feedback for "Bad Parent: The Not-So-Happy Accident"

1. My mom told me you always regret the children you did not have but never regret the ones you did have. I remember getting my dream job after grad school and during the first week took a pregnancy test on a whim in teh company toilet during lunch. That line popped right up. I sat in there for 30 minutes flipping out. I almost felt ashamed for getting pregnant. Happily, I quit taht stinking job 2 months later and had that sweet baby. I made my choice. Once you have her though, get those tubes tied!

   posted by : Cassie on 6/19/2008 at 10:45 AM Flag For Abuse

2. Thank you for having the guts to discuss a "taboo" parenting topic. I'm guessing you might get flack about "Oh, how do you think she's going to feel when she discovers this essay on the Internet in _____ years?" But I think when and if your child reads this, she'll have the context of having had a loving mom for all those years in the interim. I think kids understand that parents are allowed to be complex people, capable of having mixed emotions about situations while still being loving and supportive and all the things parents should be. In fact, by modeling for her exactly how one goes about being a complex individual--being honest about one's feelings, seeking reassurance from people who matter, trying to focus on the positives--you're teaching her how to handle adult worries and concerns appropriately.
   
   I too had doubts and fears about both of my pregnancies. I too love my children endlessly. Kudos to you for being a real human being and admitting it.

   posted by : sometimes doubtful too on 6/19/2008 at 11:35 AM Flag For Abuse

3. Thank you for your candor - I too went through my moments when I wasn't sure I wanted to be pregnant. Our child was "planned" to the extent that we knew we wanted to get pregnant, but I got pregnant a heckuva lot faster than I thought was possible - after being on Depo for 10+ years.
   
   To make matters worse, when I had my little breakdown, 2 days later they saw a soft marker for trisomy 18 on my little guy's brain...so instead of getting over the feelings of apathy, now I was faced with full blown fear as to what will happen next. Thankfully the amnio came back ok and I have a beautiful 7 month old little boy, but I still look back on those days and my stomach churns just thinking about it.
   
   But at the end of the day, we're human...and humans sometimes wonder and doubt and fear. No matter how bad you may want that baby, being pregnant is a test of endurance and strength, and no one woman has the capability of being excited and sure of herself every day of every week for 9 months. I applaud you for giving voice to a very real fear and concern for most of us, and wish you the best possible outcome - a beautiful little girl to pass your strength and wisdom on to.

   posted by : metoo on 6/19/2008 at 11:55 AM Flag For Abuse

4. And won't this future person be glad to read all about its mother's feelings about her pregnancy when he or she grows up! Long live this celebrated era of internet revelations - and our community of voyeurs...

   posted by : doubtful on 6/19/2008 at 12:32 PM Flag For Abuse

5. As a mom who's last pregnancy scare made me realize my husband SHOULD have a vasectomy (see One is the Awesomest Number here on Babble!), I know exactly where you are coming from. The fact that you decided to write about a natural reaction to a scary situation does not make you a bad parent. It makes you human.
   
   Thanks for letting the millions of other moms who experience the "I don't want this baby" feeling at some point in their pregnancy know they're not alone!!

   posted by : jeanne on 6/19/2008 at 12:43 PM Flag For Abuse

6. Doubtful, what in the world is wrong about having ambivalent feelings about being pregnant?! Should every woman simply be overjoyed at knowing that despite taking precautions to NOT get pregnant she now is? Should she never admit to the slightest feeling of being duped by her 99.7% effective birth control or trapped by the baby now growing in her womb?
   
   If I got pregnant now with my 3rd child, I would have almost identical feelings as the author's. I very much appreciate her honesty.

   posted by : jbird on 6/19/2008 at 3:03 PM Flag For Abuse

7. it's great that you are handling this so well, but i think it's worth pointing out that there certainly are babies who AREN'T wanted. this one sounds like she will be very wanted and loved, and that's great, but the last line of this article is just very wrong.

   posted by : dmg on 6/19/2008 at 3:05 PM Flag For Abuse

8. What a relief to read this article. We have one child and recently decided to try for another and were very excited to do so. Well, three weeks and two pink lines later, I discovered I was really more scared and anxious than I was excited. That's starting to change, but it's great to know that many people have moments of doubt!

   posted by : mamaandahalf on 6/19/2008 at 3:09 PM Flag For Abuse

9. What a lovely essay! Re the concerns about your daughter reading this when you're older, I think she may be grateful to have a mother who is honest about the complexities of grown-up life and that ambivalence in a mother doesn't mean less than 100 percent love.

