feedback for "Bad Parent: Anger Management"

1. "And just why is anger so maligned?"
   Anger is "so maligned" because it is a terrible and dangerous impulse to give into if we allow it take over. Unchecked anger directed at our children can lead to violence and abuse. Anger at our children, expressed inappropriately, will frighten, injure and traumatize them. As parents, we have a greater responsibility to rein in our anger and find ways to deal with it and vent our frustrations so no one is harmed.
   Of course we are going to get angry and be imperfect parents. Every parent has "been there" at that breaking point where we don't think we can take any more and we think we're going to lose it. The "Bad Parent" column clearly serves the purpose of speaking out truthfully , and I acknowledge it does so while pushing buttons. But in my opinion solely defending and justifying anger is unacceptable. It would be productive to talk about ways to deal with the difficulties and angry moments that come with being a parent. If we justify our anger, we take the risk of leaving our kids with horrible memories of parents with anger management problems ranging from verbal to physical abuse.

   posted by : AgainstAnger on 2/21/2008 at 11:19 AM Flag For Abuse

2. Thank you for saying this. I love my 8 month old, but he is just as strong-willed and controlling as I am (as my mother is). I've gotten so frustrated, I've had to just put him down on the ground and walk away for a few minutes to cool down.
   
   How much of our anger is due to too little sleep and not taking care of ourselves, too? I know a lot of mine is.

   posted by : steffmarcusky on 2/21/2008 at 12:37 PM Flag For Abuse

3. AgainstAnger, I think you either missed the point or or part of the problem. It IS ok to get angry. You are going to get angry. Most of us will get so angry that we have to remove ourselves from the situation as to not harm ourselves or our children. Having the emotion, that feeling, that anger, is ok.
   
   It's not ok to act upon it. My mother is bi-polar and went undiagnosed until it was much too late, the damage was done. She broke my nose, left many scratches and bruises, and the emotional scars are there to this day on me and and my siblings. I have not, nor will I ever, lay a hand on my children because of this. I will step away, have self-control, and hopefully pass that along to my children.
   
   But I still get angry. I still get so frustrated I think I'm going to explode. Thank you so much Sarah for saying it out loud, for talking about it, for making me feel like I'm not the only one. There isn't enough information out there about how to handle and direct your anger in a productive way. Just being able to talk about it, to admit to it, I think is a great first step. Knowing that it's ok, you're not a horrible parent, and you're not the only one is huge in my book.

   posted by : cooper1178 on 2/21/2008 at 1:52 PM Flag For Abuse

4. Man, did I need to read this today. My 4-year-old is suddenly defying every little thing I say: "OK, let's wash our hands for dinner." "NNNNOOOOOO!!!!!" and it's making me insane.

   posted by : me on 2/21/2008 at 2:27 PM Flag For Abuse

5. Thank you for bringing up an uncomfortable topic. There have been many times that I heaped guilt upon myself for feeling any angry feelings toward my own kids, as well as in the classroom - I'm a high school teacher. While I agree that anger unchecked can cause unnecessary harm, and can fail to teach kids how to deal with anger, it's irresponsible to deny the power of anger, or to suggest that it should not be expressed. Anger can be a powerful motivator for positive change. It can provide an excellent teachable moment. Anger sends a message that something isn't right, and anger can also be very cleansing.

   posted by : angrymama on 2/21/2008 at 3:03 PM Flag For Abuse

6. Thank you for this article. Anger is messy, but it's completely normal--and when we sublimate it, it comes at us in other ways (think heart attack and stroke). I have "lost my cool" more than once with my toddler, as has my husband--and afterwards I always feel guilty because I know that I have "given in" and allowed myself to be that way. Every one of us makes choices--toddlers, who cannot control themselves very well (if at all) aren't to blame when they lose it--but adults can choose their behavior. After I've calmed down, I apologize for losing my temper, and explain to my daughter that sometimes adults get mad too, and that everyone has to work to control our tempers. [I don't know why we should be startled that we get mad at our kids-- almost every one of us has provoked a reaction like that from our own parents.] The kind of rage that leads to abuse is something else altogether. Maybe if we didn't stigmatize anger, more people would get help before they hurt someone.

   posted by : katydidmama on 2/21/2008 at 3:14 PM Flag For Abuse

7. Very good Blog! Anger is something few people really now how to deal with even though it is such a basic emotion. Good for you for getting yours out in the open where you can recognize it. I think denying anger needlessly causes a lot of long term problems (health and sanity) for a lot of parents.
   I have a friend that never ever ever seems to loose her cool. One day I commented that she had the patience of a saint. Her answer.... "No, not really I just punch the ever loving shit out of a heavy bag on a regular basses" It did me a world of good to know that this saint is human. She just learned how to deal with her anger.

   posted by : rikkicarey on 2/21/2008 at 3:16 PM Flag For Abuse

8. We have the same worries.
   
   We get frustrated at our strong-willed 2-year old and sometimes we yell.
   
