I’m nine months pregnant, ‘yo.
Quite honestly, I don’t have the faintest idea how this possibly happened. First there were the years of infertility, then there was the joy of getting pregnant, and then there was the not-so-joy of not having such an easy pregnancy. But nine months? Heh? Without stooping so low as to say that time really flew, let me just say: time really flew.
So now I’m here, and I’m waiting. A baby is coming soon, they all say, and by the size of her and the size of me, it seems pretty clear that she’s got no more room and no where else to go.
So now, as I face down the last couple weeks, I wonder about all the things I should be doing that I haven’t yet.
Hence, the list.
9 Things to Do When You’re Nine Months Pregnant
- Lay around all day. No really, all day.
- Finally try the classic combination of pickles and ice cream and see if it’s really as amazing as they all say it is.
- Tell someone, when they ask, that you are only 5 months pregnant, and watch their face attempt to absorb this news in a kind, non-offensive manner. Preferably do not then tell them the truth, and let them continue to believe for the rest of their lives that they just saw the largest 5-month pregnant person who has ever walked the earth.
- Pull the “pregnancy card” on something you really don’t want to do, and make someone else do it. Need to go to Home Depot to buy screws for the baby crib? No thanks. I’ll take a pass. But luckily I know a certain father-to-be just primed for the outing!
- Pull the “pregnancy card” on some social event you really don’t want to go to, and don’t go. Got to go to dinner at that family friends’ house that always makes nasty Mexican food? Sorry, you’re feeling exhausted. Nine months and all. They’ll understand.
- Do that thing that everyone says you will never be able to do once you have the baby (especially if it’s your first). Go on a date with your significant other, go to a movie in the middle of the day, play hookie from life. Do it. Now.
- Watch that video of men experiencing labor pains and laugh. And then cry. Because that will be you.
- Buy something for you, and only you. Because presents, from here on out, are for her.
- Pack that hospital bag. Because it’s not always about not getting the things done that you need to.