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It's not so much a question of responsibility as the reality that more risk has fallen onto individual families. Our parents were able to buy a house, take vacations, and save for retirement (supplemented by pensions) because their medical, insurance and cost of living expenses were vastly less.
Recommended reading: "Not Keep Up With Our Parents: The Decline of the Professional Middle Class" by Nan Mooney.
That said, we are looking at a similar situation down the road. We are happy to help out our folks, but the timing, just when we seriously need to start planning for retirement and college expenses for our daughter (15 months), keeps us up at night.
posted by : NoHo Mom on 11/17/2008 at 11:53 AM Flag For Abuse
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"Sometimes I want to ask her why she's not working more, but the words never come out."
Congratulations, you've asked her now -- in print, in front of thousands of people. I'm sure she's going to feel just great reading about what a burden you find you to be and how you fantasize about a life without her.
I know I was impressed.
posted by : MotherofThree on 11/17/2008 at 12:55 PM Flag For Abuse
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I too was puzzled by the admission about wondering why mom/grandma doesn't work more... perhaps you took literary license and embellished? Perhaps your mom already knows that you wonder about this? Because if she finds out for the first time in this essay? Not classy.
My mother has lived with us for months at a time and at other times we have paid her rent and she has watched our kids. It can be tough and awkward for sure. But the grandmother-grandchild relationship really is about the most beautiful bond I've ever beheld.
posted by : BBBGMOM on 11/17/2008 at 2:56 PM Flag For Abuse
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Such a good lesson: the best way to help your children in the future is to plan for your own retirement. That means having insurance. That means being able to support yourself, man or woman.
posted by : Joanie on 11/17/2008 at 3:40 PM Flag For Abuse
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I'm all for people procreating as much as they like, but at some point don't you have to ask yourself if the financial demands of three children shouldn't have been factored in before they became realities in your lives? And since when do kids get everything on their Christmas lists?
posted by : stlmom on 11/17/2008 at 3:41 PM Flag For Abuse
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Am I the only one who has difficulty mustering up sympathy for the financial hardships of freelance writers? How much would I love to be a freelance writer? Very much indeed. Why don't I do it? Apart from a lack of skill, I know it doesn't pay the bills. Instead I have a boring tedious job that keeps a roof over my head.
posted by : notfeelingit on 11/17/2008 at 3:57 PM Flag For Abuse
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I feel for you and your family and all the other families in this country that are in the same situation. Since Thanksgiving is coming up maybe you should focus on being thankful that your children have their grandmother so close, they actually enjoy being with her and they don't have to be in daycare.
I also applaud you for sticking it out financially and staying at home with your children. I know that my family would have things much "easier" if I were to go back to work full time, but the time you and your mom have with them is priceless.
Try to remain optimistic and make every penny count. Yes we can! : )
posted by : merrymommy on 11/17/2008 at 4:06 PM Flag For Abuse
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your article was touching...but isn't it just a tiny bit irresponsible to have had more kids while worried about this? I know lots of working poor have several children for many reasons (belief they are a gift from god, lack of knowledge or will to use birth control...all valid for what they are worth) but the author doesn't seem to be of this ilk...
the bit about wanting your mom to work more is fine...in fact, if she is able-bodied she SHOULD work, full time...or at the very least your baby-sitting requests should be in no way considered an imposition...there is no way you should have to pay for childcare, that's for sure, if she isn't working full time
just my 2 cents
you are a more giving person than me!
posted by : greedybeyotch on 11/17/2008 at 4:08 PM Flag For Abuse
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I can sympathize. We have one 2 year old and another baby on the way. my momo just moved in with us a few months ago. Our place is tiny, there is no separate in-law apt in the back. I'd give anything to have that in our situation! The grand plan is for my mom to get her own place, but in the meantime, she works the hours she can physically handle and then helps out with our daughter and with cooking a lot. Sometimes she drives me nuts, but her relationship with my daughter is so surprisingly wonderful, that I am glad they are getting this time to live together so closely. I think being a mom myself has made me way more sympathetic to my mom. I do hope she can find her own apt nearby soon, soon, soon, BUT, I know she's doing her best and so are we and we are family after all. Perhaps if your mom can't contribute much financially, you could have a schedule where she takes care of the kids more often, especially the oldest two, to give you more time to write or do household stuff.
posted by : 3gentoo on 11/17/2008 at 4:12 PM Flag For Abuse
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Why did you choose to have a third child when you could barely afford two? It doesn't sound to me like you're making such great and responsible choices as compared to your parents. I also don't see why you can't just sit down with your mom and discuss what her contributions to the family should be, as you are a team and in it together... right? Why you chose to take your grievances public and whine to strangers instead of discussing the problems with your mother is just beyond me.
