Every year I tell myself I’m going to watch the Academy Awards®, and every year I end up not watching it. Why is that? Well, one of the reasons I always think I’ll watch it is that I like to keep up with pop culture. I love to make predictions, and I love to be able to weigh in with an opinion on any and all hot topics. I especially love it if my opinion is the unpopular one, but I have a sneaking suspicion that this year will be no exception to my successful run of missing the Oscars®. Here’s what’s working against me this year:
1. I hated the movie Her with a passion.
Now this might actually be a reason to watch this year. Sort of like the way I hate-listen to Dr. Laura, I might be interested in getting angry at listening to people gush about one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. Please, please comment if you hated it too. I mean, seriously, he’s in love with a sexy voice and not one of his friends tells him he might need a psych eval? Also, the mustache was reason alone that it should not have been nominated.
2. I don’t give two craps about what anyone is wearing.
I have never met a ballgown I didn’t find silly. I can’t understand the interest in watching commentators discuss whose floor length blue curtain of an off-the-shoulder dress is “stunning” and whose was “ridiculous.” It’s the same damn dress!
I’ve never heard one person describe this movie without sounding completely pretentious. Yes, Alfonso Cuarón made a visually amazing movie, but did you listen to any of the dialogue? It sounds like a bad episode of a hospital drama where one bad thing after another happens and there’s lots of equipment breaking down that’s hard to pronounce. Also, the scene where George Clooney is about to sail off into space never to be heard from again is ridiculous. I mean, is it really the time for George Clooneyish banter? The guy can’t stop “being George Clooney” even for a second. It’s annoying.
4. Too many small awards.
Unless you’re in the business (specifically the editing business) and really not even then … why would anyone care who wins an Oscar® for best sound mixing? Have you ever in your entire life of seeing movies nudged the person you’re watching with and said, “The sound mixing on this is exquisite”? If you have, then I stand corrected.
5. It’s too long.
Even with music playing the long-winded speeches off the stage, the whole thing is too long.
6. I have three kids.
Kids have a way of putting a damper on any sort of TV event you may be foolish enough to try and watch. First off, there’s always an episode of Zoey 101 from 2005 that they absolutely must watch, and you are ruining their life by denying them this one thing! When you do finally wrestle the remote away from them, you will just hear a string of “booooooring” from them until you have to admit that yeah, it is sort of boring.
7. I only feel meh about most of these movies.
Gravity, Dallas Buyers Club, Nebraska, American Hustle, 12 Years a Slave, Blue Jasmine … none of them lived up to the hype for me. I thought Captain Phillips was pretty good and Lone Survivor kept my interest, but my two favorite movies of the year got zilch. Enough Said and Fruitvale Station were snubbed this year, and it makes me much less inclined to watch.
8. It’s so completely random.
Who will win? No one knows. That’s because it has little to do with what audiences actually think of the movies and more to do with politics. How else did Ang Lee win Best Director last year over Ben Affleck? Maybe that’s why I’m not going to watch this year; I’m still mad for Ben Affleck! Yeah, that’s what I’m going to tell myself when I’m eating El Pollo Loco and watching Zoey 101 for the fifth time that night.
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