feedback for "Bad Parent: Sorry, Can't Make It"
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"We've traded the "are we there yet" chorus for Handel's 'Messiah.'"
I am profoundly jealous, and also very inspired! Christmas has been ruined by my family year after year. What was once my favorite holiday has become a source of stress and anxiety. Last year my father got drunk on Christmas Eve and totally destroyed my daughter's first Christmas. This year, we're travelling down to my in-laws: two adults, a toddler, and two dogs. What the hell is wrong with me that I can't just say "no??"
Like I said, though, I am inspired by this essay. It was really great! Next year, I am putting my foot down. We will spend Christmas in our own home. No parties, no foolishness, and you know what, I'm seriously thinking about not getting presents for anyone outside of our immediate family. There are just too many people and every year the sense of entitlement is more and more overwhelming. I want to take back Christmas and show my daughter why I used to love it so much. !
posted by : MomofBeans on 12/18/2008 at 7:49 AM Flag For Abuse
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This is bad parenting?
The summer our daughter was born, we announced to both families that we would no longer travel for Xmas. Family members are free to visit us, joining us and the one local set of grandparents. We rarely host more than six family members--and we never have more than one couple staying with us. It is peaceful (relatively!), and our daughter gets to enjoy our traditions in our own home.
Honestly, grandkids mean leverage. If anyone wants to see us, they can darn well be the ones to hop in the car!
posted by : SE on 12/18/2008 at 9:16 AM Flag For Abuse
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For forty years, holidays meant trips to my maternal grandparents' house, even the years after my grandfather passed away and my grandmother's ill health grew worse. The smell of my grandmother's cooking tortured us for hours as we waited for dinner. My grandparents, especially my grandmother, were so loving to us kids. (This was a refreshing change from my house.) No drunks, no Jerry Springer moments, no one lost an eye. As an adult I did begin to see the sometimes strained relationship between my mom and her sister. My male cousin and his wife and kid never showed up, I think they wanted to have their own tradition as the writer did. They would come by sometime in the next week to get their gifts at Christmas. Which was fine, though it did hurt my grandmother's feelings not to have the whole family there. Family was important to her for reasons that would take another entry.
My grandmother passed away in 2006 just before Thanksgiving. My mom, aunt, sister and niece and the last of my maternal cousins moved out of state. It's just me and my daughter. I was laid off in November, so her Christmas is the money I got selling a few things and she has to wait til the next day to spend it. I'm not shopping, I do have two boxes my mom sent to wrap. Been trying to watch tv specials, look at lights... I'm desperately trying to come up with some new tradition. I know the reason for the season, but honestly, for me, grandma was Christmas. Family was Christmas.
That said. Christmas shouldn't resemble medieval torture or bring up only hostile, painful memories. It should be a time of joy. Definitely spend it in ways that are joyful and that give your child/children peaceful, happy memories. Merry Christmas.
posted by : herself on 12/18/2008 at 9:29 AM Flag For Abuse
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I wholeheartedly agree with MomofBeans - this is NOT Bad Parenting by any stretch of the imagination. This is my daughter's first Xmas, and I'd like to have fond memories of us as a family rather than coming home and needing a vacation from my vacation. I'm even more of a scrooge in that I don't invite my family members (who live out of state) over. They are seriously a heap of dysfunction waiting to boil over. We drop by my husband's folks house for an afternoon for dinner and that's it.
posted by : MomofWynter on 12/18/2008 at 11:08 AM Flag For Abuse
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With us it's the opposite - I have hosted Thanksgiving and Christmas twice since my daughter was born, and both times I was exhausted. Rather than the grandparents 'helping', they just created extra work for my husband and myself. Plus my mother always overstays (8 days) and refuses to stay in a hotel - resulting in entire sections of our house being off limits to candid conversation. My husband and I feel like we are walking on eggshells the whole time. I'd made the hotel suggestion once before and it resulted in my mother holding a grudge for months because it meant that we were 'cold' and 'didn't love her'.
