feedback for "Dispatch: Herland"

1. I've also been thinking about this for a while, and even more so since I became the mother of a boy. He goes to a huge daycare/preschool with 70 kids and a staff of 30, but not a single man in sight. Chances are he'll never have a male teacher until maybe his math or science class in Grade 8... It does seem strange to me that school is such a women's world, and is designed/carried out/graded/evaluated under an overwhelmingly feminine perspective, so no wonder girls are usually better than boys at it! It's funny to also point out that the higher you climb the education ladder, the fewer women: men still massively dominate PhD studies and the like... So this "women as nurturers of small children" cliche is nothing new (and I have no solution for it) but nonetheless very real... I find that the influence it will have on our children's lives is often underestimated. I know most women teachers are wonderful and are doing an amazing job, but I still wish schools were a little more representative of how the society works, and I wish boys could also have some role models to look up to.
   My son has a wonderful father and we are surrounded by several other positive masculine figures, but I'm still a little sad that he probably won't recognize himself much at school. I'm just as aware of child abuse as any other parent, but I simply refuse to live in irrational fear, towards this or any other aspect of our family life. Men who want to pursue a career educating young children should be lauded and strongly encouraged!
   While in grad school I used to work part time as a teacher's assistant for a Grade 2 class in an unprivileged neighborhood, and this experience remains one of the most fulfilling and rewarding of my life. A lot of these children did not have a father figure nor a strong social support network, and they were immensely giving and eager to learn and imitate. I was aware of only being able to give them so much with my female, white, privileged background, and as much as I loved them, I knew that they could not really identify to me. I can still remember their absolute adoration towards my (male, black) co-worker, who had been a kid just like them, and who had now become this wonderful person they could completely relate to. Those role models are so rare and can make such a difference, that I'm sure these now-grown kids are still thinking about him to this day.

   posted by : Marie Eve on 8/11/2008 at 11:44 AM Flag For Abuse

2. My husband is a very big, tall, friendly man and kids are drawn to him and he loves them right back. He's worked at camps and babysat as a teenager and even as an adult (he used to watch his boss's kids!). Our friends' kids always ask for him when my son and I visit and really love to play with him. BUT living in the society we live in, he is hyper-aware of the perception of others. When we are at the playground with my son and all the kids gravitate towards my husband and want to play, he tries to make it clear to the mothers that he is there with our son and has no other intentions (the other kids actively try to engage him and sometime he'll start a game for them, but usually he avoids that because he doesn't want anyone to get angry or suspicious). Even our friends' daughters want him to lift them and play, but he is always worried about making a bad impression or someone getting angry at him. It is very sad.

   posted by : Mother of One on 8/11/2008 at 12:14 PM Flag For Abuse

3. I'm a male elementary teacher. At a school where I used to work, the gym teacher's aide (also male) was asked by a student on the playground if his phone took pictures. He said yes, and showed the student his phone. This started a rumor that he was taking pictures of students (and eventually, that changed to only female students) with his phone, and this rumor got back to some parents. The parents filed a complaint, a special school board meeting was called, and they checked his phone and computer for pictures. Eventually he was cleared, but how badly was his reputation damaged? We have to be on guard constantly, because even a rumor can balloon out of control and make us unhirable and at worst, branded a pervert. I can understand parents being careful, but to assume every man who works with children does so because he's a child molester is ridiculous.

   posted by : Careful on 8/11/2008 at 12:42 PM Flag For Abuse

4. My son's day care has one full-time male teacher at the moment (he was worked there for eleven years; not only is he male but he's - GASP - gay!) and has had others, as well as male summer help. I don't worry about it. I trust the center director to hire well and supervise the staff, male and female both - if I didn't I wouldn't trust them with my child.

   posted by : diera on 8/11/2008 at 12:55 PM Flag For Abuse

5. My sons pre-school employed a wonderful, caring young man who was actually over-qualified for the job. Several mothers took their children to a different pre-school because of this. I was one of the mothers whose child stayed and can say I made the best decision for my son on all levels. My son gained a "bestest friend", a caring role model and one who had and was willing to lavish attention and friendship on him. Under this mans care my son blossomed and rapidly caught up on the delays he had in his development.
   I did not worry about the new employee being male only whether the new employee would be as good as the others were. He was even better.
   