   I do feel guilty about it but overall I'm not too worried.
   
   My thinking is that as long as the vast bulk of my interactions with my son are loving and affectionate (which they are), then the occasional fit of anger is simply not a problem.
   
   Certainly anger that leads to physical abuse is a problem. Verbal abuse (name-calling, contemptful speech, etc.) is also a problem. But losing your temper, maybe yelling a bit, just stomping around? That's life.
   
   Nobody is "justifying" anything, so let's not cast judgement.
   
   As with anything, it comes down to a matter of degree. There is no black and white answer to these kinds of things. And you simply cannot "manage" anger completely away. You CAN control your anger and cope with the causes of it so that it doesn't become a problem.
   
   But I would counsel that, as with many things, if you reflect truthfully and ask yourself "is my anger a PROBLEM?", you will know the answer.

   posted by : k1 on 2/21/2008 at 3:22 PM Flag For Abuse

9. I have to thank you for publishing this as I have felt like the only mommy in the world that has shouted at or had to walk away and calm down before dealing with the situation. Please don't get me wrong I love my four year old so much that sometimes when I'm watching him sleep I cry because he's so wonderful and because of my feelings of shame and guilt at not being the wonder-mom that every other mom seems to be so easily.
   Thank you for reminding me that moms are human & we too have our limits. Everyone gets frustrated, impatient, cross and angry but all we as moms need to do is realise that these feelings are natural and a five minute cry / scream in the other room can be all we need to get us through this round of naughtyness & will help make us strong enough for the next.
   Motherhood is not easy no matter how perfect others make it seem.

   posted by : madamspud169 on 2/21/2008 at 3:33 PM Flag For Abuse

10. Thank you for this enormously helpful article. My 2-yo son is the joy of my life, but he can also be the bane of my existence @ times. I've only ever had to spank him (which I DO believe in, BTW) twice, although unfortunately both times were in public; once for breaking free of my grasp & heading out into a busy street, and once when he deliberately ran away from me in a store after a huge temper tantrum and delighted in dropping glass jars of preserves, breaking them on the tile floor. The shock & horror surrounding me was palpable- people gasped, shook their heads while making a "tsk, tsk" noise, shot me dirty looks, etc. It was as though I was supposed to turn a blind eye to his misbehavior. The fact is, I would NEVER spank my child unless he was in imminent danger of harming himself by defying me. And I don't appreciate being made to feel like a monster because of it.

    posted by : Chicken80 on 2/21/2008 at 4:01 PM Flag For Abuse

11. Thanks for writing this. My 2nd child is almost 9 months old and still not sleeping thru the night consistently. She was quite fussy and gassy the 1st few months, and I kept thinking... "once she's eating solids, she'll sleep; once she's in her own room, she'll sleep; once she gets over this cold, she'll sleep; we're not quite there! I figure this is payback - my 1st was on a great schedule by the time she was 4 1/2 months old. The sleep deprivation and frustration of trying to get my little one sleeping thru the night has taken a toll on me and my husband - we snap, we're cranky, we're dang tired!! But..... I really think the worst is behind us. There were moments during the 1st 6 months of my younger child's life that I just became so frustrated, so down, and yes, even angry at times... it came out in other ways (e.g. glasses thrown across the room), but I'm seeing a light at the end of tunnel!
    Hang in there if you've got a fussy one :)

    posted by : gocubs on 2/21/2008 at 5:02 PM Flag For Abuse

12. Everyone gets angry at their children. Anyone who says they don't is either lying to themselves or is a Stepford parent. I don't believe in children growing up too fast but I do believe in them knowing and realizing that Mommy and Daddy are people, too. It is a very important for kids to know that parents get angry, yell and then have to apologize for their behavior, just like kids do. How else will they ever know how to handle the situation themselves.
    My husband and I argue in front of the kids. Not knock down, drag-outs of course and not about them but about silly things. I think it's great that they see that you can be angry at someone and then you can forgive and move on.
    I really commend the author on having the guts to write about an issue that NO ONE ever talks about.

    posted by : bunny on 2/21/2008 at 5:07 PM Flag For Abuse

13. Hi there - Thanks for writing what many of us needed to hear. You are brave. I have to disagree with you on one point -- it's really okay to get angry. The difference is -- it's not okay to act upon that anger in an inappropriate way caused your child hard.
    