This year we are escaping to my sister-in-law's in Colorado and I am ecstatic. No planning, no cleaning, just traveling from LAX. The fact that this feels like a relief should tell you how stressful it was. I wish someone would create a workbook with scripts on how to set boundaries with extended family that we could all follow. Dr Phil, are you listening?
posted by : NoHo Mom on 12/18/2008 at 12:34 PM Flag For Abuse
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Well-written article and I whole-heartedly agreed... but what is it doing in Bad Parent?
posted by : MotherofThree on 12/18/2008 at 12:40 PM Flag For Abuse
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Loved this article. We are a family of 3 - our youngest will be enjoying his first xmas this year and we too have decided to go it alone this year
Thanks for making us feel less of a scrooge and more like good parents :)
posted by : val on 12/18/2008 at 1:52 PM Flag For Abuse
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Okay, I would totally agree with everyone. Holidays should not be an occasion of torture. But there is something to be said for giving the people who raised us the joy of seeing their grandchildren, if only for a day or two. Maybe every other holiday? I would just hate to think my daughter, when she's grown, would suddenly announce she's never spending the holidays at my house again and I'm welcome to stop by if I'd like. My in-laws can be really difficult, but isn't that part of the bargain of getting married?
posted by : Joanie on 12/18/2008 at 1:57 PM Flag For Abuse
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I can't fault the logic of this article, and heaven knows the holidays are incredibly stressful for all the reasons mentioned.
On the other hand - I don't know. I can see putting a lot of value on convenience, and privacy, the ability to hang out in your own home with your own comfy jeans. However, part of me thinks that to maintain connections with our family and friends, we may sometimes have to sacrifice a little of that comfort and convenience. Are these people who we'd rely on in a crisis, at the cost of some of their comfort and convenience? Are these the people who raised us well and kindly, sacrificing a little comfort and convenience in the process? Are these people who worry with us when we're worried, cry when we're sad, are invested in our lives?
If the answer to all of the above is 'no', then I wouldn't even think twice about staying home. However, if it's 'yes', I wonder if we get to keep all those connections at their current strength if we just opt out of traditions like holiday togetherness. It just makes me kind of sad to think of a family where everyone's said, "You know, it's too much bother for me to visit you, I'd much rather just hang around the house in my pajamas instead." How can such a family pull together when the chips are down?
posted by : diera on 12/18/2008 at 4:48 PM Flag For Abuse
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Ruling out attending other parties EVERY year is selfish. I was on board with this writer up until she stated:
“We haven't shut out the family entirely. My parents and my husband's are welcome to drop in on Christmas Day, along with my brother.
They can personally watch their granddaughter open her gifts without distraction, eliciting the thank you she's been well trained to offer up in exchange. They can join hands with us around a small feast that we've cooked in our own kitchen.”
This article is not about having a sane Christmas. Or a happy one. It’s about what SHE wants. Clearly this author thinks she and her daughter are the only ones celebrating Christmas (or at least the only ones that matter). And that I can’t applaud that.
There’s nothing wrong with putting your immediate family first - sometimes. But expressly saying you will never make the effort and that family must always come to you, eat in your home and share your traditions is selfish.
Sometimes you should sacrifice the comfort and ease of your own traditions and your own desires to let others celebrate in the ease of THEIR homes with THEIR traditions. Isn’t Christmas supposed to be the one time of year where we put aside our “me first” attitude and think of others more than we do ourselves.
Both the burdens and the joys of Christmas should be shared. When you are part of a family, you don’t always get to have it your way all the time.
And don't be insulted ten or twenty years from now when Cousin Julie doesn't as your little girl to be in the wedding party. Afterall, Cousin Julie won't really know or care much about those cousins who were nothing more than a name on an invitation that was never accepted.
posted by : Cheers on 12/18/2008 at 5:21 PM Flag For Abuse
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I'm an only child and my parents were always expected to travel to the other relatives who had more little ones. Christmas always felt like someone else's holiday. Like going to someone else's birthday party. Santa always visited THEIR house.
