1000 Perplexing Things About Parenthood, #23-#36Ellen Seidman
23 Has anyone in the history of the world ever pushed their kid on a swing so high—after repeated and insistent “HIGHER, MOMMY! HIGHER!” requests—that it’s actually gone over the top? And wouldn’t that serve that kid right?
24 Why hasn’t anyone invented a talking diaper? “No worries, it’s just pee!”
25 Does brushing a squirming, wailing two-year-old’s teeth as you’ve got her in a headlock actually do any good? And will she someday require therapy for that?
26 Guess How Much I Love You is a classic and all, but does anyone else think Big Nutbrown Hare is kind of a jerk?
27 “I didn’t break that, Mommy!” and other 100-percent transparent lies kids tell. Like, do they think we’re dumb?!
28 Now that the space shuttle program is over and NASA has all that time on its hands, maybe it can figure out how to channel kids’ screeches and use them as an alternate fuel source or something?
29 Is it just me or do Cheerios sorta taste like cardboard puffs? Shhhh, nobody tell the kids.
30 Why is it that on days when you go on errands smelling like Eau de Spit Up you bump into every single human being you know?
31 Are teachers purposely trying to torture parents when they give you a list of 28 school supplies to buy, including ones such as (TRUE STORY!): “Smead translucent hard plastic folder: size 13 ½ x 9 7/8. Color: Purple, but not blue or yellow. It has a 2 corner elastic holder and is not what’s called an Expanding folder.’ They are also called Expanding Wallets'”??? OMFG.
32 Is it wrong to hope your child doesn’t finish his mac and cheese so you can have some? (Not that I know anyone like that.)
33 And is it also wrong to choose your child’s playdates based on whether or not you want to hang with the mom? (Really, I don’t know anyone like that.)
34 And is there a place in hell for parents who kill their children’s pet fish because they forgot to feed them for a week? (I SO do not know anyone like that.)
35 Why is it that the second you give away one of the kid’s toys, she’s asking for it the very next day?
36 When’s the edition of What To Expect: The Why-The-Hell-Did-I-Decide-To-Become-A-Parent Years coming out?