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I appreciate resisting the urge to respond to ever whine and squeal. I am a firm believer in letting my daughter develop in an independent way. However. When she was 6 months old the ceiling in her room collapsed at 3am. A quarter of the ceiling's plaster surface area gave way and missed her crib by about a foot. My husband and I heard a crash on the baby monitor that we might not have heard otherwise and he ran back and got her out of there. There was plaster dust everywhere; it was just awful. Is this likely to happen to everyone? Probably not. While I respect the author's laid back parenting philosophy, my point is...things can go very wrong. We were extraordinarily fortunate. I appreciate the technology we have today that makes our lives safer and lends peace of mind.
posted by : chantalart on 12/30/2008 at 8:28 PM Flag For Abuse
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To each her own, I guess. I am actually more relaxed with it on. Occasionally I've heard things that like barfing that wouldn't have carried through several rooms but that I wanted to know about, obviously.
posted by : cotopaxi on 12/30/2008 at 8:32 PM Flag For Abuse
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I'm with you, Elizabeth. We were given three (!) different monitors as shower gifts, but promptly donated them all to Goodwill. Our baby's room is right across the hall from ours, so if she's having a meltdown in there or the roof is collapsing or whatever, we're probably going to notice. The best advice I was given while pregnant was to skip the monitor and ignore the little whines and squeals and I'm so glad that we did. Our girl sleeps peacefully through the night (since 12 weeks) and we've yet to have a problem at 19 months. My cousin, on the other hand, is STILL using her baby monitor for her 4-year-old and STILL running in to check on every little sound. Mr. Knitty and I are wondering when it ends... in grade school? College? Phone taps and hidden recording devices when the kid is living on her own?
posted by : Knitty on 12/30/2008 at 10:33 PM Flag For Abuse
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I have a baby monitor but only because my daughter has a medical condition and I have to hear her if she needs me. But I ignore the wimpers and cries because she's only doing it because it pulls at our heart strings. My daughter was sleeping in her crib by 3 days old and sleeping through the night since 8 weeks old (I know not normal and caused by her condition). She's a self soother and has no problem playing in her room until Mommy is ready to get her in the morning or after naps. I think that's important for her.
posted by : PamalaLauren on 12/30/2008 at 10:42 PM Flag For Abuse
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I'm the one who lets the baby remain outside while staying in! my babe would only sleep outside in the fresh air, so i have to walk for at least an hour even if it's freezing - and he would wake up as soon as he is in. he is all bundled up in the stroller and high above the ground in the stokke, and we always have a monitor on (coz screaming in the cold is another story) or keep an eye on him while being in the cafe. What can i do - i tried to let him cry it out and sleep inside but it never worked. So i guess i just do my 1 hour walking fitness and everyone is happy!
posted by : DaintySplendor on 12/31/2008 at 12:49 AM Flag For Abuse
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Hooray for the author! In our 2 bedroom apartment, we don't need a monitor. We hear the emergencies (in son's case, lost puppy during the night) but don't have to deal with even ignoring the little sounds. I find it fairly annoying when adult time with friends is interrupted by their child(ren) on a monitor, whether it's pausing to see if a situation will turn into an "emergency", or waiting for the parents to go help their kid fall asleep. Kids are hardy! Let 'em be! Another example of over-parenting.
posted by : ChiLaura on 12/31/2008 at 10:25 AM Flag For Abuse
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I think it depends on your house and your hearing ability! Everyone should do what's best for them and their children...but make sure you check on them often. They aren't old enough to be wailing just to annoy you. This phase will pass all too quickly so it's ok to respond to their cries a little quicker. They aren't second-class citizens...how would you feel locked up in a crib, wailing, and no one comes?? Karma....
posted by : TrustYourGut on 12/31/2008 at 11:12 AM Flag For Abuse
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I live in Scandinavia, and yes here we do put our kids in the stroller to sleep while we eat lunch at cafes. Even in winter (it's minus ten here now, and my daughter still naps in her stroller on our balcony, all warm and cozy in a lamb wool bag). BUT most moms either pick a window seat to keep eye contact with their baby all the time. Or bring a baby monitor..
