feedback for "Parental Advisory: Be Our Guest?"

1. I told my family that we wanted a few days to ourselves and then we ended up needing help desperately. Definitely keep your friends and family on call in case you have a difficult baby!

   posted by : newmom111 on 4/2/2008 at 11:41 AM Flag For Abuse

2. Staying in your robe or PJs is key, because I think it serves as a visual reminder of what you've just been through, and that you may need some extra help.

   posted by : chyna823 on 4/2/2008 at 2:09 PM Flag For Abuse

3. I have one rule for post-partum visit: the visitors must bring lunch (or diner) for everyone!

   posted by : Bianca Neon on 4/2/2008 at 2:12 PM Flag For Abuse

4. I agree on the pajamas! Everyone needs to see that this isn't just a social call. Even still, we had too many people stay for too long. My dad and his wife would hang out all day and did virtually nothing to help. My partner was running around fetching drinks and cooking, while I struggled to learn how to breastfeed. Argh! At one point I almost said out loud, "If you're not helping out around here, go home!" I should have said it. It's a sensitive time with a lot to learn, a lot of feelings to be had. Having to tend to anyone but yourselves is TOO MUCH. Make sure that you get the message across somehow. Maybe having someone run interference for you (Grandma!) is the best solution.

   posted by : honeybee on 4/2/2008 at 2:43 PM Flag For Abuse

5. We're struggling with this exact issue right now! My in-laws are lovely people - but the very definition of unhelpful. (That coffee filter example really hit home.) When our first was born, I suffered through an extended visit with them in our tiny one-bathroom, no-dishwasher house. I was a mess by the time they cleared out - and wanted to kill my husband for not running interference. Now that #2 is due, we've decided that it doesn't matter who is upset - if we have to hire bouncers, Grandma and Grandpa will have to wait 'til we're ready!

   posted by : indiawallis on 4/2/2008 at 6:16 PM Flag For Abuse

6. The best advice I can give is GO WITH YOUR GUT INSTINCT!!
   My husband insisted on flying his mother in to "help" after I had my son, and my statements that I wanted some time for the three of us to get to know each other were brushed over. Lo and behold, MIL arrived and damn near drove me into postnatal depression. I would have been much happier trying to cope by myself, and ended up going for long walks everyday alone with the baby just to get out of the house and away from her. TWO MONTHS LATER she was finally persuaded to leave, and that's when I really started to enjoy motherhood.
   
   Having said that however, if your own mother is supportive, it can be helpful to have her around. But be very careful with in-laws. My MIL and I got on like a house on fire until the baby, and I have heard that it is very common to have a baby suddenly change your feelings towards them.

   posted by : giantpanda on 4/2/2008 at 11:43 PM Flag For Abuse

7. Get your husband to run interference by answering the phone to "book" visits and by greeting people at the door with a "they're both a little tired but please come in to say hi for a few minutes."

   posted by : VancouverMama on 4/3/2008 at 12:59 AM Flag For Abuse

8. My inlaws insisted on coming, and then were incredibly unhappy and unhelpful -- they would be really upset if I wanted to nurse instead of immediately coming to admire the dinners they cooked, they complained about washing their own dishes, they were upset if I was holding the baby, my mother in law handed my two day old son to her other, much younger son and invited him to practice burping a baby, if I wanted to go for a walk, I was taken aside and told that my mother-in-law's arthritis was too bad for her to come with us, and if she couldn't go, then I couldn't either; when I took the baby for a walk anyway my mother in law called my friends to see if we were at the ER because of course I must have had "accidently" hurt the baby when we were out of her watchful eye!
   
   And the only reason my inlaws came was not to be helpful but because my husband insisted it would make his mother so happy, that she would be so hurt if she couldn't stay -- instead,she was angry at me, every little thing was an intentional slight (if I was nursing in my room, I was sulking, if I was nursing in the living room, I was purposefully not being discrete). In short, she was miserable because it wasn't her baby and the generational shift hurt.
   
