Have you been dreaming about a family vacation? Picturing yourself and the kids hiking through waterfalls in the morning, then lolling the afternoon away on a pristine beach? Or are you a more cosmopolitan type and want to explore Cool Britannia now swimming in current Monarchist Prince George Mania? Perhaps an off-the-grid adventure in politically unstable but historically rich exotic locales? Sounds heavenly. But let’s be honest … usually it isn’t, is it? Paul Theroux said it best, “Travel is glamorous only in retrospect.” And for some of us not even then.
So step away from the car, plane, or Hyperloop (have you heard of the Hyperloop? It doesn’t exist yet but soon promises to take you from L.A. to San Francisco in only 30 minutes. Once it exists, pretend this post doesn’t, because I’ll be all for travel again). Get back in your house. Shut the front door, send the kids out the back one and turn on the A/C because here are 8 damn good reasons to stay home this August and ditch your typical family vacation.
The Griswolds 1 of 8
You will look like them. Unless you have the funds for a private jet and a nanny for each child, you will look like bedraggled Clark and Ellen with sullen Rusty and Audrey in tow (but hopefully not Aunt or any other deceased relative), and then discover that Walley World is closed for repairs. Worse yet, you will feel like the Griswolds. Which brings me to...
Exhaustion 2 of 8
Countless times I've heard the phrase, "I need a vacation from my vacation." Parents are already tired enough, and with mom having to pack for five people and dad under the added stress of being lost, but determined not to ask for directions,it's just cruel. Have a pajama day instead.
Infantile Amnesia and Anywhere But Here Syndrome 3 of 8
I've written about the memory conundrum with small children. If you're lucky, a five year old will be unlikely to retain more than a hazy recollection of sunburn. If they're six or older, they'd really rather just be in the pool with their friends. Save yourself the trouble and make s'mores in the backyard.
**Photo Courtesy of Morguefile, By Digitalproductions**
No Rest For The Wicked 4 of 8
It's the digital age, and we're all aging rapidly in our inability to escape work. Of course you have email access — you're not fooling anyone. If you can't disconnect, you may as well connect in a comfortable office chair with the A/C on.
Planes, Trains and Automobiles 5 of 8
Travel used to have an aura of glamor — think Agatha Christie's Orient Express or Catch Me If You Can's luxurious life of a Pan Am pilot. Now? I used to say I felt like herded cattle, but I bet cattle don't get bumped from their reservations. Cars, as souped up and comfortable as they've gotten, still have the caveat of needing to be driven for hours on highways filled with drunken, gun-toting hooligans who think an indicator is something you can find in the cookware section of the King Kullen. Best to stay home as it's all a nightmare. Unless this guy is your flight attendent.
**Photo Courtesy of Morguefile, By KConnors**
$$$ 6 of 8
It doesn't matter that cattle balk at Amtrak and Southwest airlines; they'll still charge you as if they flew you to the moon and back. Hotels as well, even though they are they lead perpetrator of....
**Photo Courtesy of Morguefile, By ferguweb**
Sleep Tight 7 of 8
Bedbug blight!! It's truly shocking and not a little nasty how many cities have become home to the icky vermin in an infestation not seen since the middle ages. The Huffington Post lists the cities with the most. Mostly spread through hotel stays. Not worth leaving the house.
**Photo Courtesy of Morguefile, By phaewilk**
Hurrication 8 of 8
Not worth leaving the house until you have to. Given the current environment, many of us will have a forced evacuation sometime within the next few years anyway. Save up for then.
**Photo Courtesy of Morguefile, By Grafixar**