It seems like everyone and their mother (literally) is having twins these days. I can think of a ton of celebrities that have them —Angelina Jolie, Rebecca Romijn, Mariah Carey, J Lo, Sarah Jessica Parker, Nancy Grace – I could really go on all day but who has the time? I have TWINS! I can’t be expected to Google my precious preschool time away. And now that having twins is so common place, it seems like people on the street want to just come right up and engage in conversation rather than standing back and treating us like an exhibit at the zoo which I’d find far more comfortable. Maybe that’s just me.
All I can say is, if you are going to approach a mom of twins, especially a new mom, let me just give you a few of my least favorite comments and questions. As always, I’m just trying to help.
1. You are doubly blessed. Not every multiples mom is brimming over with joy at all the extra work involved in managing twins. They might be feeling overwhelmed and you saying how “blessed” they are will only add to the guilt they might be putting on themselves for, well, possibly feeling cursed. I know you mean well, I know it comes from love but I’d venture a guess that 99.9% of the people who whip out this cliche don’t actually have twins and thus have no idea what they’re talking about.
2. They’re twins? Really? They look so…different. Okay, this is one I get all the time so maybe I’m being oversensitive here but how do you expect a person to respond to this? “Yeah, I’m pretty sure they came out during the same trip to the hospital.” Or “Oh, shit. You know what? I may have walked out of the hospital with an extra baby! Not again!”
3. Did you conceive them naturally? I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard this question and how many times I’ve thought in my head, “It’s none of your freakin’ business.” I don’t mind if you are actively going through fertility treatments or if you are another mother of twins, but the random looky-loo pisses me off. Mainly because I didn’t use fertility drugs and so then I have to tell you that when you are of advanced maternal age (read old geezer) your uterus starts dropping eggs left and right and your chances of having twins goes up. And that shit’s embarrassing.
4. Do twins run in your family? (SEE NUMBER 3)
5. Oh God, if I had twins I would die. It’s not a car accident, it’s an extra kid. You wouldn’t die, you’d adjust the same way I had to and the same way millions of people have to every day. Now buy me a sandwich.
6. I always wanted to have twins! So there you are watching me struggle with my double stroller unable to simply get this behemoth through the front doors of Starbucks where I will end up being forced to buy my kids cookies or listen to them scream “I want cookies” for half and hour, and you want to stop me to let me know that if you were in my position, you’d be super excited. Simply put, you are blind, insensitive or both. But do you want to make up for it? Hold the fucking door open for me!
7. How is it possible that you had twins? You look amazing! Hold on, did I say don’t say this? I mean, say this! And then repeat it a few times. And then say, “has anyone ever said you look like a slightly hotter version of Angelina Jolie?” It’s a terrific ice breaker.
8. I bet you never ever have sex anymore. No one’s actually said this to me out loud but I’d bet my house that you’ve said it in your head. And anyway, you’re wrong. A few times a year is hardly never.