1000 Perplexing Things About Parenthood, #1-#12

1 Tantrums, perfectly timed for public outings. Meltdown in Aisle 8!

2 Parent abuse. Why must kids kick your kidneys and touch your eyeballs? Don’t they realize hair is attached to your head?

3 Where all the damn binkies disappear to. Could it be a terrorist plot to secretly drive parents everywhere bonkers?

4 Caillou.

5 Corn doodies and other poops in which whole foods appear, providing fodder for family dinner conversation for years to come.

6 How tots get away with having cellulite. Not fair!

7 Why people get so perturbed over flashing a little boob during breastfeeding. Nursing is pretty much the opposite of sexy. Even if you were only wearing pasties as you fed the baby.

8 Childproof caps that are adultproof, too.

9 Is your husband really sleeping through the 3:00 a.m. wailing or just pretending? Either way, he’s a jerk.

10 The day you are flipping through the photo album and suddenly realize that your newborn looked curiously like E.T. How come nobody told you?

11 Pediatrician wait rooms with toys from the Paleolithic age.

12 What qualifies you to do this parenting thing—and when some higher authority is going to realize you still don’t know WTF you’re doing.

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