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6 Ways Valentine’s Day is Really Halloween

This time of year I hear a lot of hate about Valentine’s Day, and I think all our problems with it could be alleviated if we’d just admit the truth: Valentine’s Day is Halloween without the costumes.

Think about it:

It’s all about the candy. Seriously. Do you really want to get–or give–flowers or a teddy bear? No. You want candy. And maybe oral sex. But mostly candy. And this time of year you don’t even have to roam around with a pillowcase begging for it, or dodge Bits O’ Honey. Advantage: VD

It’s fun for kids, but too much pressure for adults. Assuming the kids go to a school at which every kid has to give valentines to every other kid so no one gets singled out, Valentine’s Day is pure fun for kids. Candy, bad puns, and an excuse to not do schoolwork for part of the day. In contrast, adults are all freaked out about what to wear and who’s expecting what when and what everything MEANS and how many Weight Watchers Points Plus all that candy is. And the stupid radio plays way too many love songs and not enough “She Blinded Me With Science.” Advantage: Halloween

If you delve too deep, the actual origins of the holiday are thoroughly gruesome. Halloween: The night in which the barrier between the dead and the living is lowest, so evil spirits are everywhere. Valentine’s Day: various martyred saints and a mob massacre. Advantage: no one.

Somebody’s using the day as an excuse to dress in an inappropriately sexy way. Red camisoles as office wear are hideous, as are sexy nurse costumes, sexy devils, sexy cats, sexy zombies, sexy Mitt Romneys, etc. Advantage: it’s a draw.

The only people who care about it are retailers and people who hate it. At Halloween it’s the retailers and “Halloween is eeeeeville” people who care about Halloween, and everyone else just shuts up, puts their noses to the grindstone to find costumes for their kids, and that’s it. At Valentine’s Day it’s the retailers and newly lovey-dovey paired-up people who care about Valentine’s Day, and everyone else just buys SpongeBob-themed valentines for their kids to hand out and a bag of Dove hearts to eat alone after everyone else in the house is asleep. Advantage: retailers.

When you wake up the next morning it’s totally over and you don’t have to think about it for another 11 1/2 months. Unless you choose to stock up on half-price candy. Advantage: you.

So try to hang in there a few more hours until it’s over. It could always be worse–you could be dressed like a sexy nun.

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