posted by : Oslomom on 12/31/2008 at 12:06 PM Flag For Abuse
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High fucking five! It is refershing to know that I am not the only one who thinks it is best to give my boy a chance to relax himself to sleep on his own, allow him to spend time looking about being curious about his surroudings (without jumping @ every quirk & coo), and most importantly, that a cry here there won't kill him. We get along just fine, and my laid back tude takes most people by surprise esp since he's my first.
posted by : laid back on 12/31/2008 at 12:29 PM Flag For Abuse
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Wow, that's so amazing, Oslomom. If you did that here in the States, you'd be hauled off to jail and your face would be plastered across the papers as the worst parent ever. I just had to endure women in my mom's group informing us that we should never, ever let our children out our sight even for a moment, not even to run to the ATM machine or carry an armload of groceries inside. Yes, here in rural America where there has been ONE child abduction in our town's history... and that was done by an ex-husband.
Today's mothers need to chill.
posted by : Knitty on 12/31/2008 at 12:30 PM Flag For Abuse
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Maybe it is just America. I am from Europe, too. If you are inside of the cafe and keep an eye on the babe which is outside, there's nothing wrong with that. It's done for the baby's sake, he is all bundled up and cosy in the fresh air.
posted by : DaintySplendor on 12/31/2008 at 12:48 PM Flag For Abuse
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This is a refreshing viewpoint from the typical overprotective helicopter parenting mode most American families switch into once a baby arrives.
It obviously depends on the layout of your house and how good your hearing is, but everyone should remember, it isn't THAT long ago that baby monitors were invented, and all of those parents made do with their babies sleeping down the hall/upstairs quite well indeed without the monitor piping in every squall and fuss.
posted by : A nony mouse on 12/31/2008 at 8:18 PM Flag For Abuse
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When you have a toddler who doesn't outgrow temper tantrums, a school-aged child who has unexplainable emotional outbursts, and a sullen, moody, and rebellious teenager, remember that you have taught this child since birth that only extreme emotions and loud outburst merit attention or care.
There is this idea that we shouldn't attend to our babies until they are crying, then we don't understand why our growing children go immediately to full-on emotional outbursts to draw attention to what is wrong in their lives. I don't use a baby monitor either, and know that not every fuss means a child needs me to intervene, but full on crying means the child has tried in a lot of other ways to signal there is a problem and was ignored.
posted by : Looking to the future on 12/31/2008 at 8:18 PM Flag For Abuse
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Excuse me, "Looking", but who here said they ignored their children until they were in full meltdown mode? When you have a toddler who doesn't outgrow temper tantrums, a school-aged child who has unexplainable emotional outbursts, and a sullen, moody, and rebellious teenager, remember that some children simply have more difficult temperaments than others and no single parenting philosophy holds the secret to raising easy, perfect children. To say that your teen is a brat because you didn't attend to him quickly enough that one time he was crying in his crib strikes me as... simplistic, to say the least.
posted by : AnnaMaria on 12/31/2008 at 11:14 PM Flag For Abuse
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AnnaMaria, here's a quote from the article:
"I developed a habit of lolling around bed in the morning, not responding to my daughter's cries down the hall until they progressed from gentle mewling to outright fury."
It's not just "that one time." The author says explicitly it is her habit.
And it's not just crying. It's "outright fury."
It seems to me that Looking has a point. The author is proud of letting her infant work herself into a state. It's her family life, so it's up to her, but it's not exactly the picture of a loving, caring mom.
The baby monitor has almost nothing to do with this discussion - who gives a fig if you have one or not.
posted by : catmom on 1/1/2009 at 1:33 AM Flag For Abuse
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whatever. parenting doesn't come with set hours. it's an around-the-clock obligation. strange that you would think otherwise.
posted by : anothermom on 1/1/2009 at 10:48 AM Flag For Abuse
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I think it depends on the situation. We lived in a 2 bedroom apartment when my daughter was born and never used a baby monitor until she was about a year old and we moved into a 3 story home, with our bedrooms on the 3rd floor. I couldn't hear my daughter even if she was screaming at the top of her lungs (I know because I left her up there screaming her head off once or twice) so I needed a baby monitor if I wanted to venture downstairs without waking her up from her naps. Now once again, living in a 2 story house where you can hear everything I don't find the need for one. I'm surprised that moms in other countries would leave their kids outside while they had a coffee, but at the same time that sounds oddly, nice. I choose to be an attachment parent yet I agree that most parents in this country have gone overboard when it comes to safety and concern often in the wrong places.