Grow up.
posted by : Strange Choices on 11/17/2008 at 5:23 PM Flag For Abuse
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I remember going to a lecture by a financial planner on estate planning and he described anyone with children who didn't have a will or life insurance as "pond scum." That night I went home and told my husband we had to get off our butts and get going on this. My daughter was one and a half and I was pregnant. That week we spent $450 on a lawyer to get a will done, and both got physicals to get life insurance. Now I can sleep at night, knowing that if I die, the house will be paid off and my husband will have enough to hire a nanny to help him raise our children, and vice versa. If we both die, the will states the children are to be raised by their aunt, and they will have enough money to go to university. Please, everyone, let this author's story scare you the way I was scared that day in the lecture. Get life insurance, today!
posted by : VancouverMama on 11/17/2008 at 5:31 PM Flag For Abuse
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I would give anything to have my Mom around to live with me and my children. Again... Grow up and realize how good you have it.
posted by : EC on 11/17/2008 at 5:32 PM Flag For Abuse
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Why did she choose this forum to air her grievances? Because Babble.com PAID her. I honestly have ZERO sympathy for anyone who whines about living in a ramshackle house and that proceeds to pop out baby #3.
I am dying inside to have another baby (we have 1 daughter, 4) but I know what a tremendous financial strain -- and emotional strain - it would place on my family. So what do I do? I got an IUD. I pay off my debt. ANd hope that in a couple of years I can AFFORD another baby.
posted by : MomInNC on 11/17/2008 at 6:04 PM Flag For Abuse
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Why doesn't mom work more?
Since you can't be bothered to ask her yourself (writing an article slamming her and painting yourself as the victim is, after all, much more profitable than conversation), I'll go ahead and do some speculation for you.
You said that she doesn't have professional skills, which leaves her with slim pickings in this tough job market, especially as a woman over 60. You might have noticed, back when you had plenty of disposable income, that boutiques don't employ an abundance of middle-aged and older women, and with the economy going straight downhill, they can pretty much take their pick from the huge pool of unemployed workers. Elderly women? Not so much at the top of their list.
Furthermore, retail sales are plummeting month-by-month. You might have read that last month, retail sales fell by a stunning margin, the steepest plunge ever recorded. People simply don't have the money to buy unessential crap right now, so retailers react by cutting their workforce, cutting their hours of operation, and cutting the hours that each employee is given. It could be that your mother is begging for more hours, but they simply aren't available -- not for her, and not for anyone else.
posted by : Knitty on 11/17/2008 at 6:10 PM Flag For Abuse
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These hard economic times are difficult for most families. I find your article insulting on several levels, but mainly because the author seems to believe she is entitled to a life "better" than the one she has. Somehow she finds it decent to complain on this very public forum about having a healthy family and a roof over her head and a loving mom willing to babysit and work to contribute what she can to help out. My offense may be owing to the fact that in my culture, it is a given that grown children will help to support their elderly parents. However, I am more American than anything, and I am still bothered by the author's tone. She clearly considers her mother a burden, and assumes that her life would have been so different (and better) if her parents had made more "responsible" decisions and had her father not imposed on her with his dying. Life is difficult, and nothing is guaranteed. And about getting her daughters everything on their Christmas wishlists? Having more babies when she can barely afford the two kids she already had? Working freelance when she herself could be "working more"? Is that what she thinks is "responsible" parenting? Sounds like she has it better than many. Stop complaining, and be thankful and show some respect for what you do have.
posted by : Incredulous on 11/17/2008 at 7:03 PM Flag For Abuse
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Although, I did agree with those of you wondering why the author kept having more children, when she couldn't afford them ...the more I thought about it, why should she have to put her growing family on hold just to support her mother?? I mean, I grew up with an Alcoholic/Gambling father that would have left us for homeless with his ways. If my mother didn't have 3 jobs scrubbing toilets for a living, to support us, we would have been on the streets.
Fast forward years later, my mama now owns 2 houses, fully paid off & when my father died 2 years ago, she was totally able to look after herself. It's called hard work people.