    When my son was born I didn't bond right away. Rough pregnancy, even tough delivery. I like you had flashes of him being hurt -- and I wasn't sure by who. I remember hiding the knives, because I thought some magical force would cause the knives to travel through the air, through the house and stab my child. I also remember having to stop watching an old Clint Eastwood Movie -- called Hang Em High. I somehow crazily thought that my son would somehow be hung in the movie.
    
    I was honest with my partner -- and I went to see a doctor who said I was suffering from PPD. I toughed it out with help -- but damn that first year was rough.
    
    My child thankfully happened to be easy going -- and didn't cry and cry and cry. But when he did, man I thought about rocking him to sleep with real rocks.
    
    What you are feeling is normal. Thanks for being so brave and again talking about those things we folks only thing about.

    posted by : WCD on 2/21/2008 at 5:54 PM Flag For Abuse

14. thank you.

    posted by : AH on 2/21/2008 at 6:51 PM Flag For Abuse

15. cooper1178 i had the same experience with a very mentally ill mother whose disease went untreated and left me with crazy bruises of all kinds. as a result i can get so angry at my 2 1/2 year old i feel like i am going to burst and i always feel so bad about it-despite the fact that i would never lay a hand on him. in face now that i am expecting my second and have crazy emotional swings i have yelled and when i did i told him i was sorry but the guilt of being angry was crushing.
    
    thanks for a great article and some awesome comments

    posted by : cocosmalls on 2/21/2008 at 8:27 PM Flag For Abuse

16. I struggle often with stress-induced anger and because I tried The Super Nanny books when my son was a toddler (and it does work to take the time to slow down, calm down, get some distance and then calmly explain yourself), I looked for books that showed me how to take those skills and apply them with an older child. I read Unconditional Parenting and use it as my touch stone. When I feel I've lost control of myself and my ability to effectively communicate with my son (yelling at him to get dressed/not listening to him out of frustration) I re-read through marked pages. I still try to control my child and I'm still pushing and pulling him because of the world's expectations of us both, but this book helps me focus on the most important job I have - to treat my son as an individual human being so that he develops good self-esteem and learns the skills he'll need to make it in the world. Check the book out of your library and just give it a read. It's a positive book with real world advice.
    
    Also, remember, other grown ups need to get a grip. As long as your child isn't causing havoc and hurting/harming others and their property, let them stare. Kids are not adults. That said, most every meltdown has come at the hands of lack of sleep or hunger. Once we started snacking our kid every two hours (goldfish, carrots, teddy grahams), we stopped having meltdowns. No is taken much easier when one's blood sugar hasn't hit rock bottom. Kids who aren't forced to shop Super Target when they're obviously worn out won't lose their marbles in the pudding aisle. It really is that simple.

    posted by : cjsmom on 2/21/2008 at 9:38 PM Flag For Abuse

17. The No Cry Discipline Solution by Elizabeth Pantley has a whole chapter on Parental Anger and forgiving ourselves and moving forward....very helpful and healing.

    posted by : PapayaMomdotCom on 2/22/2008 at 12:18 AM Flag For Abuse

18. I've been wondering why no one has written about this... I hear that the book, The Anger Habit in Parenting: Semmelroth, PhD. is good for those of us with anger issues. Dance with Anger is good-- it's specific to women's anger issues, but still found it helpful.

