feedback for "Personal Essay: Adoption Boot Camp"

1. Been there, adopted from foster caret. It is all worth it in the end. But please be aware that love does NOT conquer all. It takes a lot of hard work and stretching yourself in ways you never imagined possible. But that's what being a parent is all about. Good luck.
   

   posted by : Adoptive mom on 7/9/2009 at 11:32 AM Flag For Abuse

2. Congratulations on your impending parenthood. I am also a parent through adoption. The process is fraught no matter which path you chose, and once you are a parent, the how you got there becomes less significant. Your life is taken up with the day to day. Parenthood and its associated challenges and joys is a great equalizer.
   
   To that end, I think it is extremely important that we not pass judgement on one another, especially within the adoption community. Your choice to fost-adopt is terrific. So is someone else's choice to adopt internationally. So is mine to adopt an infant. None better than the other, none worse.
   
   Best of luck!
   

   posted by : camamma on 7/10/2009 at 1:39 AM Flag For Abuse

3. Beautifully written.  Too bad we don't all have to go through that process before we can conceive - the world would be a lot better off (although there'd be a lot less children in it, I suspect).  Wishing you luck!

   posted by : JoAnnG on 7/10/2009 at 8:59 AM Flag For Abuse

4. We adopted our daughter through a domestic infant program and went through a "boot camp" similar to what you described, as we actually had to foster her for six months before the adoption was finalized.  Most of the lessons had little time to sink in, however, as we had a match with our birthmother before we were even finished with the classes and a home study.  The whole process -- from when we joined the program to the day we brought her home -- was only three months.  I sometimes wish we had more time to process all of the information and to plan for such a big change in our lives, but that's just not how it happened for us.
   
   Now, our daughter is 20 months old, and we've all gotten used to being a family.  We're working on our open relationship with her birthmother, which adds a whole level of complexity, but we know keeping things open will be the best for all of us in the long run.  We're hoping to adopt again at some point and have started to talk about adopting an older child via foster care.  We've got a lot of questions and concerns, and so we have some soul-searching to do.  I hope you are able to post some updates on Babble; I'd love to hear how things go for you.
   
   Wishing you strength and courage in your own journey ...
   

   posted by : maryann on 7/10/2009 at 1:55 PM Flag For Abuse

5. Good luck and God bless. Reading your story made me wish everyone had to go through hardcore training before having a child!

   posted by : jessicamama on 7/10/2009 at 2:45 PM Flag For Abuse

6. "but it also made me wonder if people who adopt through the state do it because they have a bit of a savior complex"
   
   Probably a lot do, to a certain extent.  Is that a bad thing?  I don't think so. 
   
   Is saving a child from institutionalization and loneliness a bad thing?
   
   It's OK to be  "do gooder".  It's OK to want to save someone - as long as you go into it with your eyes open.  Which it sounds like you are.
   
   Good luck!
   
   

   posted by : beADoGooder on 7/10/2009 at 3:02 PM Flag For Abuse

7. Welcome to the wonderful world of fostering! I'm a foster-adoptive mom to three girls and was so excited to read your article. It brought back so many memories of our training.
   I think the phrase from class that made me do a doubletake was, "How do you feel about fecal smearing?"
   Whattal whatting? I was a bit taken aback by that one--didn't know there even was such a thing! The thing I remember most about our 30-hour state-mandated class was that they kept asking us questions about how we'd handle X and what we'd do if Y happened, and all I could think was, "Isn't it your job as the instructor to tell ME what to do?" We didn't have kids, so we didn't even have any life experience to draw upon. It felt many times (we had about 30 couples/singles in our class) like everyone else was so far ahead of us--were we really cut out for this? Well, we got licensed and were soon awaiting *the calls*, the first of which came a few months after we were licensed. We were lucky and were able to adopt most of the placements we got (one left and came back to us for good a few months later). But the first few days, when it was all new and the kids had come with nothing but the clothes on their backs, I vividly remember being physically ill and wondering what in the world we'd done. Needless to say, we got through it and all is as it was supposed to be. :-)
   We are no longer licensed, having been fortunate enough to build our family of three children in less than 5 years, but it truly was the most challenging and rewarding thing I have ever done.
   I applaud you for going in this direction and wish you all the best on your journey to parenthood!
   Melodie in Iowa

   posted by : meljurgens on 7/10/2009 at 3:06 PM Flag For Abuse

8. Hard information to hear for sure, but I am grateful you had the opportunity to hear it. After working for years on the post-adoptive side of the social work field with kids and families, it was painfully obvious that many adoption agencies never went through the realm of possible behaviors of kids from abused backgrounds with the adoptive parents. There's nothing worse than a parent adopting a kid, only to act in a way and verbalize their sorrow/anger at ever having done it in the first place. Or even going to the extreme of relinquishing their rights as parents. It's doubly traumatic for a kid in that situation.
   

