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8 Reasons Family Road Trips Kill Your Soul Dead

My family and I went down to Hilton Head Island over President’s Day weekend, and I have to admit, I was a bit skeptical about going to the beach in February. But, believe it or not, the weather totally cooperated and we had an absolute blast. In fact, I wouldn’t change a single thing about our vacation. Well, with the exception of the car rides to and from.

Because driving 436 miles with an infant, three 4-year-olds and a 10-year old truly sucks. Here’s why:


  • Limited vocabulary 1 of 8
    Limited vocabulary

    For adults, a long car ride presents the rare opportunity for us to collect our thoughts. But kids can't really do that, at least not to the extent that we can. Think about it: the average adult's vocabulary consists of 6,000 words, while the average 4-year-old's vocabulary is only 350 words. What's more, studies show that during prolonged car rides, a 4-year-old's vocabulary actually drops to just three words: "How," "much," and "longer."
    Photo Credit

  • No concept of time 2 of 8
    No concept of time

    But I don't even know why they constantly ask, "How much longer?" They have absolutely zero concept of time. For example:
    Triplets: How much longer?
    JCO: 4 hours.
    Triplets: How long does that take?
    Photo Credit

  • It’s all relative 3 of 8
    It's all relative

    The triplets are four. I'm 42. So eight hours to me is like 84 to them. And, if I'm being honest, I'd wager to guess that I'd probably lose my shit at some point in time during an 84-hour journey. (But five minutes in? C'mon, kids. Work with me.)
    Photo Credit

  • No one’s got the drugs I need 4 of 8
    No one's got the drugs I need

    For the kids. They lose it because they're so anxious. There's something that helps ease anxiety, you know, but I'm pretty sure dosing your kids with a couple of pre-trip Xannies is frowned upon. Not that I've ever thought of doing that or anything.
    Photo Credit

  • Inventors aren’t getting it right 5 of 8
    Inventors aren't getting it right

    C'mon, people, you gave us hand sanitizer, so how about the Car Potty Seat? We could call it the Cotty Seat. BOOM. You'll be rich, I'll be happy.
    Photo Credit

  • They’re too big for diapers 6 of 8
    They're too big for diapers

    Let's face it: until some enterprising (and possibly noseless?) inventor comes up with the Cotty Seat, bathroom stops are a given. Though, now that I think about it, I do know some parents who put their little ones in diapers while on the road even if their kids are already potty trained thus eliminating many if not all such stops. But, I dunno, y'all. First off, I'd worry that would trigger regression. And second, what if one of my kids grew up to be a lovesick astronaut? I just don't know if I'd be able to forgive myself.
    Photo Credit

  • It’s a jungle back there 7 of 8
    It's a jungle back there

    You know what makes car trips a lot easier? DVR players. You know what makes them a lot harder? The fistfights that often break out in the middle of the Dora Scooby Doo negotiations.
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  • There’s nothing in it for them 8 of 8
    There's nothing in it for them

    There's exactly one thing that keeps my wife and I chugging right along during these brutal road trips: the knowledge that a cocktail (or two) awaits us at the end of our journey. But you know what my kids have to look forward to? A hurried bath followed by an early bedtime. Which, if you ask me, is a pretty shitty carrot. Which brings me back to #2 and #4 (and many of my other reasons) — if we're just gonna put them to bed once we get there, what's all the fuss about? Maybe we should consider flying. Next month: 8 Reasons Why Flying With Kids Makes Me Want to Kill The Friendly Skies Top Photo Credit

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