feedback for "Bad Parent: Game Over"

1. I feel your pain.  I am frankly relieved that my two eldest children have reached an age at which they are very capable of amusing themselves and/or each other.  Sure I got down and played trains and CandyLand and all the rest when they were tots, but I didn't often enjoy it.  My daughter is entering her "Mommy, play with me!" phase, but my boys are very helpful & she prefers them anyway.  I think a lot of my lack of desire was due to the many other things that needed to get done.  And, when everything got done, I wanted to read a book!  Much has been written in recent years about how adults traditionally did not play with their kids (Anna Quindlen wrote a great piece about "benign neglect" - her mother was a wonderful, loving mom, but never played with the kids ... she shooed them outside or to other places and made supper for them later.)  I do stop my chores (or my reading) to admire completed Lego creations or massive watercolors or completed crossword puzzles.  I have an ear cocked to the family room to address technical difficulties of various stripes.  I figure it's basically good enough that I am "around" the kids if not constantly engaged with them.  Oddly (since I have in many ways been a very conventional girl/woman my entire life) I get a huge kick out of playing outside with my kids - throwing the football, pitching baseballs, sledding... maybe because those things seem productive - not sure why my inner-quarterback is surfacing at almost 40!

   posted by : BBBGMOM on 12/27/2007 at 12:59 PM Flag For Abuse

2. I'm curious how parents of only-children handle it...  I am a single mom, and my child has no siblings.
   
   It's getting a little ridiculous, the way my daughter shrieks in delight when my sister's dog comes over for a "play date." My daughter screams, "Cousin Lola!" She's THAT eager to have a playmate... I'm often burnt out, too.
   
   Of course, she has a lot of friends over, but it's not the same. She wants Mommy to play with her. All Weekend Long. I completely get the "working from home/playing at home" 24-7 dilemma.
   

   posted by : SingleMomSeeking on 12/27/2007 at 3:30 PM Flag For Abuse

3. I understand how you feel but i would say this.  Did you ever think that playing with the kids wasn't just good for them but good for you?   We can get so serious as adults and lose our playful side.  I had just such a moment with my kids and didn't really want to play but then I got a flash of inspiration to make a little movie with my kids and next thing you know I have discovered a hidden film maker inside me that I had totally forgotten about.  So I can definitely say that playing with my kids was one of the keys to me rediscovering my true passion.  Can you imagine how dull and dreary the world would be if we didn't have real fun playing. Kids are great for that.  Now there are boundaries and we should make time for ourselves and we don't have to play with them all the time.  But I think they are little joy generators and help us stay in touch with that joyful playful aspect of living.  And as for those other cultures that don't play with their kids and think we are strange .  Well they don't seem to be as creative now do they.  Creativity is so incredibly important. My first daughter who we played with a lot is now a creative dynamo and I attribute some of that to our playtime together.  Now she plays with her siblings and at first I felt guilty that I didn't give them the playtime I gave her but now I don't feel so bad.  But I do see my lack of playing with them as a barometer of my inspirational/creative health. 
   
   ~ Will
   What's your Dream?
   http://www.MyDreamPower.com
   
   

   posted by : spiritdancer on 12/27/2007 at 4:16 PM Flag For Abuse

4. I'm a stay-at-home Dad with twins so I've been able to avoid the whole issue. My kids play with each other so I can stave off household chaos. We've had a third child who's a toddler now. Have more kids!
   

   posted by : sconnolly on 12/27/2007 at 5:49 PM Flag For Abuse

5. Will - I admire your spirit and conviction.  I appreciate your perspective and shall keep it in mind as I ring in the new year.  I should just have fun!    One thing - just a tip for the writer wannabes - a game I fondly recall from childhood (perhaps starting late elementary school) is the one in which several people sit around a table and pass a lined sheet of paper - the first person writes a few lines to start a story and folds it up so the second person can only see the last few words.  The second person adds to the line and so on.  What emerges is often a hilarious mad-lib type of creation.  I have done an oral version w/ my sons in the car and it is damn funny to see what gets concocted ,even without the benefit of hidden lines (which are what make the written version so awesome.)  Thank you, again, Will for your inspiring words.

   posted by : BBBGMOM on 12/27/2007 at 8:09 PM Flag For Abuse

6. Yes, Will-   Thank you so much for that ray of sunshine in my day.Truly, I've been enlightenend to the fact that my life will be so much "less than" and passion-less if I don't roll around on the kitchen floor with them! Oh yes- and those other countries where parents don't play with their children? Less creative? That's quite a judgement call. Have you spent time with those other cultures? Are their children really so much more deprived than ours? That's quite an elitist mindset, no?   Personally, I believe the danger to children's creativity lies in contrived play- video games, repeated use of the internet, constant control over children's lives exerted by their parents. I see fewer kids today making up games, playing make-believe, etc. I also don't believe that parents need to be told that they need to take advantage of their little "joy generators" any more than they already do! Try telling my mom that she was unhappy taking care of 4 children and running a household. She will still tell you (at 65) that she had the life she wanted and her dreams came true. And that happened without her becoming one of us- which seems to be the growing trend in this country. Dress like the kids, act like the kids- be one of the kids.   Quick! Get back to playing with your kids before your "health" really deteriorates!