   posted by : KaraH on 7/10/2009 at 3:31 PM Flag For Abuse

9. Wonderful story. I have a bio-kid and I wish I'd gone through a similar bootcamp to prep for motherhood. Good luck! Please be sure to update us.
   

   posted by : Astor on 7/10/2009 at 5:28 PM Flag For Abuse

10. My husband and I also went through the foster care training, but here in Texas we had to do it through a conservative religious organization.  At the time we had two young bio sons and the agency pressured us to be willing to bring home a child (we were hoping for a girl) who had been sexually abused.  They said she would likely act out towards our sons but it wouldn't matter because boys "aren't sensitive" like girls are.  We never felt comfortable enough with the agency to go through with fostering, which was heartbreaking.
    Anyway, I loved reading your story and I was impressed by how well you described your experiences and how you reflected on them.  I have no doubt that you will be a great Dad.  Parenting is such an adventure with moments of beauty and love interspersed with all sorts of body fluids and the occasional crisis.  

    posted by : Eliblu on 7/11/2009 at 10:42 AM Flag For Abuse

11. Best of luck with your adoption journey! But I agree with "camamma", please don't throw stones at the other avenues of pursuing an adoption plan.  There's really no need for that - we're all in this together! I adopted my son from Guatemala and my niece was adopted as an older child from Ethiopia.  Unless you've seen first hand the extreme level of poverty in these countries and the complete lack of social services, it's very hard to really imagine the level of suffering - there is NO foster care that will take care of those children. For thousands (millions?) of children, the ONLY option is living on the street by themselves, and what a tragic and harsh way of life that is for a baby/toddler/child to live our their lives.
    

    posted by : SingleAdoptiveMom on 7/11/2009 at 7:41 PM Flag For Abuse

12. Great article.  In the past 4 weeks we had sisters placed with us for adoption out of the Foster Care system.  They are 8 and 10 years old.  We are definitely coming out of the 'honeymoon' phase and heading into regression.
    
    Some nights I just want to break down and cry because of the lying, nighttime wetting (yes both still do) - but then they make a special picture or put on a skit.  They made a card that said 'thank you for adopting us' and gave it to us after they made breakfast for us (a bowl of cereal) one morning.
    
    This is probably the hardest and most rewarding experience my husband and I have faced yet in our marriage.  Good luck to you and just make sure as you read the children's backgrounds that you know exactly what you'll be able to handle and don't feel bad about trying down some children.  We went through several before we found our daughters.

    posted by : Frustrated but happy on 7/12/2009 at 2:25 PM Flag For Abuse

13. Wonderful news you have decided to adopt.  You are right there are too many kids who need families out there.  But please dont insult the millions of children left behind in third world countries.  I have adopted two from other countries and the conditions were horrific.  My youngest was tied to a potty chair for hours a day before she was a year old.  No heat, no clean water, no screens on the windows to keep out bugs, no hot water for cleaning.  It was heartbreaking.  But every kid I saw had hope in their eyes and everyone of them wanted a family, any family, to want them.  Many countries still allow singles to adopt.  Once home, your partner can adopt the child as well.  The kids in the US are very lucky.  Our foster are system is wonderful.  The children get an education, healthcare, a bed, clean clothes,  one caretaker per a small number of kids and plenty to eat.  Most children without families in the thrid world have none or very little of that.  Let's place a high value on every child and every family, no matter how they are brought together and say a prayer for all of the children who cry themselves to sleep everynight all alone.

    posted by : Ali on 7/12/2009 at 9:21 PM Flag For Abuse

14. How interesting that some responders tuned in to the small reference to international or private domestic adoption but no one tuned into the line, "these days international adoptions are open primarily to married, straight couples with the license to prove it."  As a single gay man, it was tough to find an agency that would work with me.   It's tough not to throw stones at those who've shut you out of the thing you want most, especially when it favors one type of family over another.   

