feedback for "Bad Parent: Playing Favorites"
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Is it bad that my only strong reaction to this piece was horror that you let your 3 year old have Frappuccinos?
posted by : hamsterkid on 1/24/2008 at 10:48 AM Flag For Abuse
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hamsterkid, I agree! I thought the rest seemed pretty normal and hardly worth the angst. The frappucino, though, will haunt me.
posted by : leebs on 1/24/2008 at 2:21 PM Flag For Abuse
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My Mother likes my older sister more and I totally resent both of them for it. They talk about me behind my back and are more like high school "best friends" than mother-daughter which leaves me unable to confide in either of them.
I adore both of my children and recognize that they are very different people. I hope I never make one feel less appreciated or liked less than the other. I will agree that my daughter who is most like me personality-wise does grate on my nerves faster than my son but I just have to keep reminding myself...it's in her genes to be the way she is and love both my children unconditionally.
Also, frappaccinos at three is a bit disturbing.
posted by : paintitall on 1/24/2008 at 2:49 PM Flag For Abuse
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I couldn't pass this up. My son will be 3 in two weeks and his name is Declan! I absolutely love the name, but more people than not have never heard of it.
Anyway, nice article. I always felt that I was my mother's favorite and I continue to feel very guilty about it. I would like to say that my siblings don't know, but its hard to hide anything from family members.
posted by : MsSwarr on 1/24/2008 at 3:00 PM Flag For Abuse
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Not coffee Frappuccinos, strawberry! It's basically a strawberry milkshake. Is that so horrible?
posted by : Keri Fisher on 1/24/2008 at 3:08 PM Flag For Abuse
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If it's not coffee it's not a "frappuccino" (ugh). It's a strawberry frappe. And that is fine.
posted by : YeahNo on 1/24/2008 at 3:15 PM Flag For Abuse
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I love your comment from the smart mother: "I will always love you both totally equally. But from time to time, I like one of you better than the other." So true. And honest. I also like the phrase Gayle King uses to talk about her two kids: "My favorite son Will" and "My favorite daughter Kirby." Unfortunately that only works when you have two kids, a boy and a girl.
posted by : MomathonBlog on 1/24/2008 at 3:30 PM Flag For Abuse
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They have all those beverages listed under the heading "Frappuccino" on the menu board. I totally get what she's saying. And even if the kid had a sip of what basically amounts to a coffee-flavored milkshake? I gotta say, it's not really registering on my outrage-o-meter.
posted by : MomToZoe on 1/24/2008 at 4:11 PM Flag For Abuse
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My husband's mother always showed a clear preference for one son (and often still does) and the other two resent it a great deal. It's also caused decades of animosity between him and the other two, and even sometimes their dad. I understand that you may "like" one child more than the others, but I think you need to be very, very careful about not making that obvious to your other children.
posted by : me on 1/24/2008 at 6:58 PM Flag For Abuse
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Those strawberry frappucinos have a million calories, but they're pretty tasty and I don't see any problem with a kid having a sip of one occasionally. The coffee flavored ones, on the other hand, used to be *the* most caffeinated drink Starbucks offered (they are made with double brewed dark Italian roast). It's still none of my business what anybody feeds their kid, but that would be a lot of caffeine.
posted by : mcglory13 on 1/25/2008 at 8:46 AM Flag For Abuse
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Seriously, is the freaking frappuccino the most interesting thing to discuss about this piece? Let it go, people.
posted by : Jen2 on 1/25/2008 at 10:45 AM Flag For Abuse
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Well, in my opinion frankly the frappucino bit is the most interesting bit. I only have one kid, so one favorite.
posted by : mcglory13 on 1/25/2008 at 2:09 PM Flag For Abuse
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It's funny, last week my son asked me who I loved better, him or his sister, but he said I wasn't allowed to answer "equal". What's a parent to do?? I said "sorry, sweety, but I love you both the same, but there are things that I love about you that I don't love about your sister and vice versa". Then I went on to tell him that it was like how he loves mommy and daddy the same. To which he answered, "but I love you more , mommy!"
posted by : stylekid on 1/25/2008 at 4:27 PM Flag For Abuse
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I guess sarcasm doesn't really come through that well in postings. No one really cares about the frappucino. Like most of the other Bad Parent series, there's not that much interesting here to discuss - it's all kind of silly stuff.
posted by : leebs on 1/25/2008 at 6:05 PM Flag For Abuse
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I have given all my kids sips of full freight mocha frappucinos before they hit Kindergarten.
