feedback for "Happy (Belated) Birthday"

1. This was an awesome essay! I feel like crying now because you really hit the nail on the head. As my new(ish) family has become unified, a lot of people I called friends have sort of disappeared. Very few managed to attend my daughter's first birthday and this is the first time I'm admiting that it deeply hurt my feelings. With far flug friends, I totally understand, but the local ones who couldn't be bothered are the ones that really upset me. After years of going to their birthdays, weddings, house warmings, and showers, I thought it was pretty lousy they couldnt swing by her party. That was the turning point for me...I no longer speak with some of these people - not because they didn't show up, but because in general they don't care. I am left with fewer friends now that I'm a mother, but my remaining friendships are good and strong ones, And I have developed friendships with my parents and in-laws that weren't there before. They showed up for the party, helped me get everything ready, and were as excited as I was.

   posted by : MomofBeans on 10/20/2008 at 6:57 AM Flag For Abuse

2. That was a beautiful essay, and you are clearly a great friend. However, don't beat yourself up about this. It is absolutely unrealistic to expect out-of-towners to come to every single event; even milestone ones. When my niece was born (the first grandchild) in a faraway state, everyone came to see her shortly after she was born, and most came--not only to her 1st birthday, but to her 2nd and 3rd as well. My baby just turned one. And no out-of-town relatives were able to come. And you know what? It was just fine with me. You have to accept that people have lives, limited time & funds to travel, and it's just not reasonable to expect people to drop everything to celebrate your little one. So seriously, don't feel bad!

   posted by : antionette on 10/20/2008 at 10:36 AM Flag For Abuse

3. Lovely essay. I can relate to what MomofBeans wrote in re losing some old friends after becoming a mom. Some people just couldn't be "bothered" anymore - they were stuck in their self-centered 20something ways and quit reaching out to me (despite my sincere attempts to reach out to them.) What frosted me about some of the gals is that these were the same women who thought nothing of having me shell out $200 (in grad school) on foofy bridesmaid dresses and $50 on unflattering hair styles for their big days. Anyway... new friendships develop and produce lots of joy. I am a little rattled by your friend's mom's reaction, though. Pretty harsh for a GRANDMA!! Jeez. Of course I'm basing this on a comparison of my own mom/MIL and their overt affection for my offspring. I would've been hurt, too, ten years ago when I threw my eldest his first b-day party. You are a good friend and your observations about their gelling into a family unit are great. Thanks!

   posted by : BBBGMOM on 10/20/2008 at 11:25 AM Flag For Abuse

4. Whenever I am invited to a child's first birthday party I always bring a present for the mom and dad AND the kid. Labor is often a difficult and painful experience and parenting is HARD WORK. Like the author, I like to recognize the anniversary of the mother's physical sacrifice and accomplishment in giving birth and the parents' success in raising a happy and healthy child.

   posted by : 1 Jennifer in 80000000 on 10/20/2008 at 1:16 PM Flag For Abuse

5. Even well before I had my daughter, I knew of the first birthday as being a major event. I was always invited to my friend's children's firsts, but not to the subsequent ones (b/c I didn't have a child at the time) and I when I asked why this is what I was told: Traditionally, they exuberantly celebrate the baby's first birthday b/c once the baby makes it to one, they are less likely to die from infant diseases. I think now, as was said in other comments, it can be tied more into the celebration of this new life, this new personality, and the new family making it through the first year. It isn't for the baby - it's for the village raising the baby!

   posted by : JBH on 10/20/2008 at 3:13 PM Flag For Abuse

6. THis was great. I can relate to that collective sigh of relief when the baby makes it to one..it's officially when I quit lying my hand on his back all hours of the night to check the breathing, it's when I stopped freaking out about nearly all the mysterious conditions he might get..it's a birthday of triumph over all those nagging, stressful what-ifs..
   
   But, I'm sure she understood about your not coming. That grandma though? What a bitch!
   
   http://heyyourememberme.blogspot.com

   posted by : that girl on 10/20/2008 at 4:32 PM Flag For Abuse

7. I have been agonizing over whether or not to have a party for my daughter's first b-day because i'm afraid of the same happening to us. We have NO family nearby and only a couple of friends locally with kids and I just can't put myself in the position to be embarassed or disappointed if we have a weak turnout. However, this article makes me want to do it for all of us as a group, to celebrate the year we've had and to thank our friends for sticking by us. I just wish I could include a copy of this essay in the invites!!!!

   posted by : lucykrieger on 10/20/2008 at 5:25 PM Flag For Abuse

8. When my first baby came home -- a surprise, last-minute adoption -- my mom told me the rule of thumb that with every two-month milestone, life with baby will get easier. At two months old babies (hopefully) outgrow colic and will get onto some sort of (though maybe not perfect) sleeping schedule; by four months they're able to grab at toys and play on the floor for a minute; at six months they're sitting (and maybe sleeping, too); at eight they're crawling and can at least entertain themselves for 20 seconds while you walk to the fridge for a bottle. Between 8 and 12 months, you start hearing their own little voices and recognizing that there's a person in there, not just a tiny (perfect though she may be) little blob of needs. That's what I wanted to celebrate at one year:
   "Here's my little person."
   And yes, Dadda and I wanted to celebrate being a family, too. And that our baby survived that first (as mentioned above) stressful and fraught year.
   Thanks for the essay.

   posted by : shane on 10/20/2008 at 6:30 PM Flag For Abuse

9. Thank you for realizing what the first birthday is about! Especially for a woman like your friend who survived such a harrowing pregnancy and first year. Just because a 1-year-old doesn't know exactly what's going on doesn't mean that loved ones can't gather to spend one lousy afternoon enjoying that little person and toasting the newly-hazed parents.
   
