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10 Crazy Ways to Lose Weight

Give me a quick fix to get rid of these pounds!

I’ve spent my entire adult life living in either NYC or Los Angeles. I’m pretty used to being around women doing weird things in the name of vanity and losing weight. So when I heard about the feeding tube diet, I was unfazed. The surprising part to me was the eruption of outrage and disgust that followed the story in the New York Times Style section.

This diet involves spending eight days on a portable feeding tube inserted through the nose. It supplies less than 1000 calories per day of liquid nutrition. It sounds extreme, but when you think about it, women have been doing crazier things to squeeze into a dress. At least this one is supervised by a doctor.

Some people are upset because they feel that this is a serious medical procedure that’s being trivialized. But aren’t tons of medical procedures eventually adapted for cosmetic use? Important medical devices and technologies have been used for frivolous reasons for ages. If there were a limited number of feeding tubes in the world and they were being taken away from people who really needed it, I would be outraged. Otherwise, I say live and let live. They’re not hurting anyone, except maybe themselves.

Some women will try any quick fix for losing weight, in an effort to avoid eating more vegetables and less cake. They’ve been using techniques that are just as outrageous as the feeding tube diet. Here are 10 of them that are pretty crazy, when you think about it. Can you guess which ones I’ve tried?:

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  • Tapeworm 1 of 10
    Tapeworm
    You think this photo of a garden worm is gross? Consider yourself lucky that I spared you the sight of a tapeworm. This disgusting-looking parasite is intentionally ingested so that it will consume all your food for you. Eat as much as you want! This little guy will eat it all for you. For the low, low cost of free rent in your bowels. Sounds like a bargain to me. The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out...
  • HCG 2 of 10
    HCG
    The HCG diet suggests you eat around 500 calories a day while getting daily shots of human chorionic gonadotropin (HCG), a hormone produced by the placenta during pregnancy. Finding a doctor to hook you up to a feeding tube might be easier than finding a doctor who buys into this widely debunked diet.
  • Baby Food Diet 3 of 10
    Baby Food Diet
    If Jennifer Aniston denies doing something, does that thing exist? Probably. Especially in Los Angeles. I know women in this town who would think that eating baby food all day long would give them way too many calories, actually.
  • Colonics 4 of 10
    Colonics
    A favorite of celebrities on the day before an awards show to flatten the belly. Does it take 5-15 pounds of poop out of you and instantly flatten your belly? Hells, yes. If you're comfortable with a stranger putting a tube in your rectum, then go for it!
  • Diet Pills 5 of 10
    Diet Pills
    Magic little bullets. Diet pills are way more dangerous than a feeding tube. But they continue to appeal to women, even after all those people died from taking fen-phen. In German folklore, the magic bullet ends up killing the poor idiot who bought it from the devil in the first place. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.
  • Stomach Stapling 6 of 10
    Stomach Stapling
    A completely valid choice for people who are clinically obese. But still... Extreme. More hardcore than a temporary feeding tube.
  • Liposuction 7 of 10
    Liposuction
    I'm not squeamish or judgmental about plastic surgery. But for some reason, the idea of someone jutting a tube into my thigh and sucking the fat out kind of freaks me out. After having a kid, I'm pretty comfortable with bodily fluids including blood, feces, urine, and mucus. But fat? I hope to never come face to face with my own fat.
  • Vomiting 8 of 10
    Vomiting
    Back in my all-girls boarding school days, there was rarely a morning that I went to the bathroom and didn't find little bits of vomit floating in the toilet. I was so naive that for a while, I thought there must be a stomach flu going around. Then I went to college and found that intentionally puking into a bowl is kind of a rampant girl thing. Bulimia seems to be so prevalent, sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who hasn't risked destroying the enamel on her teeth by regularly giving it to the bowl.
  • Starvation 9 of 10
    Starvation
    Countless skinny women all over Los Angeles are starving themselves at least a little bit, most of the time. How do you think they stay so skinny? I try to do it, too, but I only last about 3 hours at a time. Is there a woman out there who hasn't starved herself at least a little bit, especially before her wedding? Why do you think so many brides are crying at their wedding? They're so happy to be eating and drinking again.
  • The Master Cleanse 10 of 10
    The Master Cleanse
    On this diet, you consume nothing but spicy lemonade for 10 days (or more), but that's the easy part. Nobody likes to talk about the "salt water flush" aspect of this diet. When you consume nothing but liquid, there's no solids to... push things through. So, you're supposed to consume a quart of salt water every morning that you're on this diet. Then you wait around the house for an hour or so until you literally explode. Yes, out of your butt.
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photo credits: morgueFile

click for resources: The Master Cleanse, Tapeworms, HCG Diet, Baby Food Diet, Colonics, Diet Pills, Stomach Stapling, Liposuction, Vomiting, Starving

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