   The pre-school employed him to help those children who did not have a father living at home and many of the mothers who did not take their children away noticed the difference in their children once they had a male role model as well as females.
   
   There are good men and bad men, good women and bad women, perverts and non perverts, we need to realise that it is the persons morals, values, caring qualities, intelligence and how they respond to children that is important not whether that person is male or female.

   posted by : madamspud169 on 8/11/2008 at 1:50 PM Flag For Abuse

6. Amen. We need more men in the classrooms, and in the preschools. I believe that more males in elementary schools would decrease the number of little boys recommended for ADHD evaluation and medication. Attitudes like the one on that "mommyblog" really irritate me.

   posted by : anonymommy on 8/11/2008 at 2:15 PM Flag For Abuse

7. What a terrible message these women who won't trust male childcare professionals are giving their sons: "When you grow up, everyone will look at you as a potential molester. Including and especially me." They're also positing the erroneous idea to children of both genders that women are saints who never hurt children, which is ludicrous and untrue.

   posted by : Bunny 2 on 8/11/2008 at 2:39 PM Flag For Abuse

8. I am so glad that you wrote this article. The points you make are so true. This paranoia about male caretakers really works to keep women in their "place." If men can't do these low-paying jobs, well guess who has to do them? And the paranoia about pedophiles has other serious ramifications on our lives as mothers, too. Why can't kids walk to their friend's houses down the street or over to the close-by mall or play outside by themselves anymore? Because we're afraid that some un-named "something" will happen to them. So the mothers lose that much more opportunity to do other things with their time, and children end up obese, poorly socialized, and they have a good chance of developing type 2 diabetes. Sometimes I think there is something mythic going on with the media and the pedophile stories (not to mention the cannibal, serial-killer, etc. stories). Is that really news? But that's a whole other issue.

   posted by : Maverick on 8/11/2008 at 2:43 PM Flag For Abuse

9. I am a father an would feel pretty weird having a male other than one of my brothers/relatives or a VERY close friend who has their own kids babysit my 3 year old. The irony is, of course, I babysat a 3 year old when I was 10 or 11 and the parents didn't seem at all concerned! It's just that my son still needs bathroom assistance and such and that's just a whole tricky thing. I don't know, maybe it's not rational. When he's older I won't have a problem with a trusted neighborhood male kid watching him if necessary.
   
   But then again, a real employer blocking men from working with young kids is discrimination, plain and simple, and against the law no doubt.
   
   As for the occasional guy working in a day care center. He's probably the least likely child molestor candidate out there given that he is being watched like a hawk 24/7. Our daycare center has a guy or two, but I think they're mostly working with the 4 and 5 year olds who aren't going to need bathroom help in the same way. If my son had a male teacher at this point I would not object though, for the above reasons. Babysitting is a bit different though, you don't have 15 other teachers within 15 feet of you.

   posted by : anonydad on 8/11/2008 at 4:01 PM Flag For Abuse

10. as for the wide open gym daycare center...assuming employees aren't expected to change diapers/help in the bathroom, I think the mother is being a bit paranoid. The free range shirtless friend is another thing though, I would be ticked off about that.

    posted by : anonydad on 8/11/2008 at 4:04 PM Flag For Abuse

11. Amen. My younger brother is a Montessori teacher at a low-income charter school and he has almost given up his job several times because the constant suspicion is a bit hard to take. My brother is a fun loving, sociable guy, who took up Montessori because he himself was a Montessori child and felt passionate about the teaching method. The kids love him and he enjoys his job, and enjoys the difference he can make by being a positive role model for these kids, many of whom come from homes where the father is absent. It is sad that our society has become so paranoid about child molesters that every male now becomes suspicious. While it is important to be vigilant, what messages are we giving our children? Not only are we saying every male is potentially dangerous, but also that the world is a scary and bad place, and that we should trust no one. The sad thing is that these messages and the damage they do are very real, more real in probably 95% of the cases than the perceived threat of some unnamed sexual predator/boogeyman.
    
