How Women Ruin Their Sex Lives
Time for some girl talk. I’m all for happy marriages. And a satisfying sex life can help contribute to that. Problem is, there are a lot of women that aren’t feeling it. There are certainly many complicated reasons why people don’t enjoy sex. But in honor of marriage and in honor of trying to help women to feel empowered, I’m happy to start up a conversation that really never happens: what are women doing that could be contributing to their unsatisfying sex lives? This list is simply to be a reminder to us all to think about whether or not we are doing our part here. Cause who doesn’t want to feel pretty darn good about that part of our lives? If there’s something we can do about it, I say we go for it!
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Having Sex Just For Someone Else, and Not For Yourself
Have you had a long day? Think to yourself that you deserve to get some.... :) This attitude will likely drive your husband nuts.
image source: Melanie Mauer -
Not Wearing Your Birthday Suit Often Enough
Yep. Find a way to work that thing in. Being naked leads to good things.
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Not Thinking About Sex Enough
This might take some deliberate effort to work some sexxxy thoughts into your busy day. But do it anyway. You'll definitely greet your husband with more enthusiasm when you see him.
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Not Having Underwear That Fits
You see this thing? It's a bra extender. Confession: After 5 weeks traveling in Europe, I needed one of these. But well, it makes taking the thing off a bit tricky (per my husband). So if you can, maybe ditch the bra extenders. Haha. And treat yourself to good-fitting underwear all around.
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Starting Too Late
Do you normally go to bed at 10 pm? Midnight? 2 am? Whatever your norm is, make some advances an hour before...it's the easiest way to make sure no one's "too tired."
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Having a Bad Attitude About Sex
It seems so many women blow sex off or don't consider it a priority. And they think that's ok. This is not okay. It's one of the most important aspects of a healthy marriage. A simple change in how you view it can do wonders.
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Only Having Sex in the Bedroom
Let's mix it up, people. Obviously, if you have children, privacy becomes a concern. In that case, take advantage when your kids are away. Or make good use of your bedroom wall. :)
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Being Too Critical of Your Own Appearance
This is one huge damper on a good sex life. Even if you don't look like your ideal self, try not to be critical of your amazing and beautiful body. Instead, work to take care of your body physically, but also work to change the critical and negative scripts in your head (or in conversations with others). Doing this will fill you with the most attractive and desirable kind of beauty :)
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Not Taking Care of Yourself Physically and Mentally
No one feels good by not taking good care of themselves. Not possible. Do yourself and your spouse a favor by working in a daily walk or run.
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Not Showering, Not Making Sure You Smell Great
Yikes. This is a habit that can easily happen for stay at home moms or work from home women...but......I'm sure you'd agree that it doesn't exactly put you in the mood. Maybe our husbands don't care. But I'd say most women do care and may hold back from going for it in the moment.
image source: A Blog About Love -
Crticizing Your Spouse's Performance or Appearance
No thanks. No one wants that. To communicate lovingly, instead, praise the things you DO like. He'll figure it out. :)
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Never Showing Some Appreciation for Your Spouse and His Advances
Sex makes people feel vulnerable. Make your partner feel like a stud for his efforts.
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Say No, No, No.......
Saying no over and over might lead to your spouse giving up. And then that could lead to hurt feelings and distance. Instead, make it a priority to figure out why you're saying no. Is it lack of desire? One of the best tricks for that is actually having more sex :) It can increase your libido!
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Complaining That You Don't Enjoy Sex & Not Doing Anything About It Or Putting It Off
Again, do your part to figure this out. If you have some fears or worries about sex, don't put it off. Don't be afraid to consult with a marriage or sex therapist. There's hope!
image source: Kate Spade -
Not Letting Your Spouse Know You Enjoy It
Most good husbands want nothing more than to please their wives. :) And it means the world to them to know that you are enjoying it, too.
image source: The Glitter Guide
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Nice list, Mara! I follow your blog regularly, and I think you are spot on! You seem like such a wonderful lady!
xoxo
~BB
BB- Thanks so much! I appreciate your kind comment…
This post was so well done! Good job, Mara! A good sexual relationship is important in any marriage. When it’s good it does not seem to matter much, but when it is not, it becomes a big deal. So, I agree, we women need to do our part. Thanks for reminding us of that.
“It seems so many women blow sex off or don’t consider it a priority. And they think that’s ok. This is not okay.”