My parents let us off the hook when my son was born by saying that we shouldn't ruin his holidays by always traveling. It's a relief.
Of couse they are welcome to visit us for the holidays, but I'm glad that we don't have to drag our son around the country to see them. Besides, it's cheaper for them (2) to travel than us (3).
My in-laws will likely press us to visit in the future. I'm not sure what we'll do.
I do however resent the whole "we want the whole family" or "all of the kids/ grandkids" at the holiday to guilt everyone into going. If I go to my husband's parents so that all THEIR kids can be under one roof, then that means my parents don't have their kid. People need to realize that holidays can't be perfect, you can't get everyone for the length of time you want. If one side of the family gets attention, the other side won't.
With people living so far away, it's inevitable that we're not going to see everyone for every holiday
posted by : Birdieta on 12/18/2008 at 8:58 PM Flag For Abuse
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We're going to my in-laws this Christmas, which will hopefully be the last time we travel anywhere for the holidays for at least a few years. At least at my house I can comfortably escape my mil's inevitable irritating drunkenness by "going to bed" and reading for a few hours. I agree with what others have said - it's not being a 'bad parent' if you're exchanging an unhappy situation with one that makes your family happy. I just wish I was there this year myself!
posted by : homebody on 12/19/2008 at 12:18 AM Flag For Abuse
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Another great article, Jeanne, thank you. I don't think it is at all selfish to create your own happiness.
This is the first Christmas in ages that we'll be doing exactly what we want. Meeting dear friends, eating good food, taking turns baby-sitting for each other and just enjoying each others company. When I asked my friend what food traditions she favoured she announced: "our menu is always a mix of what we love best." Talk about ripping up the rule book. We're having duck cooked in cherries. Never had it but the anticipation is making me feel that 'magic' of Christmas all the ads always tell me I should be feeling.
posted by : cocoa on 12/19/2008 at 8:21 AM Flag For Abuse
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I do give Jeanne credit for standing up to her family. Coming from a very guilt prone catholic family myself I do know what she means. This year we have a new schedule. It will be the first Christmas day that I spend a goood portion of it away from blood relatives in 32 years. I will be spending part of it with my partner's family. At first I didn't know how to feel about it. I was instantly overcome with guilt. What will my parents say when they find out I won't be there for most of Christmas day?? What will they say to me?? But my sister also took on Jeannes view of not leaving the house on Christmas day, so if I want to see my nieces that I'm crazy about I must go there. But I love my partner very much and he's the only one in my heart that I must be with on Christmas. We'll hopefully be back in enough time to get my niece fix too!! So good for you Jeanne for standing up to that catholic guilt!!!
posted by : wgh1676 on 12/19/2008 at 7:40 PM Flag For Abuse
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I am soooo glad this was posted! What is it doing in "bad Parent?" This person clearly has not experienced the kind of guilt that can be conjured by in-laws and semi-absent family members who expect you to favor them over your own well being during the holidays. You are made to think that if you don't bring your children and your smiling faces to join the festivities, you are a bad parent. This year, I resent the fact that my husband is letting them determine our presence based on his own greed. I'd like to tell them to screw off, but he says "and what? We'll just not get our gifts?" This year too, we know what we are getting, two more "family trips", where we will be obligated to travel with our children and extended family ( my-distant inlaws and then some!) to (sometimes another country) most likely far away. This article encompasses my true thoughts on it. Screw them let's stay in our jammies!
posted by : JessicaHatesthem on 12/19/2008 at 8:31 PM Flag For Abuse
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People, the section header "Bad Parent" is meant tongue in cheek/jokey jokey, etc....like, hee hee, we're such bad parents, but nobody thinks that really...