    As an aside, I live and work in China, and used to work with local kindergartens to provide foreign teachers for their English programs. Interestingly, the kindergarten directors would often ask specifically for male teachers, since there are so few male kindergarten teachers in China, and they felt it was important for the children to have male exposure. Not only that, but the children craved the (positive) male attention as well and responded extremely well to them. Obviously the sexual predator fear has not hit this society, despite, I'm sure, similar rates of actual pedophilia in both cultures. To say that the media has played a role in this phenomena in America would be an understatement.

    posted by : KMJess on 8/11/2008 at 11:21 PM Flag For Abuse

12. The McMartin case had 6 women and only 1 man. He was raised by the preschool director and the owner was his grandmother. The director said 'As a child, i was molested and it didn't hurt me.'
    They got away with it as do most molesters. There is a blueprint for beating any allegations written by a group called FMSF (false memory syndrome foundation) They advocate the idea that children are liars and can be easily persuaded to believe they were sexually molested.
    The children in the mcmartin case were from age 2 1/2 to over 30. The case was not hysteria but was miserably bungled by the District Attorney's office.
    
    http://educate-yourself.org/cn/pedophocracypart4mcmartinpreschoolaug01.shtml
    JM

    posted by : a sorry mother on 8/12/2008 at 2:49 AM Flag For Abuse

13. Sorry Mother, do some more reading. McMartin was a sham, and children in the case have come forward as adults and described being pressured to say that they were harmed -- something they couldn't do when they were still kids. And what exactly do you mean by "The children in the mcmartin case were from age 2 1/2 to over 30"? All of the children I've met are rarely, if ever, over 30.
    
    The author of the pedophocracy site you recommend doesn't back up any of his "facts," just makes lots of unsupported generalities, like his assumption that children would never lie to please adults.
    
    Here's an article by a former McMartin accuser: http://www.religionnewsblog.com/12637/mcmartin-pre-school-accuser-why-im-sorry

    posted by : anarchist mama on 8/12/2008 at 12:14 PM Flag For Abuse

14. I am in the process of looking for childcare for my son and soon to be child (we are keeping gender a suprise). I have looked at many centers and am on numerous wait lists (looking a year in advance is a necessity in my area), but the center at the top of my list has a policy of maintaining a 50/50 gender ratio among the staff. I think this is wonderful and I would love it if my children were able to attend. I find the paranoia out there truly sad. It is an unfortunately product of a society that is constantly fearing the dreaded "stranger." The truth is whether you are talking child abuse, abduction, or homicide, the most likely culprits - statistically speaking - are their parents. I would never leave my children in the care of someone I don't trust implicitly, male or female, but I think the concern that every male child care worker is a pedophile is damaging both to society at large as well as our children.

    posted by : Camille on 8/12/2008 at 7:19 PM Flag For Abuse

15. To think that keeping your child away from men is the best way of protecting them is ludicrous. Has any one of these parents looked into how many children have been beaten to a pulp by a female caregiver? Anything can happen when you put your child in daycare or school - that's why you research the place you send your child, speak to them about "good touch/bad touch" and cross your fingers. It's natural to want to protect our kids, but short of shutting them in the house with you for all eternity, life doesn't work that way.

    posted by : jeanne on 8/15/2008 at 9:00 AM Flag For Abuse

16. There are two factors here: 1) risk management and 2) potential benefit of gender-diversified early childhood childcare. For many people, the risk management factor outweighs the potential benefits of gender-diverse early childhood childcare.
    
