The last time you saw your sense of shame, you were lying on a gurney in the delivery room and a group of people were hunched over your privates. Ever since, you’ve grown bolder. More uninhibited. More… desperate. You say and do shameless stuff, especially around your kids, that you never imagined you had in you.
Of course, there’s also the fact that you are tired and not always rational. Some days, you will do anything to get your kids to behave/eat/sleep/leave you in peace. Some days, you will do anything just to get by.
These are the tactics plenty of us moms resort to. Not proudly. But, heck, they’re good.
Cereal Killer Instincts 1 of 11Nobody would ever know it to look at you but inside your body lurks a vacuum cleaner, ready to suck up whatever food the kids don't finish—Cheerios, mac 'n cheese, the cake part of the cupcake. Because you're somehow doing the environment good (right? RIGHT?!) and—wait for it—those calories don't count! Slurp.
Photo credit: Flickr/Y'amal
The Butt Sniff 2 of 11You're at the restaurant or in the mall or running after your child at the park when suddenly, you grow suspicious. You stick your face directly into his butt and inhale. Yep. Poop. You knew it! You used to be a woman who hesitated to put on lipstick in public. And yet now, you fearlessly sniff your child's bottom in public. Go you!
Photo credit: Flickr/Amber Strocel
Mamarazzi Moments 3 of 11"Kids! Smile! Would you please just smile?! Nope, didn't get it. OK, kids, just a few more photos! Smile! No, not like that, give me a real smile! Josh, stop squishing into your sister! Olivia, stop squinting! We're almost done! Could you both move a little to the left! Smile! No, come on, a real smile! Please? We're almost done!"
Photo credit: Flickr/donjd2
Sleep Stalking 4 of 11When your kid was little little, you'd sneak into her bedroom at night to make sure she was still breathing. Now you stand there and stare as she slumbers, marveling at how sweet she looks when, in fact, she is mind-boggling obnoxious in awake life.
Photo credit: Flickr/cathyse97
Passive-Aggressive Conversations 5 of 11You're ticked off at your husband for not volunteering to drive your kid to soccer practice. "Daddy couldn't drive you to soccer today," you tell your tot, "but I will!" You might be bringing on years of therapy but still. SO satisfying.
Photo credit: Flickr/rabbitdan
OCTD (Obsessive Compulsive Toy Disorder) 6 of 11It's 9 p.m. and you know you need to control yourself. But you just can't stop trying to locate the pink Polly Pocket shoe that's approximately the size of a rice grain. Because your life will be totally complete if you find it.
Photo credit: Flickr/Elizabeth/Table4Five
Hiding In Bed 7 of 11You're awakened by the pitter-patter sound of tiny feet approaching your bed. You warily open an eye: 5:47 a.m. Quickly you shut it as your child stands beside you, expectantly. "Mommy!" she says. You don't open your eyes, you don't move, you don't breathe. "Mommy!!!" she repeats. And you lie there pretending to sleep and praying she will miraculously go away.
Photo credit: Flickr/Dane Khy
The Snot Sleeve Swipe 8 of 11You used to be the girl who got grossed out by the sight of pee on a toilet seat. Now when your kid's nose is runny and there are no tissues handy, you've been known to wipe it with your sleeve or the hem of your top, without a second thought, a tradition passed down to you by your very own mother. Thanks, Mom.
Photo credit: Flickr/jeremytarling
The Dirt Spit Swipe 9 of 11You: "Honey, come here, let me wipe that smudge off your face." Your child: "Ewwwwwww!" You: "You were in my belly for nine months! A little spit's not gonna kill you!"
Photo credit: Flickr/Old Itch
Time Deception 10 of 11There comes an evening when you decide to pretend that you are child-less. So you put your darling to bed at some ridiculously early hour, while the sun is still shining, because she can't tell time. And then you settle onto the couch with a book and glass of wine and dread the day she grows up.
Photo credit: etsy/TammnoonyKids
Brazen Lying 11 of 11"Your fish got sick and I had to take him back to the store." "There aren't any cookies left!" "No, Barney is not on right now!" "Sorry, Chuck E. Cheese is closed!" "If you cross your eyes, they'll stay that way!" "If you don't stop crying, we're going home!" "The pacifier fairy came and took away your pacifier!" "But the medicine tastes good!"
Photo credit: iStock/timsa
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Read more from Ellen at her other blog, Love That Max
Photo credit: Etsy/Martha Cole