feedback for "Bad Parent: Smack"

1. Feel for you, man. Like you I have tried it and concluded it doesn't work but then...we try it again later down the road when, ahem, all else has failed and we are losing our minds to this child. I'm a  combo spanker/non-spanker; sorta like a no-smoker who occasionally has a Marlboro Light at parties. As in, a spankocrite. Which is to say that consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds. Or so I tell myself. Sometimes, you know, you just gotta spank that bottom! And sometimes it kind of feels like it works. And sometimes it kind of doesn't. And always when you write about it (as I did at my blog Crabmommy ["Spank My Baby One More Time"]) some parent will tell you that spanking is wrong or doesn't work or should never be attempted or should be made illegal. And that just makes me want to spank them all.
   
   The jury, for me, will always be out on whether spanking works or doesn't. This month? Maybe a spank seems suddenly to quash the worst longest tantrum of all time, without seeming in any way to humiliate or disturb the tantrumite herself. Next month? Maybe I'm on a no-spank kick, feeling it's too much for an already tense and intense family. But may s/he who doesn't have one crabby spankee such as your Jillian or my Crabtot refrain from judging the spanker, I say! On that I do feel quite strongly!
   
   Good luck on the restraint!!
   

   posted by : crabmommy on 1/3/2008 at 6:30 AM Flag For Abuse

2. I hear your pain. Recently a friend recommended this book to me:
   "Your three-year-old : friend or enemy" by Louise Bates Ames
   

   posted by : jackiebp on 1/3/2008 at 12:17 PM Flag For Abuse

3. As one who was spanked only a few times, I vividly remember those times. And this is 40 years later.
   Spanking works best for me when it is not done spur of the moment, but rather after I have calmed down from getting really steamed. This puts control back into it for me, and prevents (okay, sometimes prevents) me from doing any real dangerous work on my sons. And instead of frustration , if I elicit the occasional laugh, it's easy to repeat a bit harder when you have control.
   My 9 yo twins still get the occasional spanking, but the 11 yo knows the limits and respects them.
   Good luck with whatever you decide to do, but if spanking it is, make it work and make it an attention getter, or else it will fail miserably.
   
   

   posted by : OldParrothead on 1/3/2008 at 2:09 PM Flag For Abuse

4. Hm.  The author says that when a child hits you you react just as if some adult jerk did the same, "you tense up," etc.  Uh.  No.  Can't say I've ever had that reaction to being hit by a child.  Is it a male instinct hardwired thing?  Anyway, I am of the no spanking camp.  For the predictable reasons - not wanting to model physical violence.  Not wanting to commit physical violence unto my offspring.  Etc. Etc.  But I am a little freaked by the description of the three year old in this article.  What is at the root of her lashing out - her destructiveness?  So I can say I am anti-spanking, but honestly I've never been confronted with that level of out-of-control physical behavior.  So I won't knock it until I've been there.  But I do wonder about the kid's issues... sounds like she might benefit from testing of some kind to see if there's a sensory disorder or other looming "thing" that sparks outbursts to that extent.  My middle child is by far the most "difficult" and what has worked in his case is being hugged very tight (no, not to smothering, but I guess you could call it restraining.)  It reduces his shaking rage and helps him settle and focus. 

   posted by : BBBGMOM on 1/3/2008 at 3:26 PM Flag For Abuse

5. Funny your post should be accompanied by a photo of a child sticking her tongue out. The one and only time I spanked my son, now 9, was when he stuck his tongue out at me. When he was 6 or so, we took a family to our neighborhood swimming pool, and the four sons in that family were really acting up. I asked my son something and he responded by sticking his tongue out at me. There was no way I was going to be disrespected like that! Calmly, I asked him to get out of the pool and accompany me in the womens' locker room. Luckily no one was in there and I gave him a spank. I've never had to spank him since. All kids are different but it left quite an impression on him, probably because I hadn't ever spanked him before that incident.

   posted by : susanstuff on 1/3/2008 at 3:28 PM Flag For Abuse

6. i distinctly remember doing the same thing...as a child, to my father.  i was a little older though (i'd guess  6 or 8).  they'd never spanked me.  one day, my dad was so angry he told me to put out my hand he smacked the back of my hand.  out of respect for what he was trying to accomplish, i didn't actually laugh.  but boy was i giggling in my head. 
   
   obviously, i out grew it.  she will too.  and, even better, now you know spanking isn't even an option so you're free to try the next thing on the "parent's list of ways to discipline hitting."
   
   good luck!
   
   

   posted by : serahrose on 1/3/2008 at 3:35 PM Flag For Abuse

7. I'm a non-spanker married to a spanker, but our older son was malleable enough that it was never necessary (although I'll confess to picking him up and carrying him away more roughly than mere transportation warranted).  We've got a little one now and I'll have to wait and see.  I don't really believe in spanking, but I can see using it for Defcon 1 offenses (running into the road for example).
   