Is it just me, or does EVERYTHING need to be “prioritized” these days? Every where I look, there’s an expert stressing the importance SOMETHING whether it’s making home cooked meals using local, seasonal, organic ingredients or sweating it out at the gym 4-5 days a week. Oh, and since nothing is more important than quality family time, be sure to block out a 1/2 hour each night to read to your kids. Otherwise they won’t get into Harvard. And self-care . . . don’t forget to “invest” in a weekly massage – “you’re worth it”! But none of these things (nor your, ahem, JOB) should cut into your 8 hours of sleep. You ARE getting 8 hours of sleep, aren’t you? AREN’T YOU?!
I understand that healthy food, exercising, sleep, self care, and family time are ALL important (and I try my best to squeeze them all in), but not everything can be prioritized every single day. Sometimes I go to (gasp!) Taco Bell for dinner, sometimes I have to choose between exercising and getting 8 hours of sleep, and sometimes my boyfriend doesn’t get laid for 3 days straight because, yes, I’m too tired. Being told that it’s “not okay” by a woman who stays at home and blogs all day is just funny to me.
Hey Marlo – thanks for writing in. I think you’ve addressed something that seems to be at the heart of a lot of women’s lives – and that is that they don’t have time to do everything on their plate. And they (we) are running ourselves ragged trying to do too much. Speaking from my experiences as someone who used to try to do it all and actually didn’t get home from work quite regularly until 9, 10 or 11 pm, I started to learn how self-inflicted my own stress was. That lifestyle was ridiculous. And I finally had to force myself to slow down, make more time for myself, take care of myself, etc. If that meant having less money, getting a new job, moving to a different city, reducing my own expenses, etc., it was worth it to me. I guess each of us just has to decide what kind of lifestyle we want, and then feel accountable for the consequences…and also make peace with the things we can’t control so that the uncontrollable things don’t run us ragged, too. It’s a difficult thing to do, but totally possible!
I really appreciate this message… this is helpful to me and I’ve been a fan of your blog for a while now and LOVE that you’re sharing the message of LOVE! Everything your write/blog resonates with me because it’s all truth. Thanks!
Marlo, I totally agree!! I’m a smart women, as most are, so it’s not that i don’t know WHAT I need to do to improve my sex life and increase my sex drive, I don’t know HOW to do those things!! Help me figure out how to stop focusing on the things I don’t like about my body so I can have a better self image. How do I stop looking at the beer belly my husband has grown as apposed to the pro-boxer physique he had when we got married. How, after a day at 4:30am that starts with an hour long step aerobics class, only to go to an 8 hour day at work, then pick up my 3 kids from day care, then make dinner, then clean up, give the kids a bath and put them to bed…after all that how am I supposed to not feel tired? how do I not feel too tired to put forth the effort it takes to have an orgasm as opposed to just having sex. Don’t give me cutesy little antics that are supposed to be inspiring, give me real world solutions. Give me some real, actual help. Women everywhere suffer from this dilemma, don’t patronize us, tell us how to be super women.
Excellent comment, Marlo! Excellent!
I discovered the things you posted here awhile ago and my (sex) life is awesome because of it. Which means my marriage is that much better. I know exactly how Marlo and some others who commented here feel. There really are so many things we are “supposed” to do, and to do it all is impossible. I found myself struggling to raise my kids right, keep a clean house, stay healthy, sometimes working too and at the end of the day I was done and too tired. And if I am honest with myself sometimes I think I said “I am too tired” to prove the point to my husband that I had been working really hard all day. All of a sudden I realized (and I wish I could remember what lead to the realization, but I don’t) was that I feel better when I have sex! I like to have sex! I was denying myself something I really like because I was too tired or stressed. I don’t know why I was doing that to myself, but I am glad I stopped. I find that it helps relieve stress and unwind (way better than watching an show on tv does).
I’m more than happy to do it where ever and whenever with hubby, we have been together almost 14yrs now and still have sex about every other day =D I get a little bitchy if I go 3days without it he thinks its adorable lmao Sex is fun and healthy and we have 3 kids going on 4 so yes its possible to keep up a sex life even with children
I’m sorry, but what is with the whole stay at home moms can make it a habit to not shower? Not true and rude.
Valuable info. Lucky me I found your site unintentionally, and I am stunned why this coincidence did not happened earlier! I bookmarked it.
23 years 2 raised children and one little one and we still make time for each other. Lotzo Time
[...] 15 ways women are ruining their sex lives [...]
[...] 15 ways women are ruining their sex lives [...]
My wife has not slept in our bed in over 10 years, she sleeps with our 9yr old boy. I have tried alot of things over the years but she is always too tired or not in the mood. We have been married 18 yrs and my wife who works part time came home to tell me I should be excited for her, she is going to London, England. She works part time but needs to go to London for buisness?