posted by : dhsredhead on 1/1/2009 at 8:08 PM Flag For Abuse
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This article sickens me. Why would you ever leave an infant or toddler, who looks to you to care for her, to cry by herself in her room or in a bouncy? Shame on you!
posted by : Attached Mama on 1/2/2009 at 2:31 PM Flag For Abuse
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My son has sleep issues and I found that a video monitor actually helped with sleep training. If he was crying I could quickly look on the video instead of going into the room to see that nothing was seriously wrong. This put me at ease and made the whole process go a lot more smoothly. Now I can tell what his habits are and if/when he will go to sleep by what he is doing in his crib and we are all a little more relaxed in our house. For this reason I always recommend a video monitor to other parents I meet who are having very serious sleep issues. I realize most families do not have these issues but for those who do, a monitor is a small investment and can be a huge help.
posted by : monitormom on 1/2/2009 at 2:37 PM Flag For Abuse
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I loved this article! I am totally simpatico... It's a corrective to baby-hysteria that I have seen take hold. I never run in once my son wakes in the morning or after a nap. I give him time to wake up and adjust and often, amuse himself. Part of the philosophy that kids deserve to be loved and adored, but shouldn't be taught that they are the center of the world.
posted by : rfsgreene on 1/2/2009 at 2:43 PM Flag For Abuse
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I disagree with this article wholeheartedly. If you've chosen to have a child, you've chosen to put another person's care infront of your own, and I think it's selfish to "loll around in bed" while your baby is crying. Lots of parents think they need to teach their cihldren to be "independant" but the best way to do that is reassure them by responding to their only way of communicating -crying- and building trust. I believe her parenting style is the type that causes children to have attachment issues later in life. Ouch.
posted by : Quinns Mom on 1/2/2009 at 2:46 PM Flag For Abuse
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i'm glad you're not my mom (and i don't own a baby monitor)! sheesh. why bother having kids if you don't respond to their real needs. loll in bed forever, childless...
posted by : grimarticle on 1/2/2009 at 2:55 PM Flag For Abuse
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Right, so I hear yah. I disagree with every pore of my being but I hear yah. The nerve of this baby to interrupt your "me" time. Shesh, good thing nothing has ever happened & you weren't there.
As for me & my 10 month old, she's not an overachiever. She still sleeps with me sometimes & doesn't like her crib. Guess what? She is only this young once. I will only have this time with her once and while I only have this one time, I want her to know that I am there for her. Even if it's just for a whine, whimper, cuddle or if she lost her pacifier.
And I thought I was a laid back parent...
posted by : night nurser on 1/2/2009 at 3:26 PM Flag For Abuse
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I believe a child's cry for, physical comfort, voice, attention, nearness, etc is just as important of a need as a child's cry for hunger, pain, or some other physical need.
I'm not sure why the author of this article and many of the comments seem to think the social or emotional needs of a child are not as important as physical, and it's okay to let a child cry because "all they want is attention/love/comfort/physical presence/assurance."
posted by : Happy babies are easier on 1/2/2009 at 3:39 PM Flag For Abuse
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I have 3 kids, never used a monitor, never had a big enough house to ever be out of earshot.
My youngest is 8 months old. He sleeps in my room, but in a crib now. Man, I do my best to "loll" in bed, and even though this kid isn't a crier (for the most part), after about 5 minutes of listening to him "talk" to himself, I just want to pick him up and play with him.
My oldest (now 6) slept in my bed for the first two years. Obviously, any "lolling" was done with babe in bed.
My middle, though? Totally different story. What a grumpy, cranky baby. He would cry if I held him, or if I put him down, or if he was hungry (understandably) but also if I had to switch him to the left boob (apparently only right-boob milk was good). He cried all the time. And I hate to say it, but it eventually got to the point, that yeah, since he's gonna cry anyway, I might as well let him cry in his crib and eat a hot meal. But I would pick him up as soon as I shoveled some food in my face. And I would pick him up the moment he made those first morning screams.
He is four now. Despite "Looking to the Future's" theory, he did not end up being an unreasonable toddler, prone to extreme outbursts. He's actually a very funny little boy, whose pre-school teacher was surprised to find out he is ever in anything resembling a bad mood.