   posted by : mommified on 12/28/2007 at 7:21 AM Flag For Abuse

7. Oh, I'm with you. So with you.
   
   I have read to my kids for millions of hours, but I've got too much to do to AND I'm bored to tears by fantasy games. And run-around games. The upside of this is now that my kids are 6 and 9, they're amazingly good at entertaining themselves. Hallelujah!
   
   

   posted by : EdgyMama on 12/28/2007 at 8:14 AM Flag For Abuse

8. That's one of the reasons I sometimes wish I had more than one - so I could yell "please, go play with your brother!".  Right now Mommy & Daddy are the sole sources of companionship most of the time and it is definitely wearing.  Sure, I like a puzzle or a book or blocks (love blocks), but sometimes I just want to do grown-up stuff.  Or I have to do grown-up stuff.  I always feel like a jerk for saying "no, mommy's too busy", because I work full-time, so I'm gone all day, and shouldn't we be enjoying this precious time together, etc. etc.?  But, really, when we snuggle up for storytime, when we're in the car teasing each other and telling bad jokes, when I'm chopping onions and he's coloring next to me, aren't those times good, too?  I try to tell myself that but I always feel like I'm lacking.  Thanks for reminding me that other parents feel the same way - and that I played alone tons as a kid and am all the better for it.

   posted by : superblondgirl on 12/28/2007 at 10:40 AM Flag For Abuse

9. Thank God. I am a teacher, so I have part of the summer off (I teach summer school for 8 weeks), and I swear to God I thought I was going to go insane being at home with my 3 year old. I don't know how SAHMs do it. My daughter has been in daycare since she was 3 mos. old, and she's got good social skills--she just doesn't do well by herself, and wants me to entertain her. Constantly. And I have been feeling horrible and guilty and like the world's shittiest mother because I am relieved when she goes back to school--I mean, I'm supposed to be enjoying this, right? Thank you for making me feel less alone.
   

   posted by : katydidmama on 12/28/2007 at 11:10 AM Flag For Abuse

10. Ok, well apparently the above posters will mostly think I'm destroying my child's life, but I actually enjoy playing with him. It's just fun. I let him dictate what we're doing and how long we play and what we play, so I doubt I'm stifling his creativity, and certainly when he's busy with other kids I don't make him play with me, but I really enjoy it when he wants to include me in his games. I guess you'll hate me for this, but I agree with Will, many adults I meet are so self conscious and so concerned with being a grown-up all the time. It's not that they find the playing boring (which is what this crowd seems to find, and which is different) but that they're too embarrassed to let go and be goofy. Of course, I hang out with all theatre practioners, so it's a fair wager that since our business is unrestrained goofiness I'm used to a different environment. Anyway, I totally commiserate that it is very hard to get time for one's self when you're a parent, but I hope I never grow to find his games tedious. The best part of being a parent for me is seeing him explore the world and use his imagination to interpret things and it is a joy to me to be included in that.  

    posted by : mcglory13 on 12/29/2007 at 9:39 PM Flag For Abuse

11. Ooh, lovely piece! Crabmommy adores nothing more than a study in which I am encouraged to use that phrase my mother so often used on me: "Run along and play, darling!" Occasionally, I enjoy the odd tot game but like the author here I mostly feel fidgety and duty-bound to pretend to have a high old time making mice out of Playdoh. As for anyone threatened/defensive by the piece, really aren't you missing the point? To my mind, it's about learning to take things slightly less seriously -- and that includes the seriousness with which we all are meant to feel regarding playing with our kids. I mean, really, how ironic -- yet true -- is it that we take "playing" so very gravely in our hyper-attentive parenting culture? It's so often a crashing bore for some of us...yet we are all meant to enjoy it or at least simulate enjoyment thereof. Refreshing, then, to read something which takes a lighter tone and lets those of us who suck at joy-filled tot-play to feel less guilty leaving the tots to their trucks and tea-sets while we check our email instead! Certainly I'm  happy to take a Time Out in this regard and since I recently took my tot swimming in sewage (crabmommy.blogspot.com for the so-inclined), I think my child's better off not playing with Mommy at all!
    

