Some people love Black Friday.
They bask in the anticipation of the thing, their very souls clawing at the ribs caging them in. Like tigers hungry for the sort of meat they have been denied for too long, Black Friday people start foaming at the fangs when they imagine the hunt in their future.
Oh, to break free of this tiresome routine, they growl.
Oh, to slip out into the cool dark freedom morning and to see my breath in the frosted steam before my face.
Oh to bolt down the over-lit aisles of a manic jungle and to leap upon the graceful back of that 42-inch flat screen LED gazelle known as The Bargain.
They want to taste it’s thumping pulse in their twitchy jaws.
They want to feel the warm blood of success trickle down their chins, mingling with the Turkey Coma dangling around their exhausted necks.
Why can’t you be more like that?
I mean, don’t you even want to get me incredible gifts for Christmas this year, but at ridiculously reduced prices? And what about the kids?
How come every year when I try to mildly suggest that you maybe head out the door after the Thanksgiving dishes are all done and get in line down at Walmart or Target, how come you always look at me so funny and empty your wine glass and slam it down on the table and exclaim,”You’ve GOT to be m***** f****** kidding me!!!”
Other guys wives are doing it. I even hear about some who are making it a whole fun ‘girls’ night out‘ kind of thing, you know? With camping in tents and everything.
Yeah yeah, I know it might be cold but that’s what hot cocoa is for, right?
Anyway, if you change your mind (fingers crossed!) I have put together a bunch of inspirational Black Friday photos and tips for you.
Camping 1 of 11There is nothing weird about shivering through the cold November night in a tent you've pitched outside of a retail store so that you can be the first one to spend your money there, right? If you think this is excessive behavior: you don't deserve bargains in your life.
Crowds 2 of 11Don't let the crowds get to you. Try to imagine them as fields of sunflowers or, better yet, Guardian Angels sent to Earth to help push you right to the best buys!
Don’t Feel Sheepish! 3 of 11Don't be silly! You're not a sheep! I mean, yeah, that guy in the store uniform bellowing unintelligible orders at you through a megaphone might be treating you like a sheep, but c'mon. Screw him! He was probably a loser in high school and now he's yelling at you like an animal, but whatever. Let it go. You're not a sheep and you have to stay focused on BARGAINS!!
Here We Go 4 of 11In life, there are only so many moments quite as precious as the one where they unlock the doors and allow you into their Hallowed Halls of Savings. Oh man. You lucky bastard, you. However, don't get too caught up in the poetry of it all. Put your blinders on and charge! If you forget where you are going or even why the hell you are in a department store at 5am in the morning, try and grab a hold of something, anything, to purchase ASAP.
Don’t Be Shy 5 of 11Black Friday is not for the meek or the inhibited. Do not be a weakling when it comes to holiday shopping, people. It is a time for physical contact with complete strangers. It is a time for tripping a-holes who are trying to beat you to the flat screens.
Old People 6 of 11For the love of God, if you're up at the butt-crack of dawn to cash in on a bargain or two DO NOT let old people fool you! They will look like they might need help and they may even appear to be in physical duress but trust me: it's all a ruse. They know that if they are stretchered to the back of the store, empathetic employees will often fetch them the sale products they want, ensuring them a successful outing plus some free ambulance grade oxygen. Sneaky, sneaky.
Try To Get In Front 7 of 11Listen. This is Black Friday, people. So, GET IN FRONT of the line, dammit. Otherwise you might not get the things you want and deserve. And you may end up in a nasty part of the throng getting your butt goosed by someone who wants to buy things way more than you do!
Think Big! 8 of 11Whatever you do, don't let your Black Friday be tainted by any sort of realistic economic considerations. There will be plenty of time for that crap later, when the bill collectors come a-callin'. For now, remember what you are out there in the frigid predawn blackness to do. And that's to shop! So, shuffle those credit cards and keep sliding them through until one of them sticks! You have a cart full of dreams! You need to get them out to the car no matter what!
Security Guards 9 of 11Security guards are just part of the game, so treat them that way. Before doors are opened, try and make eye contact with them. Don't be afraid to flirt a little with a few blinky-blinks and a tiny giggle smile. Have a guard or two on your side and it may very well come in handy later if you are seriously injured in a stampede and they have to make a choice as to whose life to save. Or, if you are arrested, it helps to have a friend with a badge. Even if it is a rent-a-cop one made out of a piece of old soda can.
Don’t Be A Hero 10 of 11Here's a simple question. Would you rather: A) Help people who have been caught up in the inhuman surge of suffering that occurs routinely in the early hours of Black Friday? OR... B) Get that flat screen TV you came in here for at the price you came to get it??!! EXACTLY. The correct answer is B. So, don't try and be a big hero when you see people down on their luck and getting crushed or whatever. Just be glad it isn't you and get that damn television already!
Know Your Rights 11 of 11As a shopper on a quest to capture amazing things at deeply discounted prices, YOU are aware of the alternative set of rules that apply to you but often the police are not. So, just be very clear and frank with them if or when you run into a little bit of trouble. Tell them who you are and that you were only trying to claim what is rightfully yours when things got a little bit messy. Be truthful, you have nothing to hide. Yes, a woman got her face scratched and her hair yanked out of her head. It happens. Tell them. "This is America. This is Black Friday. What did you expect?"
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