I heard a strange, high-pitched screaming coming from Henry’s room and rushed in to see what was going on.
I should’ve known.
Serge got poop on his finger again. Just a smear but, well, you would’ve thought he lost an appendage.
He’s a tough guy, my husband. Makes his own furniture out of barn wood, can tile floor like a pro and apparently has no problem gutting a deer as a couple rather horrific, 25-year-old photos at his mom’s house graphically showcase…But a little poop smeared on the same hand that reached inside hot deer guts and OH MA SWEET JESUS, all bets are off.
Me? I get a little poop on my finger during a diaper change and, by god, I’ll go make myself a nice sandwich after I’m done. Poop schmoop.
Our varied reactions to poop got me thinking about all the ways in which women are tougher than dudes. Now listen, before you get all huffy please know that the following apply to my own marriage and are not really meant to be generalizations on all of manhood. But seriously, have you ever met a dude who, when sick, doesn’t act worse than your teething baby? Exactly.
Here then are ten ways women are tougher than men:
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Flu? Who Me? Nah 1 of 10Sick men are worse than sick toddlers. It's a bold statement, to be sure, but the thing about sick dudes is that you pretty much have to suffer every symptom with them, they'll make sure of that. "My throat huuurts. My nose is so stuffy. Can you bring me some soup? Not that kind, the kind with the little dumplings..." Not only that but when guys feel a little tickle in their throat they're down for the count. Me? I got the flu I'm still dropping off kids at school, doing laundry, making dinner. Don't believe me? A study shows men are way more likely to call in when sick than women. "Male workers are more likely to call in sick with "the flu," while women tend to go to work and carry about their business when they feel an illness coming on." Yup. Dudes get the sniffles and call it the flu, women get the flu and power through it without complaint.
Pregnancy Power 2 of 10I can assure you that our second child would not exist if Serge had to carry our first one. I can just hear him now: retching over the smell of dog food, complaining about his weight gain and don't get him started on his spider veins and hemorhoids, girlfriend.
Hard Labor 3 of 10It's laughable, really, to envision Serge experiencing the pain of childbirth. He knows it, too, having said "Child birthing is a heavily-slanted one-sided affair in which the hero is always a heroine" in a post he wrote about two dudes kind of, sort of experiencing what labor would feel like. Childbirth trumps all. When your lady comes back with, "Did you ever push a human being out of your body?!" you must admit defeat.
Monthly Visitor 4 of 10It's not so much the pain or even the sometimes horrifying amounts (how am I still walking around in a functioning body?) of blood lost, but just the mere annoyance of that "monthly visitor." I mean, can you imagine dealing with a dude for a week while on his period? The whining and complaining that would ensue? I'd rather be locked in a cell with a sick toddler and that's saying something.
Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow 5 of 10Chicks are hard core when it comes to hair removal. For funsies I'd love to see some dude get a Brazilian bikini wax and see how well that goes over. About as well as a kidney stone working its way out of his system, I figure.
Stink Bomb Survival 6 of 10Ever had to enter a bathroom just vacated by a dude vacating his bowels? Yeah. Here women are, using lobby bathrooms in hotels so they don't stink up the bathroom of the room they're staying in with their mate and dudes drop deuces that could melt your eyebrows right off your face without thinking twice about it. Braving those bathrooms and cleaning the piss splash from around the bowl every couple of days should garner us some sort of special Wife Day or something like that. Come on. Drop St. Patrick's day or April fools Day and pony up a Wife Day. We've earned it from surviving your bathroom behavior.
Feet of Steel 7 of 10Ever seen a guy try to walk in high heels? It's pretty funny, isn't it? Not so funny when you think about the lengths (5 inches, to be exact) so many women go to in the name of fashion. Whatever it is, women have feet of steel.
Spanx You Very Much 8 of 10Not only do we teeter around on heels, but we girdle ourselves in a bunch of fat-sucking material, spending our days encased like sausages except sausages can probably breathe better. Spanx are nothing new, just the corset of the 21st century. But I'd love to see a dude don a full-body garment like this so he looks more attractive to the opposite sex. Not happening.
Poop Don’t Mean A Thing 9 of 10We've already covered this territory; like I said, poop ain't no thing to me... But I wanted to mention that Serge's poop-phobia in no way affects how often he changes diapers. He's right in there with me, which, come to think of it, may make him tougher than me what with his aversion to poop and all.
Their Brains Won’t Allow It 10 of 10In what is, perhaps the best and most universal example of our immense inner strength, I submit to you our willingness to ask for help or directions. Serge would rather wander around Home Depot for hours looking for some kind of thingamajig and god forbid I suggest he ask someone for help. I usually end up sneaking around the corner and asking for help and then pretending like I found the thing myself. And still, he seems disappointed that he didn't find the thing on his own. What is that about? Is there some kind of competition we women aren't aware of?
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