feedback for "Dr. Mom"
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i didn't get to read the last couple paragraphs, because my daughter is getting me off the computer, but i don't think being a mother is wasting your education. you'll pass it on to your children + be able to fully answer their why questions. if you're bored, take them somewhere educational or focus more on your teaching them. celebrate the temporary + be grateful for your families health. i don't understand "bored"
posted by : modmom on 5/21/2007 at 2:28 PM Flag For Abuse
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I applaud you, DR. Tara Bishop, for expressing these feelings publicly. It takes courage to figure out what's bugging you - and what you need to do to fix things. Many moms I know have these feelings but just lock them up and throw away the key. Good for you for having a plan. I'm on the same path. I left a career as a radio producer and had a real love/hate relationship with the work. The career gave me huge amounts of pride. The hours left me exhausted and there were weeks where my husband and I would only talk via email or in passing late at night when I would come home from work. I decided to leave my work - something I'd done for a decade - after we had our baby. During the year of maternity leave, it was fine. I could tell people, "I'm a producer, on maternity leave and will return in May". But then once I finally made the decision not to return I quickly scrambled for words to help me and others deal with the concept. "I'm finishing my Master's degree" and "I'm working on several freelance writing projects" is what I tell people now...not, "I'm a stay at home mom". It's very difficult because I don't want other SAHM's to think I feel as though it's not a noble profession...because I truly have the utmost respect for those who make the choice to stay home to raise their babies. I think that I have this conflict within myself because I was entirely defined by my work for so long. I enjoyed being defined by my work. And to suddenly take on a whole new career has been a scary notion for me. Still, I'm forever grateful to have a baby that I CAN be home with - and I wouldn't do things differently right now. I try to savour the mindless moments...I remind myself these aren't mindless moments for my daughter.
posted by : jennyre on 5/21/2007 at 3:16 PM Flag For Abuse
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Thanks for writting what so many of us are feeling.... you might want to check out this website
posted by : my3boys on 5/21/2007 at 4:02 PM Flag For Abuse
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Great article. I definitely feel the same way as you, as I'm a working mom struggling with all of these issues. The one thing I'm worried about is if I ever leave my job, will I ever get back into work? I'm not sure it's so easy to do in the industry I work (PR), and is why I'm still trying to be a professional and a mom. A struggle for sure!
posted by : selfmademom on 5/21/2007 at 5:07 PM Flag For Abuse
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Well said (and well written!) I wrote about your essay at Job-Mom:
http://blogs.payscale.com/job_mom/2007/05/dr_mom_on_the_m.html
I hope you will write more essays about your journey -- I'm sure others would also like to hear what happens along the way.
posted by : crazedparent on 5/21/2007 at 5:49 PM Flag For Abuse
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Thank you!!
posted by : Jenna on 5/21/2007 at 8:28 PM Flag For Abuse
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What a great post!! I feel like a fight an internal battle with myself everyday over the choices I have made. I gave up a huge promotion at my work to stay at home full time with my son which is a choice that I don't regret. However, I believed that once I made that decision, I thought the 'internal battle' would end then and there which isn't what happened at all. It's great to know that I am not alone in my feelings and that there are other SAHM who fight the same battle everday.
posted by : milipan on 5/22/2007 at 8:23 AM Flag For Abuse
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Thank you for this post. I understand your decision, 60 hour weeks would break my heart, too. I think your plan is perfect: become part of the working world again, but with a job that does not force you out of the world of your kids. I am very happy with a full time job with reasonable working hours (40-45 hours) and a 3-year-old. Less hours would make it very hard to find a management job in my field, more hours would leave me too little time with my precious daughter (yes, I tuck her in almost every night). Are there enough high-level jobs out there that are "tuck-in compatible"?
posted by : mandarine on 5/22/2007 at 9:26 AM Flag For Abuse
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The thing is, we have such lousy child care in this country. Better care would expand options but as it is many women sacrifice to stay home when I think pt work would suit them and their families better. I think that we have to expand part time jobs. Not everyone needs to work full-time. Especially with the long commutes we have on average in the U.S. factored in. If you have a choice, who would choose to be away from their children 10 hours or more a day? That's not why we had children in the first place. Until we get the fathers involved, this probably won't change.
posted by : Mamacita1 on 5/22/2007 at 9:50 AM Flag For Abuse
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I might be a bit older (though not always wiser) than the average Babble blogger, and read your post from a different vantage point. I'm about to begin the college search for our youngest child and will send her off to college next year. We're approaching the infamous "empty nest."
I too often indulge myself in long glances in life's rearview mirror. We were just cleaning out the basement the other day and got caught up in preschool "about me" journals, childhood scribbles and thousands of saved art projects. Everyone said the years would pass quickly. I just can't believe how childhood and adolescence has flown by.
Yes, the days with young children (and teens!) can be tedious. It's difficult to put career aspirations on hold or aside, altogether. But those years cannot be retrieved -- and nothing is quite as rewarding as enjoying the company, the conversation and sometimes sharing the trendy clothing of your young adult children.