My husband's mother on the other hand, doesn't work and has her 5 sons supporting her. Which frustruates me, when her sons all have their own families & are trying to get ahead in life, but somehow they all have to come up with huge checks here and there for her.
Since the author has to support her mother, when did you all expect her to have her children, her mother might live another 20 years, and by then the authors eggs could dry up! Lighten up people. Im sure in the grand scheme of things, she is very grateful for her life and the people in it...BUT...looking after 3 generations, can be tough...give her break.
posted by : Zina Z on 11/17/2008 at 7:52 PM Flag For Abuse
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I agree with EC...my mom died when I was 14. To walk across the driveway (!!!) to ask her to babysit would be a blessing I can't even imagine.
I too wonder about the author's choice of professions. If Grandma is around to help with childcare, perhaps both parents should be working as much as possible, and if the job market is tough, then go back to school and get additional training.
posted by : not that sympathetic on 11/17/2008 at 9:01 PM Flag For Abuse
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notfeelingit--I earn more as a freelance writer per hour than I did before I left the full time workforce. If I went back to work full time outside of the house, I'd earn more, total, than I make with my part time freelancing...but after childcare and gas, it would be less.
At any rate, I too, would suggest using Grandma as childcare. You can't pay someone to love your kids--you'll know they are safe and happy and loved and you can concentrate more on work. And grandma can contribute to the household doing something she does well and enjoys.
I wouldn't want it to happen under the same circumstances (both Dad and FIL are still thankfully alive) but I do wish MIL or Mom was available to sit! I could work more hours and earn much more than I do know if I had reliable and free childcare even just two or three hours a day.
posted by : CaliMama on 11/17/2008 at 9:12 PM Flag For Abuse
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I got in a huge fight with my friends when i suggested that the family in Obama's infomercial were irresponsible for having 4 children then complaining about leading a hard life. My friends all turned on me which forced me to look at things from their perspective. I realized that the great thing about America is that you have the right to choose. I chose to have just one child so that I can still travel, eat out and buy nice things. Others choose to have big families. Therefore they should not be bitter that they can't eat out etc. I am trying to not be bitter that I will only have one child.
posted by : kiwichic on 11/17/2008 at 9:25 PM Flag For Abuse
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My mom is dead and never had the chance to meet my children, let alone babysit for them. I would give anything to have her back and in my home.
posted by : nomomtocomplainabout on 11/17/2008 at 10:14 PM Flag For Abuse
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Sounds like there are a lot of bitter people on this panel. Are you people all on your periods or something? Anyway, a lot of crazy things happen everyday and we are not capable of preventing those things from happening sometimes. Telling a grown person that the reason they are a little unhappy or irritable because they had 3 kids instead of one is just plain rude. If you want your child to grow up lonely with no other siblings to play with or have look up to them, that is your business. The author of this article just wrote what a lot of family members are all thinking--it is hard to take care of another family member and sometimes it gets so bad you do have regrets for helping them. Until all you Debbie Downers on this post actually step into the author's shoes and walk around in them, please don't judge.
posted by : patra on 11/17/2008 at 11:22 PM Flag For Abuse
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Hat's off to Patra!!! I hope that any of you "holier than thou, why don't you make better choices" folks actually have life happen to you. Wanna hear God laugh? Tell him your plans.
How 'bout this? Yes, it bites to be the sandwich generation, and three generations, supporting 'em all. You know what? It sucks! hard! But she's doing it, her and her man. Hat's off to you, ms author, because you are doing the work. You have 5 more minutes on the pity pot, then it's back to the grind. Because you can do it, are doing it. Nothing worth doing was ever easy.
BTW-I am working it with four. Mother in law, grown kids and grandkids. This was NOT the life I was expecting, and sometimes I feel downright sorry for myself too. but it passes. Hope I never run into any of YOU when I'm down. sheesh
posted by : lalahem on 11/17/2008 at 11:52 PM Flag For Abuse
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Well, lalasem/patra, it might be better to run into unsympathetic strangers baffled by your poor choices and whining than it would be to have a daughter who assassinates your character online in order to make a few bucks. It's pretty sad to see someone so lacking in honor that she's willing to make her living writing article after article (this isn't her first, Google her name) about how horrible it is to have her mother living with her.