I'm just glad my parents are cool...don't care when we come/whether we come and love us all either way...make us feel welcome when we do come...decorate their house so cutely for us...make delicious foods for us...play music...in general just show us a very nice time with no stupid pressure, criticism or lameness. Sure, we all can get on each others nerves after a few days, but that's life.
posted by : luckyducky on 12/20/2008 at 7:25 AM Flag For Abuse
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Thanks for this article. We're staying put this year, too - again, it's not the economy, it's our sanity.
The bottom line for us is this: my husband isn't wild about my family's traditions. And I can't stand his family's ideas about how to celebrate the season. Our backgrounds are SO different, that going to one family means that one of us will be unhappy and feel like we've missed Christmas. As our son gets older - he's 4 - that tension will also cloud his experiences.
Together, we easily agree on how to incorporate our favorite holiday memories and create new traditions for our children. It's not just less stress, it's forward looking.
I'm not sure how many years we'll be able to get away with skipping Christmas. (In addition to our 4 y.o., we have a newborn, so this year, it was easy to cry new baby and stay home.) But even before the holiday has started, this is going on record as my favorite Christmas ever.
posted by : FernG on 12/20/2008 at 5:20 PM Flag For Abuse
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I was just having a similar discussion with my sister who hosts Christmas for us all. I was saying that I enjoy seeing our grandfather (who lives very close to her and is 95 years old) but think that as soon as my son is aware of the whole Christmas ritual (he's 5 months now) we are going to stay home for christmas. She, of course, took it personally asking, why dont you like to see us on Christmas (we're irish catholics)? I said it doesnt have anything to do with you really, its about me and my family asking: remember growing up?
Our father graciously hosted all of his foreign graduate students to a Christmas dinner every year at our house so, as soon as presents were opened, we had to put them away and frantically clean the house and prepare a meal for our nervous non-english speaking guests. Dont get me wrong, they were very nice people and I think my dad is a great person for giving them a place to be when they were alone and half way around the world from their home but I longed for the Christmas my friends had: ripping into presents and playing with them, lounging in pajamas, watching movies and whatever else all those lucky kids got to do while I was reluctantly putting on a flute recital for the company.
I HOPE I have the guts to stand up for us all next year or the year after. I cant take the 2.5 hour drive each way, its too much, too frantic and only prolongs my distain for the Christmas season. I'm trying to like the holidays as my husband does (he was one of those lucky kids) but with this schedule I just dont and thats not fair to my son.
THANK YOU for this posting! I, as the first commenter said, am inspired by you.
posted by : candoo on 12/24/2008 at 11:51 AM Flag For Abuse
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It's noon on Christmas Day, we're still in our pyjamas, our son is playing with his toys and we're not going anywhere today. My parents live three hours north of our home, my in-laws 90 minutes to east of us. We made that trip to both families on Christmas Day once and we'll never repeat it. We were supposed to see my family last weekend but that was cancelled due to a blizzard, we'll see my in-laws tomorrow.
If anything, we want to teach our son that December 25th is just a day. He doesn't need the guilt about having to be at our home on that day. It's nice to see your family but there are 30 other days in this month.
posted by : Harold Pinter on 12/25/2008 at 12:52 PM Flag For Abuse
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I'm with Jeanne, we spend Christmas at home. My family is used to that; ever since my 20's after college I preferred to spend Christmas quietly at home and see them in Summer. It's always a time of rest and reflection for me before the new year begins. I would like however every few years to do a Christmas abroad. As a child we once spent Christmas in Acapulco and it's one of my most vivid Christmas memories because it was so special. All that said, I think it's a different story in a situation where a large family is located elsewhere and by staying home every year you deprive your child of the huge family Christmas. That's not our case but in such a situation I'd grit my teeth and travel to family every 2nd or 3rd Christmas.
posted by : sissyinnyc on 12/25/2008 at 1:12 PM Flag For Abuse
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I couldn't have read this at a better time! This is my first holiday season as a mom as we said "no" to travel, even in-town. We invited my fam over, but my mom refused to give up hosting and my brothers took her side (even though my son is the only grandchild in the family and I'm the only married sibling). I got guilt trips up until yesterday and a very cold phone call today. But you know, we had a great time today at home at our own pace. I don't feel bad about our decision, but I'm still ticked that my mom was so selfish.
