I have just spent the last 30 minutes searching for my hairbrush. I have one measly hairbrush. My son has his own, and my daughter has her own, but I’m sure they lost theirs so they’ve taken mine. Now I have no brush. I’ll go out in public today, and probably miss out on being discovered by America’s Next Top Model because I couldn’t brush my hair.
It’s not just my brush. It’s everything. Despite multiple purchases in bulk of those items I need daily, there are none to be found anywhere. I search the junk drawers. My office drawer. The kids’ art supplies. The bathroom drawers. My purse. The floors of my children’s rooms. Their backpacks. Under the couch cushions. Behind the cat. It doesn’t matter. Nothing I need is readily available to me.
You could say it’s old age, and you’d be partially right. I do tend to misplace things more often now. It’s not just my age, though. It’s my rascally children. They’re out to get me. Every time I turn around they’ve absconded with another one of the household items I require to live through the day.
I’m thinking of creating a locked supply closet managed only by me. In order to use an item in the closet, those seeking said item will be required to present an ID card and fill out a requisition form in triplicate. This would probably work, except for the likelihood that I’d lose the key to the closet. And the forms …
Herewith, the 8 items I can never find, and how their disappearance is ruining my life:
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It Cuts Deep 1 of 8I buy a pair of scissors each and every time I go to the grocery store. Every. Time. Yet when I need a pair of scissors there isn't one. I'm not asking for a lot. I'm left-handed, but you won't see me demanding a leftie pair. I don't even need a grown-up pair. I'd settle for some blunt-nosed, plastic safety scissors designed for kindergartners if I could just have something to cut with when it's time for cutting. Excuse me while I chew open this box with my teeth.
Photo credit: © Wendy Kaveney - Fotolia.com
Bad Hair Day 2 of 8There are two females in my house, both with hair to their shoulder blades. Anyone who knows anything would know this means a constant supply of hair bands is crucial. Yet can I find a hair band? Ever? No. This is because my daughter wants the school to think I don't care about the giant knot nests in her hair, which I could have cleverly disguised with a well-placed ponytail.
Photo credit: © Asya Babushkina - Fotolia.com
Can’t Hold It Together 3 of 8Tape. Another thing I buy in bulk that I can't find when I need it. There's probably a massive tape tumbleweed blowing down a deserted road somewhere made from all the tape that has been lifted from my supplies. Stuck to it are 1,000 missing hair bands.
Photo credit: © Sergej Razvodovskij - Fotolia.com
Things Left Unwritten 4 of 8Pencils. Pens. Sharpies. I buy them in bulk, and yet when I need to write something the only things available to me are pencil nubs, inkless pens and dried out markers. Some day someone's going to ask me to sign something important, like the Declaration of Independence, and I won't be able to because my children don't care about my historical legacy.
Photo credit: © Africa Studio - Fotolia.com
Cough, Cough 5 of 8I buy socks in packs of 400, but my kids lose them all nonetheless. Then they borrow mine. This is why my toes are cold and why I'm probably suffering from a deadly form of the flu right this minute.
Photo credit: © jbrown - Fotolia.com
Sorry, We’re Not Home Right Now 6 of 8There are three handsets in my house. Not one of them is in its proper holder at this moment. One day, the president will call me to ask my advice on foreign affairs, and I won't be able to answer and offer it because my children don't understand the positive impact I could have on the economic crisis in Greece.
Photo credit: © Robert Pernell - Fotolia.com
Claws of Death 7 of 8I probably own 26 pairs of nail clippers, both fingernail and toenail variety. You wouldn't know this by looking at my children's hands, which feature vampire-style claws because someone has stolen ALL 26 PAIRS of my nail clippers. On the bright side, claws of death make for great Halloween costumes.
Photo credit: Katherine Stone
Bad Hair Day, Part Deux 8 of 8I think Tyra would have liked me. Guess I'll never find out.
Photo credit: © Image Source IS2 - Fotolia.com