     

    Oddly, I think that Health and Human Services inadvertently pushes people toward private adoption by describing kids in care as irreparably "damaged" (especially the older ones) by replaying the horror stories in these trainings.  I signed on to foster/adopt because a social worker said to me that she was looking for good homes for great kids in bad situations.  This is how I approached my son (then 6, now 8) and although it was often difficult, many of the greatest challenges came from the Health and Human Services or Legal bureaucracies.  If I were to teach that class, those would be the stories I would tell. 

    posted by : singlegaydadinmaine on 7/14/2009 at 3:51 PM Flag For Abuse

15. to singlegaydadinmaine, re the "throwing stones at those who have shut you out" - I assume you were referencing my request that the author not "throw stones" at international adoptions. Please look at my signature - I adopted my son as a SINGLE parent, which is a viable option for both men and women. Ethiopia (where Brad and Angelina Jolie adopted from - and who were referenced by the author in regards to international adoption) is currently open to SINGLES, as are many other countries. Singles may not be able to adopt from every country out there, but there are many many options. I would say single men are not shut out at all.
    

    posted by : SingleAdoptiveMom on 7/14/2009 at 7:55 PM Flag For Abuse

16. Thanks for a great article about a topic that doesn't seem to get much attention.  Foster parenting can be a wonderful thing but often the only attention it gets is when foster parents do terrible things or when kids are badly abused and the stories makes the news. 
    
    I got my foster parenting license more than seven years ago.  The first several calls were offering children that needed more care than I, as a first time parent and single person, thought I could handle.  When I finally was called for a child I could take, I was told there was "high legal risk".  In the training, we were told about all the problems the kids could have (and the list was extensive) but I thought most of the issues could be dealt with with time, love and professional help.  I also know what "high legal risk" meant.  What I was not prepared for was how inept and poorly trained some (though not all) of the social workers were.
    
    The worst part of the experience for me was when the social worker called at noon on a Friday and told me they had found a "resource" for "the child" and he would be "reunified later that day".   This was code for "we've found a relative who thinks she'll only have the baby for a few months while his mom gets her act together".  When I asked about a transition period for my foster son so he could get to know the people he would be living with, I was told, "He doesn't need one, he's just a baby."
    
    I was stunned.  I was shocked.  I felt like I was kicked in the gut.  In my training, they had said unless their was an emergency, they always tried to transition kids slowly to help them adjust to their new living situation.  Since I knew that "my son" was going to have a transition period, I hadn't prepared my heart for the move.  Having him go so abruptly nearly tore my heart out.
    
    Even after that experience, I continued to foster parent.  I was hooked -- wiser but hooked.  Parenting my foster son was WONDERFUL.  Parenting my foster daughter was WONDERFUL.  The roller coaster of kids coming and going was terrible.  The roller coaster of birth parents getting things together, falling apart, getting one more chance from the court, getting things together, falling apart was awful.  The problems my kids had seemed insignificant compared to mess that was the system. 
    
    In the end, my foster son came back to me.  I adopted him and he is doing great.  My foster daughter was adopted by her grandmother.  How often do we get to do something that is intrinsically good.  I would recommend foster parenting to anyone!

    posted by : WashingtonMom on 7/14/2009 at 8:00 PM Flag For Abuse

17. SingleAdoptiveMom,
    
    I think you sat in front of me in Soc 101. Often only skimmed the reading but felt compelled to comment anyway?  The authors point to their being gay (as did I with the alias singleGAYdadinmaine) as a barrier to adoption, which it is.  Several US states bar gay adoption even today. I was told I could adopt from Vietnam (the only country the agency worked with that allowed single men to adopt) if I took a signed affidavit that stated I was looking for a wife and would marry her when I found her. If the Vietnam officials suspected I was gay, the deal would be off. In short, the adoption agency aked me to commit perjury to become a parent.  Even China allowed single women to adopt when single men could not (allowing some lesbians to pose as sisters in order to adopt from China).  All to say that in adoption circles, single men are often assumed to be gay in a way that single women are not and excluded from adoption. 
    
    I think we need to throw a few stones.  My hope is that we (adoptive parents) can provide a healthy critique of all adoption processes.  It costs significantly more to adopt a white baby than a multi-racial child in the U.S. via private adoption.  Can any of us explain this in a way that does not include racist undertones? Foster and adoptive children from Health and Human Services come with a stipend. That is, some of us pay more than $30,000 to adopt and others are paid to adopt.  This is a commodification of adoption that doesn't get discussed. My guess is many of us received a chart that listed birth country, gender, race, age and price?   Aren't these issues worth a critique?

    posted by : singlegaydadinmaine on 7/16/2009 at 11:13 AM Flag For Abuse