   And even though they didn't know the meaning of it all, both of my daughters LOVED their first birthday parties. I pulled out all the stops on both, hostess-wise, and yet I loved every minute of them too. I was lucky enough that dear friends and family cared -- and understood -- enough to make the trip.

   posted by : MyFunnyFunnyFamily on 10/20/2008 at 9:20 PM Flag For Abuse

10. The essay was lovely but I disagree with the notion that a one year old doesn't find any pleasure in a birthday party. No, 1 year olds don't know what birthdays are. Because it's their first. But everything they do is a first. If we stop showing them new things, how else will they learn?
    
    When my daughter turned one I didn't plan an elaborate party. It was grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. 15 people all together. And she loved it. All the people she loves was there. Showering her with attention. She got a tricycle (the one with a stick on the back so you can push them around). And she sat on this in her birthday dress, beaming with pride. Opening presents was fun (at least the first three, the rest we let the cousins open) She ate hotdogs for the first time. (with both hands!), homemade pizza muffins (another first) and even got a piece of chocholate cake. The party was from 14-17. And that night when she was supposed to go to bed at seven o clock she couldn't stop "talking". She lay in bed laughing and babbling to her self, untill she finally fell a sleep after an hour.
    
    I have no doubt in my mind that she had a lovely day. Childhood is not a waiting period untill they grow up and become more like us. Children can have fun, and find joy in experiencing new things as long as it's done on their level.

    posted by : Oslogirl on 10/21/2008 at 5:28 AM Flag For Abuse

11. oh gosh that was beautiful. and it was something of a relief to hear from others who lost friends after that first year with the baby. what made me start tearing up was that the writer acknowledged how HARD that first year was for so many of us. I had undiagnosed depression on top of everything else and it wasn't until I came out of the fog that the anger over my lost friends started. that first birthday, to me, is more for the parents than for the baby. and to have loved ones acknowledge that you just climbed the equivalent of a personal mt. everest meant everything.

    posted by : sfwork on 10/21/2008 at 2:53 PM Flag For Abuse

12. this is a lovely article! thank you.

    posted by : Kit_n_Kumari on 10/21/2008 at 3:04 PM Flag For Abuse

13. A dear friend told me as we were struggling to decide how to celebrate our baby's first, "This is a party to celebrate the fact that YOU made it through the first year." I took this advice to heart. We made it though what the author so vividly describes. Congratulations to all moms and dads celebrating their first year!
    
    PS Nice to hear from another adoptive mom out there!

    posted by : camamma on 10/21/2008 at 6:34 PM Flag For Abuse

14. Great essay - the best gift you could give your friend.

    posted by : NoMoreToys on 11/19/2008 at 8:10 PM Flag For Abuse

15. Was i suppose to cry??? I missed something.
    
    Yeah, is messed up that her mother didn't want to come, or her aunt, or her best friend (you).
    
    I say don't beat yourself up over it. you had work (or whatever plans you had).
    
    But if I were her, i wouldn't sweat it.
    
    You know who is there for you and who isn't. You have to think about how close she actually is with her mother if she didnt want to come to her first grandson's 1st birthday. They must not be that close.
    
    
    SO when you know people are there for you like that, you move on.
    
    1st birthdays are for the parent anyways (let's be honest ladies).
    
    I wouldn't even hold it against anyone.
    
    I would have my party if it were just me, my baby and that man that donated sperm (my husband) and that corney snowman cake. More cake for us!
    
    
    When you get married and then have kids, you're forming a family. you have to take care of your family first. the rest of them (mom, auntie, selfish best friend, joke) can go suck it.
    
    
    But i'm also a lot tougher and have no problem cutting off fat meat.

    posted by : ZBecks on 12/3/2008 at 6:11 PM Flag For Abuse

16. It's interesting that you figured out what the party was for but she didn't. She was hurt because she thought people didn't want to come because they didn't like her baby enough. It was just be better in my opinion to have We Survived the First Year parties, no gifts necessary than first birthday parties. Why have a party for someone who has no idea what's going on? Sadly because she said/thought it was her baby's party and not hers and the dad's party, other people had that same thought. They didn't come because the guest of honor wouldn't enjoy it - if they had thought your friend was the guest of honor maybe they would have come.
    
    (also in the parties for babies to young to enjoy parties - some people think it's just a tacky bid for gifts.)

    posted by : mchaos on 1/17/2009 at 7:31 PM Flag For Abuse