feedback for "Presents, Please"

1. We didn't have a "no gifts" party for our four-year-old's recent birthday, but I kind of wish we had (although I doubt the grandparents would have complied). The reason is that she didn't really care about the presents--she was just excited that all of her aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents were coming over to see her; that she got to wear her favorite dress; that there were Dora balloons; and that Mommy made a cake with a rainbow, per her specifications. When it came time to open presents, she was interested for about 2 of them, and then she just wanted to go back to playing Nerf basketball with her cousins. So to me, it felt like the presents only served to add to the ginormous pile of toys that we already have.   She'll probably start digging on the present concept more when she gets older, but for now, I'm going to appreciate the fact that her favorite present was her party.

   posted by : chyna823 on 10/29/2007 at 10:49 AM Flag For Abuse

2. My six-year old has recently been invited to b-day parties at which there is a gift exchange.  Each child brings a wrapped present and all the kids draw lots to see who gets matched with whom.  And everyone goes home with a new toy.  I admired the birthday-boys/girls for their fortitude and their sharing capabilities.  We haven't gone that route and I will admit the only reason that appeals to me is because it means less clutter in OUR house (and more in everyone else's!!)  We have asked the grandparents to forgo toys, etc. now that our older two are well into school-age.  Last Christmas we were surprised and delighted with family ticket package to the local NBA game (very generous - about $200 in value for decent seats and refreshments.)  The gift took up no room, except a little space in the a desk drawer until we cashed it in, and was very fun for the whole family.  For our oldest we are moving into years where a party is not really what he wants - taking three or four buddies to a baseball game or having a movie night/sleepover is more his speed.  Inviting only a few pals, who generally have to spend their own allowance on b-day gifts, the presents are manageable - a pack of baseball cards or a cap or a small lego kit.  So, to toddler parents, I believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel!!

   posted by : BBBGMOM on 10/29/2007 at 11:08 AM Flag For Abuse

3. I'm one of those "no present, just your presence" punners (puns are so weak! I must stop!), but your essay is thought-provoking, and I especially found your last point -- on learning graciousness through thanking friends for unwanted presents -- very well made. My tot is 3 and I was glad to keep the presents at bay this year but I know it can't, and probably shouldn't, last forever.
   As for the charity thing I have always found that rather high-handed and missing the point. I don't like making a kid's birthday into an occasion to be morally impeccable -- or to tell other parents what to do with their bucks -- is very appealing.
   
   Thanks for showing the flip side to this trend, in such a thoughtful manner.
   
   cheers!
   
   http://www.cookiemag.com/magazine/blogs/crabmommy
   
   

   posted by : crabmommy on 10/29/2007 at 1:06 PM Flag For Abuse

4. Although we had not been invited to a "no gifts" birthday party (yet!), for our son's birthday this year, we threw a "Happy Hippy Birthday" where we asked that invitees bring a gift that they bake, make or create.  Of course, the invitees were all family; I'm not so sure how this would work otherwise.... Our son received the most amazing gifts - a hand-made monkey pinata filled with lolly pops and fun little bath toys, beach balls that we all colored in with markers, a hand made memory board, a picture book with all of his cousins pictures (he has 13!), a cake with a big peace sign, etc. etc.  Some brought books, clothes. etc - but one of the most memorable things was the family tree dating back to the 1400's!!   We will definitely do something like this again!

   posted by : danidiva on 10/29/2007 at 1:56 PM Flag For Abuse

5. 
   I loved your post. I agree birthdays are special and kids have the right to be the center of attention.  I admit to trying the whole no present thing - no one elver listens. I also have completely ignored that request and brought a gift for kids because I simply adore them and want them to have a gift we bought for them.  I think most parents I know have given up on that practice by the 4th bday knowing it is a useless practice.
   
   One way we have dealt with the excess has been donating 1-2 toys to charity of my kids choice.  We also don't give hoards of candy out and have always given books away.  Though I have to say, while parents love it, I have had to endure the evil eye of 5 year old boys who are thoroughly disappointed in me for this heresy.  I've added small chocolate bars and fruit snacks to their goody bags for good measure/kharma:) and less grief. 
   
   On another note, my kids are 4 and 7. My older one is a boy and frankly, I hated the idea of having one more loud hotwheel playset in our house.  But he grew out of them and now his toys are more compact - pokemon cards, soccer balls and star wars action figures.  Whew! So I agree there is a light at the end of the tunnel on that front. 
   

   posted by : xiaolinmama on 10/29/2007 at 1:58 PM Flag For Abuse

6. The point is not to dictate other people's present buying, no matter how practical or noble the intentions (as she said, they usually ARE very practical and noble).  Anyway, this whole problem is a reaction to the problem of how gifts have morphed into a social debt, instead of being a GIFT freely given and thankfully received.  The fault there probably belongs to marketers pushing the idea of obligations and registries until everyone thinks it's always been that way. 
   

   posted by : Chiara on 10/29/2007 at 2:22 PM Flag For Abuse

7. 
   I tried to have a no-gift party when my daughter turned one a week ago.  It wasn't that I was trying to teach her anything - I can't even teach her not to eat carpet fuzzies at this age.  I was trying to think of my guests, though.  Most of my friends are struggling students or are trying to repay college loans or credit card debt.  I wanted them to come and enjoy the party and all of the food I had prepared, but I didn't want them to feel compelled to buy my daughter a present when she won't even remember this party.  Of course, several people brought presents anyway, and the people that didn't felt bad about it, which was what I was trying to avoid. 
   
