Rules of the Game
My crash course in playround etiquette.
by L. J. Williamson
January 2, 2008
Family therapist Suzanne Lopez advises parents that the best strategy is to abandon the separatist approach. If your child is being victimized, Lopez explains, a parent should treat the offender as they would an errant sibling. "A lot of people make the distinction of 'that's not my kid,' but the best way is to treat every child is as if they were your own. Address the child in a firm, loving and respectful manner, and remain connected to yourself as an authority figure, even when the child is not yours. If you're really clear in a grounded way, children respond, believe me."
In other words, don't hesitate to play the "I'm the adult, you're the kid" card, even with someone else's kid — in a respectful way. It works surprisingly well at stopping a lot of little ankle-biters in their tracks.
If things get to the point where you need to bring a problem to the attention of another parent, Lopez warns that approaching another parent with "You need to stop this behavior!" will only meet with resistance."It's more productive to phrase your request as an appeal for help in improving the situation for both children," she says.
So, instead of, say, "Would you get that goddamned little brat of yours stop stealing my kid's bucket?" maybe try, "Would your daughter like to ask my son to share his bucket? I'm sure they'd have fun playing with it together." At least you'll draw the parent's attention to the situation.
Of course, if you just want to get rid of someone, there's my personal favorite strategy: making up a lie. I've gotten pesky kids out of my path by wandering by the parents and casually saying, "I think your daughter just said she wanted to you to push her on the swing." No parent wants to be judged as inattentive, so this strategy will typically result in mom and dad falling all over themselves to show off how many books on attachment parenting they've read.
However, there may be situations in which the parent's response doesn't satisfy you. Whatever the case, it's important to prevent an escalation of the
Playground Pointers Continued:
conflict, which means being as tactful as possible. Even if you've arrived at the conclusion that the parent is a total asshole, it's important to bear in mind that your child is probably watching, and will grow up to emulate the way you deal with conflict. Screaming, rude parents wind up with screaming, rude kids.
If all else fails, there may be situations in which leaving really is the best option, like when the conflict comes down to basic philosophical differences. That's why politics, for example, should be an off-limits subject for the sandbox sidelines, or whatever topic might be one of your own personal trigger points. The time I heard the mother of a preschooler tell a group of young teens practicing skateboard tricks that they "shouldn't be doing that in front of such young children," I let myself get drawn into the conflict, and the situation quickly degenerated into a showdown: "Skateboarding is not a crime!" I shouted. She fought back: "They're setting a bad example for my four-year-old!"
There was no settling this debate, so I chose to leave before things got any uglier. Sometimes, you just have to walk away and remember that tomorrow is another playground day.
©2007 L.J. Williamson and Nerve Media
About the Author
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L.J. Williamson is a writer from Los Angeles. Her complaints have been printed in The Los Angeles Times, Salon.com, and Utne, to name a few. She lives with her husband, Monkey Man, and their two children, Fifi Bird
and Sugar Guy. Her website is ljwilliamson.com. |
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