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9 Things I’ll Never Do Before I Die

6840503054_7f0f31f36dEver have one of those startling moments when you realize that for whatever reason, be it age, marital status, motherhood or just because you’re too damned tired there is something you always thought maybe you’d experience that you never will? Yeah. I have those moments all the time! Some people have a bucket list —a list of things they want to do before they die – well I have a f#*k It list which is a list of things I know I’ll never do before I die but I just don’t care anymore. Heck, there are plenty of things I did do that I never thought I would and I like to focus on that. But just for grins, here’s my F-it list:

1. Ecstasy – I always wanted to try this party drug because for some reason it really seemed up my alley (except for the possible hallucinations of which I’m not a fan) but I never ever will. First of all there’s my pesky sobriety. But really, even if I wasn’t sober, hard drugs were just never going to happen since I had kids. Am I going to score them driving around in my minivan? Be serious.

2. Do gymnastics -So I stopped training after 6th grade – that’s not the point. The point is that I always loved gymnastics and was bitter that I had to stop training so young. I imagined that I could have been amazing (or at least able to do a back flip without a foam pit to fall into) and even until recently thought I might take some sort of adult gymnastics class. But let’s be realistic, I’m 47 and one bad cartwheel could put me in traction. Not worth it.

3. Push a baby out of my hoo-ha -I’ve had two C-sections and I’m just fine with it. I’ve even written about how fine with it I am. But still…I sometimes wonder what that experience would’ve been like. I’m assuming horrible so WHATEVER.

4. Practice law -I would have made a great lawyer…you know had I gone to law school or, okay, college even. If I had done any sort of book learnin’ I think I would have kicked some court room ass. I love to argue and I’m pretty sure that’s all there is to it. So I guess I’ll have to keep considering myself an amateur lawyer and just argue over parking spaces.

5. Put out a singing CD -It would have been cool. If I were ever to become a cast member on any Real Housewives franchise, my first move would be releasing my album of pop songs. I totally get those ladies.

6. Go hang gliding —I used to gaze up at cliffs by the beach and think that someday that would be me. Flying like a bird, not a care in the world, tempting fate or death or gravity. But, along with other higher risk activities, I can’t do it knowing I have three young kids waiting for me on the ground. Not knocking people who do risk their lives for a sport but it’s not for me.

7. Rock a bikini —It was never actually meant to be even when I was much younger (due to a cellulite issue). I’m not saying I would never wear a bikini, but rocking it would take surgery and strict dieting and who the hell wants to do that? Not me. I will just wear my Miracle Slimming one pieces proudly and use self tanner liberally.

8. The high ear pierce Ya know, the old high cartilage ear pierce is just a younger woman’s game. Sure I got a tattoo last year (and I’d do it again) but somehow it just seems awkward to go piercing my ear toward the top at 47. I went for a second pierce in one ear with a needle and a potato and that’s it. I’m not looking back.

9. Backpack through Europe Not. Gonna. Happen. If I go to Europe again I will be staying in a beautiful villa on some f-ing mountain top overlooking all of f-ing Italy. It’s gonna be badass and relaxing. There will be a pool, fresh fruit, delicious cheeses and an insanely mother f’in comfy ass bed. Anyone have any accommodations like that? Email me!
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