I think your insights are valuable -- and concerns common. I wrote about your post on another favorite site for parents:
posted by : BachMom on 5/22/2007 at 10:35 AM Flag For Abuse
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Nice post. I am very lucky to have a management position and be able to decide how many days a week I want to work. I worked three days a week from the time my now one and a half year old was 3 months until he was a year. After that, I went to four days a week, but my husband switched from 5 days a week to four days. We made a decision to each take a 20% paycut in our salary, but felt that the time spent with our son was worth it. And for me, being a stay at home mother is not a choice; I enjoy my work too much. I don't think that means that I love my son any less. A happy mommy means a happy household and it's fantastic having a husband who sees the value (and insisted for a year at his company) in taking a 20% cut to be with his son and share the joys (and frustrations) of child-rearing!
posted by : letvs on 5/24/2007 at 4:00 PM Flag For Abuse
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Thoughtful piece; we're addressing these issues as they affect moms in higher education in Mama, PhD (http://www.mamaphd.com)
posted by : caroline on 5/27/2007 at 5:50 PM Flag For Abuse
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Terrific essay. To Dr. Bishop and other moms, please do consider lending your voice to our internet survey on mothers as thinking, feeling individuals (and not just as moms) -- at MomsAsPeople.com. For comments on this survey by Judith Warner (referenced in Dr. Bishop's essay), please see my faculty web page:
Thanks so much --
Suniya Luthar, Ph.D.
Professor of Clinical and Developmental Psychology
Columbia University's Teachers College
posted by : SuniyaLuthar on 5/31/2007 at 12:04 PM Flag For Abuse
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I too went to medical school, though not Ivy League. For my husband and I it was a choice that was a no brainer for me to quit residency in pediatrics and have a child. My four month old just had his first fever and when a friend asked if I looked into his ears to see if they were infected I realized that I would never go back to practice medicine as my reply was "I am a mom, not a doctor." Does it make me sad to think that I wasted all of those stressful hours? A little. Do I regret it? Not when I look into my son's face. Do I get tired of my (childless) friends that think all I do all day is watch television? YES. However, my husband and I have not had to face the infertility problems, the childcare issues, and the stress of having to arrange two eighty-hour work weeks that our friends have. I have also come to the realization that no matter what you decide, to stay at home or to work, there is no right decision is other people's eyes. Just like everything else about being a mother.
posted by : HL4HAND on 6/1/2007 at 3:41 PM Flag For Abuse
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Well.... I'm certainly glad that I'm not in a high-pressure job
(usually), and I have 4 weeks of vacation, good affordable daycare,
8-minute commute, and a great boss. Oh! and a Cleaning Lady.
That's my secret weapon. ; ) So I don't live in a cool city
with a martini bar on every corner or a beach or mountains. I
live with my family, sanely.
What's up with the employers and workers - skilled and unskilled - in
this country who think that working 60 hours every week outside the
home is NORMAL in any way, shape or form?????????? NOBODY, not
even a single, childless, obsessive Manhattanite should be doing
that. Fuck that.
I know it's reality, but it's a stupid reality. This country
needs to chill out and honor the "family values" its government loves
to tout.
posted by : jenseju on 7/12/2007 at 3:01 PM Flag For Abuse
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Great article Tara! Being a full-time SAHM or a full-time working mom is such a personal decision. No one can make that choice except for you. Sounds like you have a good plan in place for when your kids get older. I'm a brand new mom myself and have given up working full-time...atleast for now. I thought I would go absolutely nuts being at home, but it hasn't been bad at all. I guess I'm learning how to redirect my "work energy" into my baby. Also, it's been helpful meeting other moms who are in the same situation.
Again, thanks for the great article!
-Blapher Karen
come blaph (blog + laugh) with us at: http://eeblaphing.eemoms.com
posted by : eemomsblapher1 on 7/18/2007 at 2:48 PM Flag For Abuse
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Thanks for writing this. I've recently gone back to work full-time, with a 7 month old and a 4 year old. I had lots of reasons, but the truth is that the boredom got to be much too much. I adore my kids, but I was meant to work.
I didn't go the Barefoot Contessa/Martha Stewart route. Instead, I became a hyper-organized type who shelled out big bucks to have our pantry re-engineered by a closet designer and developed Family Household Manuals. I also coordinated travel and holidays for my extended family - useful things to do, but a pale imitation of my former career.
I've found a good compromise job - reasonable hours, four blocks from home and two blocks from our kids' school/child care center. But there's still a missing piece of the puzzle. My husband still has a high-pressure, work-til-you-drop corporate job with zero flexibility.
As we juggle schedule changes related to summer vacation and those inevitable sick days, I find myself thinking that we both need to take a step back - maybe two less ambitious careers can co-exist instead of him getting to have it all while I put my goals on ice. While it is humbling to work for a modest salary, I keep reminding myself that I'm getting paid by walking calmly to pick my kids up from school, and that sanity is priceless.
It's a work in progress, but I'm hopeful that it can be done.
posted by : Abby Sandel on 5/13/2009 at 11:19 PM Flag For Abuse
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Great article. I feel the same as most posters about stepping away from work and the joys and regrets that come with that "choice." But I do think about what I would tell a daughter (I have a son) about how to think about work, school, and her own ambitions in the future, considering my situation....
posted by : momtoh on 5/18/2009 at 7:09 AM Flag For Abuse