   However... if your description of your little girl isn't a rank exaggeration, you guys have got to find *something* that works, because man, that kid sounds like a difficult person. 
   
   

   posted by : diera on 1/3/2008 at 4:59 PM Flag For Abuse

8. I got the laugh from my son when he was a little over a year old.  He wasn't spanked, but reprimanded.  It didn't stop me.  Like the urge to knock someone on their ass when you are hit, I get the urge to assert my power when my authority is laughed at.  The motto in this house is:  This is no democracy.   All I can say is that it takes time.  I think you need to get to the bottom of why she is acting out.  It could be as simple as she is 3 yrs old.  My son went through a very destructive phrase and it seems to have pass, now.  I can't tell if it was because he was told to clean up with me standing over her everytime or it was because he just passed a phrase, but I am happy it is over.    I do know that, if one of my children was destroying their room in the wee hours of the night they would be back in a crib and everything taken away.  Trust me, you may think she is ONLY 3 yrs old, but she will get it.  The problem most parents have is that they don't see it through.  They start to give in after a day or two.  My kids know that when I say something it will be done.  Their father, on the other hand, not so much.

   posted by : Wendy on 1/3/2008 at 8:05 PM Flag For Abuse

9. Thank  you for this article! I couldn't help but laugh out loud while I was reading it, and it made me feel infinitely better that mine is not the only demon-spawn-three-year-old out there. Some parents just get really easy kids, and they think it's because of something they, themselves, have done to make the children that way. We of the more "spirited" set of offspring know that these kids come out of the womb with little fists set to spar. On our good days, I love my son's spunky energy; his ability to laugh at the world of men. On our bad days, I have to lock myself in the bathroom and restrain the urge to pull his hair and give him a snakebite. So far, I've been able to stave off the spankings, and I do plan to hold out on that because my belief in my own rationality is, sometimes, the only thing I have over my son, but man oh man, do I understand the impulse.

   posted by : sarahtk on 1/5/2008 at 3:21 PM Flag For Abuse

10. We save the spanking for the really egregriously bad behavior (which for us is luckily almost never). We went through a phase about 6 mos. ago with our 3 1/2 yo daughter where nothing worked, including swats on the bottom, and my temper was threatening to overwhelm me. Finally, one day, I gave her a choice of 2 things when she asked for a snack, and when she threw a fit when I wouldn't give her cookies (not a choice), I gave her two choices: Calm down and apologize, and try again, or go in her room. She refused again. She was given another choice: go in her room, or go in the corner. She continued to sit on the floor, screaming, so I picked her up and put her in the kitchen corner, and told her she couldn't leave until she calmed down and apologized to me. Two and a half hours later, she did just that. I had outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted her tantrum--and 6 months later, we have yet to relapse. Simply threatening to have her stand in the corner is enough to stop any nastiness cold. How did I do this? I had read the book "Try and Make Me" by Ray Levy when I was a daycamp counselor for the YMCA, before I'd had a child of my own; I dug it out of my home library, and followed some of Levy's advice (most of the case studies are much older kids--8-14) but the strategies worked. Good luck to you--I think that the "terrible twos" are misnamed, because my child was an angel until she turned 3, when she morphed into an unpredictable, unpleasant screaming she-demon. She's better now, which is good for all of us.

    posted by : katydidmama on 1/8/2008 at 2:31 PM Flag For Abuse

11. Butt smacking doesn't sting. A softer slap on a bare leg works better. And sometimes you've got to smack until they cry. I know this sounds harsh but you are no longer in control. You tried the nuclear option and she laughed in your face. You lost.

    posted by : Smack on 1/15/2008 at 10:27 AM Flag For Abuse

12. As a spanked child, I always was spanked repeatedly. One spank won't really do much. Its much better to take the child over the lap and spank repeatedly. Teaching to avoid the spank still modifies behavior, and that child sounds like a devil.

    posted by : anonymous on 1/15/2008 at 11:04 PM Flag For Abuse

13. Woooooowwwww.
    I have 5 kids..all of them past the age of 6 now. Non of them acted like that.
    My sisters and brothers kids never acted that way either.Wooooooowwwww.
    
