Personal Essay: The Stepfather
Was I Dad or just a stand-in?
by Kevin Keck
June 15, 2009
And that is what it feels like: I am not doing a good enough job, because if I were, Gavyn would call me Dad.
When Patrice comes into the workshop to tell me that Gavyn's biological father has gone, I am separating the wood screws from the machine screws. I love to separate screws because I find organization calming, but Patrice seemed to think my ongoing campaign
of proper screw separation was a sign of something else:
"Are you okay?"
"Why wouldn't I be okay?"
"Because of Gavyn's visit with Frank." It's true — Gavyn's biological father has a fatherly name. But I shall spare the reader the twenty minutes of hemming and hawing about what is bothering me before Patrice elicits a confession:
"Look," I say. "I took Gavyn to school his very first day. I'm the one reading to him at night. I'm the guy who showed him how to tell the difference between deer droppings and raccoon droppings. Why does Frank get to be 'Dad'? I want to be 'Dad'. It sounds
petty, but I love Gavyn to death, and I'm trying, and it seems like I get nothing."
Why does Frank get to be 'Dad'? I want to be 'Dad'."What are you talking about? Gavyn always calls you Dad. Have you been drinking?"
"What are you talking about? He calls me Kevin."
"When he's talking to me he refers to you as Dad. That's what he calls you when he talks to other people too. You didn't know that?"
I walk past my wife without saying anything, climb the stairs, and find Gavyn sitting in the kitchen working his way through a roll of Smarties.
"Gavyn," I say, "when you talk to other people about me, what do you call me?"
He looks at me and crunches the candy in his mouth, as though he can't quite make sense of my question, then he says matter-of-factly, "Dad."
"But why do you call me Kevin?"
He tries to suppress a smile. "Because I wanted you to notice."
I stare at him for a few seconds and then say, "Are you messing with my head?"
His smile is suddenly uncontainable. "Yep. And I won."
There is no doubt in my mind that — DNA aside — this is my son.
©2009 Kevin Keck and Babble
About the Author
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Kevin Keck is the author of the memoir Are You There God? It's Me. Kevin., and a collection of personal essays, Oedipus Wrecked. Visit him at www.thekeck.com.
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