posted by : kitese1 on 12/25/2008 at 6:26 PM Flag For Abuse
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I loved this article! We have a little one and decided to stay home and not venture out around town spending the day at everyone else's homes on xmas day. Before kids, it got to be a chore rushing our own Christmas morning to go to one house, to go to another, to go to another... It was a marathon Christmas and it sucked. This year, we celebrated with one side of the family the weekend before and the other last night and called both today to wish a Merry Christmas. The next Christmas is already being planned as we were told by one side, "Well, you'll be with us next year because it's our year!" 'Our' year?!?! 'OUR' year?!?! What about my year and what I (we) want for our growing family? Christmas is 364 days away and I'm already stressing about how to keep my foot down with our new no traveling policy. I have only 18 years with my babies and to give one side their year, the other side their year, and keep one for my year, I will have my own Christmas every 3 years which means over 18 years I will spend 6 Christmases in my own home, with my own traditions. Call me selfish but my parents and my in laws have raised their children with their traditions and now it's time for us to have ours.
posted by : asdfuiop on 12/25/2008 at 8:52 PM Flag For Abuse
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Well, all I can say is many here should enjoy these Christmases as much as possible. Once your children grow up, they likely will follow your pattern. They will turn to you and insist on spending Christmas without you or their siblings.
They may be away for that memorable vacation or maybe they just won't bother to get dressed or leave their homes because it's nicer to spend the day as a family (that doesn't include you). They won't bother to come and see you even if they live in the same town.
You reap what you sow. If you don't value the feelings or traditions of your parents, why should your children grow to value the feelings of their parents (ie - YOU)?
Enjoy it while you can. And then buy a condo somewhere warm so you don't have to feel so bad when you are having a sandwich or takeout for two (or one) for Christmas dinner.
I see it all the time. You teach your children how to treat you but how you treat your parents. Why expect them to treat you any better? But you'll have your memories and your photo albums of Christmases past. Hope you enjoy them.
posted by : Maybe June on 12/28/2008 at 10:02 AM Flag For Abuse
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It's easy enough to say the younger generation "should" honor their elders, maintain family ties, and suck it up to make the big trip home, but what happens when all the kids in the family are married, and all those in-laws want a piece of the pie, too? Which primary family is the "real" one that gets priority? Where do you draw the line at sticking with the old traditions of your childhood instead of making way for new ones? For me the answer is that you, your partner, and your kids become your new primary family, and things have to evolve. There are lots of ways to figure this out -- stay home, alternate visits, celebrate together on an alternate date, or make the big trip if the payoff is worth it to you.
I have wonderful childhood memories of driving to see my grandparents and dozens of cousins each Christmas night, and am grateful that my parents made the effort to give me that experience, as I know it was a lot of work for them and my dad did not have a great relationship with his mother. We celebrated with the other side of the family on Christmas Eve, and had our own little Christmas morning with just the three of us and a great aunt who always spent the holiday with us.
However, my parents are gone now, and Christmas at my in-laws is a nightmare of bickering and dysfunction. I won't say we'll never go there again for the holiday, but I sure am glad my baby was too little to remember this year's visit, and we sure as hell won't be back next year.
posted by : violetbeauregarde on 12/29/2008 at 7:59 PM Flag For Abuse
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Umm... you all do realize that in a few years, it will be your kids telling you that they won't be showing up for any of the holidays any more LOL. What goes around comes around, and they will have had a great example to live by.
posted by : TheHolidaysWhenYourKidsAreGrown on 7/6/2009 at 7:48 PM Flag For Abuse
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I love the article! We are going through our own in-law issues and "Bad Parent" articles always make me feel better. = )
posted by : Home for the Holidays on 11/21/2009 at 8:23 PM Flag For Abuse
