feedback for "Personal Essay: The Parent Trap"
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For what it's worth, I don't know ANY parent in ANY circumstance who wouldn't be completely undone by having to deal with a grocery store diaper blowout, with a potluck to attend within the hour. Even the blowouts that happened in the comfort of my own or a family member's home were pretty darn annoying to deal with, without the added pressure of having to rush to get myself pretty for a party.
posted by : wonderbred on 5/5/2008 at 2:21 PM Flag For Abuse
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I'm all for moving back in with your parents... no matter the age, and it sounds especially great that they have agreed to help you with your child. But I can't believe you're whiny about them. Now I know, only another family member will be able to read between the lines of their comments, but your story reminded me of that Will and Grace episode where only Will (or was it Grace) would be furious at the most neutral remarks. Seriously, try to appreciate how great they are. If you REALLY had those "bad" parents you could have no home to go to at all
posted by : sfwork on 5/5/2008 at 2:28 PM Flag For Abuse
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Having the shoe on the other foot, namely having my grown child move in with HER children, I can now say that if you think that parenting toddlers is hard, wait til they are adults!!! The idea that the parenting ends at 18? MYTH. it is harder now than when they were small, mostly because there is an invisible boundary that I simply can't keep track of. Too much and you smother, too little and you aren't supportive. sigh.
I had to learn that my daughter's children are hers, and not mine, she has the final say, whether it's pop for dinner or when to let them play outside. I also had to learn that it was perfectly OK to insist that the house remain organized and that she clean up after her kids.
it's better now, and all I can say is stick to your guns. and oh by the way, you have more courage than I, I could NOT have moved home, even though I should have. My kids are the ones that suffered that pride. And I didn't think you were whiny.
:)
posted by : grandmamama on 5/5/2008 at 3:00 PM Flag For Abuse
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Honestly, your parents have the psychological upper hand in this. They are free to have a selective memory about their own parenting foibles and your childhood. They probably couldn't recall with great detail the times you blew out your diaper and how they reacted to it, for example, when chances are you did at one time or another and they probably ran around trying not to throw up too. Simultaneously, they can also keep treating you like a mopey teenager, and any time you try to defend any position of yours, it is their choice to dismiss it as another one of your moods/whims/etc. Plus, there are the obvious things like "Well, _we're_ not the ones without a job and a baby" pseudo-moral upper hand, etc. Very frustrating!
These head-buttings will continue, especially when harder clashes of morals and values come into play (e.g., how to discipline naughty behavior, what counts as naughty behavior, etc.). I think the only thing you can possibly change is how you react to it. Honestly, chances are the only person suffering emotionally is you. Doesn't that suck? Is there a way you can stop letting their jabs get to you (deep breaths, repeating some mantra to yourself, making funny faces to the baby, etc.)?
Most people don't have to reconcile all the parental baggage in their brains because they don't have to face them daily under the same roof like you are. More power to you.
posted by : julie00 on 5/5/2008 at 3:10 PM Flag For Abuse
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Loved this!
I also moved back into my father's house after becoming a single mom. We hadn't lived in the same state for over a decade. My dad and I had never related to each other as adults, and although it was quite a dramatic transition, we're closer than ever.
Bravo to you for being bold enough to really relate to your family. Even when you butt heads (I know what it's like!!), the fact that your son sees you communicating, genuinely, is a huge gift to him.
posted by : SingleMomSeeking on 5/5/2008 at 4:16 PM Flag For Abuse
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I can definitely relate to this article as I am a single 25 year old mom who moved back in with my parents. When it comes to discipling my son, dating, trying to live my own life, it is very difficult. However, I just bought a house so I will be moving out soon. Living with your parents has its ups and downs...definitely a good financial move though. Sometimes, I don't think people realize how hard it is to be a single mom especially when you have erratic schedules hours (I work as a hospital RN).
posted by : RNsinglemom on 5/5/2008 at 4:36 PM Flag For Abuse
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Kudos to you for being able to keep your cool. I know that the only way I could ever move back in with my mother (who has a cottage on her property so at least we wouldn't be under the same roof) is if we had a standing weekly therapy session. Seriously. She lives 2,000 miles away (in Sequim, no less) and we can't seem to get along except superficially. Maybe that's what happens when they don't agree with your life choices. I wish you the best.
posted by : katydidmama on 5/5/2008 at 4:39 PM Flag For Abuse
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Girl you're smart. It's a rough life in the real world. You did what's best for your child. There are many countries that take their adult children in with open arms, unlike America. In American, fend for yourselves. It is by no means easy--living independently--and yet people seem to think it's the right thing to do no matter what. Everyone needs a little break once in a while--a breather. Mariah Carey took one. You needed one. Kudos to you! When you're good and ready, and when the timing is right, you'll move out. For now, just ENJOY this time with your baby. :-)
posted by : college mama on 5/5/2008 at 5:43 PM Flag For Abuse
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Becoming a mom is a big deal. Becoming a single mom is huge. Moving back home with your parents after becoming a mom is incredibly hard. I think the author has every right to vent every now and then, while she she still shows a ton of gratitude towards her family.