    posted by : ljsmom on 2/22/2008 at 10:47 AM Flag For Abuse

19. I was lucky to never have had a baby that had colic, i think. Was it what i did?
    I did have a certain belief that most moms i knew didnt have. First was to hold and carry the baby A LOT.
    As hard as that was, my instinct said they need the attachment.
    I also had a strict feeding rule that started with a little card give to me at the hospital. It said that when breastfeeding your child you sometimes have to do feedings back to back, sometimes for a hours!. I was a stay at home, no longer working and it was a nice switch in lifestyle to just sit on the couch watching tv and nursing.
    To me, when one of my babies cried, it meant hunger period, and i fed them. If they were dry, and still crying, then hunger was the reason. I still believe that today..I saw many moms saying "They cant be hungry, i just fed them an hour ago!" That's a long time for a fast growing baby! i bet their tummies burn with hunger.
    I breastfed,then milk later. (they are all skinny big kids today btw)
    My other rule was to always use a preventitive diaper rash cream for every single diaper change(for years!), and
    in that way they never ever get a rash or even get red. That stuff works amazingly well. (Desitin..the preventitive one)
    I also stuck rigidly to naptime...if the baby fell asleep in the car going to store because i failed to get his/her nap in, I turned the car around and went back home for the nap.
    Once they could nibble or eat real food, i gave three substantial healthy(fruit mostly)meals a day and actually did not need between snacks(instinctively cuz that's how i eat)..They did very well, just fine when their playmates were snacking.
    With all that said, they were the happiest i could see that babies could be. I will never know if what i did made that diff. just thought i would share..Also, one of my babies simply could not be taught to sleep in a crib...i tried over and over for a yr... couldnt take the crying so kept him in our bed for a couple years!
    ...Just dont ask me about the school years now!!
    This is the time i now need that book mentioned above!!! :O
    I guess we all have the stages we are better at. LOL

    posted by : realmom on 2/22/2008 at 1:14 PM Flag For Abuse

20. I can't tell you how helpful this was to read today - I literally have been up all night with a screaming 4.5 month old. I know it's not his fault and yet my anger has boiled up over and over. I conveniently took it out on my husband, of course. :) This isn't the first night and I am sure it won't be the last.
    
    Like the writer, no one prepared me for the ways that parenting would force me to confront some of my ugliest qualities.
    
    I seem to be surrounded by mothers who deny any such feelings. I am working hard to replace them with friends/mothers who are willing to be vulnerable enough to admit to such things. Even better, to do so without shame and without needing to heap criticism and harsh judgments on those of us who are willing to acknowledge that we have the full range of human emotions.
    
    It's ridiculous to think that anyone - even very good parents - wouldn't feel anger toward their children. As many above wrote, anger in and of itself isn't the problem. I shudder to think what this world would be like if no one got angry. Anger's expression - there's the rub. How to express it without causing harm? Some guidelines are obvious, some have to be discovered along the way.
    
    I am babbling because I am 100% sleep-deprived. But I'm feeling a lot of gratitude for this post and for the exchange it's provoked.

    posted by : alsoarealmom on 2/22/2008 at 1:18 PM Flag For Abuse

21. Realmom writes: "I was lucky to never have had a baby that had colic, i think. Was it what i did?"
    
    Answer: No. It was nothing you did. Sorry to be so blunt about it, but it's true. I did all of the things you mentioned, am a firm 100% believer in attachment parenting, and my child still screamed incessantly for a good four to five months of his life. I certainly came upon people with similar assumptions, however, that it was something I wasn't doing quite right, and man did it make me feel like hell. To this day, my son (who is now two and a half) does not like to be cuddled (breaks our heart!) and he sleeps a million times better in a bed of his own. Colic was not something I did to my boy; it literally showed up one day and changed our lives.
    
    This post definitely speaks to so many of the frustrations I have felt raising my headstrong little man. I think as long as we, as parents, are able to constructively focus our anger (to get angry without physical or verbal abuse) and then to come back to the moment WITH our children and go over the feelings both the child and the parent experienced, talk them through and validate them, etc., it can be a really healthy interaction. Of course, when we are talking about a nine-month old, it's a whole different ball game--we've just got to suck it in and take it out on a pillow once the little shits finally fall asleep for gods' sake.

    posted by : sarahtk on 2/22/2008 at 2:14 PM Flag For Abuse

22. I would suggest reading the book Life After Birth: What Even Your Friends Won't Tell You About Motherhood by Kate Figes. The entire book is a must read, but there is an entire chapter about Emotions, and it deals specifically with this topic.
    
    I think that when you become a mother, so many emotions intensify - so much so that we feel like we've lost our former selves; who knew you could possibly feel so much love and devotion to another person before having a child. Experiencing this kind of rage is within that same spectrum of intense emotions.
    