As for sullen, rebellious teenagers--isn't that most of them?
posted by : pdxKat on 1/2/2009 at 4:20 PM Flag For Abuse
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This is horrifying. I'm pretty sure that parenting is not just a 9am till 8pm job. It is neither simple nor easy to parent and wanting it to be so doesn't make it so. Selfish parents will make for selfish kids.
posted by : jolene3378 on 1/2/2009 at 4:22 PM Flag For Abuse
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I agree that monitors can amp up unnecessary anxiety by amplifying all those baby noises. I'm on my third baby, and she's still in a bassinet in my bedroom... which is so much less stressful than in another room with a monitor, because a) the sound isn't amplified, and b) I can glance over to see if it's sound-asleep grunting, or the wide-awake kind. I think either video monitor or no monitor are good choices for avoiding unproductive anxiety.
I disagree with the criticisms of the author. She's not doing anything worse than the typical advice from conventional sources (Dr. Spock, American Academy of Pediatrics) - when you hear your baby cry, walk, but don't run to their room. Babies need to learn that their cries of distress bring a response, but also benefit from learning self-soothing during sleep times.
posted by : TwinsMom on 1/2/2009 at 5:07 PM Flag For Abuse
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Hi Elizabeth,
I agree with you. Not being super-on-call 24/7 sounds like it gives space to get one's thoughts together. And it would be unsettling to have a device on all the time. As importantly, good-quality sleep must be preserved. I'm glad for this alternative viewpoint. I always thought monitors were a must for modern parents, but I'm glad to hear that if you don't use one, you can still have a safe home. Thanks for the positive idea.
Best, L.
posted by : Happy_for_this_idea on 1/2/2009 at 8:51 PM Flag For Abuse
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Not only do I have a monitor but have **gasp** a video monitor! dun dun dun! For me, and I do believe this is a personal choice, having the monitor makes me less likely to run in at any sound than more so. I got the video monitor when my son was about 10 months and I think if I had it earlier it would have made it easier for me to allow him to toss and turn and try to put himself to sleep rather than my going in whenever he cried out.
What I do strongly disagree with is the idea that many many many people have about babies self soothing and if you don't let them cry then they never learn to sleep...blah, blah, blah. I ignored everyone who told me not to co-sleep, not to rock/nurse to sleep, and to wean at a one year. My son is now 19 months and sleeps (alone) like a champ, weaned at 15 months without a fuss, and is by far one of the happiest children I have ever come across. My opinion is that if love your kids in the best way you know how then it all works out.
posted by : Jacks Mama on 1/2/2009 at 9:53 PM Flag For Abuse
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I'm very much the type who believes that one shouldn't jump up everytime a baby cries. but i've always had baby monitors.
maybe the baby is upstairs in it's room and i was downstairs on the other side of the house, or outside, or whatever.
our home is about 7500 sq. ft. so it's more than worrying if my baby is whining. there is a legit concern that the baby jumped out the bed while i am downstairs in my office. happend once with Daniella, now 8, when she was about a year old. i had the baby monitor on low. and i heard a faint sound on the monitor. i turned it up and it was my baby crying!
i didn't hear anything otherwise.
as i got closer to her room, the crying got louder.
now what if i didn't have a monitor?
CPS would've took my baby if i couldn't explain a lump on her head at the doctor's office!
i don't care what other people do.
i've always had one. and it's not that deep.
posted by : ZBecks on 1/2/2009 at 10:05 PM Flag For Abuse
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I found that using a monitor actually helped me relax about how our twins were doing while in another room. I could hear if they were just kind of grumbling, or if they were actually crying the "ouch that hurts!" cry that you learn to distinguish pretty quickly. If you find that using a monitor makes you anxious and distractable, and you do fine without, well, that's great. My experience was the opposite -- having the monitor let me relax because I *knew* what was happening with our boys. Also it let me get out in the garden and do some weeding, etc. during their naptime, since I had confidence I knew what was going on in the (babyproofed and locked) house. Viva monitors, I say!
posted by : More Anon on 1/3/2009 at 12:32 AM Flag For Abuse
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I started out with a monitor, and cosleeping, but my baby didn't sleep through the night until I loosened up and put her in her own room and turned the monitor off. I found that the monitor made the tiniest sighs sound like puking or choking - maybe it was my monitor, but baby and I were much happier without. I don't actively listen after my now 2-year-old daughter goes to bed. I rely on the supersonic parent ears that seem to develop when the baby is born. I can be engrossed in Heroes, but if she even makes smallest strange noise from upstairs, I'm there in a flash to see what's wrong. I suspect the author of this article trusts her inherent instincts as well.