Very good article and the photograph that accompanied it is awesome. Kudos to the Author and photographer :)
posted by : jerinstar on 5/5/2008 at 7:29 PM Flag For Abuse
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"But it also means raising my son in an environment where stiff upper lips are mandatory, where his illegitimate arrival was first greeted with shock and shame, where emotions are swallowed and then fester."
In lefty Seattle? Really? 'Cause it sounds more like you were raised in a black and white movie.
I'm your age, but I'm feeling for your parents here. If they were shocked that you found yourself single and pregnant while working a child unfriendly job in Manhattan, perhaps it was because they are grownups and realized exactly where you would be living in a few months, even after your proud refusal.
I congratulate them on their stiff upper lips.
posted by : catmom on 5/5/2008 at 8:58 PM Flag For Abuse
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First of all, I can't believe you actually were going to a potluck... I refused to go anywhere by myself until my son was 8 months old.
Secondly, thank you for your honesty. Family dynamics are hard enough sometimes.
posted by : iamthewalrus on 5/5/2008 at 9:29 PM Flag For Abuse
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In my twenties, even though I loved them dearly, my parents annoyed the hell out of me. In my late twenties, I moved to the US where I have lived for the last 12 years. I had a baby a few years ago and my parents came to stay with me in my one bedroom apartment for 3 months. Before they arrived, I was dreading it, thinking that the same old patterns would resurface. Happily, the baby made all the difference. Finally I appreciated my parents' experience and help.
My father died last year and I am so thankful for those 3 months that we spent in cramped quarters.
Yes, parents can be annoying. But in hind sight, I would try to spend as much time as possible with them because they won't be around forever.
My mum is coming to visit me again for 3 months over summer and this time I'm really, really looking forward to it.
posted by : kiwi mum on 5/5/2008 at 10:37 PM Flag For Abuse
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wow, I couldn't stand it myself, but good on you for trying to adopt a positive attitude and make the best of it for your son's sake.
posted by : sfworkisnuts on 5/6/2008 at 12:43 AM Flag For Abuse
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lovely piece about a reality that's becoming, i think, more and more prevalent. i'm looking forward to your book!
posted by : papadeviviana on 5/6/2008 at 10:32 AM Flag For Abuse
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I think you should get down on your knees and kiss your parents' collective ass for letting you live there-period! Who the hell told you to get knocked up when you were unmarried and didn't have a job good enough to support you and your son? You should be ashamed of yourself.
P.S. I'm a divorce mother of 2 boys and I NEVER thought about living with my parents, because they've already done their job. Now it's my turn to do mine.
posted by : nascarfanof48 on 5/9/2008 at 4:54 PM Flag For Abuse
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Well, congrats and all that for sucking it up, swallowing your pride, and doing what works best for your son in this situation.
But my lord, I hope your parents never read this piece. Free rent, free childcare, free insurance/airline tix/whatever else, not to mention the compromises they must be making in their own lives while you live with them.... Frankly, I think they've purchased the right to comment on your life now and then.
But maybe they've purchased this difficult situation too. By continually subsidizing your life choices, they've allowed you to grow up without becoming truly independent. You're not living at home because of some unseen disaster; you're living at home because of the choices you've made. If you're not all happy with that, then bite down and start living your lives differently. If you are all happy with that, enjoy (and stop complaining).
posted by : two on 5/10/2008 at 10:05 AM Flag For Abuse
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what an ungrateful ass. if you have the money to travel, you have the money to get your own place. if you can't support the child you have, why in the world would you even think of having another? and your love life is your problem. if you don't want to be treated like an irrisponsible child...then GROW UP. your parents raised thier own kids and now would probably enjoy the "me time" and freedom of the retirement years, which you are robbing them of. i love to see my kids and grandkids but i spent many years doing without so that my kids had all the basics and some of the luxuries and now i'm the one who can slurge on new jeans for myself instead of Goodwill jeans. i'm enjoying, for the first time in my adult life, the freedom that comes with not having small fulltime kids around. there's a HUGE diff between getting some familial help and dumping your adult responsibilites onto people who have already paid thier dues. it is also well within your parents' rights to expect that the rules of the house,which THEY pay for, are thiers to make. if you don't like it...move.