    I think that there are two things that make dealing with it so difficult. First, we don't recognize ourself in these feeling of anger towards our child - and in light of the other stresses of new motherhood, we aren't afforded the opportunity to become introspective and discover the roots of our rage. And second, like the article mentions, it has just become SO unacceptable to express rage towards children, that I think many new moms are under the impression that knowing it is wrong makes it simple to overcome and control.
    
    And that's the crux of it, from day one we are teaching our new babies how to gain control of themselves, from their physical movements, to their behaviors, and their emotions. Every moment is devoted to modeling correct behaviors and actions. Yes, children need to learn that everyone experiences rage - it is unfair to hide this emotion from them - the difficulty is, within our own rage, making the decision to model the correct behavior - and not just mirroring the child's behavior.
    
    Personally, when my two were infants, I did alot of "walking away". Leaving the room to scream into a pillow, circling the car like the other mother described - that sort of thing. Now that they are older, 3 & 6 - I take alot of deep breaths and then say "mommy is angry" without leaving the room right away so that they see how I am dealing with my emotions. And my children do the same thing, if they feel out of control, they often come up to me and say "Mommy I am angry can we do deep breaths?", and after they do that for a minute we talk about why they are angry. My daughter (3) often gets further into the beginnings of a tantrum before she stomps over to me to ask for some deep breaths.... Anyway, they are learning other ways of coping, as am I. We all need our deep breaths.
    
    I've gone on for too long....
    But check out that book - Life After Birth - its an excellent read.

    posted by : BirthJunkie on 2/22/2008 at 2:57 PM Flag For Abuse

23. I agree that our taboo against talking about (or ever feeling) anger toward children is ultimately harmful. My own early experience with this is a good example of why....my first babysitting job as a teenager was for one of my baby cousins. Her mother was so happy to have the night off she blithely assured me that the baby would just fall straight to sleep, and then sailed out the door. She didn't fall straight to sleep. Instead she screamed, and screamed and screamed for about 3 straight hours. I was alone (and in these pre-cell phone days, had no way to get in touch with her mom...I did have emergency numbers, but she didn't seem sick, she just seemed sad and pissed off...so I didn't call them. Also, I was 14 and clueless.) Anyway, that kid had an eardrum shattering Soprano scream and after about 45 minutes I realized I wanted to hurt her. I actually wanted to hurt a baby. I had never understood how that was possible before. Since no one had ever talked about feeling this way (except in news reports and After-school specials about child abuse) I came to the instant "conclusion" that I was a sick monster who could clearly never be allowed to have her own children or ever take care of one again.
    
    I didn't hurt her (and she wasn't sick...just tired and upset.) Instead I just held her and sobbed right along with her, until she finally went to sleep (along with my arm and most of the left side of my body) and I settled into a miserable funk convinced I was a danger to children everywhere. Weirdly, I'd done pretty much EXACTLY the right thing...I found a way to let off my own stress and frustration in a way that was safe for both of us and it allowed me to continue to care for her in the way she needed till she finally drifted off. My 14-year old's instincts were good and I feel sort of bad for myself, looking back, that I was left all alone with those terrible feelings. Worse, I continued to believe that I was fundamentally unfit to be a mom long into my 20s.
    
    Years later I started working for a child-abuse prevention project that did trainings for teens who were wanna-be babysitters, and I talked about ways to manage this kind of situation- a) do what you need to do to safely blow off steam (cry, sing, dance around the room, maul a pillow, etc..) b) if you need to put the baby in her crib for a few minutes to walk into another room and take a breath, do it c) reach out for help, even just to get some reassurance and perspective about it (call your mom, your best friend...)

    posted by : astridjane on 2/22/2008 at 3:29 PM Flag For Abuse

24. Thanks for being honest and brave about the realities of motherhood. I never knew the true depths of my anger until I became a mother. And, talking to most of my mother friends, this mother rage is universal. Do I hurt my children? No. But, just like a lioness might swat away her overly rambunctious cubs when she's trying to rest, the desire to lash out is real. We're all doing the best we can.

