feedback for "Dispatch: The Gender Spectrum"

1. This article was so refreshing and eye-opening, at the same time very well researched! Forget all the formula and the baby gizzmos...a copy of this article should be included in every new parent's "take home bag"!

   posted by : Batmom on 8/4/2008 at 1:34 PM Flag For Abuse

2. This is a very interesting article. It is considered taboo among my liberal friends (which is most of them) to say you hope your son is not gay. I think it's possible -- and common -- to love your gay friends, believe in equal rights, and at the same time hope your son is not gay. Not because you fear he will not be happy, but more because you would like biological grandkids (which not impossible, but less likely, with a gay son), and because you want your son's experience to be more directly correlated with your own. This is not a prejudiced preference -- at least not in my case -- but rather a selfish one.

   posted by : not_that_there_is_anything_wrong on 8/4/2008 at 3:09 PM Flag For Abuse

3. In response to "not_that...":
   
   Well, yes, parents will always have their hopes (and fears), and I hear you that "hoping your son is not gay" doesn't necessarily mean you personally buy into the stigma or homophobic dogma. And it is hard to contemplate helping your child manage a stigmatized identity which you yourself do not share-- as parents in transracial adoptions might attest. But the question then is: what do you do with those hopes-- and fears? How do you keep them from poisoning your child, whether he is in fact gay or not?
   
   There are lots of things a parent may mourn the loss of, when they realize that their child isn't exactly what they expected or hoped for, for various reasons. We tend to want our children to be extensions of ourselves. But: "Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself... You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams." (Kahlil Gibran)
   
   Many of us parents of gender variant children find that we have to confront those hopes and fears as honestly as we possibly can, whether it is taboo or not, and get very clear on what belongs to us and what belongs to our child. And if one harbors prejudices, well then better to work privately to leach out those toxins before your child catches a whiff of them.
   
   As Stephanie Brill and Rachel Pepper put it in their excellent book on the subject of raising gender-variant children (http://www.genderspectrum.org/), "... we have all been instructed in the gender system, and our reaction to "gay" expression in children can trigger some unexpected reactions. It can be very painful to witness in yourself or others the gut fear and repulsion of parents for their own child. This unbidden response comes to parents who never even considered themselves homophobic. This is not your fault. The gender training we have all been exposed to from the day we were born includes not only exalting the value of heterosexuality, but also interlinking the values of the ideal male with heterosexuality." (Later in the same book there are chapters about specific ways to work through such reactions and moving from damaging to effective parenting practices.)
   
   The good news is that once you do start letting go of those visceral hopes and fears, you get to watch in wonder as this beautiful, unexpected, emerging soul reveals bits of itself to you in all its complexity as it develops, and your sense of what is possible in the world expands. Which takes me to another favorite quote:
   
   "O wonder!
   How many goodly creatures are there here!
   How beautious mankind is!
   O brave new world,
   That has such people in't!" (Miranda in The Tempest)

   posted by : kevlar_tutu on 8/4/2008 at 9:58 PM Flag For Abuse

4. I think both comments miss the entire point of the article. Gender and sexuality are both fluid, but unrelated. Just because a boy picks up an interest in a feminine interest such as sewing or dancing or playing with dolls does not mean he will grow up to be gay. Conversely, boys who are interested in football may be gay. Even if a boy is interested in becoming a girl his sexuality could be geared towards an interest in men or women or both.

   posted by : dhsredhead on 8/4/2008 at 10:07 PM Flag For Abuse

5. P.S. to my post-- I realized on rereading my post (note to self: proofread *before* posting) at it comes off as if I'm personally challenging the previous poster.
   
   I didn't mean it that way-- I'm just riffing on what he/she brought up. When I read the "not_that" post, it brought back conversations I've had with myself and other parents of gv children, and I'm playing back a recurring dialogue. Particularly the guilty fear of "poisoning our children" with our lurking hidden thoughts and agendas is a theme that keeps coming back in the support groups.

   posted by : kevlar_tutu on 8/4/2008 at 10:27 PM Flag For Abuse

6. I think you are absolutely right dhsredhead, gender is fluid and that is the point of the article. Everyone exists on spectrum and that's what makes the world an interesting place. I also agree with kevlar_tutu's comments -- everyone that I know would be incredibly loving and supportive of a gay son or daughter (we are not our parent's generation). But we should not demonize parents for having a preference. Everyone across the political spectrum and gender spectrum has a tendency to surround themselves with people more like themselves, and this same instinct causes parents to hope their children will be like them. This does not mean that parents of all types can't learn to embrace and love and have their world expanded by children that are different from them.

   posted by : not_that_there_is_anything_wrong on 8/5/2008 at 10:21 AM Flag For Abuse

7. Most gifted children tend to be androgynous in their interests. Boys like to cook, dance, garden in addition to typical boy subjects. Girls like to build, learn about construction equipment and still play princess and take ballet. The higher the IQ the more androgynous the interests become. They want to learn everything. So rejoice, your kid is not gay if he takes ballet or she loved Bob The Builder. They are highly gifted. Kids with lower IQs tend to stick with gender specific pursuits.

   posted by : Kaylie on 8/5/2008 at 1:36 PM Flag For Abuse

8. Kaylie: "Rejoice, your kid is not gay if he takes ballet"? Why should I rejoice if my kid isn't gay? Why should I rejoice if he is? He is who he is. I can honestly say I have no qualms whatsoever about the possibility that my child is gay. We have plenty of gay friends who would be great role models and this is probably the best time in history to grow up gay. I want him to feel like he can always feel free to be whoever he is, gay or straight.

   posted by : boyswillbegirls on 8/6/2008 at 10:29 AM Flag For Abuse

9. I have known a few male ballet dancers that were quite the ladies' men. Not all male ballet dancers are homosexual just like not all male construction workers are heterosexual. Talk about stereotyping.

   posted by : bizarre on 8/7/2008 at 9:00 PM Flag For Abuse

10. Brett Berk here, author of the article. Thanks for reading and for all your thoughts and notes. If you enjoyed this piece, you'll probably get a kick out of my musings on contemporary parenting, so come visit me at my site.
    
    http://www.askgayuncle.com
    
    You can read posts, check out other articles, and even BUY MY BOOK "The Gay Uncle's Guide to Parenting."
    
    Hope to see you there.
    Brett

    posted by : Uncle Brett on 8/31/2008 at 12:32 AM Flag For Abuse