I call 'em like I see 'em, and this person? Is revolting.
posted by : MotherofThree on 11/18/2008 at 12:05 AM Flag For Abuse
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Yeah, it's pretty harsh of us to think you should be able to AFFORD your children before pumping them out one after another after another. We all must be pretty biter to be enjoying lives we can afford because we chose to have the number of children our income levels allow for! All this personal responsibility, it's so silly. Hold on and I'll find something to write a selfish, whiny bitchfest about -- maybe about my father, for being so thoughtless to die before it was convenient for me.
posted by : OMFG on 11/18/2008 at 12:14 AM Flag For Abuse
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You're lucky to still have your mom with you, to help you take care of your kids and have the joy of seeing them through her eyes. I wish my mom was still here (difficult though our relationship was at times). If this article is the first time you've aired your grievances about your mom to her face, you'll be lucky if she doesn't move out and leave you to your own devices. You owe her an apology.
posted by : More Anon on 11/18/2008 at 1:14 AM Flag For Abuse
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If I can say it without being personal, I was thinking pretty much what incredulous was. I think people of our generation in the U.S. grow up buying into some sort of Madison Avenue picture of what being part of a family is all about.
Look back 50 years or so and you'll see a generation of Americans who fully expected to be working from the moment they were able, and to be supporting elderly parents and other, farther flung relatives for as long as they could. I'm not saying they were ideal human beings, but they definitely had a different set of values. They believed in an idea of self sacrifice for the good of the family, and at the expense of the individual. I doubt a young couple starting out would have been going to the city's best restaurants every week. If they had extra money, they'd be squirreling it away toward a house - or using it to help a younger sibling through school. Maybe people had less fun then, or maybe their idea of fun was different.
It's not that that attitude has disappeared in the U.S.- you still see teenagers dropping out of school to work and help their families - but it no longer seems to be the prevailing mindset.
posted by : catmom on 11/18/2008 at 1:32 AM Flag For Abuse
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Of course, there are many blessings that come with having my Mom live with us and I've written about those as well (here's one such article). This essay was focused on the financial aspects of our choice. My Mom and I both appreciate the pros and cons of our situation. I wouldn't have made the choice if I didn't love my mom and I wouldn't stay in the situation if it was all bad. But relationships are complex and this is just one aspect of our relationship. Anyway, I'm glad it sparked lively debate. Thanks for your comments.
posted by : Shelley Abreu on 11/18/2008 at 6:43 AM Flag For Abuse
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If the situation feels difficult now, wait until Grandma is elderly and requires serious medical care and/or assistance with daily routines such as transportation, bathing, meal preparation and consumption, cleaning, etc.
Will there be enough money in Grandma's or the author's accounts to cover these services? Will the author and her husband have enough time to fully manage Grandma's care without deeply compromising their careers (upon which kids and Grandma depend), their marriage, or their attention to their children? What are the options? What plans can be made?
Now is unfortunately the golden time. Which means now is also the time to have long, frank conversations about the above.
posted by : hand on 11/18/2008 at 9:25 AM Flag For Abuse
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I make much less as a freelancer than I did working full-time, but I get to be a much fuller part of my daughter's life. I love it, even though the juggle is hard and has taken a huge toll on our social life, as I often work on the weekends when my husband is home, as well as many evenings during the week. And we are not lucky enough to have any family who can help with childcare: my dad is dead, my mom and MIL are not physically able to help the few times per year that they visit, and my FIL would never offer nor be capable of childcare. I am terrified that my MIL or FIL will end up living with us after a health catastrophe, as neither has long-term care insurance. We already took care of my dad during five and a half years of illness, and I honestly don't think I can do it again.
Either ask your mom to work more hours, or ask her to babysit on a regular schedule so you can, and continue to be grateful for all the plusses of your delicate juggle.
posted by : restonmom on 11/18/2008 at 9:31 AM Flag For Abuse
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Heartbreaking.
Of course we must care for our families. But is it treason to admit that her father's failure to buy life insurance has fundamentally changed her financial situation in the medium term? I can understand why she chose to have another child too. Our fertility has limits. We all know people who regret not having additional children and realize that obstacles that seemed insurmountable during the childbearing years were, in fact, not. I hope to never become a financial burden on my children if I can in any way avoid it.
posted by : Currish on 11/18/2008 at 1:05 PM Flag For Abuse
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What I don't understand is why the author views her mother as a burden, but not her children? Aren't both generations equally expensive?
