Adorable Happens FAST When Photographing Kids


When you’ve got kids, they’re always doing the most outrageously funny and cute things. Humans seem to have some kind of picture-taking gene that rears its obnoxious genetic head when we spawn a little human and become parents.

I’m not basing this on a shred of scientific data or study, but if you’ve got any doubts, just fire up Facebook or Instagram and then come back here and congratulate me on my statement’s total correctness.

There is a problem, though.

Kids are like a small version of adult stuck on fast-forward. The moments happen so fast! The facial expressions, the interpretive dance with a couple of spatulas, the castle of soap suds they built on their head. Gone before you can blink. Unless you’re really fast, you get pictures of a flat stare, a set of discarded kitchen implements on the floor, or foamy deflated ruins on their wet hair.

It’s over before it seemed like it ever even began. Adorableness happens so fast. It’s hard to get the damned smartphone out, unlocked and centered steadily enough on your subject to capture the gold. Like me, you can get to thinking if you’re ever get to get the really good stuff, you have to have a camera mounted at the ready on your forehead 24/7.

Sitting down at my computer and reviewing my photo collection, I see that, since I had kids, I’ve been steadily cataloging the moments just after amazing things have happened. I’ve gotten some great shots, sure; through the shear application of the Law of Averages. I figure at least ONE of the truckload of pics might turn out well.

  • Is He Still Doing It? 1 of 16
    Is He Still Doing It?
    No. But it doesn't matter if he is or isn't, you doofus.
  • We Are Not Amused 2 of 16
    We Are Not Amused
    A second ago you were Gummy McSmiley, now you're Lord of the Manor.
  • image-4 3 of 16
    In photography, there's a thing called "soft focus." This is not it.
  • Nice Try 4 of 16
    Nice Try
    Good effort, Dad. Not fast enough, though. Better luck next time!
  • Juuuuust Missed It 5 of 16
    Juuuuust Missed It
    This is the empty part of the ice skating rink that fills the space that was once occupied by my son doing a daring trick.
  • Pillow Fort Ruins 6 of 16
    Pillow Fort Ruins
    Wow... What a cool pillow fort that no longer exists as of 2 seconds before I took this picture.
  • Blocked! 7 of 16
    This photo of my son with food all over his cute face needed only one thing! An arm blocking it entirely. Nailed it.
  • Wait Wait Wait! 8 of 16
    Wait Wait Wait!
    Can everyone and everything, everywhere, just hold still for just one second!?! No.
  • Flying Wizards Are Fast 9 of 16
    Flying Wizards Are Fast
    When Harry Potter rides a mechanical claw toy instead of a broomstick, you need ninja reflexes and a high-speed camera to catch the action.
  • Do Over 10 of 16
    Do Over
    No no. Don't pay attention to the camera, just do what you were doing a moment ago. Please. Pretty please!
  • Cute Hat? 11 of 16
    Cute Hat?
    I can't tell if it was a cute hat or a handbag on his head. (Sigh)
  • SQUIRREL! 12 of 16
    Random noises and bright shiny objects have been the enemy of baby picture takers since cameras were invented.
  • Show’s Over 13 of 16
    Show's Over
    I'm no longer doing something funny or cute. Nothing to see here. Move along.
  • That Moment When 14 of 16
    That Moment When
    ... he's flying through the air away from the whirly spiny thing at the park. Yeah, this isn't that moment when.
  • Abstract Art 15 of 16
    Abstract Art
    A kid pic so bad it's art. Bad art.
  • Don’t Stop! 16 of 16
    Don't Stop!
    Oh god please put them back on! I wasn't ready! AAAARGGG!

This picture-panic is a degenerative cycle. The more adorableness and hilarity I miss and the more I accumulate these terrible shots, the more neurotic I get about capturing at least one good shot by taking a series of a hundred. I’ll crazily fire off my camera like a wildly sprayed machine gun.

Then, having amassed a landfill worth or terrible pictures, I get too lazy to sit down and clean out the 99% of bad shots. So, now it’s nealy impossible to find the ones that belong on the fireplace mantle.

It’s getting really bad. I may or may not have motion sensors mounted in all the rooms of my house now. These sensors may or may not trigger HD video cameras to start recording when one of my kids enters the room…

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Article Posted 3 years Ago
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