I love my wife and would do anything for her but it is too obvious I can do nothing to make her have feelings for me. I feel like a piece of garbage constantly being denined sex and intimacy by her. Two times we have had sex this year.
I hope no man ever has to go through what I endure. I have come to the conclusion that she wants a divorce is she cannot stand me I do not want to make her anymore unhappy.
Please say a prayer for my children that they will not have to go through a loveless marriage
Wow. where were you 30 years ago/
My wife and I had sex once last year and we have yet to try this year. I think about it everyday and worry that someday someone will come along with a positive sexual attitude and I’ll jump at the chance to do it with anyone who is willing. I have tried to talk about sex and intimacy with my wife but she goes blank when I approach the subject. We have been married 22 years but have had sex only a dozen times since the last child was born. Each time she makes me feel like I have taken something from her by trying to be intimate. I came to the conclusion that I don’t have the right to make her feel like something is being taken from her by attempting to be loving and intimate. I am sorry for trying intimacy in the early part of our marriage and I wish I could shut off the sexual desires I have daily. I wish I could take a pill or find a doctor who could operate on me and take away the desire because there is no way to be satisfied and stay faithful to my wife.
Funny my husband and I just had this very conversation last night and these are all great tips, I have been sick for years and I am on a couple meds that cause me to be numb, Physically numb and so I don’t have alot of feeling or sensation anywhere but, I don’t feel my husband should pay the price of me being sick so I do have sex with him and sometimes I actually have enough feeling to enjoy it. He is a great lover and I would love to be able to have the sex life we had before.
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Am glad i stumbled on this site and issue in discourse because am deep in same issue with my wife of 12yrs.We were always having it often before we got married and even in our early yrs of marriage until after our three kids,our last child is 7yrs now.My wife has continued to refuse me sex whenever i wanted with excuses of tiredness and not being in the mood,this has made me to conclude on having sexual satisfaction outside my marriage since i cant get it from my wife although painful as it is to cheat on her,she has refused to change despite my discussing the dissatisfaction i get with our now cold relationship,i think it is a very serious issue to be discussed and resolved in marriage because i dont think it is a good thing to refuse one’s husband sex because it has diverse adverse negative and marriage breaking consequences.
Dear girlfriends,
Yes, life requires a lot from us, we work, we want to advance in our careers, we raise kids, we take on lots of work at home. We do it because we have to or because it there is no other choice or it seems like it. But please consider that your attitude towards sex matters no matter what you do or how tired you are. I know women that are stay at home moms or married with no children, they do have some extra time on their hands, but they would still say they get tired by the end of the day to have sex with their husbands, or they just don’t want to for one reason or another… The truth is that mens desire for more sex is biological. But I don’t believe men need us to “perform” every night for them. What if you just allowed your husband to do what he needs just by being there for him and just being warm without any need to “perform”. This happens to me a lot and most of the time I actually enjoy it. I tell my husband that I don’t even mind it when I am asleep… I feel that it’s just a very small favor I can give to my husband and that it’s not a big deal in comparison with all the hard and stressful work he does for me and our kids. And I can see how it keeps him healthy, happy and confident. What if this simple “trick” brought back your husband the way you fell in love with him years ago, and even better, stronger, more mature, more loving? He would stop counting how many times he had sex last year. He will stop feeling like a lousy male in your life. He may even become more successful in his career… I find myself a lot listening to my girlfriends about their marriages falling apart and sex life attitude seems to be a major issue there, but they don’t want to hear it. May be it’s just too painful to admit not just a single mistake, but a life-time attitude? Consider all the literature you’ve read growing up about women’s liberation. What if we implemented some of that agenda out of context and without balance? What if you are just unconsciously treating your husband the way your mother treated your dad? What if men just speak the language we don’t understand;)? I hope this article and an attempt for compassion and understanding towards partner’s needs can save someone’s love life and marriage. And check out this little book http://www.amazon.com/For-Women-Only-about-Inner/dp/1590523172. I don’t agree with everything in it, but I once found it very helpful it interpreting the signs showing that my husband actually really loves me.