   I think that having no-gift parties for younger children is fine.  My daughter was intrigued with the first present, but after that all she wanted to do was run up and down the hallways and try to eat the balloons we thought were out of reach.  As she gets older I have no problem with my guests bringing presents or not.  I have a feeling that as she gets older her "aunts" and "uncles" will increasingly have the means to get her a present.  As it is now, they can hardly pay their respective rents. 
   

   posted by : mags on 10/29/2007 at 3:48 PM Flag For Abuse

8. I agree, I don't think the No-gift party really accomplishes it's goal at any rate. I think it is more important for children (everyone) to feel special occationally and to learn how to deal with that feeling as well as how to be gracious. After the party, say a week later, why not go through the child's toys/room with them and donate the toys/cloths/etc that isn't needed or wanted anymore and donate those to the appropriate places and give away things to special people in the child's life that might appreciate them... eg give away the old baby doll to a friend's little sister. Or the box of little cars to the 5yr old down the street....

   posted by : rikkicarey on 10/29/2007 at 3:49 PM Flag For Abuse

9. I agree that birthdays are that one special time when your kid can get gifts and be a bit greedy. Well, okay, Christmas/Hanukah, too.  Not that that means it can't also be a learning experience about being a good hostess.
   
   Sometimes I think that on some occasions when people put "no gifts, please" on the invitation there is a tacit assumption that everyone will bring a gift anyway. That way the host gets to look non-materialistic knowing there is an understanding that it isn't really true. But I also know people who genuinely don't want more gifts and it is frustrating not to be believed when you say so. And I would also feel bad for friends who take me at my word and don't bring a gift who feel embarrassed when other people do. If I put "no gifts" I would mean it and would definitely not hold it against someone who did as I asked.
   
   

   posted by : LouisaAnderson on 10/29/2007 at 9:58 PM Flag For Abuse

10. My son just turned 5 and had a huge blow-out of a party.  Besides realatives and friends of mine and my husbands (most of whom are child-free), all of my son's playgroup friends were there.  All 18 of them.  Several years ago, faced with the prospect of a house full of plastic junk as well as having to buy 18 birthday presents every year, the playgroup moms all agreed to opt out.  The kids make eachother cards or pictures if they want to give something.  And my son still got a mountain of presents from the non-playgroup guests.  While this set-up won't work for everyone, for us, it was the best of both worlds. 

    posted by : trieber on 10/30/2007 at 5:01 PM Flag For Abuse

11. I loved this article.  I LOVE buying presents for other people, so I was actually disappointed when I got invited to a "no presents" birthday party for a little girl this past summer.   I'm like the six year old in the article.  I always want people to open my present when I'm there! For some reason, I felt guilty for NOT having a "no presents" birthday party for my one year old this past summer.   I also love GETTING presents, and when you have a one year old, let's face it, those presents are really for us!  Does this make me too materialistic?  I don't think so.
    
    
    

    posted by : tiffer on 10/30/2007 at 8:44 PM Flag For Abuse

12. I totally agree with Chiara -- the point is to not dictate others' gift-buying actions.  I think it's impolite to even mention gifts (even in the context of no-gifts) on a party invite.  A party invite is to invite someone to a party.  If they want to bring a gift, that's their business; it's not why you're having the party, and hopefully they know that, but if they feel moved to bring a gift, then it's not up to you to tell them they shouldn't.

    posted by : cotopaxi on 11/1/2007 at 10:43 PM Flag For Abuse

13. Ha! I'm coming to this article 6 months late!
    
    I love birthdays and birthday presents. (I love Christmas, but hate Christmas presents, but that's something else.) We have an unpleasant side-effect of a pleasant situation, though. We have a very tight, and fairly big, circle of friends. This means that we tend to have biggish birthday parties. If a party was 4 kids and 2 uncles or something, gifts would be lovely. When a party gets big, though, it gets completely out of hand.
    
    We love the parties. Our kids' birthdays are a fun and valuable community get-together. In fact, that makes me feel not-so-bad about spending money on the kids' parties. After all, we'd spend plenty on booze and munchies for an adult party.
    
    So, big party good. Oodles of gifts bad. A "no gift" policy seems the only reasonable way to handle it. I know that some folks observe the policy although they hate it. Some ignore it and bring gifts (but then at least there aren't too many). It's not a good solution, but it seems like the best.

    posted by : Zog on 5/31/2008 at 5:04 AM Flag For Abuse

14. I observed not mentioning anything about gifts on the invitation until my older son made a blunder and revealed that we donate all gifts given to them at parties to charity. Needless to say, this didn't go over well with a few guests. One, an older aunt of mine, so much as said that if she had known, she wouldn't have bothered. Since then, we have put "your gift is your presence" on the invitations and it has made everything much smoother. For one, we can skip the gift opening (which I always abhored, even at other's parties), and two, our guests now truly know that when we say "no gifts, please" we really mean it!

    posted by : Logos on 7/12/2008 at 7:35 PM Flag For Abuse

15. I think the "no gift" trend is all about the parents, not the children. They either don't want to deal with items they don't care about and see as only taking up space, or they think it will somehow enhance their own image. Do any of these parents remember how much fun it was to open birthday presents themselves?

    posted by : Amanda B on 11/16/2008 at 8:12 PM Flag For Abuse

16. Personally, if I had of received an invitation with "no gifts, please" on it and then arrived seeing gifts, I would have quietly approached the parents and explained I was following their request. I certainly wouldn't have been embarrassed. If they truly didn't mean it, they shouldn't have put it on an invitation.
    
    On another note, I have observed children who get many gifts at parties make comments to the effect of: Oh, I didn't get as many as last year. Or, They weren't as big as last year's. Quite frankly, I think it's terrible children expect more and bigger as each year goes by.
    
    @ cotopaxi and Chiara And if I were to chose that my children didn't receive so many gifts, it is my choice and would expect others to respect my wishes for my children. I certainly would respect theirs for their children.

    posted by : babyowl on 1/30/2009 at 10:15 AM Flag For Abuse