    Time to put your foot down and quick!

    posted by : xxrickiexx on 1/17/2008 at 2:29 PM Flag For Abuse

14. You must be a freakin' idiot!  It's because of you that kids are the way they are.  We have people coming into our office every day with kids that jump off the chairs, run around to the back of the desks, crawl around on the floor sprinkling the carpet with thier cracker crumbs and the parents just sit there DOING NOTHING!  The reason your daughter is so out of control is because you never spanked her. Good luck when she's 16 and totals your car.

    posted by : nsnas on 1/19/2008 at 9:34 AM Flag For Abuse

15. You only gave her one swat?? Should have made it about 8.
    
    Take a grip and let her have it!

    posted by : TigerGulp on 5/9/2008 at 1:17 PM Flag For Abuse

16. Of all the "Bad Parent" stories I've read here -- "I let my kid watch six hours of TV a day", "I smoke pot because I can't stand him", "I'm passing my eating disorder onto my daughter" -- nothing has horrified me NEARLY as much as this essay. And certainly not for a little swat on the fanny, either. This child is an out-of-control monster, and her parents are doing nothing about it. If this my one my children, she would be in intensive therapy. You honestly think this is a normal stage of childhood development? Hitting, kicking, spitting, destroying property, attacking strangers? Are you for real?

    posted by : ParentofThree on 7/16/2008 at 9:36 PM Flag For Abuse

17. These kind of problems with a 3 years old are quite easy to handle once you have had a parenting workshop.  And no, you can't solve it with spanking - nor time out or any punishment for that matter.  (Not that solving it with punishment is desirable even when it "works", considering the major side effects it has on the parent-child relationships and on a child's self esteem).
    
    The solution lies in switching gear from the confrontation mode to the listening mode. 
    Stop the threats,  take a deep breath until you feel calm again.  Then, lower yourself until you are at your child's height.  Lock your eyes into her eyes,  make a warm smile, nod a little, touch her lightly and say something loving and tender that she can relate to, such as: "Hey, I see you are quite upset...".  All of this is called "collecting the child", it allows the connection to be restored and draws the child's attention to the parent, better than any punishment, yelling or spanking will ever do.   Once the parent has the child's full attention, you can now start what child counselors name "active listening".   Try to identify the problem, how she feels, the emotion that she feels, and name it: "You seem REALLY angry right now.  ".  As she respond, reflect back the emotion she might be feeling.  If she hits you more, continue: "You are THAT mad? Here, take this pillow and show me how mad you are on it."  (or give her a pen and pad and tell her: "Show me on this paper how MAD you are at me.").  This gives the child other ways to diffuse her anger and it teaches her to use words and communicate in other ways than hitting.  There is no point lecturing her until she can hear you, and she cannot hear you until she feels YOU heard her.
    
    Continue doing this until she calms down.  Then continue reflecting back her communication. Now the goal is to go fishing for the root of the problem.  She might say: "I don't want to go to kindergarten!"  then you reflect it back, but you try to guess what it really means for her: "You REALLY don't like to go away from me and mom, do you?" and she will correct if you didn't hit the spot. You will know when you have found the root cause, because she will be really relieved, will cry or hug you, or will be really demonstrative.  Now you know the WHY.    The next step is to address the why. Explain why.  Reassure her.  Find creative ways to address her underlying need.
    
    Finally, the fourth and last step is to teach her about the hitting.  You can only do this now that she is calm and that her root problem was addressed.  "You know honey, you did hurt me earlier.. it's not very nice.  I understand why you did it. But next time, instead, try to TELL me okay?" (and proceed with teaching words for emotions: this should be done with little games everyday, such as showing her cartoon faces with different emotions and asking her to name them).
    
    Learn more on my parenting portal, on www.parentastic.org
    Good luck!
    ConsciousSoul
    

    posted by : ConsciousSoul on 5/2/2009 at 10:09 AM Flag For Abuse

18. This is absolutely ridiculous.  You have let your child think she is control of the house.  It is time you take charge.  Step up and be a parent!  If you think this kind of behavior is ok, you are being foolish.  Let me tell you, I am a two year old teacher for private child care.  I've seen what happens when parent's let their children behave like this and don't do anything to correct it.  The kids that are allowed to throw tantrums and behave irrationally in the two year old room still do it in kindergarten.  If you are unable to make the necessary changes in your family by yourself, I suggest family counseling.  This behavior, even from a three year old, should have been a wake up call.  You don't have to spank, but you do need to set up a system that will clearly let her know that what she is doing is wrong. 
    
    People don't give young children enough credit in my opinion.  Your daughter is old enough to know the difference between right and wrong.  She is smarter than you think she is.  The laugh verifies that.  
    
    
    
    
    

    posted by : Two year old teacher on 5/2/2009 at 4:09 PM Flag For Abuse

19. Sounds to me like you have trained this child to misbehave to get attention. As the parent of two and the grandmother of one year old and three year old boys - I have had an observers view of what happens to a toddler when their home is invaded by a new much love baby - You definitely should be focussing on her when she is not playing up,and before she srats playing up - you've got a lot of work to do to undo this!

    posted by : zesty on 7/17/2009 at 7:55 PM Flag For Abuse