The author is sad about the fact that the daughter can't have dance lessons. Doesn't the mother have any desires? And does the author feel bad for not fulfilling those?
We have a responsibility towards future generations, but what about the ones who raised us?
Why resentment towards the mother but not the children? I feel sad about the fact that we consider our children as a huge part of ourselves but not our parents.
Has the author considered why her father did not have a better financial plan? Maybe he was stretched too thin trying to take care of his daughter? Maybe he never made enough money in the first place? Whatever the reasons, he raised his children well, and shouldn't that be enough for him to get some affection/financial care?
posted by : IDoNotUnderstand on 11/18/2008 at 4:12 PM Flag For Abuse
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This grandmother is too young to be semi-retired. She doesn't have the right to sponge off of her daughter and son-in-law and jeopardizing their future, just because she was too lazy to provide for her own.
My own mother is 62. She has health issues, including having had heart surgery a year and a half ago. She owns her home, free and clear, and still works full time, as well as caring for my disabled niece. No, we don't force her to do this. She will retire in a few years, with full retirement benefits, as well as health insurance for life. She is not rich, either. She simply believes in being self-sufficient, for as long as she can be. She has plenty of life insurance and my niece is going to be provided for very well, should anything happen to Mom. (I will be supervising Niece as well.)
You all can blather on about how horrible the author of this blog is, but the truth is, that the author's mother should be ashamed of herself.
posted by : MrsDaisy on 11/18/2008 at 6:33 PM Flag For Abuse
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Um, Patra, what makes you think that being an only child is a recipe for loneliness and deprivation? I have no brothers or sisters, so my parents gave me all their attention, provided me with everything I needed and wanted (within good, firm limits), and made sure I had plenty of playmates and social activities.
Ok, I never had anyone "look up to me". Whatever. I have that now, in the form of my students. I also never had anyone steal or ruin my things, tell me horrible lies to make me afraid or cry, hold me down and make me eat grass (or dirt, or soap, or worms), or who required that I babysit or look after. All those things happened to people I know who grew up with siblings.
I *also* will be shouldering the entire responsibility of caring for my parents when they age, just as my mother did, and I am already grateful that I will not have to endlessly bicker or plead with any siblings for assistance. I will be doing it all myself; which, because I was raised all by myself, suits me--and them--just fine.
posted by : Ev on 11/18/2008 at 7:00 PM Flag For Abuse
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Well, MrsDaisy, I guess you've missed the news about the current and growing-by-the-day recession. I suppose when YOU lose your job and are forced to accept the kindness of strangers for your survival, you'll recognize yourself as a burden to society and commence with the shame for your laziness. Because there's no other reason why someone wouldn't be working full-time except for laziness! Please keep that in mind as this recession deepens into a Depression.
posted by : OMFG on 11/18/2008 at 10:27 PM Flag For Abuse
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Oh please! You know exactly what I meant.
This situation started way before the current economic crisis, so your argument doesn't hold water. Yes, the current market doesn't help, but there are still jobs out there. Not the best ones, but they are there. The mother could help with childcare, too, or do other things to help out. She is not even retirement age, for cripes sake.
This is a case of a mother taking advantage of her daughter, IMHO.
Look, if there was a tragic event or job loss and my MIL or Mom needed help, we would help them. As they would help us. That is what decent people do. However, I realize the difference between that and what the author's mother is doing. Just because someone is over the age of 55, doesn't mean they are some innocent little old lady.
Thankfully, my mom has savings and is prepared, just in case she has a "rainy day". She did not require that me and my brother and sister, be her retirement fund and pay for her entire existence at the age of 61. I come from a line of folks who believe in being as self-sufficient, for as long as they can be.
But, you keep on with your view and feel sorry for someone who should have helped herself a long time ago, and I will keep on with my view that she is taking advantage of her daughter. We can agree to disagree. Peace.
posted by : MrsDaisy on 11/19/2008 at 8:17 AM Flag For Abuse
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in response to the readers commenting that the writer shouldn't have had a 3rd baby if she couldn't afford it:
the problem with american culture these days is that our priorities are mixed up. the joys of having another family member far outweigh the joys of cable tv or whatever luxuries you can afford if you limit the number of children you have. stuff like cable TV and dance lessons is what we're talking about here, not something that really matters like feeding one's family or being able to go to the doctor.
posted by : phillymom on 11/19/2008 at 10:06 AM Flag For Abuse
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Phillymom--with you all the way, except that when one make the joyous choice to procreate, one ought not to whine about being unable to afford some of the nice things that less-blessed families enjoy. The author seems to have missed this point, so she comes across as petulant and out of touch with reality.
posted by : just saying on 11/19/2008 at 1:30 PM Flag For Abuse
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Actually, there's lots of good reasons to limit the number of children we have, starting with the fact that this world is vastly overpopulated and we're exhausting our natural resources. This is doubly true if you're an American, as we use far more of the most limited resources than other countries. This is triply true if your idea of "deprivation" is your children not getting every single thing on their Christmas list.
