Allana Harkin, Disney PrincessSAMANTHA BEE AND ALLANA HARKIN
I’m not a fan of regrets. Which is why when I exited through Sleeping Beauty’s castle at Disneyland and a single tear rolled down my face, no one was more alarmed than me. Actually that’s not entirely true, my husband was immediately shocked and said “Hold on, are you… crying?!” I had no choice but to admit… yes. Allana Harkin, fairly optimistic person who often likes to get cynical for the sake of comedy and considers herself a staunch feminist, is weeping after viewing all the images from her youth displayed out in the most profound way possible in a smallish fake castle made by construction workers. YES, FINE. OKAY! Yes, it was me who rushed Cinderella at The Royal Court and asked for a picture, not with my children but by myself. And yes, it was me again who did something quite similar with Tinkerbell and then yelled back, “I LOVE YOU, Tinkerbell!” (she’s not really a Princess but she’s a pretty hardcore fairy), and again ME who held back tears when Snow White approached our table at Ariel’s Grotto and I said, “I like you even more than my children.”
And that’s when it happened… as I later looked for garbage to kick (no seriously, there is NO garbage at Disneyland, it’s not only the happiest place on earth but also the cleanest) and dragged my heels to mope through Ariel’s undersea adventure. I turned to my husband and whispered, “I would’ve been a great Disney Princess.” And you know what he said? “Yeah, you would have.” Is that a regret?
And that’s when I got to thinking a few things:
a) I’m insane.
b) I need to spend more time on anti-aging products (this will never happen).
c) What Disney movie has an old-ish Princess?
Stop it Allana! You’re a grown woman with two children and mortgage in CANADA! Get over yourself! It’s too late! You’ll never ever, ever, be a Disney Princess. But just on the way off chance that “Disney” is reading this (which they are because they own Babble… I’m no fool…), here are a few reasons why I could crush this Princess thing (okay, so I think I’ve already lost the job for using the term “crush”):
* I’m a professional actor. I even have an MFA, so I’m a master at pretending I fell off an acupuncture table and died. This is a true story (I did this) and also proves the point that I can fake a death scene almost as good as Snow White. It’s also proof that theatre school can be dodgy.
* I look great in an up-do. It’s true. I know we’ll go for a wig but my hair has been colored for so many years I barely need bobby pins.That’s not going to get me the job either right?
* I love asking children questions. I really do. If there was a job where I only had to ask children questions all day to find funny answers… Sign. Me. Up.
* I love hugging. I don’t care if we know each other, we’re hugging. I’m actually uncomfortable not hugging. I once sold books door to door (I believe the internet even existed) and learned how to give a really good handshake but even then I would’ve preferred if we hugged it out. I made $18,000 that summer for school if anyone wants to make fun of me for knocking on doors (no shame,remember?).
* I have secret passion for fake eyelashes. I wouldn’t use this as a selling point in a real Disney casting session but I’m almost certain they’ve heard it before. I also know how to not attach them to my forehead.
* I feel surprisingly comfortable in a corset. There’s something about not being able to fully breathe that helps me to get seriously focused. I should really start writing in a corset.
*And lastly, I have no shame. And I mean that in the best way. I not only play “Mom” on a TV show called “Dino Dan,” but I often play her in the park on a Saturday morning when I’m approached by a four year old who asks, “WHERE’S DAN?” I once told a kid I was an actor and I never want to see that look of sincere disappointment ever again in my life. So, Disneyland – 12 hours of straight “I’m a Princess!” – no problem. If I say “Bring it,” I’m almost certain not to get the job right?
I do have one giant fall back, something that no Princess can possibly possess. Let’s call it a curse. You know on soap operas when tears gently fall from a flawless complexion? That’s not me. I’m not a face contortionist or anything, but it’s safe to say I’m a tad bit of an ugly crier. It’s a general puffiness combined with a skin reddening that looks like I’ve been whipped with dental floss. Of course being an actor I’m in control of my emotions. I have my MFA! But, for the purpose of full disclosure, there was no course on how to control your emotions around children who fully believe with all their hearts that you are in fact a real honest to goodness Princess. But as I said, I’m not one for regrets. So I’m game if you are.
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