thanks laila, your comments are enlightening. men’s desire for sex are really biological and women must learn to find the trick how to satisfy it in whatever way possible to keep him healthy,happy and confident…satisfying men’s desire doesn’t mean you have to perform or you have to be satisfied as well(but never fake it). women should be creative and more generous and understanding to their men in achieving the goal of satisfying their partners sexual desire….i believe a sexually satisfied men can do and will do its best in all aspects(work,relationships,parenting,etc) for his partner sake….i am married for 6 years and our intimacy really grew a lot when my wife learned to satisfy my biological sexual needs.in return, i give the best of me for her and our family……
My “husband” treats me more like a roommate than a wife. My financial obligations to him, and to my children, are clear, but now it seems that even more is expected. He has not spontaneously bought me a gift in over 4 years. I do not get birthday birthday gifts, let alone Christmas or anniversary tokens. I have always bought him Birthday, Chanukah, Christmas, and Anniversary gifts, as well as gifts for his kids, mother, brothers, nieces and nephews. Now I am expected to pay for half of the dinner bill when we go out once a week, as well as paying all health associated bills and any/all food in the house . Might I add that his income is 4X mine.
I live in fear of the next criticism and rebuke. There are never words of appreciation, kindness, congratulations. My achievements go unnoticed, no matter how much I point them out. We are both health care professionals on equal standing, but he always treats me like a subordinate. He choses to be absent 3 out of 4 weekends a month to work in other areas. For him , these are rest periods. THere are days in between where he has totally free vacation days to do as he pleases. I am at home, going to work, and looking after 2 kids, and keeping up with household chores and maintenance. The abundant extra money is NOT shared.
Without consulting me, he booked a trip to Japan, for the ultimate goal of meeting his daughter who is on a work term in Thailand. His daughter does not speak to me, and not-so-covertly ridicules everything I do. So the “reconciliation trip” is more about his daughter than about me. Out of a 10 day trip, I will have 2.5 days with him alone. I would rather stay home
I am not sure if this relationship can ever be saved, but it will take the expertise of professionals, and not the damaging conversations that happen now.
I feel absolutely sexless. He never notices what I wear or how I look, The men at the bar certainly notice, so I know I am not totally abhorrent. There is never a word or praise or appreciation. His eyes do not look at the picture of me and appreciate. He simply does not notice, But sure gets mad if another man points it out. I am not ugly! Approrpriate weight, great skin, fashionable clothes. This man refuses to recognize me. I got a lovely bouquet from my team on “bosses” day – he has ignored everything, I lost 50lbs and have gained back 20. He noticed neither .
Unless I am at work making money, I am not worth consideration. A fine roommate, who earns her keep, ( and also cleans, shops and cooks) but not much more,
I WANT MORE.
I am passionate, romantic beautiful and loyal. Just not the things he wants.
Right now, I am so depressed and uncaring about everything, I have a pending biopsy for endometrial cancer and I hope it’s positive and i can refuse treatment. I suffer from chronic and debilitating bursitis which he does not acknowledge – except when he does not want me to go places with him.
My ex-husband has successfully sued me for gross amounts of money, and I am fighting back with a court case at the end of October, In the meantime my money is tighter than reasonable and my 2 minor children live on Mac&Cheese and Ramen noodles because I have no more money and the stepfather refused to buy them food if their father will not. What great morale values displayed by both men. As usual, it is the mother who struggles with 2 or 3 jobs to make sure that the children are fed, have school supplies and social outings with their friends.
I am so tired. If I had enough drugs I would just go to sleep and not wake up. There is nothing positive to wake up to.
@Christina
I hope you find the inner courage to pick yourself up and not allow your husband’s ways to defeat you and spoil the happiness you deserve to have. You sound like an incredible woman with an even bigger heart and it’s very obvious you have a lot of love to give ( to the right person). I know sometimes we (women) say things out of anger or pain but I truly hope you will not result to taking your life because even if things do not workout in the end for your marriage you still have children to account for not to mention yourself. Don’t throw away your life because someone else refuses to acknowledge your wonderful heart. I was fortunate to grow up with both my parents under one roof but seeing how my father treated my mother as a child and thinking back on it now that I am 24, I sympathize with my mom because she stuck through her marriage for my bothers and I even when my dad would not show her any love or affection. Their marriage was very similar to what you have described minus the finance aspect but if I had known then what I know now I would have encouraged her and stood behind her had she decided to end things with him. I consider myself a Christian woman and I’d like to extend my thoughts and prayers to you. I hope you overcome this sadness and that the right man comes along and shows you the love and affection you have missed out on. No woman deserves to go through what you have described. I pray you find your light and please don’t give up! =)
Wow, Stop…Christina?? not sure how this part gets a reply to you..I hav to tell you,, you have every rite, even from the scriptures to leave.. I hope this is a fake writing some one posted…I’ve seen & lived some of this.. I know now.. You have got to get a hold of your self.. For your kids sake too.. praying for U !