Reading articles like this one always unsettle me because it's clear just how many parents are setting their children up with unrealistic expectations for what their future affluence levels will be. The best thing we can do for our kids is live below our means and teach our little ones that "stuff" doesn't matter -- friends and family do.
posted by : Knitty on 11/19/2008 at 1:42 PM Flag For Abuse
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Guess what, folks: babies happen. Even to people who weren't planning on them. Even to people who were using birth control properly.
It's hardly irresponsible to make room for an unexpected third child and make the best of the situation. Not buying life insurance when you know that your wife has no marketable skills...well, that's a different story.
posted by : no one on 11/19/2008 at 2:08 PM Flag For Abuse
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I just can't even imagine anyone ever thinking they could support a household of six people, a large dog, and three homes, with only ONE adult of 3 working full-time.
The couple bought a second home, (her mother's house,) and then took out another mortgage to build a detached third home. And they are now suddenly wondering why they're stretched for cash. Really?
And the idea that the couple "bought" the home from Mother and then gifted her with free rent .
There are other options, such, oh, say, as selling the second home they bought. Mother can take in a room-mate. Or have Mother move-out into a less-expensive place, or a into a place with room-mates (i.e., a place she can afford to live), and rent out the detached apartment. Mother working full-time so "contributing what she can" amounts to more more than her few boutique hours. The author working full-time.
But I those options are simply not their choices. The daughter writes that because her mother raised her, that her mother "earned the right" to work less. Even though Mother can, Daughter does not want her to.
They choose 3 homes. They choose 3 children. They choose 1 full time job. So, of course they will live with their choices, as we all do.
posted by : whaddyaknow on 11/19/2008 at 6:22 PM Flag For Abuse
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I think that the people judging the author so harshly perhaps have never been in a similar situation themselves. I had three grandparents and a granduncle living with my parents and myself at various times in a small three bedroom ranch house. The elder generation were all on limited incomes so my parents helped support them. Yes, it was nice to have close relationships with my grandparents, but I grew up in a very elder-centered household. As they got older and needed more care, they took up most of my mother's time. I did not do many activities as a child either, and it was a lonely existance. I spent more time in doctors waiting rooms than I did playing outside or with other kids. My parents and grandparents all did their very best in a tough situation, but it's not the life that I want to provide for my own kids. I do think that my mother will end up living with us in a few years though, so when that time comes we'll figure it out. I hope if it comes to that I'll be able to balance and care for my mother and still be able to save for college and have a home where my kids can make noise and have fun. It's so easy to be judgemental, but it's not so easy to balance the needs of elderly relatives and young children at the same time under the same roof.
posted by : l on 11/19/2008 at 9:15 PM Flag For Abuse
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Wow, I am a little surprised about all the judgmental comments here. I'll admit, this article does seem a tiny bit whiny, but let's give Ms. Abreu a little slack, people. She has a new baby!! Let me tell you, I was feeling sorry for myself when my third was a month old. Just because a person is not on the verge of destitution does not mean she doesn't deserve a bit of sympathy in a difficult situation.
posted by : Rebecca2 on 11/22/2008 at 7:44 PM Flag For Abuse
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I wonder how many of you grew up in a multi-generational environment? Even though it can be wonderful, it's really challenging when a parent moves back in with you and depends on you for financial, emotional, or physical help. Like "l" above, I grew up with my grandfather living with us after he experienced a stroke when I was 12. It was a 1500-sq-foot, 2 bd/1 bath home that was way too small for a disabled grandparent, two parents, and two growing girls. It definitely took a toll on my father's health and my mom's emotional well-being. Yes, our civilization has been doing it for years, but NOT with the medical advances we have today. If my parents or my in-laws need our help or need to move in with us, I know my husband and I will jump to offer it, but I hope they never need it.