   posted by : karenburbia on 6/19/2008 at 3:24 PM Flag For Abuse

10. I could have written your article. I thought I was done. 1 boy 1 girl...life was finally getting easier and more organized...then bam...surprise...I am pregnant with unplanned #3....I have bittersweet emotions. Sad because I was just gaining new freedoms....happy to meet a new face and personality. I know it will all work out but on days I can't help but feel melancohly.

    posted by : carlie on 6/19/2008 at 5:03 PM Flag For Abuse

11. I've been unable to stop crying since I read this post--on and off through dinner, while raking the lawn, balancing the check register and checking email. I've suddenly been validated. The "dream" family for me has been one great hubby, a son, a daughter, a dog, et cetera, et cetera. Now, life as I know it is a few short months away from chaos with a new baby and I'm experiencing the FULL range of emotions--both rational and irrational. I feel like I need to have a disclaimer to pass out to people when they realize I'm pregnant AND chasing two other children. I am unsettled with all of my feelings, but now I know I'm not the only one. THANK YOU!

    posted by : mommyburd on 6/19/2008 at 9:38 PM Flag For Abuse

12. I think it's great you shared that. I was kind of freaked out when I found out I was having a boy after two girls. Everybody assumed that was what we were trying for, but we really didn't think we'd have a boy since we had two girls and my husband had three sisters, so I had myself prepared for a girl. I felt badly about being freaked out about a boy until I talked to my friend who had a girl and then a boy and she said she felt the same way when she found out she was having a boy. I think sharing your feelings helps you deal with them, and it helps others who may go through the same thing at some point.
    
    I went through postpartum depression with my second baby and it helped a lot to know I was not alone because other women had shared their stories with me at some point. I shared my experience, so now my friends who may go through PPD know they are not alone and they can talk to me about it if they want.
    
    Amy
    Mom to 3
    www.sofiabean.com

    posted by : AmyE on 6/20/2008 at 9:23 AM Flag For Abuse

13. I wasn't doubting whether she should 'feel' bad about being accidentally pregnant. I was wondering whether broadcasting her personal feelings to an audience on the web, in an article which remains public and permanent, is kind to the child who will some day grow up and read it. But I see I'm alone in not being inspired by this discussion.

    posted by : doubtful on 6/20/2008 at 9:25 AM Flag For Abuse

14. Can babble.com NOT get anyone else to write for them? Sheesh! Why do sisters Keri Fisher and Amy S.F. Lutz even bother to have a separate blog? And why are they consistently writing for the Bad Parent column?

    posted by : crikey on 6/20/2008 at 10:41 AM Flag For Abuse

15. I would be glad to trade with you. You give me your fertility and I give you my infertility.

    posted by : ivffriends on 6/20/2008 at 11:52 PM Flag For Abuse

16. Being ambivalent about getting pregnant on birth control makes you a bad parent? The hell? What's next? How about moms who believe there are seven days in the week? Moms who live on Earth? Moms who are part of a carbon-based life system? Anyone? Bueller? Could there be anything more normal than regretting an unwanted pregnancy?

    posted by : apparently a monster of a parent on 6/21/2008 at 9:02 PM Flag For Abuse

17. Thanks for your candor and honesty. This was a beautifully written article. I enjoyed it.

    posted by : Camille on 6/23/2008 at 6:05 PM Flag For Abuse

18. Wow, I enjoyed the article. I have #3 on the way and already have a 9 year old and a 5 year old. Everyone around me is excited and I on the other hand am not. I am glad to know that I am not alone in feeling like this. I know that when the baby gets here, I will wonder what I ever did without him or her. But it doesn't make the here and now and the unknown any easier. I was half way to 18 with one of them and the other one is getting ready to start school this year. Thank you for being honest about your feelings. It has made my situation feel not so hopeless.

