10 Reasons Why I'd Never Want To Be A Toddler Again

Love being his dad, but wouldn't wanna be him.

Last week, Babble Deputy Editor Mira Jacobs wrote a post called 12 Reasons Why I Want to be a Toddler Again. Hysterical. Plus, she got me thinking that it really would be great to be a toddler again.

But upon further review, I’ve had a change of heart.

I mean, maybe it’s because I’ve lived with four toddlers already (won’t be long till Grand Finale makes five). And maybe I’m too familiar with this pesky developmental phase, thus immune to its many undeniable charms, but there’s no way in Hell I’d ever want to be a toddler again. And here are 10 reasons why.

  • Lies, Lies and More Lies 1 of 10
    Lies, Lies and More Lies
    When parents do it, it's called Christmas (I'm looking at you, Santa), but when toddlers do it, it's called Timeout. Not cool. Photo Credit
  • There’s No Shame In Farting 2 of 10
    There's No Shame In Farting
    Mira cites this as a reason why she wants to be a toddler again. But if it's cool with you, I'm gonna go the other way here. Not huge on any type of flatulence, much less that of the shameless variety. Photo Credit
  • Diapers 3 of 10
    Let's go ahead and get all the potty ones out of the way, shall we? I could never be a toddler again because I'm not into diapers. For the very reason they're worn. Which means I'm taking self-deprecating wit over self-defecating shit all day long, people. Photo Credit
  • Potty Training Incentives 4 of 10
    Potty Training Incentives
    They're great and all, but if I got some chocolate or a cookie every single time I dropped a deuce, I'd be a big fat mess, y'all. Photo Credit
  • Sharing 5 of 10
    Consider the following: A. Toddlers are expected to share. B. It's somewhat acceptable for an adult to say "Get your own. Mooch." The better situation? B, obviously. (Unless you're a mooch.) Photo Credit
  • Happy Plates 6 of 10
    Happy Plates
    We encourage our toddlers to have happy plates by telling them if they don't finish their dinner, they're gonna have it for breakfast. And, sorry, but if I didn't like it the night before, I'm sure as hell not gonna like it served cold alongside a banana. Photo Credit
  • Getting Blogged Down 7 of 10
    Getting Blogged Down
    You know what would suck? Being the subject of a poorly written blog post each and every time your helicopter parent mistakenly thinks you've done something developmentally miraculous. I'll call this one Wherein My Son Pointed. Photo Credit
  • Story Time 8 of 10
    Story Time
    As a writer, it's incredibly uncool to admit the following: I don't like to read. But you know what I like even less? When someone reads to me, like the mom in this picture. (By the way, will someone please tell her that Lyle Lovett is holding on line two? He wants his hair back.) Photo Credit
  • Bedtime 9 of 10
    How would you like it if, at the end of the day, the two people you loved most wanted nothing more at than for you to fall asleep and no longer be part of that day? And then celebrated like giddy schoolgirls when they could finally carry on without you? Photo Credit
  • Caillou 10 of 10
    And it's not like they only want you out of their hair at night. Sometimes during the day, they want some separation from you, too. So they plant your ass in front of the TV and make you watch that whiny wuss, Caillou, four times in a row. (Damn you, On-Demand.) Tell me that wouldn't suck. Nope. I sure wouldn't want to be a toddler. Would you? Photo Credit

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Article Posted 4 years Ago
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