The New York Times had an interesting link about talking to your parents about their financial stability, btw. I can't find that link, but here's another about draining one's finances to take care of a parent (luckily the author of Babble's article doesn't seem to have to worry about home health care for her mom, but I throw it in there anyway): http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/30/us/30support.html?_r=1&oref=slogin .
posted by : WasAGrandchild on 11/23/2008 at 7:38 PM Flag For Abuse
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My grandmother always lived with us in our 2-family home. While I'm sure it wasn't always fun for my mom (the daughter-in-law), my grandmother helped us by babysitting, cooking, and cleaning. My dad never asked for rent. My grandmother babysat other children to make extra money to support herself. This was in the 70s, so I guess money went a little farther then. My grandmother lived in there until she died at 102. My father did not want to put her in a nursing home.
It was really tough for my mother, as she did most of the caretaking of my grandma. But as a family, we take care of each other. My grandmother raised her family alone after the death of my grandfather. My father took care of her for the rest of her life. I will take care of my parents whenever and however long they need it, just as they have always loved and taken care of me. That's what life is. We may whine about it sometimes, but we wouldn't have it any other way.
I have taken many vacations and eaten many dinners, but what I remember and miss more is my grandma. I don't know if I would have bonded with her as much if I hadn't grown up living with her.
posted by : lilmissyny on 11/23/2008 at 9:34 PM Flag For Abuse
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I feel for this author, whole-heartedly. I thought I was the only person to feel this way.
Just after having my own child, as a single mom, my single mother was diagnosed as terminal. I moved into the home I grew up in, bought it and now care for all three generations, on my own. I never wanted my mother to have to move from the house she had spent 40+ years in.
That was over 8 years ago. My mother is still with us, going strong. I know that I am blessed to have my mother help to raise my daughter. But it is very - very - hard to be paying for someone else's financial irresponsibility with a smile, each and everyday. Due to her willy-nilly spending, I work 3 jobs to make the mortgage, her medical expenses and utilities. Any thing extra we need, like groceries, I have to work extra to pay for.
I promised my mother that she would never have to leave her home. She is a tremendous help with my little girl. But I am resentful - Does that make me a bad person? Maybe. I think it makes me human.
I work hard as a high school teacher, a college lecturer and curriculum writer. I make more money that I ever thought I would. I also had to go to the food bank for milk last week. I alos had to cut down a pair of my own pants for my eight yr old to wear - she grew out of her long pants and its getting cold. If this makes me whine-y; then so be it.
I love my mother - I wouldnt wish her gone, but I do dream of a different life. I know where the author speaks from. Unless you do too, relax - your time may come all too soon.
posted by : h2o on 11/25/2008 at 12:26 AM Flag For Abuse
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I understand this situation. Why should the author have to stiffle her plans to have another baby, that she can afford if not her her mother not holding up her end? The mother is not the author's child. How would this be different if the mother came to live with her when her children were on their way to college and that became a finicial burden? Would people be saying she should not have had a 3rd child knowing that this someday might be a possibility? I think this writer needs to live her life however she and her husband sees fit. I feel like this author would like to get her mom on her own and continue to live her life with her own family, and have her mom visit as any other mom/grandmother would in today's society. I think it is a different story if the author and husband were not able to afford the children but why should having to pay for her mother (when her mother should be independant, 61 remember ... not 91, stop them from continuing their family as they see fit. I would hate to see the article in 10 years when the mom is gone saying something like "my mom lived with us and we had to pay for her so we now regret NOT having children". These are the years you can never get back. Enjoy them while you can.
posted by : pissed at prople making judgemen on 2/13/2009 at 2:34 PM Flag For Abuse
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You know the fact of the matter is the author does not know what her parents might have sacrificed finacially for her education, wedding. And neither do any of you. What if her father was self employed. We all know how expensive insurance can be. And this woman stayed home to care for her children she does probably has no career skills or may not have finished college herself. Her mother grew up in a very different time. Americans are so selfish. My inlaws who are european lived with with family when they first got married. And both of my grandmothers took in their mother-in-laws when they were older. I know I would take in my mother. As much as she has sacrificed for me and my brother. And it is the daughter that feels like she is imposing on her mother. But got the feeling that the mother enjoyed caring for her grandchildren. If it were the other way around her parents would not think twice taking them in.
posted by : take care of family on 5/20/2009 at 1:09 AM Flag For Abuse
