a relationship with the boy in the story. I wish him luck with that. By the time my dad came around I wasn't interested. I'm not bitter - I have a dad. He's just not the man who got my mother pregnant.
Happy Father's Day, dad!
posted by : stepchild on 6/17/2009 at 1:12 PM Flag For Abuse
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My wife walked out and took the kid, and I have no idea where they are. That was 5 years ago. If my kid ever called another man "Dad" it would make me furious. Even if he filled in for all the things that I wanted to do but never got the chance. No matter how nurturing my kid's hypothetical stepfather might be (like I said, I have no idea where they are now or what they are doing), he would still not be her father by any stretch of the imagination.
posted by : qwerty on 6/17/2009 at 8:40 PM Flag For Abuse
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Okay, naysayers, explain me this:
If I were to adopt a child (whose parents were alive); would that rule me out as the child's parent? Just because it's not 'biological'? Of course not, that's ludicrous. Just as ludicrous as it is for adults on this comment page to deny what that child stated as his own personal truth. Kevin is his dad.
I have two dads, one bio and one step. I love them both, a lot.
I have a brother that society would tell me I should refer to as my HALF-brother. He is not HALF anything to me.
I have a friend who went through some really bad stuff as a teen, and ended up with two children. Those two children have different genetics, as they had different fathers. They have the same Dad, though. He's the one who's raising them now, and doesn't share any genes with them at all.
My goodness. It would seem that some of you have never seen that mug that pops up every year around this time.
"Anyone can be a father, but it take someone special to be a dad"
Oddly enough, the mug doesn't specify that the special someone must be biologically related.
posted by : Thanks Kevin on 6/19/2009 at 1:02 PM Flag For Abuse
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Happy Father's day Kevin!
posted by : knoxmom on 6/21/2009 at 12:22 PM Flag For Abuse
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the job you're doing has nothing to do w/ the title.. my son calls my husband by his first name - and to him, it is just as intimate or special as "dad" because he's called him that from the time we were dating (when he was 1), ...I wonder if my husband feels like the title "dad" is something to be earned? or a reflection of the job he's doing? I hope not - because I know my son loves him and depends on him a great deal, and I know it's not a reflection of the affection my son feels or doesn't feel for him.
You sound like a wonderful dad. Giving your son the space with his biological dad really takes more emotional maturity than you give yourself credit for.
This story was great.
that girl
posted by : thatgirl595 on 6/26/2009 at 12:20 PM Flag For Abuse
