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11 Things I Won’t Miss About Being Pregnant

My due date was yesterday and still no baby! As excited as I am to meet the newest member of my family, I’m a little wistful, too, because I know this is probably the last go-around for us (though never say never — anything can happen!).

I’ve enjoyed both my pregnancies … much more than I thought I would. (Not having morning sickness or gaining too much weight probably helped.) For the most part, I felt normal throughout. But there are a few things about pregnancy I definitely won’t miss, eleven of which I show here:

  • 1. Accidentally Hitting Myself in the Belly When I Close a Vehicle Door 1 of 11
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    I keep forgetting how big my belly has become. Thwack

  • 2. Not Being Able to See My Toes 2 of 11
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    Seriously, what is going on down there? I wish my toes looked like this photo, but I have a feeling they resemble Bilbo Baggins' snaggle feet. 

  • 3. Pregnancy Brain 3 of 11
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    I tired of feel scatterbrained me all time. (Huh? Did you say something?)

  • 4. Doing Chores While Pregnant 4 of 11
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    Even though I look happy in this picture, I'm actually punching myself in the face on the inside. Cleaning the brooder while pregnant is for suckers. 

  • 5. Wearing My Husband’s Fleece Because I’m Too Cheap to Spring for an Actual Maternity Coat 5 of 11
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    Why buy a maternity coat when I can wear this elegant garb instead? Why take a shower when I'm just going to get dirty again? Why brush my hair? Or teeth? 

  • 6. Itchy Belly 6 of 11
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    My belly, my whole body, itches like crazy with this pregnancy! I'm constantly digging my nails into my flesh even as I type this. After ruling out a rash or eczema, my doctor recommended I take a blood test to find out if my chronic itchiness is liver related. Something called cholestasis. Still waiting to find out the results. Fun times.

  • 7. My Maternity Fashions 7 of 11
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    I only bought a handful of maternity shirts because I'm cheap, as I've mentioned. So you see that thing around my neck? It's actually a shirt that's disintegrated into a shawl from chronic overwear. 

  • 8. Pregnancy Butt 8 of 11
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    Forget pregnancy brain. The real mood wrecker is pregnancy butt, that condition in which the butt grows in tandem with the belly, resulting in the much loathed bucket ass that stays with you for all eternity unless you work out like Kelly Ripa on steroids.  

  • 9. Kale! Kale! Kale! 9 of 11
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    How much of this freakin' super food can one pregnant woman put down? In my quest to give the baby the best nutrition possible,  I have turned myself into Popeye. 

  • 10. Not Drinking 10 of 11
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    I've treated myself to the occasional glass of beer or wine while pregnant but what I really crave is a cocktail! Something with vodka or schnapps. Anything. I'll even drink a fuzzy navel. 

  • 11. Maternity Jeans 11 of 11
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    There's a reason pregnant ladies are always sitting down, and it's not because they're tired. It's because if they stand up, their jeans fall down. That elastic waist thing? Yeah, doesn't work. The top of the pants are down around the crotch line after about ten minutes of wear, thereby exacerbating the bucket ass look. These things really ought to come with suspenders. 

 

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