    posted by : crabmommy on 1/1/2008 at 6:45 AM Flag For Abuse

12. I have read a number of articles lately from moms lamenting about how much they hate the things they "have" to do now because they're parents.  Well boo-hoo - guess what sweeties?  It's not for you and it's not about you.  Having just spent the Christmas holidays in the hospital with my youngest hooked up to IV and his first year trying to help him be comfortable and not scratch himself to pieces, I now relish every playful, child-centred moment with both my kids.  Is it tedious sometimes?  does the housework and my job suffer?  Absolutely, but my kid made it home alive and he's now on the road to recovery so who cares that I have to sing 3 little monkeys for the 3,952nd time?  And, yes, I give my baby unclicked pens to play with and medicine bottles that have child-proof lids to shake - whatever gives him a little pleasure.  And I cleared out my cupboards because he likes to crawl through them, and I'm constantly tripping over tupperware all over the kitchen, and if I have to remove one more hotwheels car from the dinner table I may lose my mind, but my kids are here, alive and well and I know that there are so many women out there desperate to have the trials and tribulations we get to complain about and the parents pacing the hospital floors with sick infants, and people with children with disabilities who wish they had to chase after a newly mobile baby - so count your blessings - as messy, repetitive and mind-numbing as they may be and remember, there but by the grace of God...

    posted by : Lisaloo on 1/4/2008 at 3:06 PM Flag For Abuse

13. Lisaloo, you are quite right to say we need to count our blessings and that all it takes is a real tragedy for us to realize that we take our happiness for granted. That said, daily life isn't full of tragic circumstances that bring out the better sides of us all. Daily life for the lucky parent of a healthy child is full of mundane moments. And I think it's okay for parents to express their frustration/boredom with the tricky parts of the job, in a forum such as this one. I think what the writer is saying and doing is a positive and refreshing thing: being up front and honest about how she really feels about playing tea-party with a toddler. If we parents can't be candid with each other and have a chuckle over these ultimately quite light-hearted complaints, then what do we do? We bottle them up and find ourselves feeling resentful or over-taxed, taking far too seriously that which really isn't serious at all. I'm not sure that being a loving parent necessitates a complete and slavish devotion to one's children's every waking moment of play. Does being a parent mean one's own needs and thoughts should be completely sublimated in favor of the child's enjoyment and happiness? Some people think so; I don't. I will always ask my 3-yr-old for  a bit of "grownups' time." And while I may pretend to enjoy bedtime stories with my tot, I'm grateful that I can blog about how much I enjoy it when my sweet pumpkin is too tired for a second round of Madeline. How right you are to point out that, were my child ever in any jeopardy, I would forget my own selfish thoughts in a nanosecond. But it's a sad fact of existence --well, mine anyway -- that one is imperfectly suited to a "perfect" life. And since guilt is such a constant part of parenthood, I think it's so great when someone else shows her imperfect side too.
    So glad your little one is home safe. And thank you for reminding us of the flip-side to the "problem" of parental boredom.
    

    posted by : crabmommy on 1/8/2008 at 7:29 AM Flag For Abuse

14. I think the point of these books about play is missed.
    
    The idea is that parking the kid in front of a screen or an electronic toy for hours on end is not as good as interaction with a loved one.
    
    The point is that kids learn primarily through "play."
    
    A lot of parents are at a loss about how to play with their kids (since we don't have extended families and close-knit neighborhoods)...so these books provide suggestions.
    
    The point, however, is NOT for mom or dad to entertain a kid 24/7 with structured, elaborate games.
    
    If the kid is off happily playing alone or with other children (siblings or friends), then let the kid be.
    
    That sort of play is also beneficial, mentally, socially, psychologically, emotionally, etc.

    posted by : CaliMama on 6/9/2008 at 2:07 PM Flag For Abuse

15. This is a really sad thing to read. Ok, I am far from the perfect parent when it comes to mother/child interaction. I will blog while my child plays by herself (something she has always enjoyed) or watches TV or plays with other members of our family. Knowing my computer addiction, I make an effort to play with her and I enjoy it. I take her to the park, blow bubbles with her, read her books, play with her blocks. I look forward to when she gets older so we can play other games, have real tea parties, play with legos etc. Playing with my daughter is the best thing about having a child.

    posted by : dhsredhead on 7/11/2008 at 5:53 PM Flag For Abuse

16. I think you have to find things you enjoy doing with your child (reading books, drawing, legos are some of mine) and skip the stuff you find annoying (playing army men, blowing stuff up).  As long as you spend a bit of time each day engaged with your child, it doesn't matter what you do.   They just need the intimacy of you interacting with them.  I only have 2 children, so I'm not sure how this works if you have more, or a more demanding job, or less helpful spouse.
    
    
    

    posted by : not so bad mommy on 3/4/2009 at 12:39 PM Flag For Abuse