posted by : edamommy on 1/3/2009 at 12:12 PM Flag For Abuse
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We're sound sleepers and always needed the monitor to help amplify the sounds......otherwise, we would have baby cries working their way into our dreams rather than waking us. All 3 of our kids slept through the night starting around 6 weeks of age and have always had their own beds, etc. My youngest just turned 3, and I still use one.....he talks in his sleep - adorable/precious to hear.....but when he has a bad dream, he has a certain upset cry that starts low, but definitely sad and muffled, and if you offer him a kiss on the head and few whispered words real quick, he doesn't get upset enough to completely wake up and be thoroughly scared and disturbed & wind up kicking us in the guts in our bed all night long. lol. We can tell the difference of when to go and when to not. It also came in handy recently when he caught a GI bug and would call out "I'm gonna frow up!", as it does when he needs to announce he has to go potty. I like the white noise of the monitor in the winter when I don't have a fan running either. To each his own, but I don't know one other family personally who had/have kids that sleep as well as ours, and we definitely didn't over-parent.
posted by : Not Feeding the Machine on 1/4/2009 at 12:51 AM Flag For Abuse
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The author and all those in agreement with her completely disgust me. I am beyond shocked that anyone would even consider abandoning, ignoring, and neglecting their child. I assure you if you were my neighbor and I knew this was going on I would be the first person to call Child Services. I hope someone does turn you in to the authorities and they lock you in a jail cell to let you "cry it out".
posted by : You should be in jail on 1/4/2009 at 3:22 AM Flag For Abuse
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I'm astonished to hear there are video monitors! I thought a baby monitor was bad enough- if you house is too big to hear a baby cry, maybe you are creating too big a footprint anyway. The whole baby-industrial complex is staggering - a monitor is just another thing to buy to keep the Walmarts of the world plying their crap.
We made a conscious choice to minimize baby and child stuff - we don't have any plastic toys and our 22 month old uses the same wooden puzzles as our seven year old did.
Americans should wake up to the fact that baby Jonah's asthma won't improve if you keep buying SUVs, crappy plastic things and drive to big box stores to purchase more stuff. It's ironic that the hyper parents who can't bear the thought of the baby crying for a few seconds stick a baby monitor giving off electromagnetic radiation five inches from his head.
posted by : Canadian mother on 1/4/2009 at 9:53 PM Flag For Abuse
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While I agree that helicopter parenting is detrimental and that "over" monitoring is a symptom of "over" parenting.... I am in 100% disagreement with the author's general attitude towards parenting. I assume she loves her children tremendously. I'm also certain she will nurish a lot of resentment in those kids. Parenting is a 24/7/365/forever job. The job discription changes gradually and continuously but you are never ever off the clock. (Ask your Gramma, I'm betting that if you have a good relationship with your Grandmother she will tell you I'm am right on this one)
posted by : Have had this job for quite some on 1/5/2009 at 12:37 AM Flag For Abuse
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My house is big enough that it requires a monitor. The only sounds I would hear are the highest-pitched of screams. But I have to say that I disagree with the fact that I can't have "me time" with the monitor on. I don't respond to every little noise or anything and I am not some crazed helicopter parent. Actually what I heard just last night was my two year old trying to sing jingle bells and rudolph (all mixed up) to herself as she was falling asleep - so cute. We have also had a few occasions where the monitor helped up - my baby spent a night throwing up in her crib and only said the smallest of whimpers. If not for the monitor, I never would have known to check on her. So while to each their own I diagree with the idea that having a monitor automatically makes you some over-protective parent as this article implies.