    posted by : Glad I am not alone on 7/28/2008 at 9:50 PM Flag For Abuse

19. We all adore my youngest brother, he's a fabulous individual - but there is no doubt that the much-protected-against, surprising event of his conception and birth functionally ruined my mother's life. She never wanted three kids, she was overwhelmed, she disappeared as a person and became a spit-up covered child-wrangler for the entirety of the 1980s and most of the 90s. My dad was cheating on her the entire time. She was crazy and too hard on all of us, and the youngest son came into the world with an undeniable sense that he had been born to a family that had no room for him. He's had DUIs, arrests, drug addiction, flunked out, and so on and so on despite how brilliant and creative he is -- he doesn't love himself, doesn't have that core survival instinct because on some unconscious level, he's been trying to die to get back at my mother for not wanting him to be born, ever since he got here. Every single time he messes up, my mom's comment to me is, "well you know he was not planned." She thinks he doesn't know - bullshit. I vowed when I was about 10 and my brother was about 3 NEVER to have a third child. Imagining myself in the author's place, I think I would have gone for a 2nd trimester abortion to avoid that upheaval to my personhood, marriage, and family. I really hope things turn out better for her. My husband was also an unwanted 3rd child, and his mother adores him because he actually saved his parents' marriage, so it can go either way. But I agree with the commenter above - the last sentence of this article is sadly not correct. Many, many babies, even in the most privileged of rich nuclear families, are unwanted.

    posted by : christine5987 on 1/9/2009 at 2:31 PM Flag For Abuse

20. Amazing, how interesting, I just clicked through and realized that the author of this piece is one of the two awesome sisters who have a communal household and an expansive family and friend community -- you guys are SUCH role models for me. The piece looks so different in this light - the contrast between what this family has going for it and the lonely, isolated, atomized, suburban, southern-put-on-a-happy-face-for-the-neighbors existence in which my mom had to raise her unwanted 3rd child could not be more vast. There's a huge lesson here - we weren't meant to live shut up in private little nuclear family boxes. It causes the kind of heartache I was talking about above.

    posted by : christine5897 on 1/9/2009 at 3:10 PM Flag For Abuse

21. To the noter who said they would trade their infertility for her fertility, I seriously think that's unnecessary. You're the reason it's so difficult to talk about this subject. My heart goes out for you, but your issues are certainly not the author's fault.

    posted by : locke on 3/9/2009 at 9:47 PM Flag For Abuse

22. I am 10 weeks pregnant now. I was on birth control and got pregnant 2 weeks after I got married. I am only 24 and wanted to wait and build a life for my children first. I pulled myself out of poverty and worked very hard to get a Master's degree and wanted to go on to law school, and now that I have a child on the way I'm stuck in what was supposed to be a temporary job I hate. To make matters worse my husband is an illegal alien and cannot get work so all the pressure is on me so I cannot quit and find a better paying, more satisfying job in the field I should be in. I still rent and probably will for years to come. I wanted a house for my children. I wanted a better income for my children. I feel like a failure.
    
    I wish I wasn't pregnant. It is so hard to be happy. I have my moment where I am but I am constantly thinking that I will be such a disappointment to my child. I had so much potential to make a great life for it and now its gone for all of us, me, my husband, and my baby.
    
    Your article was comforting, but nothing can make up for the life I could have made for my family.

    posted by : Failure on 5/5/2009 at 4:28 PM Flag For Abuse

23. I have to agree with locke - you can't make your issues the reason why another should feel guilty when they have nothing to do with each other.  I dare say it would be normal to have this author's reaction.  You don't want people to tell you to relax and you'll get pregnant?  How about not saying things like "I'll trade you..." to someone in the author's shoes?   It is just as bad (been there, done that, got the T-shirt, use it as a carwash rag...).
    
    I felt that I was unable to say anything about an unplanned, unexpected, using BC, having a four-month-old and the stick was blue again pregnancy due to my own sister's battles with IF.   I wasn't happy, I was completely and entirely overwhelmed at the possibility of having two within just over a year.  Matter of fact, it took me til I was about 7 months pregnant to be even remotely "happy" about it (baby blues + pregnancy hormones are not a pleasant combination for me).  All amongst the guilt trip laid on me by my own sister that "you're so lucky, what have I done wrong...you did this on purpose just to hurt me..." yada yada. (Yeah, I purposefully spent nearly 20 months out of 24 knocked up with raging hormones, horrible morning sickness both times, and spent two years solid nursing, six months of which involved BOTH daughters - all of which meant I slept little and four years later am only barely regaining my sanity!)
    
    Would I change things?  Not now.  I adore both my daughters and they are my life.  Was this how I planned things?  Not.  And really, did I do this to p!ss off or upset my sister?  Um, wow, not.  But she sure felt that I did this on purpose just to hurt her. 
    
    

    posted by : CrazedMama on 5/27/2009 at 8:35 AM Flag For Abuse