posted by : paid my own way on 5/12/2008 at 12:08 PM Flag For Abuse
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And what exactly is wrong with closing the windows and not forcing one's neighbors to listen to screaming babies?
posted by : peaceandquiet on 5/12/2008 at 12:49 PM Flag For Abuse
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It's amazing how free-spirits often criticize the follow-the-rule types while mooching off them. I think family should help each other and don't necessarily think it's horrible for adult children to move back in with their parents. But the adult children should be contributing financially if they can and if not, they better be working their way towards that.
We have young children and an adult child so understand both sides. We also have my father-in-law living with us so I experience first hand the tensions of raising children with a grandparent in the house (though WE own the house so WE are in charge). I'm not a free-spirit, nor a follow-the-rules type - we homeschool and homebirth and do all kinds of other things out of the "mainstream".
The idea that this woman would even consider having another baby when she can't afford the one she has AND be irritated that her parents might have something to say about that when they are supporting her demonstrates her selfish and childish irresponsibility.
If the author wants to be treated like an adult then she should act like one. 1. Contribute and understand that when your parents support you they are going to expect they get some say in how you live (that's just how life works) OR 2. Move out and take full responsibility for your choices and not have to answer to your parents anymore.
posted by : grow up on 5/14/2008 at 1:54 PM Flag For Abuse
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wow, I can't believe some of the super judgmental comments above. Who are these people? I don't think the author is ungrateful nor do I think she should feel ashamed of herself nor do I think she is not acting like an adult. It sounds like she has made some very mature choices. Everyone's parents are different, and some parents (like mine) are very difficult to live with, particularly if you don't share many of the same values. The author's parents sound a lot like my own. When I got pregnant, there was the same shock and shame reaction, and I still haven't forgiven my parents for that. Eventually they came around and probably would have let me move back home, but it would have been a sort of emotional / psychological hell -- even though they are fundamentally good people. Fortunately I had a supportive partner and (limited) resources so that I didn't have to move back home. Please don't listen to these judgmental people who have written comments above. It sounds like you are a very thoughtful, intelligent, honest person and it sounds like you are doing a great job with Leo. Good luck.
posted by : katew on 5/24/2008 at 5:28 PM Flag For Abuse
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This was a great story...I too live in Seattle and although I'm sure that your mom and dad can be a pain, you ultimately have to be grateful for the fact that you don't have to pay $1300+ for childcare each month.Not to mention at least $1200 for a 2 bedroom apt. This sounds like a pretty decent situation. No one ever wants to move back home, this won't last forever, and trust me, you should be grateful that you can take advantage of this situation for the time being and little Leo gets to experience Grandma's love. My 4 year old son, his dad and I are here with no family and his daycare costs $1100 per month. Good Luck!
posted by : Lboog1 on 9/13/2008 at 2:05 AM Flag For Abuse
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I enjoyed this article, simply because I am also 37 and a single mom living with my dad. I did not plan it that way -- my ex-husband made choices that entirely demolished everything we'd worked for and I moved home -- to pay off all my debt, to build a downpayment for a home, to find safety, and to find what I had lost (my self-esteem and everything I knew left with the marriage -- I was totally dependent and was nearly destroyed by the fact I was so dependent). Three years ago, I would have been very judgemental of anyone who moved home to live with parents. Well, never say never...
Now, I'm ready to move out and rely on myself, but guess what -- my Dad isn't ready for me to move out! We get along well (I can talk to him openly and we agree on most things), and since the economy is bad, I'm going to keep my options open. He knows the time will come -- I think in the end, our family has grown by the experience. My dad is a hero.
posted by : ella1 on 3/16/2009 at 4:51 PM Flag For Abuse
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Completely agree with two and grow up: if you can afford to travel and have another child, then you can afford to move out. Unless your parents want you to stay, and then that's a different situation, but I'd still have to say that you should be contributing to household expenses BEFORE you make further expensive decision that "improve" your life. As it is you have one child that only has one parent it can count on for support. I can't see a good reason to increase that number deliberately.
posted by : agreed on 3/21/2009 at 9:16 AM Flag For Abuse
