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12 Reasons I Want To Be A Toddler Again

CAN SOMEONE WAKE ME WHEN IT'S 2025? THANKS.

Like many of the parents you might see wandering through their days completely bewildered, I live with a toddler. It’s no small thing, surviving these little people. With a lack of control over bodily functions, language, emotional stability and survival instincts, toddlers walk through the world blissfully unaware of the havoc they wreak on us parents. I’ve consoled myself with what every other parent out there tells me, that this too shall pass, but then suddenly last night, listening to Z perform “Help!” for the 15 millionth time, it hit me: it’s not that I resent my son going through these stages. It’s just that I’m jealous. Here’s why I want to be a toddler again:

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  • You can do the same thing over and over and get congratulated for it EVERY TIME 1 of 13
    You can do the same thing over and over and get congratulated for it EVERY TIME
    Wait, you're waiting for me to clap because you stood up? Really? That's the definition of insanity wonderful, sweetheart!
  • Theres no shame in farting 2 of 13
    Theres no shame in farting
    Actually, there's no shame in anything. Which, last I heard, is a sign that you're a psychopath, but hey, that's a small price to pay in the scheme of things, isn't it?
  • Toilet paper is A-MA-ZING 3 of 13
    Toilet paper is A-MA-ZING
    No, seriously, have you seen this stuff? It's like a never-ending roll of heaven.
  • You decide when everyone should wake up 4 of 13
    You decide when everyone should wake up
    Who cares if it's 4 in the morning? You're up! Who else is up? Holla!
  • Someone else will deal with your crap 5 of 13
    Someone else will deal with your crap
    Literally. Figuratively. Regularly.
  • You get to start every sentence with I WANT 6 of 13
    You get to start every sentence with I WANT
    Which is totally what I want to do anyway all the time, but some adults are so lame about narcissism.
  • Want something? Youve got options 7 of 13
    Want something? Youve got options
    If someone else is holding it, grab it. If that doesn't work, knock them over. If that doesn't work, whine. That usually works with the tall people.
  • Don’t want something? Throw it! 8 of 13
    Don't want something? Throw it!
    This includes clothes, food, toys you hate, toys you love, and certain siblings.
  • All you need to do to hold up your end of the conversation is ask “why?” 9 of 13
    All you need to do to hold up your end of the conversation is ask "why?"
    Never mind that you don't really care, never mind that you've asked why the seat-belt is black, the tall people will be convinced that you need this information and will stop at nothing (including calls to smarter tall people) to let you know.
  • All you need to do to make the tall people nervous is say “no” 10 of 13
    All you need to do to make the tall people nervous is say "no"
    Especially when they are smiling and nodding.
  • You’re not afraid of total grossness 11 of 13
    You're not afraid of total grossness
    Bugs! Buggers! Eating crap off the carpet! You're like the ninja of disgusting.
  • No matter how unclean you are, you get love 12 of 13
    No matter how unclean you are, you get love
    Wait, you just frenched the subway floor? And now you want to kiss my mouth? Oh God, fine. No really. Come here.
  • Then again … 13 of 13
    Then again ...
    Not everyone agrees with me on this one. John Cave Osborne, for example, has a pretty damn good list of reasons why he'd never be a toddler again. What do you think?

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