Categories

50 Shades of Mommy Porn?

Do these come in extra-large?

I love a good beach book.  A book that sucks me in just enough to allow me the freedom to escape into someone else’s life without having to break a sweat. My last quick read was the lovely Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout but I’ve also at one time or another devoured the entire Harry Potter series as well as the Twilight saga.  Nothing like reading the same book as a 12-year-old to make you feel young again.

So when I heard that 50 Shades of Grey was topping the book charts as the next best summer read for adults I was eager to check it out.  And I can’t lie, I was intrigued that people were referring to it as “Mommy Porn.” Currently the only acceptable form of Mommy Porn out there is “Hey, Girl” pictures of a topless Ryan Gosling asking Moms if they are interested in talking about the safety features of car seats etc. (And yes, yes I am!)

At this point, most of the planet knows something about 50 Shades of Grey and to the author’s credit: Bravo for that.  It involves the story of twenty-one year old computer-less university graduate Anastasia Steele and the extremely affluent for his age but emotionally disturbed twenty-seven year old Christian Grey.  Think Twilight with a bondage room.  Where the Twilight series features the powerless mousey loner Bella who is taken up by the extremely rich and troubled vampire Edward, 50 Shades of Grey uses the same premise and goes that one step further by including a massively complicated sex life that is apparently directly related to the fact that Christian was abused as a child.  Where Vampire Edward was too terrified to have sex with Bella for fear of ripping her apart Christian can’t wait  to pull out the whips, chains and silver balls.  He makes it clear there is no chance of love even though it’s obvious his submissive Anna is falling in love with him.

Complicated enough for you?  Oh yeah, hold on, she’s also a virgin who on her first night of sex has multiple orgasms.   Perhaps having a car, a phone, a computer, an entire new wardrobe and first class plane tickets bought for you in the first month or so of a relationship is a real turn on?  Or maybe it’s because he follows her and stalks her while she is on a vacation WITH HER MOTHER?

Okay, I can see the humor in this.  In fact I’m sure the fine folks at SNL have written so many parodies on 50 Shades that they are having trouble narrowing down the selection.  But I’ve heard people say that, “they know someone who knows someone,” who said this book increased their sex drive and saved their marriage.  I phoned my best friend to get her thoughts and she had to admit the “silver balls” gave her pause as she imagined the only way they’d “stay up there” after having 3 children is if they were the size of 5 pin bowling balls.

In Anastasia, E L James has created a female character who doesn’t think very much of herself.  Sure she’s managed to secure a fantastic GPA without the benefits of owning a computer but she’ll do absolutely anything for the benefit of this man.  When Anastasia says no it actually means yes.  I hate you for buying me a car!  But I’ll take it!  Ugh!  You bought me a phone!  Okay fine!  My inner Goddess says Yes!  My brain is melting!  I don’t want to do this but I can’t believe you like me!

Frankly, it’s every mother’s worst nightmare. Yes, I am now that woman who thinks about this stuff.

That being said, there is no harm in discussing or exploring pleasure. Your husband most likely is not going to show up in an Audi with a driver and then tie you up to a bed post while only wearing linen pants that hug his hips and highlight his perfectly sculpted torso.  But, he may look pretty darn sexy ironing your blouse, watering the plants or asking if he can get you a coffee.  And with the right tone, “What should we have for dinner tonight?” might just do the trick.

Go get him Missy:  You computer-literate, phone-wizard, discount-flight junkie, kid-scheduling, job-juggling, sexy beast you…

p.s. I downloaded the second book because I’m secretly hoping Christian Grey isn’t as douchey as he seems.  I’ll let you how it goes because to date he’s currently my definition of what I’d tell my daughters to run screaming from.

p.p.s And then there is sweet Ryan:

Ryan, I can't hear you with your shirt on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Follow Sam and Allana on Twitter because The Huffington Post said so.

And Facebook…like us there.  Please like us?

Check out our pals from Babble Voices on — Facebook!

Check out other posts by  Sam and Allana:

The Gift of Boredom

Poo

In Which I Discuss Moving To The Suburbs

In Which Allana’s Boob Is Grazed By Oprah

 

Tagged as: ,

Use a Facebook account to add a comment, subject to Facebook's Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. Your Facebook name, profile photo and other personal information you make public on Facebook (e.g., school, work, current city, age) will appear with your comment. Learn More.