Parenting Through Depression
How I tend to my children when I'd rather stay in bed.
by Jane Roper
March 23, 2009
On a Friday morning in early November, I got up with my then twenty-two-month-old twin daughters, Elsa and Clio, as usual. My husband watches them most of the week while I'm at work, so on Fridays I always let him sleep in. But that morning I'd barely finished giving the girls their breakfast when I made my way back to the bedroom, curled up next to him and said, on the verge of tears, "I need you to take care of the girls. I can't do it."
I spent most of that day —and the next —in bed.
For more than a month, I'd been struggling with an episode of clinical depression. Until that point, I'd been able to muddle through at work, take care of the girls —with difficulty —and keep up with essential everyday tasks. But on that dark Friday, even just sitting on the sofa while Elsa and Clio watched Sesame Street hurt too much. I felt empty and detached from reality. I could barely bring myself to do or say anything. My whole body throbbed with unfocused dread. I had no thoughts of suicide, but I was lower than I'd ever felt before — low enough that I simply couldn't handle taking care of my children. And it scared me.
Jane's Reminders to Her Depressed Self
1. Think of your depression the same way you would think of a cold or the flu: you're sick, and shouldn't expect to function (work, parent, cook, clean, etc.) at 100% capacity.
2. Try to get a little exercise, even if you really, really don't feel like it. It does help.
3. Resist the urge to drink. It's only a temporary fix, and not helpful in the long run.
4. Don't be a total hermit. Call on good friends who understand what's going on and are easy to be around.
5. Remember that letting the girls temporarily overdose on PBS Kids shows does not equal bad parenting.
My thoughts were panicked and pessimistic: What if I didn't get better this time? What if I ended up having to be hospitalized? What if this was the way I was going to feel for the rest of my life? What kind of mother could I be?
When my husband and I decided to start a family, we never gave a moment's thought to my depression. Ever since I'd been diagnosed, at the age of twenty-three, I'd been able to effectively manage my condition with medication. When I did have depressive dips, they were short-lived, and not debilitating. Throughout my pregnancy and over a year of nursing, I never had any major depressive episodes, with the exception of a tough week or two postpartum. I never gave much thought to what it would be like to try to deal with parenting while depressed, because I was convinced it wasn't going to be an issue.
I was wrong.
In the past year, I've had three bouts of depression, each more severe than the last. And each time, I've had to wrestle with the sadness and guilt of not being able to be the kind of mother I want to be — engaged, energetic, patient. My depression makes me irritable, lethargic, and unable to take pleasure in anything — symptoms that don't go particularly well with running around after a pair of toddlers. Of course, childcare is always challenging. But when you're depressed you don't have the inner resources or perspective to deal with those challenges. They can feel overwhelming.
©2009 Jane Roper and Babble Media
About the Author
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Jane Roper is an advertising, fiction and freelance writer. She lives in the Boston area with her husband and twin daughters, Elsa and Clio, and is the author of Baby Squared, here on Babble.com. |
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