    Say you are shopping for a car. You have two brands to choose from, brand ‘X’ and brand ‘Y’. Brand ‘Y’ cars have a rare but notorious problem of occasionally exploding into flames with your family inside. Brand ‘X’ cars can have a similar problem, but it occurs at a rate 20 times less than brand ‘Y’. It’s true that out of the total number manufactured very few ‘Y’ cars actually do burst into flames, but even so, if you are going to buy a car, which would you pick? All else being equal, you must choose ‘X’ to reduce your family’s chances of going up in flames, even if the chance is small. However if “all else” is NOT equal, how much additional extra value does brand ‘Y’ have to offer over brand ‘X’ to induce you to buy brand ‘Y’? It depends on how risk-averse you are, and how much value you PERCEIVE that choosing brand ‘Y’ offers.
    
    Scale is also a problem here. If driving brand ‘Y’ cars instead of brand ‘X’ increases your chances of developing cancer by 20 times, it seems obvious you would never want to drive brand ‘Y’–20 times is a large factor. But if total probability of developing cancer from driving brand ‘X’ is only one in 100 trillion, maybe 20 in 100 trillion (for brand ‘Y’) is not so bad.
    
    DYM has taken a lot of flack for this (more than on just on this site). Personally, I think people calling others they disagree with “lunatics” and the like for these kind of decisions is a much bigger problem for society than the lack of gender-diversified childcare. Be nice, people. Didn’t your male or female teachers teach you that?

    posted by : Dan on 8/18/2008 at 1:03 PM Flag For Abuse

17. This author cites the reason for men not going into teaching is that they don't want to be poor. What about the women who go into teaching? What about the much higher rate of women who work for non-profit organizations, where everyone knows you don't get rich? That statement is dumb but regardless, there are obviously other reasons less men teach, which are the subject of this article. Men are under constant suspicion. I also clicked on the blog of the woman who at first said she wouldn't use any male babysitters. Being a parent of 13-month old twins and ever since having them I can't stand seeing a child in pain or abused, I heard her comment that she didn't care if people think she's sexist but she'd rather be safe than sorry. Then I remember the shameful and often brutal and terrible cases of discrimination throughout history and people's seemingly innocent rationale for discriminating how they did. It's not about being politically correct; it's about ensuring equality and freedom. Instead of putting up barriers to protect people, we have to scrutinize situations better so we make better judgments and judge everyone by their own merits, not by a group to which they belong. How do you feel when someone says "all women are moody" just because their last ex-girlfriend was moody? Our world will only change when we insist on that change of thinking. We have to open these opportunities to all people who will be good and kind to our children and they will be better for it, and we have to be more vigilent and aware in protecting our children from people who are truly dangerous.

    posted by : TwinMomToronto on 8/18/2008 at 10:23 PM Flag For Abuse

18. Something to think about:
    
    I am often one of the only men on the playground with my son. Inevitably, children come to play with us, gravitating to me more than I expect.
    
    I used to think maybe I just exuded a "dad" vibe - but I've realized that these kids are often hungry for greater male presence in their lives.
    
    Now, I'm a totally safe guy. But think about this: If your children don't have a chance to interact with safe & qualified male role models, they will feel more strongly this lack in their lives, and thus become more likely to speak with any man they meet.
    
    Wouldn't we all be better off, and safer, giving our children a chance to get to know the good guys?

    posted by : coparenting dad on 9/6/2008 at 11:59 PM Flag For Abuse

19. My son has a male K teacher at the private school he attends. This particular school strives to hire the best teachers they can but also tries to maintain gender and ethnicity among their teachers. Part of their philosophy is that kids live in a diverse world and they need to experience it from an early age in meaningful ways. My 5 year old has a very involved dad in his life whom he adores. His male K teacher has been a great positive influence however. It is important for boys particularly to have some male teacher influence early in their lives. My kids have taken swim lessons from mostly male teachers...it was hard for them to intially trust the instructor at age 4 when tney started lessons but they got more out of it than with a female teacher.
    
    I am all for more male teachers in schools and camps. However even I would feel uncomfortable with a child needing diaper or potty assistance having a male care giver other than dad! 4-5 year old kids I think would do fine with male teachers.

    posted by : txmom on 9/7/2008 at 4:40 PM Flag For Abuse