posted by : happymom on 1/5/2009 at 9:33 AM Flag For Abuse
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I don't get you people that are accusing the author of neglect, or worse, child abuse. Nowhere in the article did she state that she outright ignored her children. She just let them cry for a few extra minutes, which plenty of parents do. It's just another way to parent. Even some experts espouse this. I personally was not a let-them-cry-it-out mama, but that's just MY opinion, which isn't the word of God. I am not so egotistical that I think whatever I believe, everyone else should believe, too. (The person who said she would call CPS seriously needs to get a grip. Besides, CPS would just laugh at you. "You hear a baby crying? Unheard of!" They have more cases of REAL abuse and neglect that they can't even get to, let alone to investigate the crazy lady's neighbor whose child cries for a couple of minutes. My son is an outright shrieker with the most high-pitched scream you could ever imagine. By your standards, I would have CPS at my door every day, for no reason other than my son got told "no" to getting another lollipop.) A happy mom is a good mom. I read all the time how we are supposed to take care of ourselves so we can take care of our families better, yet I see there are still people out there who condemn mothers for needing time to themselves. Wouldn't you all agree that if a mom is feeling frazzled and about to lose it, the best thing she can do is put her child down in a safe place and give herself a "time-out" before she does anything rash or abusive out of anger? Again, plenty of experts say the best thing you can do is to remove yourself from the situation and count to ten, or something similar, so you can calm yourself down. So what's the difference? In both situations, the baby is crying a little longer than usual, but in no way is it harmful. I suppose this will fall on deaf ears, though, because one thing I've noticed since I've become a mother is other women DO NOT have your back. They just like to condemn and criticize and act superior in their judgment. Good times.
posted by : mommashay on 1/5/2009 at 9:58 AM Flag For Abuse
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mommashay I am so with you on that one! I now live in another country when no one would dare telling you what to do with your child or call other mothers bad moms because they don't breastfeed or carry their babies all day etc... but I remember vividly a certain agressive hysteria I saw in a lot of places when I lived in NYC, where it seemed like all a lot of women (mothers or not, actually) could find time to do was to judge and criticize other moms'choices with such an air of self satisfied perfection that I couldn't help but feel like smacking their perfect little judgmental know-it-all personas! Some comments here are so over-the-top, gratuitously nasty. I mean, don't we all love our babes? Didn't we all listen, holding our breath, to their tiny respiration "just to make sure"? Don't we all get unexpected pangs of joy, meeting their gaze, watching their faces light up? I say, enough with the insecurity-hiding self-righteousness. In my (still short) experience, taking care of my son has made me more humble, loving and understanding than I was before. I used to be very judgmental and prone to strong likes and dislikes, now it somehow doesn't feel right to harbor such negative feelings. And I definitely know how hard it is sometimes and have nothing but respect and empathy for other mothers.
posted by : frenchymama on 1/5/2009 at 5:34 PM Flag For Abuse
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I think it depends on your situation and my philosophy at this point is: do whatever you think is best for the greater good. Mom needs sleep. Mom needs food. Mom needs some level of hygiene in her home. Mom needs to go to the bathroom once in a while without juggling a baby on her lap while trying to do so. Mom needs a little time when someone is not screaming in her ear.
I am with the mother who said we did this with #1, this with #3 and this with #2 because he was the crankiest little muffin - I have one of those too and people are shocked to hear the things I do - fine, but you have not lived with the incessant, blood curdling screams 24/7 since day 1, either. People ask me, "what's wrong with him?" and I just say, smiling the while, "oh, nothing, he's just a cranky little devil" (or other more colourful descriptors...). You can draw whatever conclusions you want about the kind of mother I am, but I am the one who is dealing with him day in and day out, and absolutely love him to pieces because, as difficult as he is, he is also the funniest, most responsive little fellow. The baby monitor was quickly de-activated with him and is now used as a walkie talkie by my older guy. And we lived in Yellowknife, NWT (as in far north) and he was left for many many hours outside in -40 c weather tucked snugly in with his fur mittens and booties having those blissful 4 hour naps - my dog always alerted me when he woke. He was either sleeping or screaming, so you tell me, bad mother? Or looking out for the greater good?
posted by : crankysmother on 1/6/2009 at 9:25 AM Flag For Abuse
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Not using a baby monitor makes someone a bad parent? Yeesh. Guess my kids are going into foster care, right? Uh. NO!
We didn't have a baby monitor for child #1, and then were gifted one for child #2.
I used it once. ONCE. Turned it on, fiddled with the frequency knob and heard a woman yelling. Yelling and cursing at her husband to get off his effin' ass and do SOMETHING, while in the background a baby screaming at full volume. It was the woman across the street, whom I did not know, but who'd I always thought was an easy going pleasant type. Yeah -- not so much.