   My advice to everyone is to have grandma and grandpa stay home and work through those emotions in private, and then come for really short visits, and stay offsite.

   posted by : keep it quiet on 4/3/2008 at 1:32 PM Flag For Abuse

9. After the birth of our first daughter we were overwhelmed by all of the people who stopped in to visit which included a not-so-grateful tv news crew for an interview on our unique birth story. (I am still bitter about that one.) It was hard to complain, though, because I generally love having people over and was experiencing that extreme pride and joy feeling described in the article, wanting to "show-off" my daughter. Possibly even stronger than my sense of pride, though, was my sense of protection. I didn't want to seem like a crazy mom, but I wanted to be the one to snuggle her and fix things when she was upset and tend to her. For some reason though, those possessive feelings only applied to friends and inlaws. When my parents came to help from halfway across the country, it was a God-send situation! They took care of everything from cooking to cleaning to some remodling and redecorating(also including caring for the baby when I was too exhausted which I was so grateful for). Had anyone besides my own parents tried to help so much, I think even that would have been overwhelming. I didn't know how I would feel leading up to the birth of my daughter and have concluded in expectation of my second-born in 3 months, that I won't know how I will feel the second time either. I think it's important to keep your options open and set boundaries. You should feel no guilt for making the rules in your own house. You are responsible for how you parent and spend your own time, and honestly don't have to answer to anyone you don't want to.
   
   One thing my midwife suggested in responsed to my anxiety last time around was to set visiting hours. They can be any hours you choose. She recommended posting a sign on the front door that says, "VISITING HOURS 5-7" and not answering the door at any other time. I think it's a great idea and along with having a husband who is willing to set up appointments and handle the linger-ers while you slip into a different room to rest or nurse or whatever the need be.
   
   I also had a home-birth (and will again in the next 3 months). What I noticed the first time around is that people are a little less respectful and aware when they visit your home rather than the hospital. The hospital seems regimented and regulated to visitors and a home is ... well... a home where people feel welcome, comfortable and free to stay for a while (and possibly even try to hold the baby without scrubbing down their hands and taking off their filthy jackets first!) I wasn't afraid to enforce the expectations my husband and I pre-determined for guests, and I don't think anyone should be!
   
   Also, if you have young friends or childless-friends or family that hasn't parented a baby in years, it can be easy for them to forget what it's like. Don't be afraid to remind them that you are actually still RECOVERING and learning how to BOND.

   posted by : DezireeR on 4/3/2008 at 2:33 PM Flag For Abuse

10. When I had my son I set visiting hours (informally) from 10am-Noon roughly every other day. It was good for me to have people come keep me sane, hold the baby if I hadn't had a chance to shower yet, etc. I also assigned my father (normally not so helpful) to assemble baby equipment, install smoke detectors, etc. on nearly every visit he and my step-mother made. It made them feel useful and it made the visits seem less intrusive for me (they're lovely, but slow talkers and slow to leave). I also suggest assigning people chores as you make the appointment. "Oh it would be great to see you Wednesday morning. You could stop at the grocery store and pick up a decaf latte for me, and muffins for us to share - it's so hard to get out, that would be a great help." But make appointments no longer than a week in advance. You need to figure out what the baby's feeding and nap schedules are, and to inform visitors of exactly what times you think the visits will work best, and reschedule if the baby's schedule shifts. People, especially those who have no children, or had their children ages ago, may have no actual clue what you're dealing with, so you need to set clear expectations for them. Before I had a child, I had no idea and would have made all the most eggregious errors, simply out of ignorance. So try not to take offense at those who screw up, and just gently set them on the path that works for you. Good luck and enjoy this time!

    posted by : MamaAllison on 4/6/2008 at 2:30 PM Flag For Abuse

11. I normally hate having people stay with us as it breaks my routine. However, as I wanted my Mum and Dad to get to know their granddaughter, I was happy to have them come from New Zealand and stay for 3 months in our tiny one bedroom apartment during my maternity leave. Before becoming a new mum, I would have found this situation very stressful, but instead I really appreciated their help. I could actually shower and check e-mail. The one night I was left alone with the baby, I broke down in tears because I couldn't manage to make my husband dinner. I realized how consuming it is to look after a newborn on your own.
    
    My relationship with my Mother-in-law also improved as the addition of my daughter broke the jealousy triangle (my husband is very close to his mother which could sometimes test his loyalties). I now appreciate her help when she comes to visit. My husband and I get to have real dates together while she looks after our daughter.
    
    I actually loved having visitors from day one, as I could show off my beautiful baby and they would fuss over her and give me a break for a few minutes. Having said that, I admit that straight after the birth, I could only handle Mum and Dad staying with us for an extended period. If my Mother-in-Law had wanted to stay immediately following the birth, I'm sure it would have pushed me over the edge.

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