Yes we’re still in a recession and money is tight for everyone, especially around the holidays. Rather than lecture everyone on buying fewer gifts for the kids or some such bullshit suggestion which you will never follow and resent the hell out of me for even saying, here are some more realistic money saving tips that make much more sense.
Downgrade Clay Aiken fan club status from Platinum to Premier.
Take up a collection in your office to help you fight your battle against Restless Leg Syndrome.
Why pricy condoms when Saran wrap and a twist tie cost just pennies?
Switch from Sudafed to the less expensive generic decongestant to supply your meth lab.
Get back to working full time and stalking your ex part time.
Invest an extra hour a day to file a lot more frivolous lawsuits.
Make the switch from Freudian therapy to aroma-therapy.
When it comes to dental floss, employ the buddy system.
Claim your other five personalities as deductions on your taxes.
If you give someone a gift card for the holidays, “forget” to activate it!
Instead of a pricey art collection, what about a cheaper hobby such as collecting dead bodies in your basement?
Find that Bangladeshi kid you sponsored in the 80’s and collect with 9 percent compound interest.
Take all of your credit cards and mail them to a safe location — like my house — so that you won’t use them.
Try sleeping with your husband more so he’s not forced to blow so much money on hookers.
Rather than spending money on gifts for people’s birthdays, put on some make-up and when you show up to their party, let them know they are getting the “gift” of your face.
Have any good ones of your own? Leave them in the comments and I will award the best one…nothing. I’m trying to save money.
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