"One of the major benefits of mediation is that it reflects a proper balance of roles," said June Jacobson, a New York City Family and Divorce Mediator who's also a licensed Social Worker and an Attorney. "In a adversarial divorce, the lawyers have the primary role, and the clients a background one, which seems crazy. Mediation puts the clients and children in the center, and gives them the opportunity to decide what they want moving forward."

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That made sense to me. All my friends wrote their own wedding vows, and designed their "quirky" ceremonies. I'm sure, if they were getting divorced, they'd want to be that show's writer/director/producer/star too: to put their personal imprint on things. Mediation sounded like unwriting your own vows. In a typical mediated divorce, the warring parties sign a pact promising to work things through. Then they go to mediation sessions. Some people only need one session, others, twenty or more. The mediator asks them questions, but remains neutral, with the goal of creating a settlement that is drafted jointly by the participants — one that takes their specific cultural, emotional, and financial concerns into account, and dices things up in a way that feels fair to both of them. This agreement can then be reviewed by each spouse's attorney, and changes can be made, before the document is submitted to the authorities. "We didn't even have to go to court," said Deb Gibbard, a recent divorcee and client of Jacobson's. "June got it signed and sealed for us."

One of the mediator's core tasks is to guide their clients past rage. Mediators tend to have an evangelical perspective on their job; every one I spoke to was just thrilled to discuss their process. This proselytizing alienated me initially, putting me in mind of similar pitches about The Secret or the powers of Blue-Green Algae, but their claims were rousingly seconded by their clients and members of the judiciary. Plus, many benefits of mediated divorces seemed objectively clear. They cost 1/4 to 1/10 of other options — allowing couples to keep more of the money they're battling over. They take less time, usually getting resolved in 3-6 months, as opposed to 1-2 years for a litigated split. And instead of encouraging their clients to gain strength from their opposition, one of the mediator's core tasks is to guide their clients past rage, and toward an equitable solution, one which they've both crafted, and on which they both agree. "People who mediate tend to be more satisfied with their settlement because they have greater buy-in. They've had to work their process to get there, and they created it," said Jacobson. "So they own it."

Her client, Deb Gibbard, echoed this opinion. "The beauty of mediated divorce is that you have to sit next to your soon-to-be ex, looking at his pained face. And you're in pain too. But instead of having a lawyer there to work up your anger — which takes the place of pain — you have to confront it. I'd say it's a more difficult process, emotionally. But it's also cathartic. It causes you to do some of your grieving for the relationship while it's going on, instead of just becoming hardened." Her ex-husband, Jack, seconded her thought. "Mediation really makes you address what the relationship was, and deal with the fact that it's over."