Anyway. I think what is so disappointing about this piece is that, while the author predicts that she will be more closely bonded with one child, the kids are only babies, still. Of course the more verbal, coffee-drinking one is more palatable than the grunty one. What would be interesting (and way gutsier to publish) would be an account of a mom with her high school aged kids and how her favoritism has manifested itself. I think it's silly to even pretend to know when the oldest kid is only three.
posted by : BBBGMOM on 1/26/2008 at 9:34 PM Flag For Abuse
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Very interesting ... a lot of personality is genetically determined, and a lot of preference comes down to personality compatibility. One kid is likely to end up the most like you. And as the writer says, often parents have the hardest time with the child most like them (this has been true of my mother and brother).
Some taboos exist for good reason, and this is one of them -- though favorites are inevitable, favoritism isn't. It's good to talk about and be tuned into so we can counteract any inclination to give one child more love and attention than the others.
posted by : chattydaddy on 1/27/2008 at 12:38 PM Flag For Abuse
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I have two kids under 4 years old, and depending on the day, and how things are going, my feelings change. The preference never seems strong enough to feel that I like one more than the other, rather it's more about one child being especially funny, cute, smart, whatever or conversely more annoying. It seems odd to have a favorite when the development and complexity of children at such a young age is so drastically different.
To paraphrase the book Siblings without Rivalry: Kids don't buy the idea of a parent loving them equally. It's best for a parent to take the time to tell each kid what unique quality makes them special.
posted by : ljsherm on 1/27/2008 at 10:30 PM Flag For Abuse
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My 2 cents. It is terrible for everybody if a parent has a favorite child. It is bad for the other children and it is even bad for the favorite. I understand that a parent might identify with or understand one child more easily than another however it is the job of the parent to be the adult and find ways to connect and create a good bond with each child. Every relationship is personal. The relationship between a child and his or her mother is different and individual from the relationship the mother has with her other children. This is not a friendship relationship. The child cannot fish in another pond for another friend. This is it. This is the only parent you have. The child is a minor with a developing brain. The parent is an adult with a developed brain (brains don't fully develop for judgement until age 18) therefore it is the parents responsibility to protect all of their children from the devastating experience of favoritism. Afterall, it is a cruel genetic crapshoot that created the inherited nature of the individual child, and where did those genes come from? How dare a parent create a child and then another child and dare to feel more in tune with one and allow it to show. It is not the childs fault.
posted by : Willow on 2/4/2008 at 9:57 PM Flag For Abuse
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My mother used to talk about her "psychic connection" with my older brother, and how she mysteriously did not have the same bond with me, and it used to totally tick me off. Even if you buy the psychic connection thing, did she have to go on and on about it? OTOH, my father and I are baasically cut from the same cloth, and he and I used to sit around and read the same books and then argue about which was better -- and my brother was totally left out of that. I'm sure that didn't make him feel very good. I think both my parents could have done a better job parenting. My own twin boys are 10 mos old and to me, it's like having a litter of adorable kittens -- they are different but both totally fabulous! Perhaps I'll feel differently as they age but I wouldn't want to imagine life without either one of them.
posted by : Anon on 2/8/2008 at 3:20 AM Flag For Abuse
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I have seen the resentment that favoritism creates in families, it creates rifting, because kids or siblings don´t see as "like you more" but as "love you more". I won't play favorites with my kids.
posted by : Boone on 2/13/2008 at 12:51 PM Flag For Abuse
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Am an only child with an only child, so will not likely have to face this. But commented to my mother on many occasions (half-jokingly), "Thank you for not having any others" when we would discuss the sibling rivalries of our family friends. She and her sister had big issues with one child relating better to one parent, and they are not over it to this day. My father's mother pitted all the kids against each other and it affects family members to this day. I agree that it's the parent's adult responsibility to mask any favoritism as much as possible. Every child craves their parents' love, affection and acceptance like nothing else. I have seen many examples of adults who didn't receive the unconditional love they needed from their parents and who suffer from it as adults, and always will. Oh, and I keyed on the frappuccino also - que sera :)
posted by : Allison on 2/17/2008 at 10:27 PM Flag For Abuse
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When I was a child my mother said she loved me but did not like me (by which she most likely meant she did not like my behavior at that moment). Even as a seven year old I found the comment hurtful and knew it was a stupid thing for her to say. To tell a child that at times you like their sibling better may be honest, but it could be the honest stupid remark the kid carries with them for the rest of their life. Why not use a little old fashioned diplomacy and say you love/like them equally -- or at least distinguish between loving/liking them equally and disapproving/not liking behaviors?
posted by : edbeckatha on 9/11/2008 at 9:38 PM Flag For Abuse
