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A Conversation Between A Woman And Her Spanx

This is not what my underwear looks like.

SCENE:

A woman and her Spanx both punch in for work at a time clock.

A work whistle is heard blowing in the distance.

Woman: Mornin’, Spanx.

Spanx: Mornin’, Sam.

(The Spanx stops the woman, with a gentle touch.)

Spanx: Listen, before you go to work, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.

Actually, we’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.

Woman: Who? What do you mean?

Spanx: Me and the girls have been talking. You know, ‘Tank Top’, ‘Full Body Slip’, ‘Giant Panties’…

Woman: And..?

Spanx:…and, we want you to know that we love you. Dearly.

Woman (becoming concerned): Well, I love you too. I mean, I really really love you. I need you.

Spanx (softly): Well, that’s just the thing. We think you might need us too much. Your dependence on us is straining the limits of what modern fabric can accomplish.

Woman: Oh my God. Are you breaking up with me?

Spanx: You can’t just replace exercise by wearing tighter and tighter foundation garments. You can’t.

Woman (beginning to cry): Yes I can!

Spanx: Listen to us. We see the person you used to be, the person who was capable of amazing things. You used to read books by grownups, and eat food from a breakable plate at a table. Now the most you can do are headlines and pull-out recipe cards from Martha Stewart Living that you stole while you were waiting at the dentist’s office.

Woman: Those were old and no one wanted them anymore!

Spanx: You eat furtively, like a criminal who lives under a bridge. Your shoulders are hunched over–

Woman:–I’m busy!

Spanx: You eat like a dingo.

Woman: (*sob*)

Spanx: The worst part is, you eat up to nine partial meals every day. You don’t have to finish every mini-waffle that your kids drop on the floor, you know, you really don’t. And you eat too fast. Not every meal should find you engaged in a private battle for supremacy with your undergarments.

Woman: But making everybody think my abdominal tautness comes from muscle tone may be my greatest accomplishment as an adult. You could bounce a coin off my stomach.

Spanx (sadly): That’s only because Tencel is actually quite bouncy.

(Long pause)

Woman: OK, fine. I’m hearing you.

Spanx: Thank you. This is great. This represents progress…

Woman: I’m hearing that I may need to start ‘doubling up’ on you. That’ll help.

Spanx: No! You must have misunderstood me! That’s not what I’m saying! Please, we can’t work any harder than we already do! We can’t pull anymore double shifts…God—we’re going to suffocate under all those extra layers!

The woman slowly wrenches an additional tank top over the one she was already wearing. She appears extra slim and trim in her full length mirror. She smiles to herself.

Genius.

 

 

 

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