Bad Parent: Resentment
How an equal division of labor almost destroyed my marriage.
by Hanna Otero
January 22, 2009
Strangely, during this whole period, neither of us felt comfortable talking to anyone about how we felt. It seemed like such a betrayal — and not just of one another. To let on that our gender-equal, new-millennial arrangement was falling apart felt like admitting to a much bigger failure. Besides, who among our friends could understand our points of view? My best friend is a stay-at-home mom. She identifies more with my husband's plight than she does with mine. The few women I knew in my own situation seemed, like me, unwilling to admit that things at home weren't always ideal. Unable to confront our frustrations honestly, Eric and I found ourselves going to head-to-head over weighty issues such as whose turn it was to unload the dishwasher.
Not surprisingly, things blew up. Or perhaps they melted down. Either way, we were not in a very good place when, a few months ago, we agreed to try something new. We'd sit down weekly to discuss our finances, to make a weekly menu plan, to create a family to-do list. I promised not to nag about any item on the list, as long as he promised to get things done in a timely manner. He vowed to make a meal three nights a week. We created a budget and agreed to consult one another on any non-essential purchases.
Amazingly, just this tiny, pedestrian adjustment has made a world of difference. Sunday nights, we dole out allowances in cash and discuss, item by item, where our money is going — a process that I had kept invisible to Eric for years (and, admittedly, had not always managed as well as I pretended to). Sharing that burden has been a relief. We talk about what the coming week will bring, who needs a flu shot and when to call the electrician.
As tedious as these meetings sound, we both look forward to them. They give us a chance to talk not just about the mundane day-to-day matters of our life together, but about how each of us feels. We have started discussing what we might do when our debt is paid off, or how things might change if we sold the house. We are strategizing. It feels quite a lot like a business meeting between partners. It's strangely romantic.
Eric and I need to find a new way of doing things.
I grew up in a military family, one where my father was deployed for weeks or months and my mother held down whatever fort we happened to be living in at the time. Looking at my parent's marriage, I would never, ever say that one or the other of them was more essential to our survival as a family. It was only in their working together and supporting one another that they were able to support us. Isn't that the essence of marriage? And yet I had completely lost sight of it in my own relationship.
People often remark that it takes a special kind of guy to raise children full-time. I agree completely. But it also takes a special kind of wife to concede the duties so long reserved as "mother's work" and accept that everything won't always go her way. I'm striving to be that woman, to realize that I don't get to be the domestic goddess and the financial decision-maker. Nor do I want to be, really. It's pretty clear that Eric and I need to find a new way of doing things. Perhaps in the discovery, we will invent a different marriage for ourselves.
Eric has been talking about getting back to work, taking a part-time chef gig to earn some cash and get out of the house. I am trying to think of a way to pull back on work, eliminate my commute and spend more time with the kids. It won't happen overnight, but the sense that we believe it could happen has given our marriage new life. In a way, we're back to where we started: a place where each of us believes that, if we work together, somehow it will all turn out just fine.
©2009 Hanna Otero and Babble
About the Author
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Hanna Otero dreams of ditching her full-time editorial job for the freelance life. She lives in New Jersey with her husband, daughter, and son. Her blog is here. |
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