(Sigh) Well, there is an ounce of relief in knowing that this dilemma is not a result of bad marriage, that this frustration is common.
When our daughter was a baby, I did 97% of the caring for our child. I know my husband wanted to do more but considering I breastfed, there wasn’t much he could do when the baby fussed. Most days if the baby was crying because she was hungry and I was doing something (i.e. cooking or dishes) he’d stand in the kitchen doorway rocking the baby but letting her see me so she would stop crying. That meant I had to hurry up and finish what I was doing (because he was not going to do it) and feed her. Any of you mom’s who have breastfed, I am sure you know how tiring (and, sometimes, painful) that can be. But more than that, you can’t get anything else done! My husband doesn’t cook, so if I couldn’t do it, it wouldn’t get done. I learned quickly and began buying prepped foods that all he had to do was put in the oven for a set amount of time. He was “cooking” dinner in no time!
When our daughter got a little older my husband would come home from work he and take our daughter out for a walk which gave me time to prepare dinner. It wasn’t sweeping the house or cleaning the bathrooms, but it was his way of helping out, giving me a break, and bonding with our child.
Many nights I was too tired for sex, and the “foreplay” became mundane. As if rubbing a nipple would instantly turn on the sex switch. Many nights I found myself screwing my face in the dark at his efforts thinking, “What is he doing?” Sometimes, I’d have sex so that my husband would not feel unfulfilled. I know, as much as we love each other, that if I were to constantly be unavailable to him he would become pretty frustrated (I know I would). And, for every time I say no, there is someone out there who will say yes. I don’t EVER want my actions to lead to that temptation. Sad_dad, I am curious to know if you have ever been tempted to seek fulfillment outside of your marriage. Many people are okay with self-satisfaction, but some need more. That is always a potential downside of not making time to be intimate with your spouse. Another downside is that your spouse feels unwanted. My libido is like a roller coaster. It has it slow points, but at other times I am on fire. There are times when my husband is too tired and tells me no. There is a small sense of rejection, but I know if he is saying no, he MUST be tired. However, if I heard no every time I made a sexual advance, I’d feel pretty hurt and rejected. I understand being tired, but we are still married and sex is a part of marriage. Besides, most of the time when you let go of the stresses of your day/life and just focus on the moment and being close to your spouse, you’ll find that you’re enjoying the sex, too. There have been quite a few times I did it for him but half way through, I found much pleasure and release in it. Not having sex is stressful. Not having sex on purpose is even more stressful. Who needs that in addition to everything else? Even when I am mad at him, there is something about sex that is calming. Sometimes it makes it easier for us to discuss things afterwards, and he’s usually more receptive to what I have to say. Now, whether or not he remembers it in a few days is another story. But that just seems to be the nature of things…