Anyway I turned the thing off and never turned it on again. I could/can hear my own child scream without the monitor, I don't want to risk overhearing or being overheard by anyone else.
I'm always so amused that the mothers who don't set boundaries for their children's behaviour (ie Cry it out, not co-bedding, setting up a feeding schedule) are the ones that wind up burnt-out suffering from an identity crisis.
posted by : Joy Filled Girl on 1/6/2009 at 5:02 PM Flag For Abuse
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"You Should Be in Jail," I invite you to spend some time volunteering for social services so you can see what child abuse looks like. You have NO CLUE what you are talking about; the depth of your ignorance could scale the distance between here and China. A baby crying for a few minutes? OMFG. I WISH that were the sort of "abuse" situation I handled weekly as a social worker.
posted by : Knitty on 1/8/2009 at 10:57 PM Flag For Abuse
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Are these hysterical mommies kidding? Do they know anything about the history of parenting? Entire generations raised children this way for ages. In fact, my parents' generation were taught it wasn't good to run to the child every time he/she cried. That WAS the proper parenting of the day. Whether new thinking adheres to that or it lines up with your own parenting style, the fact is if it was really such a horrible damaging thing you'd have the entire United States pretty screwed up! Seriously, think about it. As for the person who said "selfish parents make selfish children" and those saying you end up with a monster teenager, blah blah, my parents did not run to us every time we cried and you know what? I'm not a selfish monster and neither are my brothers. So poof, there goes that little amateur theory.
posted by : freedfromjail on 1/10/2009 at 5:23 PM Flag For Abuse
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Last night I was so exhausted I slept through my baby wailing for a good ten minutes ... and he was only six inches away from me, in his co-sleeper. The crying just made its way into the dream I was having. Who sells a baby monitor that works on the unconscious mind??
posted by : violetbeauregarde on 1/12/2009 at 8:16 PM Flag For Abuse
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crazy but true story that my mom confessed to me right before my daughter was born.
apparently when i was a toddler, i would nap consistently for 2 hours every hour. my mom being a recent immigrant, and my dad working to support the family- my mom was isolated and alone in a new country with her new baby, with her broken english. somehow she decided learning how to drive would be her answer to independence, and her ability to break free from her own home. so she convinced a driving instructor/school to pick her up each day for driving lessons while i was asleep. needless to say, she learned how to drive, she convinced my dad that she needed her own car, and i'm assuming nothing bad happened to me while my mom was out driving.
as a dad of a 11month old, my wife and i are all about letting our girl "cry it out" and figure out how to soothe on her own. that doesn't mean we let her cry and wail in soiled diapers for an hour, it also doesn't mean we're tethered to a baby monitor as well ( although we live in a very modest sized condo, so a monitor isn't really necessary)
posted by : bikerdad on 1/12/2009 at 9:58 PM Flag For Abuse
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I don't care whether you use a monitor. If it would make you more anxious, then don't use one. But don't assume because I occasionally use one that I am any more tightly wound than you. It works for me, it doesn't for you. My main issue with the article is how smug the author is. Oh, you use a monitor and respond to your baby's cries? I am so much more well adjusted than you!
posted by : Get off that soapbox on 1/13/2009 at 6:31 PM Flag For Abuse
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As someone pregnant for the first time and nearing the 3rd trimester, these are the kinds of issues I ponder a lot. I think about what kind of parent I want to be and there's so many ways of doing things...it is all so overwhelming! It hadn't even entered my mind to NOT use a monitor, but I can see the benefit. I like the idea of letting a child be independent and the idea of letting them fuss a little (when it's just fussing). Wouldn't this teach them to self soothe? And when you DO arrive to check on him or get him, wouldn't it prove that you always come back, thus showing them there's no need to fuss/to trust you? I feel it should be ok to let a baby stay in a safe location while you shower or tend to basic life needs. If they cry, so be it, as long as they are ok and safe. I hate the idea some have that our own basic needs (eating! bathing!) need to be abandoned just because there is a child in the picture and we want to live up to a non-existant super-parent status. In our situation, I think we will still use the monitor but respond when there is an actual need. In other words, use the monitor for what it was meant for: an alert mechanism when something is wrong and I might not hear it.