    posted by : numbmum on 2/23/2008 at 4:41 PM Flag For Abuse

25. I am seriously sleep deprived since my 19 month old was born...to this day she has not slept through the night...wakes up for a bottle at least twice a night. So you can say I have little patients at times and my fustration runs high...sometimes I just break down and cry and somwtimes I wanna squeeze a little too hard...and sometimes I want to run away and find a nice corner to curl up in and never wake up again! So you can imagine how relieved I was to read this article..I felt normal for once. Thank you for reminding me that we are aloud to sometimes get angry, fustrated, annoyed, tired, over worked, under payed, and crabby! When I can take no more I call on NANA!!! Best help in the world! My daughter sleeps there once a week so I can re-charge! It's a dream! I highly recomend it.

    posted by : melissmiley on 2/24/2008 at 8:46 PM Flag For Abuse

26. this is an excellent and brave article. There are two competing concerns -- stress hormones are really really bad for babies, limiting their pattern-recognition skills (think memory) and intellectual development; the financial times recently published an op piece on poverty that cited several recent studies where chronic stress was found toxic for children's minds. On the other hand, chronic sleep deprivation makes everything harder, including judgment and reason (so many studies here too).
    
    I think it is one of the dilemas of our post-industrial age -- people know it is bad for children to be abused, so even stern safety warnings get you the stink eye; but support networks are so far flung, with parents, inlaws, siblings, any cohort who could step in and give you a break, so far away and so fully committed to their own lives and occupations that they cannot help with a newborn, let alone an equally overwhelming toddler. And people, myself included, are stacking up kids like planes over o'hare because the childbearing window is so short.
    
    Parenting is a lot of physical hard work with no breaks and little sleep -- not just subjectively, but think of all those studies that had custodial grandparents who exercised and ate right dying sooner than people of their age and health who weren't hustling after kids. Working all day and then coming home to this demand, or never getting a break because your partner works all day and cannot pick up the slack, is a trainwreck that lots of people have to live through.
    
    I first lost my temper with my oldest when I had promised to finish a memo overnight, hearing was in the morning, I had no time to push back on the deadline, and I came home to a teething, sick toddler. I had to realize that other people can juggle, but I can't and he had to come first. No more promises that I would try to get it done, and let it go. The anger was very real, though, and scary.

    posted by : 3 under 5 on 2/24/2008 at 11:45 PM Flag For Abuse

27. I am going to be a mom soon, and I'm really scared of what to do about my own anger. I am never an angry or violent person normally in my life - so people just pooh-pooh me when I say that I'm worried - but I know that children are very trying, and I have often been really scared of what will happen when I get angry at my child. I am so glad that this post was here - it also made me think - hey, I can always just walk away and leave and cool down. That's always an option. Another book I'd recommend is called "Picking Your Battles" by Dr. Bonnie Maslin - I don't know if it has really prepared me or not, we'll see when the kid comes, but it seems really smart about preparing you for these situations.

    posted by : mccn on 2/25/2008 at 3:24 PM Flag For Abuse

28. "I was lucky to never have had a baby that had colic, i think. Was it what i did?"
    In response to this, I'd also like to say that I didn't think I could ever have a colicky baby because I was going to breastfeed, practice attachment parenting,etc. My assumptions were so wrong. Our dear daughter was colicky, no acid-reflux, no allergies, just crying that would last 4 hours at a stretch. It was genetic, her father was the same way, told to me by a very helpful mother-in-law as she took over swinging our daughter in her car seat to keep her from crying. Motion, white noise and swaddling were the only things that soothed her. You will find colic in every culture with every style of parenting. I do think that some cultures have better knowledge on how to deal with it, like carrying babies outside and using sshhhsshh sounds to soothe them to sleep.
    
    Not that the breastfeeding (2 years) and attachment-like parenting didn't make a difference, I believe it did. Now, our dear girl sleeps through the night and is very confident, intelligent, healthy and affectionate. But, colic can make any sane person CRAZY with anger. My mother-in-law told me how her own husband left when my colicky baby husband was 3 months old and never came back. Thank goodness her son stayed. My mother-in-law and I want to eventually establish some organization that would help teach coping methods to single moms with colicky infants.
    
