What's Wrong With This Picture?
My autistic son doesn't need to be fixed.
by Kerry Cohen
March 31, 2008
One day, though, I started thinking in a different way. Was there really anything "wrong" with my son? Was there really a reason for people to feel sorry for me? My son is happy, loving and highly intelligent. He communicates differently than others, yes. He flaps his arms when he's excited, yes. He has his challenges, yes, but are they really so much worse than those of children who throw tantrums when they don't get their way? Worse than the child who will do anything at all, including sacrificing himself, to be friends with the popular kids? Yet, most every professional wants Ezra to care more about making friends. Finally at some point it occurred to me: why? So everyone else can understand his desires better? So everyone else can feel more comfortable? Is it really so awful if Ezra chooses to spend time by himself, if he doesn't concern himself with what everyone else thinks about who he is?
Parenting is hard, no matter the circumstances. Griffin, my typically developing child, who is demanding and wants to be near me all the time, has challenged me in completely different ways than Ezra has. I can confidently assert that Griffin's tests to my parenting have been more taxing. But no one is overly concerned with those struggles. They smile at Griffin, who smiles back at them, which makes them feel good. And then they want to know about Ezra. They want to know what I'm doing to change him. They want to know, perhaps, what they can do so that they don't wind up with a child like him.
Today, Ezra goes to a school where the teachers celebrate his strengths and see him as a whole child.
I wish there were better ways to talk about how he compares to other children, language that didn't put him in some kind of race.
He gets feeding and speech therapy from professionals who recognize that, while he needs this support, he also does many wonderful things. He is ahead of the game in some areas and behind in others.
I wish there were better ways to talk about how he compares to other children, language that didn't put him in some kind of race. But in some ways, hearing strangers' concerns has made parenting Ezra easier. He's still very young, but already I feel clear about what I need to do to be a good mother to him. I'll keep working with him to try to get him to eat more foods and to use clearer language. But if I am only able to do one thing for him as I usher him through childhood, it will be this: I will protect him from anyone who might make him feel that he is somehow not perfect.
Article and bio photos: Heather Hawksford
©2008 Kerry Cohen and Nerve Media
About the Author
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Kerry Cohen is the author of Loose Girl: A Memoir of Promiscuity (coming in June) and the author of the young adult novel Easy. She lives in Portland, Oregon with her family. |
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