posted by : Graphicsfrk on 1/14/2009 at 8:18 PM Flag For Abuse
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Any basic child psychology book will tell you that babies who are responded to BEFORE they start screaming at the top of their lungs are able to trust their parents and will cry LESS often than if they are ignored. It isn't a matter of jumping up for every whimper, but a mother can tell if it's a whimper in their sleep or an upset baby BEFORE they start in the full-blown screaming fit. I think the author is not only doing a disservice to her child, but setting herself up for more crying by ignoring the baby until he/she is wailing.
posted by : Author needs basic education in on 1/17/2009 at 11:36 AM Flag For Abuse
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The thing to remember about newborns is that their ability to "self sooth" is limited by their physical inability to solve any of their own problems. They can't feed themselves. They can't change their own diapers. They can't even move themselves with enough mental deliberation to relieve the pressure of lying in one place, or avoid light that's too bright.
Even when physical abilities improve, mental abilities are still developing - it's believed that one of the reasons too many toddlers drown in shallow water is not because they physically can't stand up or lift their heads up, but because they are unable to solve the problem - to form the mental intention to hold their breath and then get up.
What newborns can do is cry. For your help. If you want to prove to your newborn children that they can trust you ... you can always prove it by showing up to help with their newborn needs. Their physical and mental independence will develop soon enough - you don't have to ignore a newborn to speed it up.
posted by : catmom on 1/18/2009 at 3:49 PM Flag For Abuse
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Thank you so much for your article! Before reading it, I used a baby monitor for every nap, every bed-time. And I didn't realize how much it was driving me CRAZY! I stopped using the monitor the same day I read this article and my husband and I couldn't be happier! We sleep better and our 6 month old daughter sleeps better because we aren't responding to every teeny sound in the night. She even jibber jabbers at herself for about a half hour some mornings when she wakes up instead of immediately squawking for us. Thank you so much for helping me let go of the guilt tied to not using a monitor. I also know a few moms who use a baby monitor for their 4 year old and another for their 2 year old!! Ridiculous! Thank god I won't be ending up like that!
posted by : thankfulmama on 1/22/2009 at 2:47 PM Flag For Abuse
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We live in a single story ranch and my two boys now 8 and 6 share a room. We put them togehter in the same room so that we could stop using the monitor or in our case two monitors! I am a short walk down the hall from the kids. We still use the monitor at times bc one child has asthma and it flares at night...he was a croupy baby and was very sick with rsv for the first 6 months of his life. This same child had colic and screamed non stop for the first two years of his life. For this child you never needed a monitor bc you always heard him and usually you were holding him! The monitor now is used when he has a cold to make sure he is not waking up gasping and trying to call out to us. To a parent who has gone though this trauma its hard to lose a monitor. Kids come wired the way they come. Some are blessed to have kids with easy temprements and never need more than good enough parenting. Some like one of my boys comes wired to be more needy and nothing is ever enough. For people who slam parents who do what they have to do to take breaks from their crying babies and sleep deprived toddlers, i suggest you borrow one of these kids for a few days and nights. It might change you a little and make you a little more compassionate.
posted by : marsmom on 2/10/2009 at 2:21 PM Flag For Abuse
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I find it hysterical that people are getting all worked up over the idea of the author "lolling" in bed while her daughter fusses, and responding only when she freaks out. If her baby is anything like mine, that time span equals about 30 seconds. It's hardly child abuse to wait it out and see if the baby goes back to sleep. As a first time and very nervous parent, I picked my daughter up every single time she made a peep, and as a result she never slept and neither did I. Now that I let her fuss a bit, she usually goes back to sleep, and so do I. We're both much saner and happier as a result.
posted by : Pullquote TK on 2/24/2009 at 3:21 AM Flag For Abuse
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I love this article. I gave up my sons baby monitor at around 6 months. It was the best thing I ever did. Our bedrooms are the perfect distance apart that I still hear any serious crys but dont hear all the wimper. I finally got a good night sleep when the monitor was taken out. And my son was actually more rested in the morning also. If we have any more children we will probably take the monitors out even sooner.
posted by : BakersMom on 3/11/2009 at 2:29 PM Flag For Abuse
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I didn't use a baby moniter with my child. I just opened her bedroom window and went across the street to have a beer and watch the game on my neighbor's deck. If she needed me she would've screamed. People are just too worried about their kids. Kids need space too.
posted by : laid back mom on 4/13/2009 at 1:10 PM Flag For Abuse