    Having children is beautiful ANDthe most trying, frustrating thing I've ever done. My own anger has terrified me. After the colic year, my husband and I decided to stay in our home city, rather than venture to CA like we had planned (I would have had a great job prospect there) because we knew how valuable outside help is to raising kids. We are very fortunate to have involved grandparents and aunts. I feel so much for all the parents out there who are struggling on their own. I agree so much with the other posts that suggest the link between anger and sleep deprivation and the link between isolation and anger. My best to you all.

    posted by : msleora on 2/27/2008 at 4:11 PM Flag For Abuse

29. Oh, Sarah, I could not agree more. Nobody wants to NOT keep his/her anger in check when it rages to the surface. We angry moms and dads don't wish to be wanker parents any more than the next person. BUT, like you, I feel there is such a thing as an extreme reaction to anger, and we're in a culture that is basically terrified of any sort of display of temper. Me, I lose it often and often I regret it; and yes I try to temper it. But I also think it's healthy for kids to have sincere, honest genuine parents whose emotions are real and not programmed. People are so SCARED of anything faintly negative in parenting today. Eveything has to be positive and affirming. I don't think this approach is entirely healthy, nor does it adequately equip our little ones for this rather hostile place called the real world. Nor do I think it's that great to make passionate and fiery parents feel guilty about not speaking i calm tones 24-7. Interesting how temper-y kids are called "spirited" these days but temper-y parents--aggressive/angry/in need of help.
    I talk about this sort of thing, among other related crabby topics (such as "the power of negative thinking") over at my blog, Crabmommy @cookiemag dot com, should anyone feel so inclined:
    http://www.cookiemag.com/magazine/blogs/crabmommy

    posted by : crabmommy on 2/27/2008 at 10:44 PM Flag For Abuse

30. Thank you for putting how I feel some days into words. Really. Thank you.

    posted by : kmason79 on 3/3/2008 at 9:13 AM Flag For Abuse

31. HI,
    
    Thanks for discussing anger. You are right, there isn't much out there. I grew up in a house where my father screamed and lost his temper easily. He particularly hated me crying. He never hit me though but he would sometimes hit my brother. I know it has left emotional scars on both me and my brother and we are still dealing it. I am aware and strive for more self control but how do the people that have so much self-contro do it? Is there any advice for those of us who lack self-control. I am looking for non judgemental, constructive advice. I totally lost it this morning with my 8 year old son and screamed and though I did not slap him, I did raise my hand and threatened to because he was so incredibly sassy and has been for the last few days. I just sounded like my mother. Now I feel ashamed and guilty and I know I have not taught him anything about respect.

    posted by : brooklynmom on 3/11/2008 at 1:07 PM Flag For Abuse

32. Thanks for writting this article. And thank you for all the moms who are willing to discuss the same. I don't have many mom friends whith whom I can talk about these things. Only my mom, who (despite the fact that growing up she lashed out in anger quite a bit) has made me feel even more guilt-ridden and unworthy! Like so many above me have said... my anger has at times terrified me. Worse even, made me hate myself and think myself unsuitable as a mother! In truth, I'm an excellent mom! Knowing that it is OK to be angry will make it easier to deal with, which subsequently will cause the anger to pass more quickly! Thanks, thanks, and thanks. This article and the following discussion have been extremely helpful!!

    posted by : Briarbell on 3/21/2008 at 3:05 PM Flag For Abuse

33. astridjane, your experience with babysitting struck a chord for me, and it brought up an experience I had forgotten. I subsequently had a colicky baby at 33. My not knowing how to calm a child was the most helpless feeling ever! I breast fed, swaddled, rocked, walked, drove, bounced, did all I could. She has grown into a headstrong child, for which I am grateful. I do think her persistence will serve her in the long run. I, however, have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder and am a single mom. I am every day trying to learn new strategies. RETHINK (Reconsider the situation, Empathize with your child, Think about it from her perspective, Hear what the other person is saying, Integrate love and respect with what you say, notice your body's reaction when you are saying it, Keep you attention on present not past problems).
    My 4 year old will tell me when she hears that I have an "angry" voice, even if what I'm saying is "nice." I also am trying to write out a lot of emotions and reassure her that things aren't her fault--I tend to takes things out on her. Often my stress comes out in her behavior. Anger is so complex, and I think with mom's and their children, it is so taboo! For me, being labeled with an emotional "abnormality" at a young age has always made me look at intensities of emotions, so I am really grateful for this blog where parents are recognizing that the home is where these intense emotions are inevitably played out.
    Thank you!
    lesuco

    posted by : lesuco on 3/31/2008 at 11:03 AM Flag For Abuse

34. I can so relate to this article. I've felt sheer rage toward my children and been so ashamed for my lack of self control. I just get so tired of being angry, but three kids (including twins) under the age of three tend to max my patience every single day.
    There is a very good book out there for anyone seeking a Christian perspective: "She's Gonna Blow" by Julie Ann Barnhill. It's surprisingly honest -- the writer has really been there when it comes to this topic.
    And prayer does help. Really.
    God Bless.

    posted by : goodread on 4/1/2008 at 2:45 PM Flag For Abuse

35. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

    posted by : flower on 6/24/2008 at 8:56 PM Flag For Abuse

36. What I am frustrated about after reading your article is how you seem to firmly believe it is impossible for a parent to not get angry at their child. Is it that hard for you to imagine that just as you are programmed to have a quick temper (as you say in your article), some other people are programmed to have an infinite tolerance for screaming, thrashing, and late night misery?
    
    I hate to tell you, but in my house it is pretty clear that there is a huge amount of variation in parental patience- for the same kid. One of us has a short fuse, and the other can stay calm and maintain a cool head under any circumstance. One frequently has to place the kid in the crib and walk away, the other can hold a screaming banshee for hours. It is simpy some sort of weird different in our chemistry, I think. And on the surface as adults in society we have almost identical temperments- so it was quite the shock to us as a couple when the little fellow was born and we had totally different coping needs.
    
    So please, I don't disparage your anger. I think it is natural for you. Don't claim that it is unrealistic or impossible that some people don't get angry. I know for a fact that a few parents out there are really, truly, unflappable. That doesn't make them better parents. Just different from you.

    posted by : Some like it calm on 1/23/2009 at 10:30 PM Flag For Abuse

37. It's amazing to me that after 7 1/2 years as a mom, I feel like I still don't have it figured out. I still get crazy mad and frustrated; luckily, my hubby is fairly calm. We spend so many hours trying to make ends meet that we sometimes forget why the ends need to meet in the first place. I will say that it has gotten better, and I have figured out how to handle it better.
    
    When my first son was born, I had no idea what to expect. I was the first in my circle of friends to have a baby. I called my husband at work MANY TIMES to calm me down because I couldn't get the baby to stop crying. It is fatigue, hormones, hunger, and fear that fuels a lot of these emotions. It takes time--a long time--to figure it all out.
    
    I now have 3 gorgeous kids--7, 5, and 3--and have a better clue how to handle it all in addition to my 50 hour work weeks. I still don't sleep a lot, but that laundry just has to wait some days. The house isn't always perfect (rarely so), but I try to make the time to be with them. Sometimes, that's what helps us clue in to what they need and helps us control the frustrations that come with being a parent. Easing up on ourselves is a huge help. We're not all June Cleaver, and let's face, do we really want to be? I don't.
    
    Thanks for writing this article and helping us all realize that we are human and there's hope.

    posted by : working mom of 3 on 1/25/2009 at 6:51 PM Flag For Abuse

38. Great article, but even better responses.
    

    posted by : Momma2son on 7/6/2009 at 2:24 PM Flag For Abuse

39. thank heavens I found this.  When my second son was born, my eldest was two.  my second son had severe reflux and just screamed and fed every hour of every day.  In amongst this my two year old, who had been the most loveliest boy, and so easy to have, bore the brunt of my anger and frustration.  I smacked him two or three times that I regret immensely, out of my frustration, nothing that he did.  I said things I regret to him as well, unfair considering he was only 2.  Now, three years later, both boys are surprisingly delightful and happy loving children - in contrast to what the books say can happen.  We recently moved half way around the world and I went back to work while my husband chose to semi-retire (at 39!) and stay home with the boys.  The stress of the move saw some of our poorer behaviours emerge again as a reaction to the situation.  This time though, we were better prepared and nipped it in the bud.  However, until reading this I have spent so many nights laying in bed feeling sick with guilt over how angry i have been in the past.  It is sometimes hard to remind ourselves that yes, while there are one or two angry moments, nine days out of ten are full of love and laughter.  We start and finish every day with cuddles and 'i love you'.  I love my sons so deeply, as do all the parents I read about, that I do find it hard to accept that I can feel so angry.  somedays are just crap and some days are good.  It doesn't change the love or care we have.  Thanks for such an insightful article and for the honesty of all the parents who have commented.  I think I will sleep much better tonight!

    posted by : flax on 9/9/2009 at 3:58 PM Flag For Abuse